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Donald Trump Nicknames

This page contains the best Donald Trump nicknames that I have been able to find, and a few that I came up with myself. Trump nicknames range from A to Z, from Agent Orange to the Zen Master of Hate. My personal favorite comes from the Bible, the ominous TRUMP OF DOOM. When God and the Hebrew prophets spoke of the "Trump of Doom" and a "little horn" were they speaking literally? (For a YUGE slew of 666 connections, see Is Donald Trump the Antichrist?). Other personal favorites include Putin's Puppet, Comrade Trumputin, Hair Hitler, Gingervitis, The Great Whore of Babble-On and Quasi-Dodo the Hunchback of Notre Shame. But perhaps no nickname captures the "real Donald Trump" better than his real name, Donald Drumpf.

Nicknames for Trump and his minions have been coined by Alec Baldwin, Glenn Beck, Samantha Bee, Joe Biden, Lewis Black, Charles M. Blow, Elayne Boosler, Dana Carvey, Graydon Carter, Hillary Clinton, Stephen Colbert, David Horsey, Garrison Keillor, Jimmy Kimmel, Bill Kristol, Bill Maher, Michael Moore, Seth Myers, NBC, Trevor Noah, Keith Olbermann, John Oliver, Rosie O'Donnell, Martin O'Malley, Sarah Palin, Dan Rather, Marco Rubio, Nate Silver, Tom Scharpling, Jon Stewart, George Takei, USA Today, Fareed Zakaria, and even The Donald Himself and his first wife, the former Ivana Trump!

Cannonball! Donald "Trump of Doom" enters the American political waters ... but can he really walk on water or will he belly-flop the world into Armageddon?

Related pages: Donald Trump Curtsy or Bow?, Donald Trump Puns, Donald Trump Insults, Donald Trump Limericks, The Donald Trump Bible, Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast, Is Donald Trump the Antichrist?, Trump Trivia, Donald Trump Nicknames for his Cabinet, Family, Friends, Associates and Supporters

Top Ten Donald Trump Nicknames

(10) Putin's Puppet, Putin's Bitch, Putin's Lapdog, Putin's C*ck-Holster (Stephen Colbert), Putin's Useful Idiot, Comrade Trumputin, The Brooklyn Bolshevik, The Russian Mole
(9) Cheeto-Dusted Bloviator, Screaming Cheeto, Cheeto Benito, Cheez Whiz, Mango Mussolini, Cinnamon Hitler, Candied Yam, Angry Creamsicle, Fanta Ranter, Trumpster Fire, Orange Julius, Orange Foolius 
(8) Lord Voldemort, Orange Anus and Snake Oil Salesman — Rosie O'Donnell
(7) Golden Wrecking Ball — Sarah Palin (who was NOT trying to be funny)
(6) Fuckface von Clownstick, Man-Baby, Comedy Entrapment and Unrepentant Narcissistic Asshole — Jon Stewart
(5) The White Kanye ― Bill Maher (or perhaps the Yellow-ish-Orange Kanye?)
(4) Short-Fingered Vulgarian — Graydon Carter (a nickname Trump hates because he seems to think it implies that he is under-endowed "down there")
     Tiny Hands Trump, Babyfingers Trump, Pixie Fingers Trump, The Tiny-Handed Tyrant, Stumpy, Chubby Nubby, Short-Fingered Totalitarian — nicknames inspired by Graydon Carter's nickname above
(3) Agent Orange — Anonymous
(2) The Trump of Doom — Michael R. Burch (first used in a possibly prophetic Facebook post on September 11, 2015)
(1) Number one, with a bullet: THE ANTICHRIST — by God and the Hebrew prophets — when they spoke of "the Trump of Doom" and a "little horn" were they speaking literally? (For a YUGE slew of 666 connections, see Is Donald Trump the Antichrist?)

Currently Rising: Prima Donald, Sparkly Princess Trumpelina, Dainty Donald, The Ginger Genuflector, Orange O'Hara, Little Miss Teapot, Quasi-Dodo and The Hunchback of Notre Shame, after Trump curtsied submissively before the Saudi king in his first official act as an American president abroad. The Big Dipper dropped a pretty little curtsey (at least for a Shambling Sasquatch) while receiving the Gilded Collar of King Salman Abdulaziz al-Saud. This, after Two-Faced Trump had blasted President Obama for a much more reserved half-bow several years before, tweeting at the time: "Do we want a President who bows to the Saudis?" But a meek little curtsey, however prettily delivered, is far less presidential than a half-bow. So let's add Hippo-CRAZY, The Hissy-Fit Hypocrite and the Hypocritic Oaf to our ever-expanding list of Trump nicknames.

Trump loyalist and campaign adviser Roger Stone was livid about the curtsey, tweeting: "Candidly, it makes me want to puke #JaredsIdea." But was it a submissive bow, an obsequious curtsey, or both? One Tweeter was happy to explain: "To be fair, first Trump bowed, then he curtsied like a sparkly princess!" Another Twitter user noted: "Unlike Obama, Trump refuses to debase himself by bowing before a king. Diplomat that he is, Trump deftly opts instead for a half-curtsy!" Another Tweeter adopted Trump-Speak: "Trump has all the best curtsies, nobody curtsies like Trump, everybody says so!" In a similar vein, Trump's submissive gesture was described as "one of the best and bigliest curtsies." Another tweet: "For all those that were apoplectic over Obama's bow, I present the Trump curtsy." Someone opined that Trump must have watched reruns of Shirley Temple while practicing his curtsies. Someone else insisted that Melania had taught her husband his "little teapot" moves! But what was it, really? During the debate, Michael Moore tweeted: "It still looks like a curtsy to me." John Aravosis tweeted that Trump will "make America curtsy again." However, there was considerable confusion: was the correct hashtag #TrumpCurtsy or #TrumpCurtsey with an "e"? Well, the "e" seems a bit more feminine to us, so we are voting for "curtsey" as befitting Her Royal Highness Princess Prima Donna.

Melania has repeatedly swatted away the Serial Groper's tentacles in public. There is rumor that after the divorce Trump will issue an executive order allowing him to marry Ivanka, the Norwegian Wood Inducer. But what will Ivanka's title be? Will she be the First Lady, the First Daughter, or the first First-Lady-Daughter?

Also rising, Ole King Coal, after Trump threatened to pull the U.S. out of the Paris Accord on Climate Change. Towering Inferno Trump's motto is "Burn, baby, burn!" He will burn more and more coal until the earth is too hot for humans to live above ground. Then Trump supporters can explain to their Albino Mole Children why they voted for the King of Denial.

Q: What do you call it when a Man-Baby takes over the American government? A: Coup d'Tot. — Michael R. Burch

President Donald Trump signed bills in the  Roosevelt Room of the White House on Monday.

Tiny Hands Trump uses the world's smallest pen and desk to sign his latest dictatorial proclamations. The women pictured are trying to persuade the Boy Blunder to take a nap and stop bullying the world, but Man-Baby Trump will have none of that! Bratman believes in ACTION, but he is no superhero. Fortunately his fingers are too tiny, weak and delicate to key in the nuclear codes ...

President Donald Trump holds up his pen after signing the Historically Black Colleges and Universities HBCU Executive Order, Tuesday, Feb. 28, 2017, in the Oval Office in the White House in Washington.

Trump's nannies applaud as the Terrible Tyke learns to operate a pen with his teeny-tiny fingers. The Brooklyn Brat is certainly proud of his "big boy" accomplishment. But so far no one has been able to potty-train his mouth!

There's a new reality show about the Trump presidency: The Boss Baby. Now showing at a theater near you!
Trump tweeted that Obama put a "tapp" on his phones. I think the Testy Toddler needs a ppat on the back and a good burpp, then a nice long napp.―Michael R. Burch
The Constitution does not allow 13-year-olds to become president and now we can see why. — Garrison Keillor, who calls Trump the "boy president"
Trump supporters voted for change, and boy, are they going to get it! — Garrison Keillor
When Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper was asked about the firing of James Comey, he sucked his pacifier, adjusted his nappy, then burbled, "Easy comey, easy goey!"―Michael R. Burch
Yes, there is a YUGE problem with White House leaks ... because Toddler Trump hasn't been potty trained and he keeps pissing on everything in sight!
Trump bemoans "deeply troubling" leaks, but the Big Leaker has loose lips that could literally sink ships as he divulges the highly classified location of nuclear subs to our enemies.
Prima Donald took "America first" to a new low when he shoved aside Montenegro prime minister Dusko Markovic to take center stage for a photo-op.
Truant Trump then had a temper tantrum, calling Germany "bad, very bad!" for selling too many cars, which had purchased at exorbitant prices.
Germans are now calling Trump the Brat-Worst — Michael R. Burch
Trump owns two Mercedes and two Rolls-Royces (which are now produced by BMW). Does Trump intend to "make America great again" by buying super-expensive German cars?
Q: What's the difference between Trump's ultra-luxorious Mercedes S600 and a porcupine? A: The porcupine only has pricks on the outside.

Yay for us! We just robbed 23 million Americans of their healthcare and 53 million of protection from preexisting conditions! We are the Winners, and who the hell cares about the losers?

WASHINGTON, DC - MAY 04:  (L-R) U.S. President Donald Trump, Speaker of the House Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), House Majority Whip Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA) and House Majority Leader Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) participate in a Rose Garden event May 4, 2017 at the White House in Washington, DC. The House has passed the American Health Care Act that will replace the Obama eraÕs Affordable Healthcare Act with a vote of 217-213.  (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)

Now, most children, even the most spoiled of children, love their grannies. But not Donald "Grannykiller" Trump, whose #TrumpCare according to the CBO would rob 23 million Americans of their health insurance and over 53 million of their protections for preexisting conditions. Why? To pay for hundreds of billions in tax cuts for the super-wealthy and profitable corporations. It has been estimated that Trump's "big, beautiful improvement" on Obamacare would devastatingly cut Medicaid assistance in half. That, of course, means lots of suffering and dying grannies, including ones we know and love. Lots of babies too, so call him Babykiller Trump. It turns out that those tiny grasping baby fingers can do a lot of damage, after all. Trump also used those wretched little crooked claws to launch cruise missiles at Syria, after years of blasting Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton for the "stupidity" and "short-sightedness" of their "interventionism" (when in reality it was a Republican president who started both wars). Trump must not read or pay any attention to his own tweets: "President Obama, do not attack Syria. There is no upside and tremendous downside!"

But have no fear, Acting President Jared Kushner is here! Cushy Kushner makes all the major decisions while Truant Trump tweets, poses for photo-ops, gropes women's genitals, sentences babies and grannies to death, cheats at golf, then brags about his "accomplishments" and campaigns for reelection. 

We can all breathe a sigh of relief because Jared "Jarhead" Kushner is at the ISIS front, using his real-estate negotiation skills to counsel our enemies and console our soldiers! There will soon be a remake of Full Metal Jacket starring Jarring Kushner in Full Dinner Jacket (and Tie). Little Lord Fauntleroy will also star in Ralph Lauren of Arabia, The Shilling Fields, PeeWee's Big Adventure and Guess Who's Coming to Dinner then Whines about the K-Rations.

Jared Kushner nicknames: Vanilla ISIS, Ralph Lauren of Arabia (@ChannelTrump), Cushy Kushner, Little Cushball (Alec Baldwin on SNL), Putin's Cush-Toy, Putin's Puppet, Putin's Poppet, Putin's Putty, Putin's Proxy, Putin's Protégé, Comrade Kushner, Poor Little Rich Bitch, Little Jared (Ana Navarro), Baby Boy (Ana Navarro), Nerd Boy, Jarhead, Jughead, Jared "the Red" Kushner, Jarring Kushner, The Boy Blunder, The Shadow, Little Lord Fauntleroy (Duratti on Daily Kos), The Preppie Neo-Con, Nimrod (Nimrod, the son of Kush, was the founder of Babylon), Son of Babylon (the name Jared means "descent" so he is a son of Kush, the patriarch of Babylon), Lucifer Incarnate, Channel 666 (Jared Kushner and his wife, Ivanka Trump, own the most expensive single building in the U.S. at 666 Fifth Avenue, purchased for $1.8 billion or 6+6+6 billion), Trump's Lawless Son-in-Law, Cuckoo Channel, Channel Kushner, Back Door, The Neophyte

Trump is right about one thing: "#FakeNews is the enemy!" But then Trump is Public Enemy #1, because he is certainly the King of Fake News.

Nicknames for the Trump administration: Trolls Galore (Hillary Clinton), Amoral Flying Monkeys (Keith Olbermann), Rank Amateurs, Amateur Hour at the White House, Alternate Reality TV, Celebrity Presidential Apprentice, KKK: Kooks, Klowns and Kommissars, Den of the Re-Flub-Lycans (Michael R. Burch), Hell on Earth, The Ninth Circle of Hell, The Fourth Reich, Hair Force One, Combover to the Dark Side, Hair Hitler and the Whigs (Michael R. Burch), Trump-Pence None the Retcher (Michael R. Burch), Regressive Reds, The White Supremacist House (Michael R. Burch), The West Wing Sexual Assault Emporium (Michael R. Burch), The Oval Ovary Assault Office (Michael R. Burch), The Ovary Inspection Office (Michael R. Burch), Crack Team of Crackpots (Michael R. Burch), AmeriKlan Idols, Kakistocracy (Ryan Lizza) ...

The Greeks have a word for the emerging Trump Administration: kakistocracy. The American Heritage Dictionary defines it as a “government by the least qualified or most unprincipled citizens.” Webster’s is simpler: “government by the worst people.”—Ryan Lizza in a New Yorker article

Damien Trump
and his Stepford Wives meet Pope Francis, who is obviously uncomfortable in the presence of such Darkness and angles his cross slightly to keep them at bay!

Trump family nicknames: The Stepfordians, The KKKardashians, The Brooklyn Hillbullies (Michael R. Burch), Donald Duck Dynasty, Four Norsemen of the Trumpocalypse (Michael R. Burch), The Cold Ones, Children of the Corn, Poor Little Bitch Kids, The Bitches of Eastwick

Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross may look like Yoda, but he isn't nearly as wise and obviously belongs to the Dark Side of the Force. "Heavens to Betsy" Ross called the cruise missile attack on Syria "after-dinner entertainment" for the Mar-a-Lago crowd. The "best part," he added, was that it "didn't cost the president anything to have that entertainment." Shades of Nero feeding Christians to the lions in order to "entertain" a crowd of bored spectators. Wilbur Wrong Force was full of praise for the way Saudi royals control their crowds. Riyadh Ross found it "fascinating" that "there was not a single hint of a protester anywhere there during the whole time we were there!" Yes, you Evil Smurf, that's because the Saudis torture and murder protesters! Ross Rothschildhe worked for N. M. Rothschild & Sons, where he was known as The Bankruptcy King―should stick to what he knows best (legal robbery) and leave global politics to someone with knowledge of the world outside his ivory tower.

Trump may be able to plead ignorance of the law, but
Attorney General Jeff "Kangaroo Court" Sessions obviously cannot. Why did Hessian Sessions fail to disclose his meetings with the Russians; is he a hired gun willing to do anything for money, like Hessian mercenaries who fought to suppress the American revolution despite having no skin in the game? Will Secessionist Sessions sell Americans down the river? Will Rushin' Sessions rush us into the arms of his Russian controllers? Will Stressin' Sessions stress American democracy to its limits? Does Jefferson "No Regard" Sessions have no regard for his countrymen or the laws he swore to uphold?

What the Heck: Make It the Top Twenty-Five Donald Trump Nicknames, by Category

Mr. Wiggy Piggy and Wiggly Piggly
Orange-Vanilla ISIS, Duke Nuke 'Em, Dr. Strangelove, The Fourth Dorkman of the Apocalypse (after George W. Bush, Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann)
King of the Whoppers, Liar-in-Chief, The Lyin' King (pun on "Lion King"), Conman-in-Chief, Don the Con
Birther Boy, Man-Baby, Man-Toddler, Bratman, Boss Baby, the Terrible Tyke, the Combover Kid
Thurston Shitbag the Third (Bill Maher), Porky Pig and New York Pork Dork (because Trump and his companies have taken so much "pork" from federal, state and local governments)
A$$aulter-in-Chief, Hair Groepenfuehrer, Donald DeGonad, Jack the Gripper and Serial Feeler — see Donald Trump's War on Women
Dire Abby (because Trump gives relationship advice like Dear Abby, but his message is invariably dire)
Hair Hitler and Hair Furor (puns on Herr Hitler and Herr Fuhrer)
The New Furor, Trumpen Furor, Mein Furor, Mein Trumpf, Mein Hair, Shitler, Twittler, Adolph Twitler, Drumpfkoff, Cinnamon Hitler, Ginger Hitler, Gingervitis (Michael R. Burch), Der Pumpkinfurher, The Apprentice Führer (Ben Judah), Mango Mussolini, Casino Mussolini (Samantha Bee), Mussolini's Taint, Hairman Mao, Tsar Trumpov, Dear Leader, Genghis Can't (Michael R. Burch), The Orange Oligarch
Prima Donald, Prima Donna, Sparkly Princess Trumpelina (Michael R. Burch)
The Big Dipper, The Little Dipper, The Ginger Genuflector (Michael R. Burch), Little Miss Teapot
Hippo-CRAZY, The Hypocritic Oaf (Michael R. Burch), Quasi-Dodo (Michael R. Burch), The Hunchback of Notre Shame (Michael R. Burch)
Darth Hater, Forrest Trump, Painman, Donnie Darko, Donnie Dorko and Damien Trump (after the Antichrist figure in the Omen movies)
The Beast, Little Horn, and The Great Whore of Babble-On — God and the Hebrew prophets (see Is Donald Trump the Antichrist?)

