Jeff Sessions Nicknames: Granny, Shocked Grandma, Evil Snoats, Buford T. Injustice, Gollum, The Hobbit, The Keebler Elf, Detourney General ...
This page contains the best Jeff Sessions nicknames that I have been able to find, and some that I came up with myself, plus some interesting Jeff Sessions quotes ...
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U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions has been accused of racism, of calling the KKK "okay," of endorsing Donald Trump's nonsensical wall, of being Amnesty's Worst Enemy by opposing legal immigration, of voting to allow torture, of denying the impact of carbon dioxide on the earth's climate (it's just "plant food"), of saying that Trump grabbing women's genitals was not sexual assault, etc. Where did Squirrely Sessions' nutty ideas originate? Well, this Wall Nut apparently didn't fall too far from the family tree. Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III (such a big name for such a small-minded man!) is named after Confederate president Jefferson Davis on his father's side, and on his mother's side after P. G. T. Beauregard, the general who commanded the bombardment of Fort Sumter that started the Civil War! For commanding the war's first shots to be fired, General Beauregard was called the "South's First Paladin." His full name was Pierre Gustave Toutant Beauregard; French was his first language (he didn't speak English until age twelve); and he was nicknamed the Little Napoleon, the Little Creole and the Hero of Fort Sumter. His wife's name was also princely (or princessly): Marie Antoinette Laure Villeré. Let black people eat cake, we can imagine her saying! After his initial success, Beauregard was blamed for turning victory at Shiloh into defeat and was later accused of "grandiose" plans to invade the North. By war's end this Little Napoleon had become a sad figure who sat on the sidelines ... like his descendent, Little Naptime Sessions! The undersized general did, however, go onto truly great things by running the Louisiana lottery! But can we expect anything so grand from Possum Boy?
Separated at birth? Here is incontrovertible evidence that Jeff "Granny" Sessions is the identical twin of another notorious scold ... Granny Clampett!
When Trump fired his favorite Whipping Boy, he accused Sessions of being a Non-Attorney-General and an Unprofitable Prophet because Sessions was unable to accurately predict that he would recuse himself!
We called Jeff Sessions' replacement, Matt Whitaker, Shit-Taker and Welcome Matt because we knew Trump would walk all over him. As we predicted, Witless Whitaker didn't last long at the Department of Injustice. He was replaced by William Barr, who became Trump's third Detourney General. Trump's favorite Barr Tender will serve him rounds of chilled Mueller Lite.
The Top Ten Jeff Sessions Nicknames
Shocked Grandma (Stephen Colbert "alter ego")
The Washington Hillbully
Possum Boy and Half-Possum (SNL's Kate McKinnon)
Benjamin Button (Donald Trump, per Omarosa Manigault Newman)
Buford T. Injustice
The Blight Supremacist
The Hobbit (Trevor Noah)
Racist Dobby (Stephen Colbert "alter ego")
Mr. Magoo (Donald Trump)
Bill Dough Baggins (Michael R. Burch)
Shill Dough Baggins (Michael R. Burch)
Shrill Bro' Baggins (Michael R. Burch)
The Forest Gnome (Stephen Colbert)
The Keebler Elf and The Feebler Elf
The Gerber Gerbil Boy-Elf
Darth Leprechaun (Michael R. Burch)
Cloverleaf Pixie watching people have sex (Stephen Colbert "alter ego")
Albino Smurf (Stephen Colbert "alter ego")
Shirknado (Michael R. Burch)
The Orphan Maker
Zero Tolerance Sessions
Zero Humanity Sessions
Kangaroo Court Sessions
Stressin' Sessions (Elizabeth Harris Burch)
Jefferson "No Regard" Sessions (his full name is Jefferson Beauregard Sessions)
Nervous Tick (Conan O'Brien)
Panicky Pete (Trump attorney John Dowd claimed that Sessions "panicked" when he recused himself)
Nuts (Donald Trump)
The Wall Nut (this nut didn't fall too far from the racist family tree)
The Little Mouse (Vicente Fox)
Sneaky Little Liar (SNL)
Double Donged Piggy (SNL)
Dishonorable Mention: BuyFocal (he buys all sides of Trump's lies), Amnesty's Nastiest Enemy (Michael R. Burch), The eRacist (Sessions would apparently be happy to "erase" people of other races), Trump's Dog Whistle, Mutt and Jeff, Nutt and Jeff, Snappy, Snappy the Rat Terrier, Pavlov's Dog, Putin's Dog, Putin's Lapdog, Putin's Poodle, Nutty, Nutjob, Nut Boy, Snappy McSquirrely, Snappy McRacistPants, The Shrew, Trump's Attack Hamster of Death, General Disaster, General Nincompoop , The Demotee , Soon-to-be Private Sessions, Trump's Whipping Boy, Flighty Mouse, Smitey Mouse, Russian Red Sessions, Rushin' Sessions, Retard Sessions, Recess Sessions, Disjointed Sessions, Show No Regard Sessions, Shirknerddough, The Mal-Lingerer, Alabama Roadkill, Death Warmed Over, reSessional, Taps, Elfin Punching Bag, The Boss Baby, The Bossed Baby, Mr. Potato Head, The D.C. Hobbit, Disgraceful (Donald Trump), The Un-Civil Warrior, Forest Grump, The KKKeebler Elf, Little Napoleon, The Little Degenerate, Sissy Sessions, The Feral Ferret, Trump's Stink Ferret, The Wonky Weasel, Willy Wonket, Sgt. Schultz ("I know nutthink!"), Perjurer General, General Beau-Beau (rhymes with "Dodo" like the bird), Sourpuss Sessions
Department of Injustice Nicknames
Trump called Jeff Sessions "Mr. Magoo" and Rod Rosenstein "Mr. Peepers" because they were too shortsighted to see their way to actual justice, which would of course have meant prosecuting their boss for high crimes and treason. But that would make Matt Whitaker "Homer" for being totally blind and creating myths.
Jeff Sessions Nicknames: Mr. Magoo, Detourney General, Roundabout Bubba
Rod Rosenstein Nicknames: Mr. Peepers, Rushin' Rod (Michael R. Burch), Hosenstein (Michael R. Burch)
Dana J. Boente: Deputy Dawg, Trump's Lapdog, Barney Fife, Goober, The Decoy
Matt Whitaker Nicknames: The Tool, The Suck-Up, (DOJ attorneys), The Succubus, F*cking Fool (DOJ attorneys), Homer Wimpson (Michael R. Burch), Gomer Pile-On, Shit Taker (Michael R. Burch), Welcome Matt (Michael R. Burch), Matt Overwhelmed (pun on Matt Helm), The Unvetted Attorney General, The Pits Bull, Deputy Dawg, Trump's Lapdog
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