Honorable Mention: The Swamp Stocker, Whiny Little Bitch (Bill Maher), The Fomentor (Trevor Noah), Tangerine Tornado, Donny (SNL's Church Lady played by Dana Carvey) Humpty Trumpty, The White Pride Piper, Big Donald (coined by Marco Rubio), Pig Donald (a variation coined by feminists), The Presumptuous Nominee (Hillary Clinton), Job Security (Jimmy Kimmel), Tangerine Palpatine, Daddy Warbucks, Tweety, Twat Twit, Boss Tweet, Truthophobic Trump (Elizabeth Harris Burch), Trumpenstein, Stuporman, Dumb Corleone, Puffed Up Daddy, Commander-in-Grief, Gossamer-Skinned Bully (Graydon Carter), Orange-Tufted Taliban, Dead Wombat Toupée, The Loan Deranger, The Tie-Coon, The White Pride Piper, The Orange Mephistopheles, Commander-in-Tweet, Tweet-l-dumb, The Gold Man Sucks President, Putin's Poppet, Putin's Putty, Putin's Proxy, Putin's Pampered Poodle, Angry Cheeto, Cheeto Bandito, Cheeto Voldemort, Cheeto von Tweeto, Cheeto-Faced Shit-Gibbon, Cheeto Jesus, Cheez-It-in-Chief, Frito Lay, Talking Yam,  Angry Pumpkin, Orangutan, Chicken Donald (Martin O'Malley), Fascist Carnival Barker (Martin O'Malley), Fat Blabby (Lewis Black), Big Baby (Lewis Black)
A number of Trump nicknames are related to fascism, such as "Hair Hitler" (a pun on Herr Hitler) and The New Furor (a pun on Führer). Are such accusations warranted? Well, Hair Hitler talking about Muslims does sound a lot like Herr Hitler talking about Jews. Here's what one prominent American Jew said on the subject. Abe Foxman, former National Director of the Anti-Defamation League, says that Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump urged supporters at a Florida rally to raise their arms in a Nazi salute to him. "As a Jew who survived the Holocaust, to see an audience of thousands of people raising their hands in what looks like the ‘Heil Hitler’ salute is about as offensive, obnoxious and disgusting as anything I thought I would ever witness in the United States of America," Foxman told The Times of Israel. Will Donald Trump create an American Holocaust by deporting millions of people, including multitudes of completely innocent children and their mothers? Is Trump the second coming of Adolph Hitler? Yes, nicknames like Hair Hitler, Hair Furor, Hair Gropenfuhrer and Twittler are amusing, but are they also accurate, and perhaps prophetic?

Women who work with the West Wing-Nut should be entitled to hazardous booty pay!―Michael R. Burch

Currently rising: THE LOOSE-LIPPED SHIP SINKER after Trumputinski blabbed away top-secret information to his Russian controllers, threatening not only to sink the American ship of state, but also endangering our allies who will now be far less willing to share critical intelligence with us. And who can blame them? With the Orange-Tufted Russian Mole running the show, the acronym CIA now stands for Central Ignorance Agency. The Boston Globe announced that the ally betrayed was Israel. Perhaps the ancient prophets knew whereof they spoke, when they predicted that a "little horn" would pretend to bring peace, only to betray Israel in the end. A trump is a "little horn." Is the Trump of Doom summoning the Apocalypse? Have the very elect been deceived, since 80% of evangelical Christian voters supported Triple-Six Trump, according to exit polls? Israeli intelligence officials are said to be "boiling mad" and to consider this to be their "worst fears confirmed" about Comrade Trumputin. Trump is obsessed with leaks, but he is the Big Leak. So far his administration's only defense has been to claim that Tyrant Trump is too oblivious to be accused of obstructing justice! He simply doesn't know what justice is, or how government works! But he can still be trusted with the nuclear codes!

"We don't rely on American banks. We have all the funding we need out of Russia." — Eric "the Red" Trump, explaining a $100 million line of credit to golf writer James Dodson
The Kremlin's top-secret plan for Putin to control Trump is code-named Operation Taming of the Orange Shrew.
Emma Lazarus called Lady Liberty the "Mother of Exiles." Terminator Trump has turned her into the "Smotherer of Exiles." — Michael R. Burch
Why did Al Franken call Trump Comedy Gold? Because he knows a political joke when he hears one. — Michael R. Burch
How did a Candied Yam become president? Like Popeye, Trump says, "I yam what I yam!" But unlike Trump, Popeye didn't have a God complex.

"What is it about Mike Pence that no one ever tells him anything?" — David Axelrod

Is Mike Pence the Trump administration's "Out of the Loop Dupe" (as USA Today so succinctly put it)? Or is this a case of "hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil"? Is Dense Pence really that ignorant of the facts, or is Senseless Pence willfully deaf, blind and dumb? In either case, Tuppence None the Retcher has no business becoming president if Trump is impeached.

The Best Images/Descriptions of Donald Trump: Regurgitated Carrot Cake, Decomposing Pumpkin Pie, Maggoty Orange Offal, Festering Ass Effluence, Soylent Orange, Unrecycled Sewage, Orange Batshit, Human Tapeworm, Henna Hyena, Reanimated Roadkill, The Ugly AmeriKlan, Space KKKadet, "America’s wealthiest hemorrhoid." (John Oliver), "A brain-damaged baboon." (Samantha Bee), "A bewildered, golden-helmeted astronaut who's just landed on this planet from a distant galaxy." (Anna Merlan)

The Best Donald Trump Metaphors and Similes: The Trump administration "leaks like a rusty colander" (Ryan Cooper), Trump is like "an autoimmune disease" (Lucia Graves), "The press is Clarice, and he's Hannibal Lecter ... he's definitely gonna kill someone, but maybe not me" (Seth Myers), Trump is like "a random impulse generator" (Michael Chabon), Trump "sounds like a WWF wrestler plugging his next big match" (Ron Howard), "Like a brisk fall breeze through Amarillo's trees, President Donald Trump's first few weeks have brought forth all the country's loose and flaky elements" (a poetic letter in the Amarillo Gobe-News)

First Babe Melania Trump is not the Acting First Lady, because that is obviously the role of Ivanka, the Norwegian Wood Inducer. Melania's actual role is Trump's Man-Baby Sitter. She says that she wants to tackle cyber bullying, but she is married to the world's biggest, loudest and most obnoxious Serial Cyber Abuser. Will Melania take away her Clubby Hubby's iPhone and Twitter account? Will she spank and redden his Enormous Orange Ass? Will she stand up to the Hyper Cyber Bully, yugely and bigly? One can only hope!

Cowardly Lyin' Trump showed his true colors (piss yellow-orange) when he tweeted: "James Comey better hope that there are no 'tapes' of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!" Like an Enormous Orange Tape Worm, Trump squirms into unwary voters' hearts, then starts sucking the nation's life out. Deceitful Donald is only afraid of one thing: the TRUTH. And President Pants-on-Fire is obviously scared sh*tless that Comey will tell Americans the truth. Boss Hogg Trump thinks like a Mafia Don, and what he tweeted is clearly an act of witness intimidation and coercion.

Currently rising: PRESIDENT EVIL (a pun on Resident Evil), The Grin Reaper (because Trump grinned repeatedly while robbing millions of Americans of healthcare), A$$hole, AmeriKLAN Idol, The Abominable Showman, The Conswervative, The DREAM Crusher, President Pussy-Grabber (Keith Olbermann), Treasonous Trump, Trumpasaurus Rex, Tyrantosaurus Wrecks (Michael R. Burch), The Neo-Con Puppet (coined by the Alt-Right, after Trump rained cruise missiles on Syria despite having repeatedly blasted Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton for their "stupid" and "short-sighted" interventionism in the Middle East), The Neo-Con-Man, The Warmonger, The War Troll, Deep State Donald, The False Flag Flyer, Deep Hoax, The Boychurian Candidate (Michael R. Burch), Bubble Boy, The Boinkin' Boy-King, Donald Darko, The American Caligula, Trumpenstein, Trumpzilla, Carnage Incarnate, Dubious Caesar, President Snowflake (emphasis on "flake"), Darth Trump, Inglorious Leader, Der Leader (pun on "Dear Leader" with a Nazi twist), Il Doofus, Swampy, The Swamp Stocker, Creature from the Orange Lagoon, Tricky Don Trump (after Tricky Dick Nixon), Nixon's Redemption (because what Nixon did pales in comparison to Trump's acts of treason), The Orange Oligarch, Terminator Trump, The Cover-Up Artist, The Brazen Moron, Dinglebert Donald, the Con-Troll-er, Mr. Moneybags, the Rude Crude Orange-Hued Space Dude, Prince Uncharming, Prince Alarming, The Beast, The Orange Hobgoblin, The Oompa Loompa of Doom (Chris Riddell), The Class(less) Clown, Bizarro Bozo, Lusty Krusty, Marvell's Ultimate Villain, Creep Throat (Seth Myers), Unkempt Troll Doll (Anna Merlan), Arrogant Asshole (Cher), Two-Bit Used Hate Salesman (Samantha Bee), Walking Cliché (Ian Flitoff), Gasbag (Tom Hanks), Walking Birth Control Ad (SNL), The Human Lowlight Reel (apologies to Dominque Wilkins!), Orange Vogon, Othello the Less, tRUMP, The Infantalist (David Brooks), The Mardy Baby-Man

Raul "Lapdog" Labrador drew intense jeers at an Idaho town hall when he defended the GOP’s ObamaCare repeal plan by claiming that "Nobody dies because they don't have access to healthcare!" Trump's Retriever had previously opined that healthcare is not a basic human right. In other words, rich people are entitled to healthcare but the rest of us only have the "right" to suffer and die if we become terminally ill. It's hard to say whether Trump's Black Lab and his owner are evil or just plain stupid, but in either case the end result will be the same. If you ever had any doubts that the GOP wants to get rid of as many middle-class Americans as possible, along with other "undesirables" such as immigrants, gays and Muslims, the Labrador Guppy with his five-second memory has demonstrated how quickly Republican politicians can forget voters.

That's like saying nobody dies from falling out of a window, it's the pavement that gets you! — Seth Myers' response to Labrador's ludicrous assertion

Oh, the irony! Mike Cernovich warned his followers that Trump's military intervention in Syria was a "Deep State" operation in response to a hoax. One day prior, the ever-sage Donald Trump Jr. had tweeted about Cernovich: "In a time of unbiased journalism, he'd win the Pulitzer." Better pull that Pulitzer, Bozo-Boy!

Currently rising: The American Terrorist (George Takei), Putin's American Distributor (Keith Olbermann), The Feckless Denizen of the White House (Greg Dworkin), The Orange DREAM Sickle (Michael R. Burch), The Orange Ogre, The Orange-Tufted Swamp Ogre, Donald Dupe, The Super Duper, Donnybrook, Orange Sauron, The Orange Menace, The Great Orange Oaf, Orange Offal, Partially Sentient Spray Tan, Trumple-Doodle-Doo, The Orange-Crested Pooh Spewer, The Spin-Meister, Reverse Midas ...

Donald Trump is the Reverse Midas because everything he touches immediately turns to s**t ... Trump Casinos, Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka, Trump Mortgage, the Trump Shuttle, Trump the Game, affordable healthcare, women's rights, minority rights, our right to vote without interference from Russia, the environment, our children's educations, Syria, North Korea ...

Dr. Jane Goodall pointed out that Trump acts like a Chimp in Heat: "In many ways the performances of Donald Trump remind me of male chimpanzees and their dominance rituals. In order to impress rivals, males seeking to rise in the dominance hierarchy perform spectacular displays: stamping, slapping the ground, dragging branches, throwing rocks. The more vigorous and imaginative the display, the faster the individual is likely to rise in the hierarchy, and the longer he is likely to maintain that position."

Sean "Scary" Spicer is apparently either a Nazi sympathizer or a moron. Spicer claimed that Hitler "didn't even sink to using chemical weapons" and "was not using gas on his own people," although he sent Jews to "the Holocaust center." When given a chance to clarify his comments — uttered during Passover, the most celebrated Jewish holiday in the United States — Spicer insisted that Hitler "was not using the gas on his own people in the same way that Assad is doing." But of course Hitler did use chemical weapons (lethal gas) on millions of his own people — German Jews — who were not being held in "Holocaust centers," but in slave labor and death camps. Spittler Spicer seems to be a Hitler admirer like his boss, who kept a book of Hitler's speeches at his bedside according to his first wife, Ivana Trump.

Scientists recently discovered a strange new insect: the Orange-Tufted Twitter Flitterbug. It's a nasty little parasitical midge, but it dreams that it's a Monarch!

He's focused on the size of his crowds, the size of his ratings, the size of his hands, the size of, well, everything. — Jimmy Kimmel describing Mr. Measure

What color is Donald Trump's hairor whatever that is attached to his scalpand where on earth (or hell) did it originate? We took a scientific poll and here are the results, in order of ascending probability: (10) Trump's chameleon-like hair is the result of a freak mutation and has no permanent color; (9) a mouse underbelly dyed light orange in a lab experiment gone awry has been stitched to Trump's scalp by some modern Dr. Frankenstein; (8) Trump is wearing a yellow-ish-orange sewer rat carcass as a wig, (7) it is not hair, but accumulated orange vulture vomit as they circle above Trump's head waiting for his next kill, (6) bloody buzzard feathers have landed on Trump's head and are taking on odd hues as they putrefy; (5) Trump's alleged "hair" is actually a decaying possum pelt worn Davy-Crockett-style; (4) or it is Fess Parker's recycled raccoon cap dyed piss yellow; (3) Hitler's moustache has been dyed blonde in a botched job and turned into a wig; (2) Trump's hair is the Mark of Cain; (1) and/or it is a hastily-constructed screen designed to obscure the 666 birthmark on Trump's forehead.

George W. Bush was "The Decider." Donald Trump is "The Reverser." He lies to get votes, then reverses course. For instance, on the campaign trail Trump called China a "currency manipulator" and blasted President Obama as "weak" for letting them get away with it. But after being elected, Trump told the Wall Street Journal that China is not a currency manipulator, and that the real problem is the strength of the American dollar! How, then, was President Obama "weak"? It seems Trump is either weak-minded, an Orange Ball of Confusion, or a liar.

Nicknames Coined by Trump and/or his Family

Donald Drumpf — his German family name is Drumpf, which definitely suits him better!
The Donald — Ivana Trump (she first used the term in a 1989 Spy Magazine cover story)
The Most Fabulous Whiner — after Donald Trump described himself to CNN's Chris Cuomo as the "most fabulous whiner" who keeps "winning by whining"
Mr. "Art of the Deal" — Donald Trump (taken from the title of his 1987 book, which he considers to be second only to the Bible)
John Baron and John Barron — pseudonyms created by Donald Trump, apparently so that he could pose as his own publicist and brag about his sexual exploits to reporters
Humble — Donald Trump's ironic choice when asked to provide a Secret Service codename
Humble Trump — a nickname given to Donald Trump by his son Eric Trump aka "Eric the Red" and "Eric the Brain Dead"

Fox News Nicknames: Faux News, Foxy News, Foxes'R US, Shifty Fox News, The Virtual Reality News Network, Fox in the Henhouse News, Toolbox, Foolbox, AmeriKKKan Tass, AmeriKLAN Tass,

Movies soon to be made about the rise of Trump and the Trumpites: Presidential Apprentice, Trumpocalypse Now, Day of the Orange Jackal, Dumb and Dumber, Dawn of the Brain Dead, Revenge of the Turds, The Stepford Wives Deliver the Children of the Corn

Currently rising: Loser (Dan Rather), The Rookie (Nancy Pelosi), Mr. So-Called-President, The White House Resident, The Unprecedented President, Cheeto-in-Chief (Frank Vyan Walton), The Snapper (Garrison Keillor), The Tapp Dancer, Tap-Drunk Trump, Donald Dunderhead, The Twitter Flitterbug, Pander Bear, The Bullshit Artist (Fareed Zakaria), The Bullshitter (Fareed Zakaria), Donald Dork, Donald Darko, The Smug Mug Thug, Cultural Punch Line (Tom Scharpling), Child Emperor (Tom Scharpling), Big Agenda (David Horowitz), Truthophobic Trump (Elizabeth Harris Burch), Tweet-aholic Trump, The Scattershot Autocrat, The PseudoMonarch, Ronald McDonald Trump Bozo (Michael R. Burch), Twitter Troll Trump (Marlow Stern), The Rabble Rouser, Boss Baby Trump ...

There is a new reality show about the Trump presidency: The Boss Baby. Now showing at a theater near you!

Also rising: Trumpochka, Babycakes Trump, The Truculent Toddler, Petulant Man-Child Trump (Jen Hayden), Terroristic Man-Toddler (Charles M. Blow), The Boy President (Garrison Keillor) ...

The Constitution does not allow 13-year-olds to become president and now we can see why. — Garrison Keillor

Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway and Sean "Scary" Spicer insist that the press should be nice to Little Donnie Diaperpants. But Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper did not play nice with the other candidates! Turnabout is fair play, and now Devious Donald Diddlemaker is getting a taste of his own medicine! But Delicate Donald Dainty-Digits is handicapped by those tiny, pixie-like fingers! The more he grasps at straws like "fake news," the more the presidency slips through his teeny-tiny, slimy fingers. The world is decidedly not in good hands with Tear-and-Booger-Lubed Crybaby Trump in charge.

Kellyanne Conway is not the person you hire to explain what the president means. She's the person you hire to get rid of your teenage daughter's cheerleader rival!―Lewis Black

Sean "The Spice of Death" Spicer announced that Devin "Know-Nothing" Nunes's secret visit to the White House was "routine and proper." Spicer also announced that Donald Trump's groping of non-consenting women was "routine and proper."

Supreme Court Nominee Neil Gorsuch Nicknames

Darth Evader
Goldman Sachs' Rubber Stamp
The Unjust Justice
The Grinder (for grinding ordinary Janes and Joes under the crushing wheels of corporations)
The Greek Geek, Fratboy, FIJI-Boy, Animal House Boy and the Fraternizer (for defending his college frat against charges of date rape)
The Privileged Depriver

If Trump and his inner circle were a band, what would they be called? How about Donald and the Dunderheads, Donald and the Deplorables, Donald and the Disasters, Donald and the Incompetents, Trump and the Trumpeters, Lead Balloon (pun on Led Zeppelin)

Also rising: The Firestarter, The Pyromaniac, The Pyro President and The Flaming Hun ...

The house is on fire, Trump is running around with a box of matches, and the GOP demands to know who called the fire department.—Garry Kasparov 

Also rising: Reverse Robin Hood ...

Trump has a "Big Agenda." It's absolutely YUGE! Amerika's Reverse Robin Hood will rob the poor and give liberally to the super-rich. That, apparently, makes him a "conservative." Trump wants to start by robbing poor and middle-class Americans of their healthcare. The CBO estimates that by 2026 around 52 million American citizens will be uninsured. Obama really did care, but Trump obviously doesn't. ObamaCare would become NoMamaCare if Trump had his way. Trump's "Big Agenda" also includes stocking the swamp with his crocodilian donors and political piranha. They are already well on their way to eliminating Meals on Wheels, the Environmental Protection Agency, the Department of Education, and other programs that help ordinary Janes and Joes, not to mention millions of children. Meanwhile, taxpayers will shell out YUGE sums of money so that Trump can cheat at golf while Melania Antoinette and her Son King live in Trump Tower rather than the White House. At least Marie Antoinette said "Let them eat cake!" Melania and The Donald cry, "Let them eat nothing at all!" by slashing essential programs to the bone. It is obvious that a round of golf is more important to the Trumps than the lives of the less fortunate. If they really cared they would cut their personal expenditures and use the millions saved to fund important programs like Meals on Wheels.

Also rising: The Great Polluter, The Extinctor ...

"Historians in the near future will mark today, March 28, 2017, as the day the extinction of human life on earth began," Michael Moore tweeted, adding that the Environmental Protection Agency has been "prohibited henceforth from focusing on climate change."

Will Tweety and the Twits be shown the door soon? Will it be the door of a federal prison, for the high crime of treason?

Trump acronyms: POTUS (Putin-Puppet of the United States), SCROTUS (So-Called Ruler of the United States, by Elayne Boosler), BLOTUS (Biggest Loser of the United States), DONALD (Dangerously Outrageous Nincompoop and Lady Diddler), TRUMP (Traitorous Russian Undercover Marionette Puppet/The Real Undercover Manchurian President/Tyrannical Racist Unifying Mob Politics), S.O.S. (Son of Satan), D.U.M.B. (Deplorable Useless Man-Baby) and D.U.D. for DANGEROUSLY UNHINGED DONALD ...

This guy [Trump] is dangerously unhinged. And, for all the things people have said about me over the years, I should be able to spot Dangerously Unhinged.―Glenn Beck

Yes, when Glenn "Emotional Fescue" Beck calls you "unhinged," you have been identified by someone who knows whereof he speaks! And perhaps we can expand D.U.D. to DUDLEY DO-WRONG.

I am not going to stoop to Trump's level by calling women bimbos. But we really do need a term to describe women dim-witted enough to vote for MR. WIGGY PIGGY, so I am going to call them DIMBOS. But what can we call men who voted for Trump? Obviously, DUMBOS.

Quick, before it's too late, impeach Stephen "Acting President" Bannon!

And because President Bannon, a self-avowed anarchist and Leninist, is obviously in charge of Amerika's Bolshevik Revolution, we should call our sham president The Figurehead.

It's time to tell Smelly Anne Con-Job and the rest of Trump's Reeking Wrecking Crew "you're fired!" It's time to pull the plug on The Celebrity Apprentice President

Friends, please don't act so surprised. This is was what happens when we elect an Orange-Tufted Shit Gibbon president. Now the ludicrous monkey dances to Organ Grinder Bannon's dark, evil tunes.

Kellyanne Conway, aka Miss Misinformation, never dredged up a lie that she couldn't peddle like fool's gold to amateur prospectors.

If PRIMA DONALD  is correct that fake news is the enemy of the people, then quite obviously he is PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE, because no one has ever spewed more fake news than PRESIDENT PANTS-ON-FIRE.

Currently rising: THE POST-WEST PRESIDENT. Mr. Putin's master plan seems all too clear, and Russian foreign minister Sergey Lavrov even explained itin no uncertain termswhen he called publicly for a new "post-west" world order. Now the unthinkable has happened and PUTIN'S PUPPET is ensconced in the White House, running the U.S. government and in control of the American military and nuclear codes. Meanwhile, the vodka glasses are tinkling merrily in the Kremlin, as the POST-AMERICAN PRESIDENT bows meekly to Mr. Putin, awaiting his next Armageddon-inducing command. But to be more accurate, we should call him PUTIN'S POPPET because The Donald is so immature and emotionally fragile. In any case, the irony is palpable because conservative Christians who warned everyone about the NEW WORLD ORDER and the ANTICHRIST were the ones who ushered in both, with their ill-advised votes for COMRADE TRUMPUTIN. The ancient prophets warned us that in the last days even the very elect would be deceived. Exit polls revealed that four out of five evangelical Christians voted for Trump, the POST-CHRISTIAN PRESIDENT who boasts that he never asks God for forgiveness and speaks dismissively of Holy Communion and the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ as his "little cracker" and "little wine." Somewhere in the bowels of hell, the Devil must be laughing his ass off, knowing that Christians who fail to oppose the Beast will soon be his chattels! Meanwhile the THE SIX MILLION RUBLE MAN-BABY is playing golf every day, practicing to be Mr. Putin's caddy and water boy. TREASONOUS TRUMP should be made to walk the gangplank, like any mutineer.

There is no need to be concerned about what will happen to President Comrade Trumputin's bumbling Russian Mafia after they are exposed and fired, because they will soon be Putin' on the Ritz in some swanky chalet on the Russian Riviera! And please don't be shocked if Comrade Trumputin receives the coveted Hero of the Russian Federation medal, for services rendered. This is all part of Mr. Putin's master plan to recreate the Russian empire at its zenith, while discrediting the United States and making it appear weak and foolish in the world's eyes. Needless to say, Putin's plan is working to the T in Trumputin. The Donald is the perfect moron to make it happen! As I write this, a Russian spy ship―the Viktor Leonov―is lurking a mere 30 miles from Long Island, a stone's throw from Trump's famous tower. The name of the spy ship is no mistake: "Viktor" means "victory," or "conquest," while "Leon" means "lion," the king of the jungle. Mr. Putin is letting us know that he is now the King, the conqueror of America. Comrade Trumputin is his lackey, his stooge, his jester.

Mr. Putin will soon be directing a new "reality" version of Red Dawn, starring Red Don (aka Donald Trump aka Comrade Trumputin). Trump will also have starring roles in reality versions of Apocalypse Now, Doomsday and President Evil

Joe Scarborough accused Kellyanne Conway of being a "free agent." But he left out a word: Wrongway Conway is a Fact-Free Agent.

It's hard not to make fun of Trump's alleged "hair": Mr. Wiggy Piggy, Human-Toupee Hybrid, Hair Hitler, Toupée Fiasco, Squirrelwig McRacistPants

And what about those teeny-tiny hands: Short-Fingered Vulgarian (Graydon Carter), Delicate Donnie Dainty Digits, Tiny Hands Trump, Babyfingers Trump, Pixie Fingers Trump (Michael R. Burch), Babyhands McCheetodick, Coral Babyhands

Trump fairytale nicknames: Trumplethinskin, The Wizard of Ahs, Jaundiced Pinocchio, "Mr. President," The So-Called President (are we sure that it's even human?)

Trump cabinet nicknames: Monster's Ball (David Axelrod), The Amerikan Kremlin, KremlinGate, The Recusants, The Fourth Reich, The Russian Mafia, The Clandestine Klan, The Swamp Cabinet, The Swamp Stockers, Ku Klux Kabinet, KKK-Mart Kabinet, Killer Klown Kar Kabinet, The Roundhead Table, Dr. Strangelove & The Mad Bombers, Ding-a-Ling Brothers Three-Ring Circus, Amateur Hour at the White House, West Wingnuts, Batshit Crazy Bozos, Russian Roulette, Vlad and the Impalers, Sauron and the Numenoreans, Loki and the Frost Giants, Dr. Evil and the Mini-Me's, Caiaphas and the Sanhedrin, Judas and the Iscariots, Hostile Takeover of the White House, Team Trump, Diva Donald and the Trumps of Doom, Trump and the Grand Teutons

Betsy "Cruella" DeVos has been confirmed as the Secretary of Education, which is like Cruella De Vil being put in charge of human shelters. DeVile DeVos has opposed gay marriage while claiming to "advance God's kingdom." Diva DeVos once served on the board of the Acton Institute, a conservative organization that promotes dominion theology. Devoid DeVos not only has no experience in education, she has never attended a public school herself! DeVolution DeVos appears to favor "critical thinking" as a way to avoid teaching evolution to students, or misleading them into considering it an "unproven" theory. Wetsy Betsy seeks to water down and weaken teachers' unions. Betsy Dross loves to pose for photo-ops next to the American flag, but what will she do to American children? The Voucher Zealot aka Madame Voucher seems more than willing to sell American children down the river in return for taxpayer dollars being diverted to private religious schools. The Education Terminator is the sister of Erik Prince, the founder of Blackwater, the private security contractor accused of overbilling and human rights abuses during the Iraq War. Erik Prince of Darkness now advises Trump on intelligence and defense, according to the Intercept

TIME magazine put Stephen K. Bannon on its cover with the caption The Great Manipulator. But that gives Bannon far too much credit, because the "man" he keeps man-nip-ulating is really a Man-Baby, as Jon Stewart so accurately pointed out. Those teeny-tiny fingers grasping at straws are a dead giveaway! Therefore we think TIME should consider these much more accurate captions: The Great Baby-Man-ipulator, The Great Totipulator, The Great Tiny-Fingered-Tot-Tantrum-Inducer, Stephen KKK Bannon, Loose Cannon Bannon, The Amerikan Goebbels, Darkness Incarnate, AmeriKlan Idol, The Hunchback of Notre Dame (David Letterman), Darth Vader, Sauron, Sour-Hun, Steve "Fan Hate" Bannon

Donald Trump clown nicknames: Ronald McDonald Trump-Bozo, Krusty the Killer Klown, Orange Skelton, Putin's Puppet, Punch-Drunk and Rudy, the Fiddler (pun on the Riddler and Nero fiddling while Rome burned to the ground), the Joker-Groper, Bizarro Bozo, the Crime Mime

Trump supporter nicknames: Trump Nation, AlieNation, Tramps, Trump's Chumps, Chumpanzees, Putin's Puppets, Putin's Poppets, Re-flub-Lycans, Dumb and Dumber, Donald Duck Dynasty, Children of the Corn, The Stepfordians, The KKKardashians, The Deplorables, The Untouchables, Trumpites, Trumpettes, Trumpeters, Trumpeteers, Trumpniks, Trumpists, Trumpies, Trumpanzees, Trumpkins, Trumpaholics, Trumptards, Trumpster Divers, Trump's Schlumps, Troglodytes, Trump Junkies, The Walking Brain Dead, Groper Groupies, Sheeple, The Lost

Colorful Trump nicknames: PEEOTUS, Cheeto Benito, Cheetolini, The Cheeto Prophet (Murfster35), Marmalade Mussolini, Persimmon Hitler, Butternut Soufflé of Seeping Death, The Persimmon Satyr, The Orange Menace, Orange Julius, Orange Foolius, Angry Creamsicle, Orange Mephistopheles, Habañero Hitler, Sunkist Stalin, Tangerine Voldemort, Cheeto Satan, Fanta Fascist, Dreamsicle Demon, Orange Menace, El Hombre de Tang, Orange Anusmouth, Mandarin Orange Mugabe, The Orange Peel, Tangerine Nutsack, The Orange Shitweasel, President Tang, Persimmon Toddler, Kim Jong Orange, Pantone Beelzebub, Minute Maid Mao, Papaya Batista, Sweet Potato Saddam, Doorknob Trundlefuck, Tropicana Mussolini, Mangled Apricot Hellbeast, Pumpkin Pinochet, Cheeze Wiz, Lemonhead Elect, Peach Nehi President, Trump Brulée, Pumpkin Spice Satan, Tang Tyrant, Mandarin Manchurian Candidate, Sunburned Stalin, Cheeto-in-Chief, Salmon Voldemort, Candy Corn Kremlin, The Nacho Nazi, The Yellow Death, Yellow Fever, Orange-Tufted Twitter Flitterer

Donald Trump super-villain and superhero nicknames: Captain Chaos, Captain Un-America, Captain AmeriKKKa, Captain Underpants, Fatman, Duperman, Deadfool, Loki, The Incredible Shrinking President, The Lone Deranger, Herr Fantastic, Doktor Strange, Doktor Doom, Doomsday, Deathstroke, HairDevil, Kingpin, Liceman, The Orange Hulk, The Orange Thing, Orange Spawn, Gambit, Venom, Hellboy, Hellmanbaby, Ironic Man, The Inhuman Torch, Blightcrawler, Two-Face, Orange Skull, Apocalypse, Bizarro Bozo, Mr. Sinister, Bane, Zoom, Shredder, Mongul, Abomination, Hobgoblin, Parasite, Lizard, The Codfather

Tom "the Amerikan Mengele" Price seems determined to replace ObamaCare with TrumpedUpCare, which is not "health care" but "wealth care.". Tom "the Price is your Life" has been accused of trading health care stocks on the political version of insider information. Should Sir Pricealot be Trump's health czar, in charge of national health care policy? Should Tom Sellout be confirmed? Is the One Man Death Panel trying to save us, or just to profit from our misfortunes? Will the Six Million Death Man murder someone you know and love? Apparently, there are no decent Republican senators or congressmen willing to stand up to Trump and his dreadful nominees, so Tom Thumb will probably be confirmed and continue to thumb his nose at us, and at regulators, while replacing Obamacare with NoMamaCare. Trusting Trump and his goons with your family's health care is like a lamb seeking care and comfort from cold-blooded, venom-spitting cobras. Personally, I'd take my chances with the cobras. At least they stop attacking when their bellies are full.

Jason "Cheeky" Chaffetz has been called the Grandstanding Charlatan by Heather Digby Parton. That is too mild an epithet for our taste, but we do sympathize with the intense displeasure created by Chaff-Lips Chaffetz's reprehensible antics. Is the only security risk in the Wild Wild West a Hillary Clinton email? Do Jason and the Ego-Nuts have no sense of justice, no sense of fair play, no concern for national security? Are they "Christians" or just Chaff for an eternal bonfire? If I commit an act of treason, can I join the GOP and retreat to No-Tell Hotel Chaffetz? Can I later join Jason "Putin on the Ritz" Chaffetz on some Russian Riviera? Will he store snacks in those cute Chipmunk Cheeks of his, then pop them out like party favors when a bare-chested Putin shows up to draw diagrams of Armageddon in the sand? Will we both be "in like Flynn-t" with Mr. Putin, not to mention Michael Flynn himself?

But please don't be unkind to Michael "Red Flynnstone" Flynn! Yes, it's obviously true that Donald Trump dresses him, and that they both use super-long ties to hide their glaring deficiencies "down there." The tiny hands grasping at straws are dead giveaways that they are both extremely under-endowed! But that is not a crime! Nor is it a crime that Skinflynnt and Mr. Moneybags share a real passion for the Bomb! After all, we paid perfectly good money for lots of Nukes, so we damn sure ought to be able to use lots of Nukes on someone! The only question remaining is: who, or is it whom? Now Flynn can ride off into the sunset to retire at Mr. Putin's expense, while Agent Orange picks an appropriate target to initiate the Apocalypse ... eenie, meenie, mienie, mo ... Iran? North Korea? China? ... go!

It's no secret that Trump's favorite nightcap is a White Russian. As Mark Sumner pointed out: "When Donald Trump slithered down that escalator in 2015 to announce he was running for president, he brought with him two decades of connections to Russia. By the time the primaries were winding down, he’d acquired a collection of staff and advisers who were not just Russophiles, but fans of autocrat Vladimir Putin. Chief among them were Paul Manafort, Carter Page, and Michael Flynn." Now Mr. Putin is apparently running the show through his semi-American surrogates, who will hereafter be known as Putin's Puppets, or perhaps more accurately, Putin's Poppets. It is rumored that Mr. Putin will soon award Putin's Proxies the "Red Badge of Courage," after which the cringers will be allowed to kiss the tip of his whip.

The Swamp Restocker has been a busy little beaver, erecting dams and flooding the boggy bottomland on behalf of his crocodilian donors and political piranha. Now the Swampland Salesman will earn YUGE personal profits, while enjoying the spectacle of his former supporters being devoured alive! Will Trump cry crocodile tears for them? No, but he will raise the membership fees at Mar-a-Lago, which will resemble a Roman amphitheater full of rich drunk a$$holes crying out for another slave to be fed to the lions (or, in this case, to the cold-blooded reptiles).

We all know how The Donald loves gold: hell, he even gold-plates his toilets! But did you know that Trump is in the process of "gold-plating" the White House, by turning it over to Goldman Sachs? After promising to "drain the swamp," Trump has instead aided and abetted the Goldman Sachs Takeover of the U.S. government. To "sack" a city is to besiege, destroy and plunder it. Trump's avaricious Gold Sackers are now in the process of sacking Washington D.C., and the nation along with it. Trump's cabinet and key advisers include Gold Diggers like Stephen Bannon, Gary Cohn, Steve Mnuchin, Dina Powell, Anthony Scaramucci and Jay Clayton. "I know the guys at Goldman Sachs. They have total, total control over him," Trump said of Ted Cruz. "Just like they have total control over Hillary Clinton." What Trump didn't bother to tell anyone is that he bows down to and worships the Golden Idols. The market value of Goldman Sachs soared by $4 billion in a single day as Mammon-Worshiper Trump signed an order to begin the process of dismantling Dodd-Frank, with former Goldman president Gary Cohn standing behind him, like the Emperor directing Darth Vader to destroy entire planets and their inhabitants in the quest for wealth and power. Goldman Sachs has watched its stock soar 33% in the short period of time that Trump has been president. Investors understand what the Sach-ing of America means. It means the rich get richer, while everyone else is forced to submit to the Trump Death Star, or perish.

A few more for good measure (or bad): The Fake War Criminal, Code Red, Code Orange, Chemical Donnie (pun on Chemical Ali), The Flip-Flopper, The Manipulator, The Strike-Out King, The American Erdogan

Nicknames of Trump's Family, Friends, Cabinet and Associates

Trump Immediate Family and Most Intimate Friends

Trump family nicknames: The Brooklyn Hillbullies, Donald Duck Dynasty, Children of the Corn, The Stepfordians, The KKKardashians, Poor Little Bitch Kids, Four Norsemen of the Trumpocalypse, The Cold Ones
Donald Trump nicknames: The Donald, Putin's Puppet, Putin's Poodle, The Brooklyn Bolshevik, Comrade Trumputin, The Russian Mole, Russian's Unwitting Agent, Moscow's Useful Fool, The ANTICHRIST
Vladimir Putin nicknames: Vova, Abaddon (the Angel of Death), Vlad the Impaler, Vladula, Pale Moth (his KGB code name), The Kremlin's Grey Cardinal, Blonde Bond, The Puppet Master, Trump's Controller, The BEAST
Sergey Kislyak nicknames: The Recruiter, The Mole Man, Russia's Top Spy, Trump's Handler, The Impresario
Boris Epshteyn nicknames: Bore Us (his high school nickname), Boris Badenov, Putin's Proxy, The Russian Surrogate, The Rat, The Mole, The "Invest in Moscow" Guru, Frankenstein Epshteyn
Ivanka Trump nicknames: Ivanka Wanker, Ivanka Spanker, Proxy Wife, Nordic Goddess, Norwegian Wood Inducer, The Real First Lady, Mrs. Kushner, Kushner's Crush, The Smart One
Jared Kushner nicknames: Little Jared (Ana Navarro), Baby Boy (Ana Navarro), Cushy Kushner, Trump's Little Cushball (Alec Baldwin on SNL), Jarhead, Jared "the Red" Kushner, Jarring Kushner, The Boy Blunder, Little Lord Fauntleroy (Duratti on Daily Kos), The Preppie Neo-Con, Ralph Lauren of Arabia (@ChannelTrump), Jivanka, Jervanka, Ivanka's Krush, Nimrod (Nimrod, the son of Kush, was the founder of Babylon)
Donald Trump Jr. nicknames: Junior, Dunce Jr., Ponyboy, Bozo Boy, Booby, Chip Off the Old Blockhead, The Bedwetter and Diaper Don (because in college he would get drunk, pass out and wet the bed)
Eric Trump nicknames: Eric the Red, Eric the Brain Dead, Eric of Orange, Eric Idle, Mr. Alt-Right, Mr. Roboto
Tiffany Trump nicknames: Tiff, Wild Card, The Other Daughter, Any Tiff, Fit Fanny
Barron Trump nicknames: Mini-Donald, Little Donald, Poor Little Rich Boy
Melania Trump nicknames: The Slovenian Sphinx (Maureen Dowd), Melania Antoinette, First Babe, Melanoma, The Ice Queen (Gloria Erin Ryan), The Swamp Queen, Tinderella, The Trump Sitter, The Trump Swatter (after she slapped her husband's hand away on an airport runway in Isreal), TerminEX, (ditto), The Black Widow, Pussy Bow (because she wore a "pussy bow" to the St. Louis debate), Double Agent (Christen Clifford suggested that the "pussy bow" was a feminist rebuke of her husband's pussy groping), Agent 69, The Superglamorous Stepford Wife (André Leon Talley), Mater Harry (pun on Mata Hari and Dirty Harry), Eye Candy, KKK (her bra size)

Trump's Inner Circle

Stephen K. Bannon nicknames: Acting President, Stephen KKK Bannon, Loose Cannon Bannon, Darkness Incarnate, AmeriKlan Idol, Deceivin' Stephen, Darth Vader, Darth Bannon, Sauron, Sour-Hun, The Great Manipulator (TIME), The Great Baby-Man-ipulator, The Great Totipulator, The Amerikan Goebbels, The Hunchback of Notre Dame (David Letterman), Steve "Fan Hate" Bannon, Rupert Murder-Doc, Mr. Destructo, Stephen "Sith Lord" Bannon, Supremacist Steve, The Dark Master of Disaster, Stephen Stipulator, Little Stevie Blunder, The Svengali

Kellyanne Conway nicknames: Wrongway Conway (Michael R. Burch), The Spin-Mistress (Bess Levin), Miss Misinformation (Michael R. Burch), The Trump Whisperer (Frank Bruni), Motor Mouth (David Horsey), Smelly Anne Con-Job, Con-Way Twitter ("Can we con our way to the presidency, using Twitter?"), Con-Way Twit, "Nutter Consigliere (Jim Newell), The Mercenary (Jim Newell), Vichy (Stephen Romanenghi), Free Agent (Joe Scarborough), Fact-Free Agent (Michael R. Burch), Fatal Attraction (SNL), Mistress of Propaganda, Bride of Dracula, Spawn of the Undead, The Crypt Keeper, The Cryptomaniac

Paul Manafort nicknames: The Count, The Uber-Lobbyist (David Catanese), Putin's Revenge, Yanukovych's Yankee Yanker, Russian Lobbyist-in-Chief, American Mole, The Ultimate Insider, Knuckles, Steamroller, The Six Million Ruble Man

Roger Stone nicknames: Roger Rabid (Michael R. Burch), Dirty Trickster (Elizabeth Burke), Roger the Artless Dodger, Professional Lord of Mischief, State of the Art Sleazeball, Boastful Black Prince of Sleaze, Roger "Glands of Stone," Ratf*cker, The Most Dangerous Person in America Today (The Village Voice)

Chief of Staff Reince Priebus nicknames: Rinse Penis, Rinse Priapus, Prince Penis, Prince Precipice, Prince Rhesus, Prince Rebus, Princess Reba, RNC PR BS (by removing all vowels), E Priebus Loonum, "Rinse Twice and Spit" Priebus, Prince Precipitous, Rancid Rinse, Rancid Penis, Rinse Repeat, The Mincing Prince, Rimjob Precipuss

Trump foreign policy adviser Carter Page nicknames: Stranichkin (Russian for "little page"), The Window Dresser, Putin's Page Boy, Putin's Pimp, Putin's Apologist, Moscow's Brazen Apologist (Michael Isikoff), Trump's Moscow Mystery Man (Julia Ioffe), The Russian Mole, The Gazprom Greaser, Who? (Corey Lewandowski, Politico, Bill Browder and other Real Experts on Russia)

Paul Ryan nicknames: Lyin' Ryan, Cryin' Ryan, Paul Pot, Pious Paul, Paul Ruin, Small-Ball Ryan, Beaver Cleaver, Eddie Munster, Alfalfa, Mr. 1%, A-ryan, Brown Nose (he was voted "Biggest Brown-Noser" by his graduating class in 1988), Nana Killer, The Granny Killer, Rathole, Trump's Cheerleader (Dan Rather), Ryan's Hopeless

Mitch McConnell nicknames: Fuckface McTurtlebitch, The Turtle (Jon Stewart), Dick Turtle, Mitch the Snitch, Mitch the Bitch, Mitch the Snitch-Bitch, Mitch the Glitch, Mitch the Twitch, Mitch the Shitz, Mitch Switch Bait, Koch Addict (Michael R. Burch), Ditch McConnell, The Ditch Dweller

Sarah Palin nicknames: Sarah Barracuda, Sarahcudda, Caribou Barbie, Half-Baked Alaskan, Moose-o-lini, The Wasilla Gurlilla or Gurlzilla, Whore of Babble-On, The Wasilla Hillbilly, Mama Grizzly, Palin-Drone, McCain's Bane, Weepin'-'n'-Wailin' Sarah Palin (Michael R. Burch)

Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch nicknames: Darth Evader, Goldman Sachs' Rubber Stamp, A$$hole, The Unjust Justice, The Grinder (for grinding ordinary Janes and Joes under the crushing wheels of corporations), The Greek Geek, Fratboy, FIJI-boy and the Fraternizer (for defending his college frat against charges of date rape)

Bill O'Reilly nicknames: Shill O'Reilly, Bull O'Really, Bill O'Goods, The Spin Zone Doctor, The Spin Doktor, The Spin DoKKKtor, Papa Bear (Stephen Colbert), Mr. Sexual HarA$$ment, Sex Beast, Sexual Predator, The Permanent Vacationer, Big O (George W. Bush), Podzilla (since his new medium will be podcasts)

Corey Lewandowski nicknames: Gory Corey, Mr. Assault and Battery, The Lobbyist, Never-Elected (he received a whopping 7 votes in his first election campaign and never won an election), The Wand of Death

Trump's Cabinet

Trump cabinet nicknames: Monster's Ball (David Axelrod), The Swamp Cabinet, Ku Klux Kabinet, KKK-Mart, Three-Ring Circus, Killer Klown Kar, The Roundhead Table, The West Wingers, The West Wingnuts, Moscow on the Hudson (Michael R. Burch), The Kremlin Connection, Putin's Puppets, Putin's Proxies, Dr. Strangelove & Co., Dawn of the Brain Dead

Vice President Mike Pence nicknames: Hoosier, Cuddles, Trumpence None the Retcher (Michael R. Burch), Silver Faux Fox, The Mad Monk, Dense Pence (Michael R. Burch), Out of the Loop Dupe (USA Today)
Secretary of State Rex Tillerson nicknames: T-Rex, Rexosaurus, T-Wrecks, Rex Drillerson, Rex Killerson, Putin's Puppet, Putin's Rasputin (Michael R. Burch), Rexputin
Secretary of Energy Rick Perry nicknames: Crotch (because he wore tight jeans and adjusted himself often), Dumbass, Secretary of the Department of Oops! ("Whazzat? Duh, I forget!")
Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos nicknames: Cruella DeVos, Cruella DeVile, Diva DeVos, DeVile DeVos, DeVoid DeVos, Devolution, Wetsy Betsy, Betsy Dross, The Education Terminator, Madame DeVoucher
Secretary of the Treasury Steve Mnuchin nicknames: Hedge Hog, PAC-man, No-Chin Mnuchin, The Foreclosure King, The Forecloser, The Double-Downer, The Granny Terminator, Dune Messiah
Secretary of Defense James Mattis nicknames: Mad Dog, Warrior Monk, Mad Monk, Chaos (call-sign)
Former Secretary of Defense Mike Flynn nicknames: Dr. Strangelove, In Like Flynnt, Red Flynnstone (Michael R. Burch), "Flynn Facts," Putin's Pawn, Amerika's Angriest General, Flynnskint, Red Flynn
Secretary of Agriculture George Ervin Perdue III nicknames: Sonny, Ophie Junior (his mother's name was Ophie), The Rainman (he once "prayed up a storm" pleading for rain)
Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke: Rinky-Dink Zinke, The SOFA Commando (Special Operations Fraud & Anarchy), The Bozeman Bozo, The Knife Collector, On-the-Blink Zinke
Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross nicknames: Ross Rothschild (he worked for N. M. Rothschild & Sons), The Bankruptcy King, Wilbur Wrong Force, Heavens to Betsy Ross
Secretary of Labor Andrew Puzder nicknames: Putz Puzder, Colonel Klink, CKE-n Little, The Wage Terrorist, The Wage Deflator, The Lowballer, The Burger-Bikini Baron, Randy Andy
Secretary of Labor Alexander Acosta nicknames: Alex, Dean, Trump's Token Hispanic, The Exile (his parents are Cuban refugees)
Secretary of Health & Human Services Tom Price nicknames: The Amerikan Mengele, Tom Sellout, One Man Death Panel, The Six Million Death Man, Tom Thumb, Tom "Profit More" Price, Tom "the Price is Your Life"
Secretary of HUD Ben Carson nicknames: Psychopath (Donald Trump), HUD Ornament (Michael R. Burch), Crazy Ben Carson, Dummy (his childhood nickname), Eli (his Secret Service code name), One Nation (his choice)
Secretary of Veterans Affairs David Shulkin nicknames: Skulkin' Shulkin (Michael R. Burch), The Designated Survivor
Secretary of Homeland Security John F. Kelly nicknames: Hobo, The Hitcher (he hopped freighters in his youth), Moonshine ("My first time overseas was taking 10,000 tons of beer to Vietnam!")
Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao nicknames: Mrs. Mitch McConnell, Tiger Wife (Stuart Bloch), Madame Secretary, Fireworks, Short Fuse
Deputy Attorney General Dana J. Boente nicknames: Deputy Dawg, Trump's Lapdog, Barney Fife, Goober, The Decoy
Attorney General Jeff Sessions nicknames: Kangaroo Court Sessions, Hessian Sessions, Secessionist Sessions, Russian Red Sessions, Rushin' Sessions, Stressin' Sessions (Elizabeth Harris Burch), Jefferson "No Regard" Sessions (his full name is Jefferson Beauregard Sessions), Disjointed Sessions

Trump's Allies, Supporters, Henchmen, Associates and Lapdogs

White House Pres Secretary Sean Spicer nicknames: Scary Spicer (Elizabeth Harris Burch), Vanilla Spice, Vanilla Spicer, The Spice of Death, Sean Sphincter (College Voice), Hedgehog and Hedge-Dodger (after Spicer hid behind a hedge to avoid reporters), Spittler, Shitler, Twitler, The Holocaust Apologist, The Mouthpiece (David Horsey), Spicy, Motor Mouthpiece, Sean "the Truth De-Icer" Spicer, Sean "Dawn of the Dead" Spicer, Spokestoady, Spokestwit, Spokestot, Spokesboy, Spokestoddler, Spokestool, Spokesmoron, Spokesliar, Spokeswhiner, Press Reagent, Full Court Press, The Tass A$$, Tass Light, The Tass-manian Devil, Amerikan Goebbels, Wormtongue, Sinister Spice, Little Tattletale Teller, Sauerkraut Spicer, Five Alarm Spicer, The S**t Spicer, Tokyo Rose, Spastic Spicer, Trump's Human Twitter Feed, The Baghdad Bobblehead, Spiced Whiner, Spiced Lice, The Slime Spreader, Skippy, Old Spice, The Depressing Press Secretary, Former Press Secretary

Chair of the House Oversight Committee Jason Chaffetz nicknames: Chaff, Chaffy, Chaff-Lips, Chipmunk, Chipmunk Cheeks, Cheeky, No-Tell Hotel Chaffetz, Grandstanding Charlatan (Heather Digby Parton), Jason "Putin on the Ritz" Chaffetz, (Michael R. Burch), Jason and the Ego-Nuts (Michael R. Burch), Half-Assed Chaffetz

House Intelligence Chairman Devin Nunes nicknames: Known-Nothing Nunes, Numbnuts Nunes, Devin Devil, Nanu Nanu Nunes, See-no-Evil-Hear-no-Evil-but-sure-as-hell-embrace-Evil Nunes
Erik Prince nicknames: The Prince of Darkness, Creature from the Blackwater Lagoon, The Mercenary, Soldier of Misfortune, The Envoy, Trump's Unofficial Russian Envoy
Congressman Dana Rohrabacher: Putin's Favorite Congressman, Putin's Apologist, Putin's Proxy, Assad's AmeriKlan Ally, Dana the Red, Red Dana, Dirty Dana 
SEC Chairman Walter J. Clayton nicknames: Jay, Jaybird, The Bailout King, The Wall Street Jaywalker, Goldman Sacks Washington, Hatin' Clayton
Trump donor Robert Mercer nicknames: Hedge Hog, PACman, Dark Money, The Megadonor, Merciless Mercer, Ming the Merciless, The Cluster Fucker, The Quant King, The Money Man, The Cat Talker, Bob
Trump donor Rebekah Mercer nicknames: Bekah, Bekah Bilker, Bannon's Backer, The Whiny Hellcat
Trump donor Sylvain Mirochnikoff nicknames: The Trader, The Director, The Exotic Equity Derivatives Trader
Trump spokesperson and attorney Michael D. Cohen nicknames: Kremlin Charlie, Lavrov's Dog (pun on Pavlov's Dog)
Director of the National Economic Council Gary Cohn nicknames: Sachs-man, Cohn's Disease, A$$hole, Con Tiki, Globalist Gary, The Government Sacker, The Risk Taker, The TARP King, Bailout Boy
Deputy National Security Adviser K. T. McFarland nicknames: Far-Out McFarland, The Ditz, McFibber, The Airhead
Deputy National Security Adviser for Strategy Dina Habib Powell nicknames: Sachs-girl, Sachs Diva
Deputy Chief of Staff Rick Dearborn nicknames: Deputy Lap Dawg, Greenhorn Dearborn, Stillborn Dearborn, Red Rick, Russian Rick
Deputy Communications Director Jessica Ditto nicknames: Ditto, "Ditto That," Miss Redundant, Bevin's Bane, Trump's Blonde Brander  
Assistant to the President Marc Short nicknames: Short of the Mark Marc, Koch Addict, Koch Lite, The ASS-istant, Junior Asshole
Personal Aide John McEntee nicknames: Aide de Camp, Aide de Kampf, Teed-Off McEntee
Deputy Chief of Staff Joe Hagin nicknames: Ragin' Hagin
Executive Assistant Madeline Westerhout nicknames: Trump's Toady, Wicked Witch of the Westerhout
Director of Oval Office Operations Keith Schiller nicknames: The Shill
Felix Sater nicknames: The Margarita Assassin, Felix Satyr, Red Felix, The Hudson on Moscow (Sater worked on plans to build a Trump Tower in Moscow), The Red Turk
Rudy Giuliani nicknames: Trudy, Julianne, Rudy the Red-Nosed Panderer, Amerika's Scariest Mayor, Rude Ruddy Rudy, The Scampaign Manager
Newt Gingrich nicknames: Tadpole, Angry Tadpole, Angry Muffin (Peggy Noonan), Bloated Bullfrog, The One Stop Lobby Shop
Mitt Romney nicknames: Bishop Romney, The RomneyBot, The Unfantastic Plastic Man, Bain in the Ass (David Letterman's #1), King of Bain (Newt Gingrich), Mitt the Twit (The Sun of London, Rupert Murdoch)              
Mike Pompeo nicknames: Pompous Asshole, Putin's Pompous Pimp
Peter Navarro nicknames: The EEKonomist, Bullshitter in the China Shop
Mike Huckabee nicknames: Judas, Huckster Huckabee, Huckleberry Spin, Huckmaster General, Huck Fuckabee, Huck Upchuck, Brother Smother, Tax Hike Mike, Triple Wide, Duck Hunter
Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders nicknames: Miss Huckster, Basic Atrocity, Women's Fibber, Sister Smother, Slimy Sellout, Train Wreck, Miss Derailment, Faux News Vixen, Lil' Spice, Less Seasoned Spice
Deputy Chief of Staff Katie Walsh nicknames: Welshing Walsh, Katie Bar the Door
Chris Christie nicknames: Christie Kreme, The Illsbury Dough-Boy, Cookie Monster, Big Boy (George W. Bush), Pork Chop, Enormes Pantalones, Pufferfish, Trueheart (his choice for a Secret Service code name)
Director of Strategic Communications Hope Hicks nicknames: Hopeless Hicks, Tricky Hicky, Trump's Hope for Hicks to Rule the World!
Ann Coulter nicknames: AnnThrax, Coultergeist, Beltway Barbie, Cuckoo Coulter, Chairman Ann, Ann Coltrear, Colt 34D (allegedly her bra size, but a man would have to drink a helluva lot of Colts to be sure!)
Joe Arpaio nicknames: Wyatt Twerp, Boss Hogg, Big Pig, The Maricopa Madman, Captain James Tiberius Jerk, Colonel Klink, Officer Loco, Wiley E. Peyote, Lawrence of Insania, Tonto, Prickzilla Queen of the Desert
Jeb Bush nicknames: Tortoise (George W. Bush), Low Energy (Donald Trump), Eveready (Jeb's retort to Trump when asked to pick his Secret Service code name), Veto Corleone, The Bushmaster, Bush League, Gator
Carly Fiorina nicknames: Chainsaw Carly (for all the jobs she cut at HP and Compaq), Golden Parachutress, The Anti-Hillary, Secretariat (her choice for a Secret Service code name)
John Kasich nicknames: Pope (he wanted to be the pope as a boy), Unit One (his choice for a Secret Service code name), Unit Two (his wife's alternate suggestion!)
Rand Paul nicknames: Mr. Nerdy Perm, Mr. Poodle-'Do, Justice Never Sleeps (his choice for a Secret Service code name; he later called it "one of those nicknames you try to make happen and miserably fail")
Scott Walker nicknames: The Desperado (in his high school yearbook), Niedermeyer (after an overly aggressive ROTC leader in the movie Animal House), Scott Balker, Harley (his choice for a Secret Service code name)
Rupert Murdoch nicknames: Rupert Murder-Doc, Papa Doc, Ru Paul (Stephen Colbert), The Last Press Baron (CNN), the Dirty Digger (Ian Hislop), the Mudslinger, the Faux Fox, Murdoch of the Mammaries
Antonin Scalia nicknames: Antonin "Scaly" Scalia, Nino (Spanish for "infant"), El Nino, El Ninny
Anthony Scaramucci nicknames: Anthony "Scary" Scaramucci, Scarface
David Melech Friedman nickames: Moloch, Fried Brain Man, Mr. Apartheid, Israel's Goebbels
Sebastian Gorka nicknames: Gorky Park, Dorky Park, The Irregular, The Mad Hungarian, The Hungarian Hun, The Incredible Shrinking "Expert" Witness
Carl Icahn nicknames: Mr. Delorean, Mr. Bailout, Mr. Too Big Not to Fail, The Grey Grifter, Back to the Suture, The Artful Dodger
Daniel Coates nicknames: Dan, Offshore Dan, Coates of Many Colors
White House Counsel Don F. McGahn nicknames: The Enabler, Cover Artist, Undercover Artist (he does cover songs), Guitar Dan (pun on "Guitar Man"), Mr. Bribery, The One-Man Wrecking Crew, Mini-Don
Michael Dubke nicknames: Mike, Karl Rove Jr., Mystery Man, Happy Warrior
Peter Navarro nicknames: Novice, Nutjob, Ninny
Ajit Pai nicknames: Dark Yoda, The Agitator, The Net Neutrality Negator, The Broadband Baron, Big Brother, Trump's Sinister Swami
Glenn Beck nicknames: Voldemort, Emotional Fescue (Michael R. Burch), American Rhodes, Glen "Weepin'-'n'-Wailin'" Beck
Kevin McCarthy nicknames: Kevin “Loose Lips Sink Ships” McCarthy
Dave Brat nicknames: Bratman, Terrible Tyke, Dark Night of the Soul
Raul Labrador nicknames: Raul "Lapdog" Labrador, Black Lab, Trump's Retriever, Labrador Guppy
Dick Cheney nicknames: The Penguin, Mr. Vice, Big Time (George W. Bush), Duke Nukem
Donald Rumsfeld nicknames: Rummy (George W. Bush), Rheumy, Rheumatoid
Karl Rove nicknames: Turd Blossom (George W. Bush), Turd Polisher (George H. W. Bush), Rover, Red Rover, Red Raver
John Boehner nicknames: Boner (George W. Bush), Orange Man, Trump's Tan Companion
John McCain nicknames: Hogan (George W. Bush), The Maverick (Sarah Palin)
Maureen Dowd nicknames: The Cobra (George W. Bush), Howdy Dowdy, Dowdy Do-Wrong, Fraulein Dowdy
Kayleigh McEnany nicknames: Kellyanne Lite, Inane McEnany, McLiar, Blond Bombshell Exploding into Alternative Facts
Dan Scavino nicknames: Scarface, The Scavenger, Social Media Czar, Trump's Twitter Babysitter (Michael R. Burch)
David Bossie nicknames: Bossy, the Boss, Bessie
Secretary of the Army Mark Green nicknames: Greenhorn, Greensleeves, Emergency!, The Medic, Critical Care, The Homophobe
National Security Adviser General Herbert Raymond McMaster nicknames: Master of Disaster, McMonster, H.R., Bannon's Banisher, The Iconoclast General
Ezra Cohen-Watnick nicknames: The Tapp Dancer, Deep Bloat I, The Informant, The Whistleblower, a "whistleblower-type person" (Paul Ryan), Flynn's Flunked Flunkey, Big Fan of Covert-y Action Stuff
Michael Ellis nicknames: Eely Ellis, The Eel, Ellis Islander, Deep Bloat II
John Eisenberg nicknames: The Illegal Eagle, Deep Bloat III, Iceberg
Roger Ailes nicknames: Roger the Unartful Dodger, The Sex Cadger Codger, Roger Flogger, Roger the Sex Rabbit, The Predator, The Human Toad (SemDem on Daily Kos)
Billy Bush nicknames: Bush League, The Bush Beater
Richard LeFrak nicknames: The Mogul, The Overseer
Harrison LeFrak nicknames: The Brain, Dirty Harry
Chris Ruddy nicknames: Ruddy Buddy, Trump's Spokespal, The Smokescreen, Red Ruddy, Chris Phish, Bad Fungus
Sean Hannity nicknames: Sean O'Scammity (Michael R. Burch), Sean of the Dead, Lumpy (Jon Stewart), Handy Hannity, Shammity, Sean Vanity, Sean Insanity, Loverboy, Flubberboy
Trump lawyer Sheri A. Dillon nicknames: Gunsmoke (pun on Matt Dillon), The Smoking Gun, The Hired Gun, Ms. Trust (pun on "mistrust"), Trump's Legal Beagle
Michael Steele nicknames: The Sesame Street Guy (Jon Stewart, who compared him to Grover), The Man of Steal (pun on stealing elections and human rights, two GOP objectives)
Jeff Flake nicknames: The Flake, Snow Flake, Corn Flake, Flake the Snake, Fake Spews
Dean Heller nicknames: Heller High Water, Hell's Bells, The Hellion
Tom Cotton nicknames: Cottonmouth, Cotton Candypants, White Fluff, The White Cotton King, Uncle Tom, Tehran Tom
Orrin Hatch nicknames: Orrin Goering, Orrin Moron, Orrin Boring, Borin' Orrin, Boring Snatch, The Hatchling, Half-Hatched Orrin, Down the Hatch Orrin, The Albino Weasel, Mucoso
John Cornyn nicknames: Corndog (George W. Bush), Cornpone, Corn Prone, Corncob, Corny, KKK Cornyn
Lamar Alexander nicknames: Hedy, Alexander the Ungreat, The Candyman
John Barrasso nicknames: Bare Ass, The Ass, The A$$hole, Wyoming's Doktor, John-Boy
Mike Lee nicknames: Mikey, The General, The Ungreat Dane, Alito Jr.
Cory Gardner nicknames: The Unconstant Gardner, Tory Cory, The GOP Bad Idea Man, C-Money, The Young Gun, Scattershot
Pat Toomey nicknames: Sock It Toomey, Senator Elevator (because he dodged Trump by hiding in an elevator), Stand Pat Toomey
Rob Portman nicknames: Beltway Rob, PAC-Man, The Lobbyist, The Insider, The Outsourcer, The Job Robber, Washington's First Porter, Port in a Shit Storm, Portmanteau
Mike Enzi nicknames: Hate Frenzy Enzi, The Wyoming Homophobe, The Hate Crime Defender
John Thune nicknames: Out-of-Tune Thune, The Giant Killer
AshLee Strong nicknames: Eddie Munster's Press Secretary, The SpinMistress, The Black Widow
James Comey nicknames: Homey Comey, Show Me Comey, The Election Rigger, Trump's Red-Headed Stepchild
Sam Nunberg nicknames: The Nun, Nanoo Nunberg, Sam the None
Marc E. Kasowitz nicknames: Marc the Narc, Case o' Nits
Barry Bennett nicknames: Bennet Dick Arnold, Bare Net Bennet
Budget Director Mick Mulvaney nicknames: Mick the Prick, Mick the Vain, Whether Vane Mick, Insane Mulvaney
Rod Blum nicknames: Bloomin' Idiot, The Screener, The Stalker, The Quitter (after Blum stalked out of an interview in which he was asked why he screens attendees of his "public" meetings)
Trump senior political adviser Stephen Miller nicknames: Young Gargamel (Stephen Colbert), Sméagol (Trevor Noah), Basic Henchman  (Trevor Noah), Master of Mendacity (Frank Vyan Walton), Neo-Jackboot (Frank Vyan Walton), The Love-Wall-Builder, "Mad Men" Miller, The Sh*tstreamer, The True Believer & Deceiver

Nicknames for Trump's "Movement"

Twilight Zone — Dan Rather
Trump's Trolls
Trump's Troll Army — Bryan Menegus
Donald Duck Dynasty
The Den of the Re-flub-Lycans
The Trump of Doom Preaching to His Demented Choir
Fifty Shades of Orange
Fifty Shades of Orange Lipstick on a Pig
The Mad Groper and His Goons
Prick Worshippers
Ass Grubbers
Trump Dump (#2)
Thurston Howell Bowel Movement
Hair Hitler and the Aryan Stupormen
Republican Rapture
Stockholm Syndrome
Trump Slump
Red-to-Blue Dawn

Donald Trump Campaign Slogans and Parodies

Heil Trump!
Heil Hair Hitler!
Win one for the Groper!
GOP now means "Grab Our Pussies!" — Bill Maher parody
Trump 2016: Somebody's doing the raping! — Jon Stewart parody
Trump 2016: Somebody's doing the raping! OMG, it's The Donald! — Jon Stewart parody update
Make America great again, for every pawn! — Michael R. Burch parody
Make America grope again!
Make America grate again, so that minorities will migrate again! — Michael R. Burch parody
Make America gyrate again: grope pussy!
Make America gripe again!
Make America WHITE again!
Stand by your con man! — Michael R. Burch parody
Speak loudly and carry a big shtick! — Michael R. Burch parody
We have nothing to fear but Mexicans, Muslims, Mormons, women's body fluids, facts, science, gay couples, transgenders, and anyone who is not a lily-white male Christian heterosexual!
Get a grip: grope!
Clean up America: DUMP TRUMP!
A horrifying and destabilizing betrayal of the norms of American politics. — Dan Rather
Republican Rapture
Trump Slump
We have just begun to grope!
Wait and see what happens! (Or flee to Canada if you have any sense!)
Dumpster fire!
Fun for all, and all for fun: grope pussy!
Trump Chumps: Because thinking is hard!
Comb over to our side!
Golden Wrecking Ball — Sarah Palin (not a parody)

Top Ten Donald Trump Campaign Songs

"Oops, I Kidded Again (Forget about the Wall, Jobs and Locking up Hillary)" sung to the tune of "Oops, I Did it Again" by Britney Spears
"We're an  AmeriKKKan KKKlan" sung to the tune of "We're an American Band" by Grand Funk Railroad
"We Shall Overcomb" sung to the tune of "We Shall Overcome"
"Lockin' Up the Free World" sung to the tune of "Rockin' the Free World" by Neil Young
"Trump Can Always Grope What He Wants" sung to the tune of "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones
"Rolling in Deep Bulls**t" sung to the tune of "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele
"Trump Will End the World as We Know It (And Feel Fine P*ssy)" sung to the tune of “It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” by R.E.M.
"Blowin' Hot Air" sung to the tune of "Blowin' in the Wind" by Bob Dylan
"AmeriKKKa the Shootiful" sung to the tune of "America the Beautiful" (financed by the NRA and your friendly neighborhood assault weapon dealers)
"Sympathy for the Antichrist" sung to the tune of "Sympathy for the Devil" by the Rolling Stones

Dishonorable Mention:

"Here Comes the Hun" sung to the tune of "Here Comes the Sun" by George Harrison
"Grime is on my Side" sung to the tune of "Time is on my Side" by the Rolling Stones
"Pick Pocket Man" sung to the tune of "Rocket Man" by Elton John (all royalties will benefit victims of Trump U.)
"Short-Fingered People" sung to the tune of "Short People" by Randy Newman
"Tiny Cancer" sung to the tune of "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John
"A Chain is Gonna Come" sung to the tune of "A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke
"Don't Stop Believin' My Bulls**t" sung to the tune of "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey
"We're Not Gonna Take Your Freakin' Equality!" sung to the tune of "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister

Nicholas O'Shaughnesy calls Trump the "Ambassador of the Post-Truth Society." A simpler way to put that may be Liar-in-Chief.

It's embarrassing enough that Trump couldn't get top American stars to perform at his "Deploraball," but he was also turned down by Celine Dion, Andrea Boccelli, Elton John ... even Paul Anka!
Paul Anka and Celine Dion? Canadian. Elton John? English. Andrea Boccelli? Italian. 3 Doors Down? The Rockettes? Ted Nugent? Benji barking Sieg Heil? Keep an eye on the Keystone Klown Kar!
, TAH-DA!, Trump "lands an A-list celebrity" to appear at his inauguration: "notorious pharma bro Martin Shkreli ... the most hated man in America!"―Dartagnan in Daily Kos
Actually, Trump is not short of A-listers, if by "A" we mean major ASSHOLES; hell, he's stocking his cabinet with them as we speak!

Currently rising: Trumpelstiltskin (Joy Behar), Trumpelthinskin, Tweetybird Trump and The Man in the Gilded Tower ... er, make that The Man-Baby in the Gilded Tower because Trump is having temper tantrums and whining and soiling his diaper in public on a daily basis! Also rising: the Organ Grinder because Trump likes to grope genitals and because he prefers trained monkeys to people with independent minds.

Also rising: Captain Outrageous (pun on Captain Courageous), Captain Chaos, Captain Diaperpants, the King of Chaos, the Orange Fire Monkey, the Orange Fire Chicken

George Orwell's novel 1984 is climbing in the bestseller rankings. Orwell got everything right except the year: 2016 (the Chinese year of the Yang, or Red Fire Monkey). Yang is, of course, the active male principle, associated with fire and heat. Trump was elected by the "red" states. And he seems remarkably unevolved, in terms of equality, compassion and a sense of justice ... Hey, is there something to Chinese astrology? ... As millions of women march against Trump, we see Ying opposing Yang, with Trump acting like an orangutan. An article about 2016 being the year of the Fire Monkey predicts: "Monkey business! Hold on to your hats, folks, the circus is about to begin! Monkey sees and Monkey does what is best for Monkey!" The rare Year of the Fire Monkey is associated with chaos, and Trump is the King of Chaos. The last year of the Fire Monkey was 1956, the year of the Cuban Missile Crisis and Suez Canal Crisis. The latter was a pivotal event that marked the demise of British imperial power. (Will Trump's monkeyshines do the same for American power?) A Chinese astrology chart says Trump's "Elements are extremely out of balance ... too much Fire and Earth, with almost no Water or Metal." (Sounds like he'll set the world aflame with no way to put it out!) According to Chinese astrology, Trump was born "in the Male Wooden Horse month of the Male Fire Dog year at Female Earth Snake hour." (A Trojan horse setting fire to the world with hateful venom, perhaps?) Trump was born on a blood moon, as in the biblical moon "turning to blood" before "the great and terrible Day of the LORD." (Armageddon awaits, heralded by the long-prophesied Trump of Doom!) Thierry Chow warns of shocking events because "when fire is atop monkeys they will be swinging around, they will be difficult to predict. A lot of things will be unexpected." ("Shock the Monkey," or will it shock us?) "There are going to be a lot of ups and downs. The monkey is a creature who is tricky and cunning," Cherry Ma said, predicting an economic rollercoaster in the Year of the Fire Monkey. But 2017 will be the year of the Fire Chicken; will Americans fire the Fire Chicken, by impeaching him? (One can only hope!)

Trump's name in Chinese translates as Te Lang Pu (Pooh!), which means "unusual, loud and common." Are the gods trying to tell us something, one wonders?
Rex Tillerson's name in Chinese translates as Di (Die!) Le Sen, which means "stem (kill), coerce, dark." It seems to suit him, as far as I can tell.
Kellyanne Conway's name in Chinese translates as Kang Wei, which means "healthy leather hide." Once again, right on the mark!
Ryan Zinke's name in Chinese translates as Jin Ke, which means "ferry crossing saliva digest." That makes me think of crossing over to Hades on Charon's ferry, on a river of spittle, and being forced to drink it!


During his presidential campaign, Trump promised to "drain the swamp." Newt Gingrich recently nixed the idea, saying it was just a "cute" Tweet. Now Trump is restocking the swamp with his crocodilian donors and political piranha: three Goldman Sachs bigwigs, a founder of the WWE pro "wrestling" circus (who just happened to give Trump millions), Dr. Strangelove generals, and Bozos who want to handcuff or get rid of the EPA, the Department of Energy, and god-only-knows what else. Trump and his cronies have really big—nay, YUGE—ideas: Return to the gold standard! Deregulate the banks so that American taxpayers can bail them out yet again! Get rid of Obamacare and replace it with inexpensive band-aids. If the band-aids don't work and Americans start dying, too bad, they should have been rich like Trump! Everyone will win, win win ... except that the only winners will be Trump and his billionaire bandit buddies.

Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway, the Trump Whisperer, knows how to communicate with Short Attention Span Donald: ""Never command. That could insult him. Always make suggestions, backed with information in 10-second soundbites." Yes, and don't use confusing multi-syllable words like "equality," "justice" and "compassion" either! Troglodyte Trump would just shrug and reply: "Me no understand. Why not Tarzan do what he want? Tarzan heap big President, beat up runts, grope pussy!" And of course the ghost-pale Trump Whisperer would figure out how to make Trump's "plan" sound acceptable to his bamboozled supporters.

Why did Trump appoint the Passionate Psychopath to his cabinet? Trump has described Ben Carson as "passionate" and "pathological," comparing him to a child molester who cannot be trusted or cured. But suddenly the bromance of the former old flames has been reignited. Did Trump lie about Carson's character in order to become president? Or did he tell the truth, meaning that he is stocking his cabinet with the political equivalents of child molesters? In either case, Trump is unfit to be president. But it appears that the Gamester is like the Riddler in one of the old kitschy Batman TV shows: "Riddle me this, riddle me that. Is Ben Carson crazy, or am I the weird cat?" Evidently, Trump will say and do anything to "win," with no regard for the truth.

The Trump Whisperer―the ever-addled-and-flustered Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway―has done her best to "explain" Trump's cabinet picks, but they defy rational explanation. Will he pick Bishop Romney because he looks like a Secretary of State, or will he choose Rudy the Red Hosed Giuliani to co-star in his new reality TV show The Celebrity Presidential Apprentice: Armageddon Awaits?

Currently rising: Donald Drumfkopf, The Gay Grifter, Con Hair (pun on the movie "Con Air" after Trump's comments about Boeing and Air Force One), Hair Force One, Crony Capitalist (Sarah Palin), The American Duterte (Duterte has been called "The Trump of the East"), The Tweet Twit, The Twitter Flitterbug, The Conspiracy Errorist, Puerile Thin-Skinned Crude 70-Year-Old Bombastic Huckster (Joe Klein), Capricious Authoritarian Monarch (Dan Rather), Super Callous Fragile Ego Extra Braggadocious

Also rising: Dudley Do-Wrong, Boss Hogg Trump, KKK-Mart Caesar, Trumpty Dumpty, Prince of Humbug (P. T. Barnum), Gleeful Provocateur (David Von Drehle), The Rust Belt's Revenge (David Von Drehle), The Bait-and-Switch Orange Tufted Snitch, Little Donnie Diaperpants, Donald Sissypants, Sir Sissypants, Sir Pissypanties (Michael R. Burch)

Also rising: The Kingpin:

Schmoozers line up to kiss the ring
of the clownish Kingpin ...
Christie, Romney, Megyn Kelly ...
they bow down and quake like their insides are jelly.
—Michael R. Burch

Also rising: The fraud-U-lent President:

Ronald McDonald Trump-Bozo
has agreed to pay $25 million to settle charges of fraud against his so-called Trump "University." Even the name was a sham and a scam―not to mention illegal due to false advertising. Thus Trump has, for all intents and purposes, admitted that he bilked thousands of students out of their hard-earned money. Many of them charged their credit cards and had to pay extremely high interest rates on top of the fraudulent "tuition" charges. But that is how Trump-Bozo operates, as he unloads his Kooky Klown Kar at the three-ring circus show formerly known as the American presidency. We will undoubtedly see more shams and scams under a Trump administration. Taxpayers had better plan on shelling out to have padded walls installed at the White House, now that the inmates are running the asylum. It sounds like the plot of a Batman movie: the Joker has been elected president and is gleefully playing with the nuclear codes ...

Currently rising: Herr President Trump, Hair Furor Trump, President Trumpenstein, President Twitter-Tweet-Twit, Resident Rump, Resident A$$hole, The Democracy Trumper, The Trumpster, Donald the Insufferable, The Wizard of Ahs, Ignoramus (Paul Krugman), Polezni Durak (Russian for "Useful Fool"), Putin's Useful Fool (ex-CIA director Michael Hayden), Yalta II: the End of NATO (General Wesley Clark), Unwitting Russian Agent (ex-CIA director Michael Morrell), Putin's Puppet, Putin's Poppet, Putin's BBF, Putin's Gambit, Comrade Trumputin, The Kremlin's Klown, Comey's Homie, The Boychurian Candidate, The ISIS Candidate, Vanilla ISIS, Duke Nuke 'Em, Der Groepenfuehrer, Baron Von Muchengropen, Boldfinger, Space Cadet Trump, Tweet Bait (Hillary Rodham Clinton), Twitter Twit, Unstable Cable Mogul, Low-Bar Limbo King, Human Vermin, Butternut Turd (Drew Magary), Largemouth Ass (Samantha Bee), Failed QVC Steak Salesman (Samantha Bee), Thrice-Married Foul-Mouthed Tit Judge (Samantha Bee), Screaming Carrot Demon (Samantha Bee), Melting Hunk of Uninformed Apricot Jello (Samantha Bee), America’s Burst Appendix (Samantha Bee), Crotch-Fondling Slab of Rancid Meatloaf (Samantha Bee), Sixteen-Month Hindenburg Explosion (Samantha Bee), Cassino Mussolini (Samantha Bee), Orange Supremacist (Samantha Bee), Dauphin of Breitbartistan (Samantha Bee), Regurgitated Orange Rind Oozing PussLong Dong Trump, The Trumpinator, Donald Chickenheart

Donald Trump compared himself to Medal of Honor winners, telling them: "I'm brave―financially brave!" No, Donald Chickenheart, welshing on your taxes and bills is not "brave." Trump avoided the Vietnam War by claiming to have "bone spurs," the rich boy's convenient excuse for sending someone poorer to fight and die in his stead. Trump then famously (or infamously) said that John McCain was only a hero because he was captured, while The Donald haughtily prefers heroes who were not captured. Thus, he insulted all American POWs. Trump then insulted a Gold Star family's loss of their son, by saying that he had made a similar "sacrifice" erecting buildings. Since when is a building worth a soldier's life? And of course Trump was making a lot of money from his buildings. Now it turns out that Trump hasn't paid federal taxes in decades, which he bragged makes him "smart." But those taxes pay for the food, clothing, safety and medical care of American soldiers who, unlike Trump, are willing to fight for their country. Is it "smart" or "brave" to let other people fight and die, while a rich, arrogant playboy gropes women's genitals, defrauds students and investors, and refuses to pay vendors and contractors? No, Donald Chickenheart is neither "smart" nor "brave." He is, however, very good at insulting his betters: particularly American soldiers, vets and their families.

Nicknames for the Trumps: The Stepfordians, Fifth Avenue Freeze-Out, Donald and the Douchebags, Hitler's Revenge on the United States  

Titles of upcoming movies and TV shows about the Trumps: Presidential Apprentice, The Brooklyn Hillbullies, Donald Duck Dynasty, Porky and the Pigs, Lifestyles of the Rich and Infamous, The Stepford Wives Deliver the Children of the Corn, Family Feudal, What's My Con Line?, West Wingnuts, Shill Street Blues, Con Hair, Emergency!

New and Rising Trump Nicknames

News flash: The fossil of the strangest dinosaur yet have been discovered, and the bizarre creature has been named after you-know-who. Trumpasoreass Rex was an orange-hued alpha predator with a highly unusual modus operandi. Because its hands were tiny, dainty and of no use in battle, Soreass Rex would whine and whine until its victims slit their own throats! The ghastly beast would then gorge on their carcasses. Now its namesake is doing the same thing to American voters!

Just in time for Halloween, what could be scarier than a man with these nicknames: Trumpenstein, Trumpula, Trumpzilla, The Great Trumpkin, Pumpkin Hitler, Trump Troll, Uncle Fester, Uncle Grope-Fester (Josh Marshall), The Hulking Duke of Darkness (Garrison Keillor), Poor Little Rich Boy (The New Yorker), Human Molotov Cocktail (Michael Moore), Human Hand Grenade (Michael Moore), Grotesquely Decomposing Pumpkin Pulp, Jack-A$$-O-Lantern, Ugly Billionaire Nitwit (Garrison Keillor), The Dangler (Dan Rather), Damien Trump, The Creature from the Black Lampoon (Michael R. Burch), Count Hackula, Count Dreckula, The Posh Wear Wolf, The Dainty-Fingered Dandy, The Grim Groper, The Grimy Reaper, Orange-Tufted Imbecile Intent on Armageddon, The Mountebank (J. Robert Smith), Bizarro Bozo, Cracked Pot, The Orange Blob, King Dong, King Leer, The Shambling Sasquatch (Michael R. Burch), Lurch, Spittle-Mouthed Snarler (Gina Barreca), Orange Amoeba (Ana Navarro), Sith Lord Trump, Super Predator (Van Jones), Orange Click-Gibbon

Here are two new Trump nicknames that may warrant an explanation: Donald Droit du Seigneur and Droit du Donald. In medieval times, droit du seigneur was the "right of a lord" to have sex with a subordinate female. The lord didn't need to obtain the female's consent, nor could her husband or family defend her honor. Now we have learned from his own mouth that Baron Trump fancies that this ancient privilege is his, because he's a "star."

Third presidential debate nicknames: Sweet Little Baby Trump (Alec Baldwin), Libel Bully (American Bar Association), The Big Lummox (Garrison Keillor), Rigger Mortis (Michael R. Burch), Donald de Rigueur (Michael R. Burch), The Bid Rigger, Fat A$$ (Stephen Colbert), Brexit-Plus (Donald Trump), The Swamp Drainer (Kellyanne Conway), The Supreme Sexist (Barbara Res), Poster Boy for Narcissism (Dr. César Chelala), Unhinged Self-Adoring Demagogue (New York Daily News), Wall Choke Artist (Hillary Clinton), Sweaty Upper Lip Sniffer (Ron Fournier), Master of Disaster (CNN), Dangerously Paranoid Child Brain (Chauncey Devaga), Trump the Usurper (J. Robert Smith), Controversy-Addicted Wingnut Trump (John Earls), Loss Leader (Michael R. Burch), The Nasty Woman(izer), Hamster Hairpiece, The Fearful Earful, The Mad Hombre, The Prophet of Mosul, Crackpot (Bernie Shine), Deplorable Donald, Hillary's Punching Bag, Humpty Trumpty

Humpty Trumpty called for a wall.
Humpty Trumpty had a great fall.
Then all the Grand Wizards and Faux PR men
couldn't put Trumpty together again.
—Michael R. Burch

You may not realize it, but Trump is quite the stand-up comedian, either a Master of Irony or The King of Unintentional Comedy:

Trump said “I want to debate Hillary very badly.” And he certainly did, as he struck out three times in a row!
Trump said John McCain was a war hero only because he got caught. Trump, on the other hand, is a brilliant military strategist who cleverly avoided getting caught—by not serving!
A vet gave Trump his Purple Heart, something Trump said he had always wanted and never thought he would get—a functional heart!
Trump's family name was “Drumpf.” Sounds like one of the Seven Dwarfs—and that would explain his teeny-tiny hands and corresponding appendage!
Trump feels entitled to ridicule the handicapped. After all, he has his own physical challenges—he constantly has his foot in his mouth and his head up his ass!
Trump was absolutely correct to have a crying baby removed from one of his rallies—like any good businessman, he needed to eliminate the competition.
Trump has been called ignorant, tasteless, tactless, thin-skinned, fat-headed, immature, narcissistic, racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, vindictive, cowardly, petty, pampered, disingenuous, deceitful, disgusting and dangerous, as well as a bully, a braggart, a bigot, and a bore. That’s so unfair—he’s a boor, but certainly not a bore!

The jokes above were taken from a Bernie Shine collection on Huffington Post.

Oldies but Goodies: Financially Embattled Thousandaire (Gail Collins), Angry Creamsicle, Orange Julius, Captain Chaos, Fearmonger-in-Chief (Rolling Stone)

Other new and rising nicknames: Racist Clementine, Under-Endowed Dick Tater, Double Downer, Rabble Rouser, Republican Rapture Inducer, Thin-Skinned Crybaby, The Predictable Endpoint of Rabid Republicanism, Toxic Fungi (Charles M. Blow)

Republicans sowed intolerance and in its shadow, Trump sprang up like toxic fungi.―Charles M. Blow

Rising after the second debate and Trump's "groping pussy" revelation: Bushman, Bushmaster, Bush Baby Fingers, Boldfinger, Creep Throat, Inside Scoop, Octopussy, Snatch Snatcher, Snatch Snitch, Frisky Frisker, Full Frontal Assault, Pussy Posse, Der Groepenfuehrer, Jack the Gripper, Great White Grope Dope, Serial Feeler, Twat Twit, Alpha Molester, Demander-in-Chief, A$$aulter-in-Chief, Sexual-Predator-in-Chief and Groper-in-Chief

Also rising: Tic-Tac-Dough, Tic-Tac Attack, Rikki Tikki Tacky and Ticky-Tacky Trump ...

Take a Tic Tac and grab them by the pussy is the closest thing to a "plan" Donald Trump has described this entire election!―Samantha Bee

BTW, it's amusing that Rudy Giuliani is now Trump's surrogate, defending him from accusations of sexual assault and other improprieties by scores of women, when in a 2000 "Mayor's Inner Circle" video, Giuliani in drag had his "breasts" schmoozed by The Donald, after which Giuliani slapped his face and called him a "dirty boy." Obviously, Giuliani was well aware of Trump's reputation for grabbing and groping women without bothering to ask for their permission! Trump's outrageous behavior was a running joke among alpha males in his circle. In 1993, fellow bad boy Howard Stern asked Trump directly: “So you treat women with respect?” Trump answered honestly: “No, I can’t say that either.” And hundreds of chauvinistic public statements and tweets by Trump confirm that he doesn't treat women with respect, or minorities, or anyone that he considers "weak" or "overweight" or "unattractive."

Also rising after the second presidential debate: The Surreal Donald Trump, Sniffles, Whiny Wheezer, Hillary's Shadow, Fruit of the Loom, King Leer, Lurch, Trumpenstein, The Shambling Sasquatch, The Abominable Showman, Yellow Yeti, Spongedon Squarenuts, The Mad Shambler, Donnie Darko, Trumpageddon, Trumpocalypse, Orange Prometheus Unchained, Barbarian at the Debate, Paul Ryan's Worst Nightmare Come to Zombie-like Life

Nicknames Given by Donald Trump to Other People

Donald Trump claims that he has an "instinct" for nicknames, but the list below shows a decided lack of wit, intelligence and originality. Trump may be a master of the low-brow insult, but anyone can find a cheap insult and fling it around. Trump's nicknames are as bankrupt as his casinos and his many other failed businesses like Trump University, Trump Vodka, Trump Ice, Trump Steaks, Trump Airlines, Trump Magazine, Trump Mortgage, Trump Network, Trumped!, Trump New Media, Trump on the Ocean, Tour de Trump, the New Jersey Generals and Trump: The Game.

"Gold Diggers" (women in general; on the day of Trump's wedding to Marla Maples, he told Howard Stern that "vagina is expensive" and they laughed about it later on Stern's radio show)
"Real Killers" (smart women in general; according to Trump the smart ones put on an act, pretending to be "feminine and needy," but are in reality "real killers")
"Beautiful Pieces of Ass" (Trump's dates and presumably his wives)
"Nice Tits, No Brains" (Marla Maples, Trump's second wife)
"Grotesque" (Bette Midler)
"Loser" (Cher)
"Bimbo" and "Crazy Megyn" (Megyn Kelly)
"Cunt" and "Shit for Brains" (Jennifer Lin)
"Slob," "Big Fat Pig," "Disgusting Animal," "The Beast," "Disgusting both Inside and Out," "Real Loser," "Dumb," and "My Nice Fat Little Rosie "(Rosie O'Donnell)
"Disgusting" (Elizabeth Beck, after she requested a time-out to pump breast milk for her baby)
"Disgusting" (Hillary Clinton, for taking a "potty break" during a debate)
"Schlonged" (Hillary Clinton, for losing the Democratic presidential election nomination to Barack Obama)
"Dog" and "Unattractive Inside and Out" (Arianna Huffington)
"Face of a Dog" (Gail Collins)
"That Face" (Carly Fiorina, whom Trump said could not be considered for the presidency because of her looks; but what about his, then?)
"Miss Piggy" and "Miss Eating Machine" (Alicia Machado, for gaining weight after winning the Miss Universe contest in 1996; she was a teenager at the time and Trump body-shamed her)
"Miss Housecleaning" (Alicia Machado, presumably because she is Latina and housecleaning is what Latinas are good for, according to The Donald)

Trump's comments about women are disturbing and confirm a long-term pattern of bullying, body-shaming, fat-shaming, face-shaming and verbal abuse. Here's an excerpt from a Slate article:

Before entering politics, Trump criticized Bill Clinton not for mistreating women, but for failing to find hotter mistresses. Trump once called [Paula] Jones a "loser" and said of the [Monica] Lewinsky scandal that "people would have been more forgiving" if Clinton had slept with "a really beautiful woman of sophistication." Trump's message in bringing up Bill's adultery now is the same as the right-wing slogan he retweeted last year: "If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America?" His belief that Bill Clinton's affairs reflect badly on Hillary demonstrates something key to his psyche: For Trump, the only salient distinction when judging a women's worth is whether she is fuckable or unfuckable. The fuckable/unfuckable schema is so deeply rooted in Trump that he can't fully grasp that not everyone shares it. Consider how, the morning after Monday's debate, he defended himself from Clinton's accusation that he'd bullied former Miss Universe Alicia Machado for her weight. Speaking to Fox and Friends by phone, he said, "[S]he gained a massive amount of weight, and it was a real problem." On Wednesday night, speaking to Bill O'Reilly, he continued to paint himself as the victim of Machado's sudden-onset unfuckability, suggesting that he deserves thanks for trying to save her job. "I did that with a number of young ladies," he said. "Look what I get out of it. I get nothing."

If this concerns you, there is more information at Donald Trump's War on Women.

Also rising: Misogynist-in-Chief and Chauvinist-in-Chief, due to Trump's statements such as these made on the Howard Stern show ...

Trump told Howard Stern that it was okay to call his daughter Ivanka a "piece of ass." They discussed the size of her breasts and her "voluptuous" body. 
In a 2002 appearance, Trump called 30 the "perfect age" for a woman. "Until she's 35," a co-host interjected. Trump agreed, calling 35 "check-out time" for wives and girlfriends.
In a 2006 interview, Stern asked Trump if he would "bang" 24-year-olds. "Oh, absolutely," Trump replied, "I'd have no problem."
Stern then asked Trump if he had an age limit. "No, I have no age—I mean, I have age limit. I don't want to be like Congressman Foley, with, you know, 12-year-olds."
Trump was later accused in a lawsuit of raping a 13-year-old girl while she begged him to stop.
Trump told co-host Artie Lang that he had had sex with a threesome of women, estimating their collective weight at 375 pounds.
When asked about threesomes, Trump replied: "Haven't we all? Are we babies?" So according to Trump, only "babies" don't participate in orgies.
In a 1993 appearance, Stern said the difference between Trump and other wealthy men is that he satisfies the women he sleeps with. "And I couldn't care less," Trump replied.
In a 2005 episode, Artie Lang asked: "Give us the first letter of the country [in the Miss Universe contest] you had sex with." "How many letters are there?" Trump asked in return.
Co-host Robin Quivers asked if sleeping with contestants was a conflict of interest. Trump agreed: "But, you know ... you tend to think about the conflict a little bit later on." 
Trump then bragged about "inspecting" the beauty contestants in their dressing rooms, where men were not allowed. This was presumably his "privilege" as the contest owner.
Stern complained that some of the contestants were more educated than "hot." Trump replied: "They had a person who was extremely proud that a number of the women had become doctors, and I wasn't interested."
Stern approved of Trump's approach, saying: "I'd rather have a retarded hot woman than a slob who's a doctor."

How did Donald Trump come to be such a prick (if you'll pardon the pun)? According to Barbara Res, one of his highest-ranking female employees: “He got too famous. He started believing his own shit. He got way too famous and, you know, people were telling him he was great and he was buying that. He started thinking that he walked on water, he really did ... “Now, I don’t think he respects anybody. I don’t think there’s a person alive that he respects, because he thinks he’s God.” We can see this when the know-nothing Trump claims to know more about ISIS than American generals, and when he says that he likes soldiers who weren't captured, when he himself avoided the Vietnam War with a series of deferments, including the ultimate rich boy ploy: "bone spurs." Trump thinks his shit doesn't stink, but in reality he is a Smelly A$$.

Nicknames Given by Donald Trump to Other People (Continued)

Rapists (Mexican immigrants)
Low Energy Jeb (Jeb Bush)
Lyin' Ted (Ted Cruz)
Little Marco (Marco Rubio) ... later clarified by Trump as "Liddle Marco"
Lightweight Choker and Choke Artist (Marco Rubio)
Psychopath (Ben Carson)
1 for 38 Kasich (John Kasich won 1 of 38 states in the Republican presidential primaries)
Crooked Hillary, Lyin' Hillary and Rotten Hillary (Hillary Clinton)
Crazy Bernie (Bernie Sanders)
Goofy, Goofus and Pocahontas (Elizabeth Warren)
Corrupt Kaine (Tim Kaine)
Neurotic Dope, Wacky and Crazy (Maureen Dowd)
Highly Neurotic (Debbie Wasserman Schultz)
Mentally Abused (John Kerry)
Baby (Barack Obama)
Mr. Tough Guy (Joe Biden, after Trump said that he would "love" to fight the 74-year-old vice president)

Trump Hashtags

#DumpTrump #NeverTrump #PantsOnFire #DirtyDonald #KingOfCorruption

All Donald Trump Nicknames A-Z in Roughly Alphabetical Order, with Our Favorites in Bold

70-Year-Old Toddler — Charles M. Blow and Samantha Bee
Agent Orange — Anonymous
Agent of Deranged Change
Alpha Betamax
Alpha Codger
Alpha Groper
Alpha Ignoramus
Alpha Molester
America's Black Mole — John Oliver
America's Burst Appendix — Samantha Bee
Amnesty Don — Joe Scarborough (after Trump said that he was "softening" his stance on illegal immigrants)
The Angry Cheeto
Angry Creamsicle — Stephen Colbert
Antichrist — (see Is Donald Trump the Antichrist?)
Art Deal and Mr. "Art of the Deal" — Donald Trump (taken from the title of his 1987 book, which he considers second only to the Bible)
A$$aulter-in-Chief — (see Donald Trump's War on Women)
Baby Fingers Trump — Michael R. Burch
Bag of Toxic Sludge
Baldfaced Crier
Barbecued Brutus
Barbarian at the Debate — Charles M. Blow
John Baron — Donald Trump (a pseudonym he used to brag about his exploits in the third person)
Barrel-Shouting Meatball Donald Trump — Chris Hardwick
Big Baby — Lewis Black
The Big Cheeto
Big Donald — Marco Rubio (revised to Pig Donald by feminists)
The Bigoted Billionaire
The Bilious Billionaire
Birther Maniac
Bizarro Bozo — Michael R. Burch
Blitzkrieg Bozo — Michael R. Burch
Boiled Ham in a Wig — Jon Stewart
Boldfinger — Michael R. Burch
Boss Tweet
The Bouffant Buffoon — Michael R. Burch
The Boychurian Candidate  — Michael R. Burch (a pun on "The Manchurian Candidate")
Brat-Worst — Michael R. Burch (after Trump called Germans "very, very bad" for selling cars in the United States)
Bribe of Chucky
The Brooklyn Bolshevik ― Michael R. Burch
Bully Boy — Mike Rubio
Bush Baby and Bush Baby Fingers — (see Donald Trump's War on Women)
The Bush Basher
The Bush Beater
Bushman — Michael R. Burch, after Trump bragged about groping bush to Billy Bush of Access Hollywood
The Bushmaster
Butternut Soufflé of Death — Michael R. Burch
Butternut Squash — Trevor Noah
Cancer in a Wig — Trevor Noah
Captain Bluster
Captain Chaos — NBC News
Captain Crunch
Captain Outrageous — Michael R. Burch (a pun on Captain Courageous)
Captain Tantastic
The Chaos Candidate — Jeb Bush
Cheddar Boy
Cheez Doodle — Maureen Dowd
Cheez Whiz — John Oliver
Cheeto-Dusted Bloviator —
Cheeto-in-Chief — Frank Vyan Walton
Cheeto Jesus — Rick Wilson
Chicken Donald — Martin O'Malley
Child Emperor — Tom Scharpling
Cinnamon Hitler — Trevor Noah
Chickenhawk — Because Trump evaded serving in the Vietnam War, but portrays himself as a war hawk ("the most militaristic person on the planet")
Clown Prince of Politics
Comedy Entrapment — Jon Stewart
Comrade Cheetolino
Conspiracy Commander-in-Chief
Con-Dike Gold Rush
Corn Husk Doll Cursed by a Witch Donald Trump — Chris Hardwick
The Cowardly Lyin'
Crybaby Prima Donald
Crybaby Trump — Jeff Kanew
Creep Throat — Seth Meyers
Cultural Punch Line — Tom Scharpling
Daddy Warbucks
The Daft Draft Dodger
Dainty Donald
Damien Trump
Damn Turd Pol — anagram
Dangerous Donald — Hillary Clinton
Darth Hater
Darth taxeVader
The Debate Hater
Decomposing Jack O'Lantern — Jon Stewart
Deeply Disturbed Fuzzy Orange Goofball
The Definer — because according to The Donald, he defines other candidates, after which they quickly become political trivia questions
Dehydrated Orange Peel — Libby Inman
Delicate Donald Diddles-his-pants — Michael R. Burch
Delicate Donald Sissypants — Michael R. Burch
Demander-in-Chief — Michael R. Burch
Der Groepenfuehrer
Der Trumpkopf
Diaper Donald — Kevin Cavanaugh
Dickhead Dongle
Dingbat Donald
Dire Abby — Michael R. Burch (a pun on "Dear Abby" because Trump frequently tweets relationship advice to other people, but it's usually dire)
Dishonest Don
The Disruptor
The Dick Tater
Dodgy Donald — CrumblingSlowly
The Don
Don the Con
Don Dementia
The Donald — Ivana Trump (she first used the term in a 1989 Spy Magazine cover story)
Donald deGonad
Donald the Deadbeat — Dan Rather
Donald Dingbat
Donald Dipshit
Donald Dodo — as in the famously stupid dodo bird
The Donaldmeister
Donald Doom
The Donimator
Donald Douche and the Bags
Donald Drumpf — John Oliver
Donald Duck
Donald Duck Doo-Doo
Donald Ducknuke
Donald Dump
Donald Gonad
Donald the Menace
Donald Tax-Duck — John Joseph Ribovich
Don Goner
Donnie Bratso
Donnie Darko
Donnie Tic Tac
Donny — SNL's Church Lady (Dana Carvey); also his boyhood nickname
Don of Orange
Draft Dodger — Don C. Reed
Draft Dodger Don
Dr. Strangelove
D.U.D. ― Michael R. Burch (for "Dangerously Unhinged" Donald, based on a quote by Glenn "Emotional Fescue" Beck)
D.U.D.LEY DO-WRONG ― Michael R. Burch (an extrapolation of D.U.D.)
Duke Nuke 'Em
Dumbo — Grace Taylor
The Dumpster — Pun on Trumpster and the "Dump Trump" slogan)
Dump Tump — Grace Taylor
Ego Maniac
The Emperor with no Balls — Graffiti found on naked statues of Trump
The Emperor with no Clothes
Evil — Gloria Reed
Itty Bitty Ball Trump
Failed Mail-Order Meat Salesman — Ashley Feinberg, sticking a satiric fork in Trump Steaks
The Fanta Fascist
Fascist Carnival Barker — Martin O'Malley
Fat Blabby — Lewis Black
Fatso Bratso ― Michael R. Burch
Feral Shouting Meatball Donald Trump — Chris Hardwick
Field Marshall Trump
Fifth Avenue Fraud
Fifth Avenue Freeze-Out (for trying to deny disabled vets the right to street vend on Fifth Avenue)
Financially Embattled Thousandaire — Gail Collins
Flat Top — Trump's boyhood nickname
Flip Flopper
The Fomentor — Trevor Noah
The Fomentalist
Forrest Trump
The Fourth Dorkman of the Apocalypse (after George W. Bush, Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann)
Fragile Soul — Ted Cruz
Frisky Frisker — (see Donald Trump's War on Women)
The Frontrunner
Fruit of the Loom — for oddly looming over Hillary Clinton at the second presidential debate
Fuckface von Clownstick — Jon Stewart
The Germinator (Trump hates to shake hands, fearing germs)
Genghis Cant — Michael R. Burch (because unlike Genghis Khan, the Donald can't rule the world, making his promises mere cant)
Gentle Donald — Ted Cruz
The Ginger Genuflector — Michael R. Burch
The Greatest Charlatan (of them all) — Brent Bozell
Golden Calf of Doom
God — Jay Leno
God-Emperor Trump
Godzilla, with Less Foreign Policy Experience — Stephen Colbert
Golden Wrecking Ball — Sarah Palin
The GOP's Unhinged Front-Runner — Robert Schlesinger, managing editor for opinion at U.S. News & World Report
Government Expander — Glen Beck
Gossamer-Skinned Bully — Graydon Carter
Grandpa Fucko — Kyle Bunch
The Grand Wizard of Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory — Murfster35 on DailyKos
Great Orange Hairball of Fear
The Great White Dope
The Great White Dope on a Self-Hanging Rope
Grope Dope
Groper-in-Chief — Nicholas Kristof (see Donald Trump's War on Women)
Halfwit Tweet Twit
Hair Apparent — pun on Heir Apparent
Hair Furor — pun on Herr Führer
Hair Hitler — pun on Herr Hitler
Head Twit
Herr Führer Trump
Herr Lugenpresse Dan Rather
Herr Trump
Hissy-Fit Hitler Elizabeth Harris Burch aka Ladydragyn
The Hissy-Fit Hypocrite
The Human Amplifier
The Human Combover
The Human Corncob — Erin L. Cody
The Human Bullhorn — Jim Newell, in Slate
Human-Toupee Hybrid — Stephen Colbert
Humble — Donald Trump's ironic choice when asked to provide a Secret Service codename
Humble Trump — a nickname given to Donald Trump by his son Eric Trump aka "Eric the Red"
Humble Cow Pie — because he's full of shit about being "humble"
The Hunchback of Notre Shame — Michael R. Burch
Hurricane Donald ― Jeff Singer
Hypocritic Oaf — Michael R. Burch
The im-POTUS
The Inane Interjector
Immigrant-Bashing Carnival Barker — TIME Magazine, quoting presidential candidate Martin O'Malley
In-Vet-Irate Liar (for claiming to "support" vets while trying to sweep them off the streets)
The ISIS Candidate
Jack the Gripper — (see Donald Trump's War on Women)
John Baron and John Barron — Donald Trump pseudonyms
John Boehner's Tanning Partner in Crime — Michael R. Burch
John Miller — Donald Trump (a pseudonym he used to brag about his exploits in the third person)
Job Security (for Comedians) ― Jimmy Kimmel
Kelly's Zero (pun on [Megyn] Kelly's Heroes)
Killer Klown from Outer Space (the title of a "b" movie)
King of Debt
King Leer
King of the Oompa Loompas ― Justin Baragona
King of Sleaze
King of Spin
King of the WhoppersUSA Today, Christmas Day, 2015
King Trump
King Tut — Because his insults make billions of people go "Tut, tut, tut!"
King Twit
K-Mart Caesar
Lady Fingers Trump — Don C. Reed (see Donald Trump's War on Women)
Liberals' Best Friend (since the Trump administration will undoubtedly convert some conservatives into liberals)
Liberal Lip
Liberal Wannabe Strongman — David McIntosh
Little Donnie Sissypants ― Michael R. Burch
Little Donnie Tic Tac
Little Dutch Boy
Long Dong Trump
Loosin' Donald — Ted Cruz
Lord Dampnut — anagram
Lord Voldemort — Rosie O'Donnell
Machado Meltdown — Hillary Clinton
The Mad Shambler
Maladroit Savage Spiraling Out of Control — Charles M. Blow
Man-Baby — Jon Stewart
Mango Mussolini
Master Debater
Meathead — John Joseph Ribovich
Mein Furor — Murfster35 on DailyKos
The Michelangelo of Ballyhoo — TIME by David Von Drehle in his cover article on Trump
Mogul — his Secret Service code name
Moneydiaper McStupid — Nick Musgrave
Mr. "Art of the Deal" — Donald Trump (taken from the title of his 1987 book)
Mr. Brexit — Donald Trump (perhaps because his political currency is about to be devalued?)
Mr. Chickenhawk — Because he's a coward who portrays himself as a war hawk
Mr. Firepants
Mr. Inappropriate
Mr. Boinker Oinker
Mr. Macho — Bernie Sanders (who perhaps gave the lily-livered draft dodger too much credit)
The Man of Steal (made in China) — after Hillary Clinton pointed out that Trump hotels have been built with illegally-imported Chinese steel
Mr. Meticulous — Trump's military academy nickname, given because he folded his underwear into neat squares
Mr. Wiggy Piggy — Michael R. Burch (because he's such a male chauvinist pig, and that hair!)
Mussolini's Taint — Kyle Bunch
Narcissistic Human Airhorn — Chris Hardwick
The New Furor — Pun on Führer)
New York Dork
New York Pork Dork — Michael R. Burch (because Trump's companies have feasted on government subsidies and tax breaks)
No More Donald — Elizabeth Warren, in a tweet
Ole King Coal — Michael R. Burch
The Only Plausible GOP Nominee — Bustle
Orange Anus — Rosie O'Donnell
Orangeback Gorilla — After trying to physically intimidate Hillary Clinton in the second presidential debate
Orange Bozo
Orange Caligula — Victoria
Orange Clown
Orange-Hued Self-Immolator
Orange Julius — A pun on the fruit drink chain (emphasis on fruit) and Julius Caesar
Orange Man
Orange Manatee — Stephen Colbert
The Orange Messiah
Orange Moron
Orange Omen of Doom
Orange Slug — Rosie O'Donnell
Orange Toilet Bowl Crud Brought to Life as a Genital-Grabbing Golem
Orange-Tufted Imbecile Intent on Armageddon
Orange-Tufted A$$hole
The Orange Vomit Zombie (it eats vomit rather than brains)
Panda Hair — Elizabeth Harris Burch
Pander Hair — Elizabeth Harris Burch
Party Pooper
Peripatetic Political Showman — The Fiscal Times
Persimmon Satan — Michael R. Burch
Persimmon Satyr — Michael R. Burch
Persimmon Simon — Michael R. Burch (Persimmon Simon / said to the lie-man / defending the KKK: / I love your sheets / and your racist feats! / We're peas in a pod! Ole!)
Pile of Old Garbage Covered in Vodka Sauce — Trevor Noah
The Puerile Sophomoric Sniveler — Charles M. Blow
Pig Donald — a variation of Big Donald, coined by Marco Rubio then adapted by feminists
Political Gutterball — Michael R. Burch
Poor Donald — Hillary Clinton
Poster Child of American Decline — Robert Spencer
POTUS WRECKS — Michael R. Burch
The Predictable Endpoint of Republicanism — Charles M. Blow
President Gold Man Sucks
Prima Donald
Pudgy McTrumpcake
Puffed Up Daddy
Pussy Posse — (see Donald Trump's War on Women)
Putin's Gambit — Michael R. Burch
Putin's Pet
Putin's Puppet
Putin's Poppet ― Michael R. Burch
Quasi-Dodo ― Michael R. Burch
Queens' Reich — Trump hails from Queens NY, and sounds like the second coming of the Third Reich
Queer Orangutan
Rabble-Rousing Demagogue — John Cassidy in The New Yorker
Republican Rapture Inducer
Riptide of Regression Dan Rather
Rome Burning in Man Form — John Oliver
Ronald McDonald Trump-Bozo — Michael R. Burch
Ryan's Nope
Sack of Gilded Lunchmeat — Kyle Bunch
The Scattershot Autocrat
Screaming Carrot Demon — Samantha Bee
Scrooge Grinch McGrump — Michael R. Burch (first used Christmas Eve, 2015)
Scrooge McTrump
SCROTUS  — So-Called Ruler of the United States, by Elayne Boosler
Semi-Sentient Bag of Farts
Serial Feeler — pun on "serial killer" (see Donald Trump's War on Women)
The Shambling Sasquatch — (after Trump shambled and lurched around the stage in the second presidential debate, as lampooned by SNL)
Silver Spoon Donald — Don C. Reed
The Silver Spoon Scion — Charles M. Blow
Sir Pissypanties ― Michael R. Burch
Sir Sissypants
Snake Oil Salesman — Rosie O'Donnell
Sniffles — After the Donald sniffled like a cocaine addict during the second presidential debate
Sociopathic 70-Year-Old Toddler — Samantha Bee
The Sophomoric Sniveler — Charles M. Blow
Sparkly Princess Trumpelina — Michael R. Burch
The Spin King

The Spinster and The Sinister Spinster — Michael R. Burch
Stubby Baby Fingers Trump — Michael R. Burch
Stuporman — Michael R. Burch (since Trump's superpower is putting people to sleep and making them dream that he has magical superpowers
The Suicide Bummer
The Swamp Draining Lizard-Man-Toddler
The Talking Yam
Tan Dump Lord — anagram
The Tanning Bed Warning Label
Tangello Fruit Roll-Up Stretched Over Cat Litter Donald Trump — Chris Hardwick
Tangerine Jesus
Tangerine-Tinted Trash-Can Fire — Samantha Bee
Tangerine Tornado — SNL's Church Lady (Dana Carvey)
The Teflon Don — Michael R. Burch
Tepid Trumpeter
TelePrompTer Trump — Mark Sumner
Terroristic Man-Toddler — Charles M. Blow
Thin Skinned Orange Peel
Tic-Tac-Dough — Michael R. Burch
The Tic-Tac President
Tic-Tacky Trump
Tie-Coon (because his menswear line includes ties)
Timid Trumpster
The Tiny Fisted Emperor — Murfster35 on DailyKos
Tiny Hands Trump ― Michael R. Burch
Tricky Trump
Tricky Don Trump — After Tricky Dick Nixon
Trumparius — Nate Silver, from "The Age of Trumparius"
Trump Card
The Trumpet — Trump's boyhood nickname
Trump of Doom — Michael R. Burch (first used in a Facebook post on September 11, 2015)
Trumpdozer — TIME Magazine
Trumpelthinskin — Murfster35 on DailyKos
Trumpenstein — Murfster35 on DailyKos
Trumpinator — Soopermexican
Trumpling Dildo
Trumpocalypse — Markos Moulitsas on Daily Kos
Trumptastrophe — Chris McKay
Trump the Grump
Truthophobic Trump — Elizabeth Harris Burch
The Tufted Taliban
Twat Twit — (see Donald Trump's War on Women)
Tweety Blurred — Michael R. Burch
Twitter-Drunk Donald — a Bush aide
Twitter Flitter
Twitter Spitter
The Twitter Terror — Michael R. Burch
Two-Bit Caesar — Bill Kristol
Two Pump Trump — Troy Ramos
UNA (Unrepentant Narcissistic Asshole) — Jon Stewart
The UNA Bomber
"The uniquely underqualified and overblown king of bragging and whining" — The New York Times
Unreality King
Vanilla ISIS — Pun on Vanilla Ice
Venom-Drenched Regurgitated Slimy Orange Hairball
Vet Evictor —  For staging a benefit for veterans after trying to sweep disabled vets from New York City streets for more than a decade
Voldemort ― Rosie O'Donnell
Walking Punchline
Walking Talking Human Combover — Michael R. Burch
Weak Donald — Trevor Noah
The Wedgie from West Palm — Kyle Bunch
The West Wing-Nut — Michael R. Burch
Whiny Don
Whiny Donald
The White Kanye ― Bill Maher
Widdle Donnie Diaperpants ― Michael R. Burch
The Winning Whiner — Donald J. Trump explained how he "wins" by whining in an interview
World's Greatest Troll — FiveThirtyEight Politics
Xenophobic Sweet Potato Donald Trump — Chris Hardwick
The Yacking Yam
YUGE Asshole
Zen Master of Hate

The Best Descriptions of Donald Trump (or at Least the Most Colorful)

Fuckface von Clownstick. — Jon Stewart
The world's greatest troll. — FiveThirtyEight Politics
Peripatetic political showman. — The Fiscal Times
Cheeto-dusted bloviator. —
I am the most fabulous whiner. I do whine, because I want to win. — Donald Trump describing himself on CNN's "New Day" to host Chris Cuomo
John Boehner's tanning partner.
Trump is "the GOP's unhinged front-runner." — Robert Schlesinger, managing editor for opinion at U.S. News & World Report
Trump "has moved from rabble-rousing to demagoguery, or something even uglier." — U.S. News & World Report, quoting a John Cassidy article in The New Yorker
Trump is an "immigrant-bashing carnival barker." — TIME Magazine, quoting presidential candidate Martin O'Malley
Venom-drenched regurgitated slimy orange hairball.
The Great Orange Hairball of Death and Destruction.
Donald Trump is a walking, talking Human Combover sent to earth to seek revenge by Hitler's Moustache. — Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump is the Cowardly Lion's enormous Orange Hairball of Fear brought to life by the Wicked Witch of the West. — Michael R. Burch

Ted Cruz Nicknames

Teddy Bare (see the picture immediately above)
Ted Scruz (after allegations that the "devout Christian family man" had affairs with five women, including a prostitute)
Felito (his full name is Rafael Edward Cruz and Felito means "little Rafael")
Fidelo (Cruz's father supported Fidel Castro and the communists who took over Cuba)
Little Fidelo (ditto)
Castro's Revenge (ditto)
The Cruz Controller and Mr. Cruz Control
Mr. Cruz Missile (because he promised to carpet bomb the Middle East with nukes to see if the sands will "glow" at night)
Duke Nukem (ditto), Dr. Strangelove (ditto), The Mad Carpet Bomber (ditto) and The Dune-a-Bomber (ditto)
The Fireman (after he told little Julie Trant, a three-year-old, that her world was "on fire")
Mr. Pants-on-Fire (ditto), Mr. Firepants (ditto), The Human Torch (ditto), Calgary Flamepants (after the Calgary Flames hockey team; Cruz was born in Calgary, Canada),

Honorable Mention:  Stinky (due to reports of body odor issues), Pepé le Pew (pun on body order and a church pew), Booger, Cudchewer Cruz, Chewbacca, Ted Carnival Cruz and the Creep Cruzettes, Calgary Cruz, Wacko Bird (John McCain), Proud Wacko Bird (Ted Cruz), Creature from the Black Lagoon, Pall Bearer (due to his uncanny resemblance to Paul Bearer, the funeral parlor manager of pro wrestling's Undertaker), The Fourth Dorkman of the Apocalypse (after George W. Bush, Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann), Revenge of the Nerd, El Presidente, Dirty Syrup Gulper (Jon Stewart), McCarthy Jr. (he even looks like Joe McCarthy), Cohiba (a brand of Cuban cigars was Cruz's choice for his Secret Service code name), Holy Cruzader, Tricky Ted Cruz (after Tricky Dick Nixon), The Cruzinator, Ted "Smug Mug" Cruz, Lyin' Ted (Donald Trump), Tailgunner Ted Cruz, Boozin' Ted, The Cuban Mistress Crisis (after allegations that he had affairs with at least five women, including a hooker), Boozin' 'n' Oozin' Cruz, LustTED (a pun on TrustTED), Oinker Boinker, Randy Ted, Casanova Cruz, Pervy Ted Cruz, Cootie Cruz, Rato, Obstructer in Chief

Marco Rubio Nicknames

Top Ten Marco Rubio Nicknames

Marco Starko (see the picture immediately above)
Marco "Dough Boy" Rubio (because he's now a bit chubby and rakes in tons of Republican establishment dough)
No-Show Rubio (*)
AWOL (ditto) and Absent and Unaccounted For (ditto)
The Absentee Ban-Lord (ditto)
Rube and Young Rube
Water Boy
Lightweight Choker and Little Marco (Donald Trump)
Captain Thirsty and Captain Thirstypants
Rubio the Unready

Honorable Mention: Marco Poll-Low, Gator (his choice for a Secret Service code name; oddly this is what George W. Bush called Jeb Bush; how unoriginal!), Marco Mussolini, The Cuban Cherub, The Chubby Cherub, Marco "Weak as a Baby" Rubio (Donald Trump), Narko, Snarko, Sharko, Marco Sharknado, Easy Mark (Donald Trump), Marco "Come On In" Rubio (Donald Trump), The Michael Jordan of Republican Politics (I dunno, this seems like a streeeeetch to me!), Cuban Rube, Young Rube, Qubics Rube, Rolly-Polly Rube, The Chameleon (because he changes political colors so often), The ConSWERVEative (ditto), Mr. Foamy (because he allegedly attended foam parties at gay bars), Stud Muffin (because he was studly but put on weight), Mr. Sound Bite, Mr. Talking Point, Broken Record Rubio, Robot Rubio, Mr. Roboto, Marco Android, The Fox (because he's shifty like a fox, and Fox News obviously favors him as does the Republican establishment and its money), Rupert's Rube (ditto), Party Boy (ditto), Play Dough Boy (ditto)

(*) On an appearance on the NBC’s Today Show, the ever-earnest "No-Show" Marco Rubio said: “No, in fact the majority of the job of being a senator is not walking on to the Senate floor and lifting your finger on a noncontroversial issue and seeing which way you’re going to vote…the majority of the work of a senator is the constituent service to committee work, that continues forward unabated.” But as The Huffington Post pointed out: “Rubio’s point about committee work is a bit odd given his absence from the Senate Foreign Relations full committee and subcommittee on which he serves. According to a Politico review of his record from 2011 to 2014, Rubio missed 52 of 106 hearings on both panels.”

Marco Rubio is not the most conventional conservative alpha male dresser, perhaps. I don't claim to have "gaydar," but really! Do conservative alpha males dress like Marco Rubio? To me the entire metrosexual ensemble screams "gay," from the high-heeled boots to the preppy blue blazer. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, or being gay and running for president, or even being a snazzy if somewhat effete dresser, but doing "all the above" on an anti-gay platform seems positively weird! Keep the gay wardrobe, Marco Rubio, if it suits you, but please drop the anti-gay agenda! You're not fooling anyone, not even us straight arrows, with that outfit!

Marco Rubio was arrested in a Miami park know for gay activity, with a roommate who produced gay porn! On Wednesday, May 23, 1990—five days before Rubio's 19th birthday—a police officer was dispatched to Alice C. Wainwright Park, according to a Miami police report. The park was known for prostitution (gay and straight), drugs and drinking. A full account of what led to Rubio's arrest is not available because the court file has been destroyed, according to Miami-Dade County court clerk's records. According to the police report, Rubio and two other teenagers were arrested. One of them, Angel Barrios, owns several coin-operated laundries in the Miami area. The City of Miami later filed to enjoin Angel Barrios from using his residential property to distribute gay porn. In the case of the City of Miami v. Angela Barrios, Regla Barrios and Barrios Investment Group, "Angel Barrios, et al" were instructed to "cease operations" of a business that "produced pornography for distribution over the internet." The case was abated as a result of a federal lawsuit filed by the owner, Barrios, and his tenant, Flava Works. The City prevailed. Angel Barrios has a LinkedIn profile which lists his coin-operated laundries and the Barrios Investment Group enjoined from distributing porn. is still operational online and is quite clearly a gay porn website. Rubio dedicated an intimate senior yearbook quote to Mr. Barrios and the two shared a townhouse together after graduating from high school. So, in 1990, Marco Rubio was arrested by the police in a parked car, in a dark and secluded park with a reputation as a gay cruising spot, with a young man whom he lived with after high school, and who went on to be involved with a gay pornography studio. What does it add up to? Perhaps nothing provable. But it certainly raises interesting questions.

Top Ten Presidential Nicknames

Honest Abe, The Great Emancipator, The Rail-Splitter (Abraham Lincoln)
Tricky Dick (Richard Nixon)
Martin Van Ruin (Martin Van Buren)
Old Rough and Ready (Zachary Taylor)
The Rough Rider (Teddy Roosevelt)
Old Hickory (Andrew Jackson)
The Gipper, The Great Communicator, Dutch (Ronald Reagan)
The Beast of Buffalo (Grover Cleveland, who allegedly fathered an illegitimate child when he was mayor of Buffalo)
Slick Willy, Bubba (Bill Clinton)
Dubya (George W. Bush)

Honorable Mention: Silent Cal (Calvin Coolidge), Father of His Country (George Washington), American Cincinnatus (George Washington), The Sage of Monticello (Thomas Jefferson), Unconditional Surrender Grant (U. S. Grant), Give 'Em Hell Harry (Harry S. Truman), King of Camelot (John F. Kennedy), No Drama Obama (Barack Obama)

More Political Nicknames

Mike Huckabee nicknames: Huckster Huckabee, Huckleberry Spin, Huckmaster General, Huck Upchuck, Huck Fuckabee, Brother Smother, Tax Hike Mike, Triple Wide, Duck Hunter (his choice for a Secret Service code name)

Chris Christie nicknames: Christie Kreme, The Illsbury Dough-Boy, Cookie Monster, Big Boy (George W. Bush), Pork Chop, Pork Dork, Porky Pine, Porko Vallarta, Don Qui-Hefty, Enormes Pantalones, Boca Rotundo, Dios Meatball, Cinco De Mayonnaise, Lap-Bandito, Chiportly, Gringo Con Carne, Dos Neckis, The Love Gov., Pufferfish, Trueheart (his choice for a Secret Service code name)

Ann Coulter nicknames: AnnThrax, Ann the Man, Coultergeist, Beltway Barbie, Cuckoo Coulter, Tranny Annie, Goebbels with tits, Rush Limbette, Mann Coulter, Chairman Ann, Ann Coltrear, Ann Cunter, That Conservative Female Douche, Jew Perfecter, Man-Hands, Banshee, Wicked Witch of the West, Ann Hitler, Uber Bitchette, I-don't-care-about-the-Jews Barbie, Psycho-bitch, Just plain stupid, Colt 34D (allegedly her bra size, but a man would have to drink a helluva lot of Colts to want to be sure)

Sarah Palin Nicknames: Sarah Barracuda (her high school nickname), Sarahcudda, Caribou Barbie, Half-Baked Alaskan, Moose-o-lini, Weepin' 'n' Wailin' Sarah Palin, The Wasilla Gorilla or Gurlilla or Gurlzilla, The Roughed Rogue, The Original Material Girl (because she provides Stephen Colbert so much comedy materiel), Klondike Kardashian, Klondike Dike, Blunder Woman, Sarah Stoopid, Bible Spice, Whore of Babble-On, Boor of Babble-On, The Wasilla Hillbilly, The Wasillabilly, The Tundra Twit, Sarah Failin', Failin' Palin, Bailin' Palin, Half-Governor, The Moosiah Pit Bull in Lipstick (according to herself), Ramboner, Rambette, Trumpette, Saint Sarah of Wasilla, Sarah Pipeline, Sarah Punchline, Vampy, The Killa from Wasilla, The Quitter from Wasilla, Money Boo-Boo, Sarah Shakes-Spear (because she is so warlike and compared herself to Shakespeare when she coined a new word, "refudiate"), Sarah Crosshairs, Sarah Triggerfinger, Mama Grizzly, Palin-Drone, Chick Cheney, Sarah Stalin, Snark Shark, Moose MILF, The Alaska Disasta, Snowjob Squareglasses, Post Turtle, McCain's Bane, FrankenPalin, Northern Overexposure, Nightmayor, Miss Iquitarod, Irate Ingrate, Miss Wonker Bonker, Sarah Scareya, Lady Gagya, Sarah Sarin, Tri-Sarah-Tops, Sarah Snowgrifter, Sarah Snowjob

Donald Trump Follower Nicknames

Hemorrhoidal Has-Beens — Samantha Bee
The Branch Trumpidians
The StormTrumpers
Trump Chumps
The Motley Crew
The Chosen Eew!

Donald Trump Debate Nicknames (continued)

Here are the top ten new nicknames for Donald Trump after he ran home sobbing from the first Republican debate, afraid to answer tough questions by Megyn Kelly:

Prima Donald
The Vet Evictor (for staging a benefit for veterans after trying to sweep disabled vets from New York City streets for more than a decade)
Timid Trumpster and The Dainty Donald
Crybaby Prima Donald
Kelly's Zero (pun on Kelly's Heroes)
Donald deGonad
Master Debater
The Debate Hater
Little Donnie Sissypants
Vanilla Isis and The Orange-Tufted Taliban

Dishonorable Mention: Baldfaced Crier, Tepid Trumpeter, Trumpling Dildo

Related pages: The Best Donald Trump Puns, The Best Donald Trump Insults, Donald Trump Curtsy or Bow?, Is there a Republican War on Women?, The Donald Trump Bible or The Gospel According to Trump, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Conservatives Who Support Gay Marriage, Ten Reasons to "Fire" Donald Trump, Ted Cruz Quotes, Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast, Marco Rubio Nicknames, Is Donald Trump the Antichrist?, Donald Trump Violence Quotes, Trump Trivia, Donald Trump in his Own Words: Fact-Checking Trump, Donald Trump Funny Campaign Slogans and Parodies, Donald Trump Halloween Ideas, Donald Trump Poetry, Donald Trump Nicknames for his Cabinet, Family, Friends, Associates and Supporters, Donald Trump Inauguration Poetry 2016 Republican First Presidential Debate: Winners, Losers and Impressions,

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