The Best Donald Trump Russia Jokes: Russiagate, Kremlingate, Putingate, Comeygate, etc.
The Best Donald Trump Putin Jokes
Q: What do you call it when a Man-Baby takes over the American government?
A: Coup d'Tot.
Here are the best Donald Trump jokes about Russia, Putin, Kremlin-Gate, Moscow-Gate, Comey-Gate, Oligarch-Gate, Hate-Gate, etc., by comedians like Samantha Bee, Lewis Black, Louis C.K., Michael Che, Stephen Colbert, James Corden, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson, Will Ferrell, Jimmy Kimmel, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Bill Maher, Seth Meyers, Trevor Noah, Conan O'Brien, John Oliver, Chris Rock, Amy Shumer, Sarah Silverman and Jon Stewart. We also have quips, quotes, puns, poems, limericks, tweets, memes, nicknames, hashtags, coinages, campaign slogans, etc.
Nuclear cannonball! Donald "Trump of Doom" enters the American political waters ... but can he really walk on water or will he belly-flop the world into oblivion?
Putin' It All Together: the Best Jokes about Trump, Russia, Putin and the Oligarchs
Hillary Clinton pointed out that no living president has endorsed Donald Trump. Nice try, Hillary, but it just so happens that Vladimir Putin is living!―Seth Meyers
Trump is leery of teleprompters because they can be difficult to follow and "I'm sure it's even harder when you're translating from the original Russian."―Hillary Clinton
It is unfair to criticize Trump for massacring the English language! After all, English only his third language. He's fluent in Russian and Bullshit.
A perv, a megalomaniacal fascist, a Russian spy and a con artist enter a bar together. The bartender looks up and asks, "What'll it be, President Trump?"
Trump has "many stats." But the only ones he believes are Putin's.
Putin now has an American president who does back flips on command.—Rachel Maddow
Forget collusion, I want to know if there’s penetration!―Bill Maher
Q: What do you call it when the Kremlin, Trump Tower and white nationalists unite?
A: Putin' on the Ritz Cracker.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Six Russian diplomats have died recently and they all appeared in Trump's MI6 dossier. While Trump is puttin' on the Ritz, is the KGB Putin on the Hitz?
If so, why? Here are two possible answers ...
The KGB is rolling up its Trump operations cell.―Ammo Hauler
Mr. Putin has decided that there must be no loose ends that might endanger the reign of his puppet, Comrade Trumputin!
Trump was being questioned about collusion with Russia. A reporter asked him point-blank: "Have you or any members of your inner circle ever knowingly communicated with Russian intelligence agents?" Trump's face flushed crimson with rage. It took him nearly a minute to regain enough composure to speak. Then he screamed: "Read my lips ... NYET!"―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-Un start a nuclear war and die at the same time. They are greeted at the gates of hell by the Devil, who explains that they can make one final call, but such calls may be VERY expensive. Since they're rich and can't take it with them, all three agree. Putin calls Russia and talks for five minutes; the charge is one million dollars. Jong-Un calls North Korea and talks for ten minutes; the cost is two million dollars. Trump calls his family and talks bigly for hours, but the cost is only five bucks. A seething Putin demands to know why Trump got off so cheap. The Devil replies: "Since he took over, the US has gone to hell, so it's a local call!"
To see how Trump fulfills Biblical prophecies, please click the hyperlink.
Trump is putting the X back in Xmas by X-ing out refugee children and their mothers. If baby Jesus and Mary showed up needing shelter, Trump wouldn't provide them with even a lowly manger. Instead, he'd order American soldiers to drive them back into the wilderness at gunpoint. Meanwhile, this is what the satanic festivities at the White House looked like last year: Trump Christmas.
It's come out that President Trump asked two intelligence chiefs to push back against the Russia probe. Trump also asked them to make Melania hold his freakin' hand!―Conan O'Brien
Today Trump said he believes in torturing prisoners. Which is bad news for Melania.―Jimmy Kimmel
President Trump today called the appointment of a special counsel to investigate his campaign's ties to Russia "the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history." Though it didn't help his case much when he flew away on a broom.―Seth Meyers
Straight from the ass's mouth: Russian politician Vyacheslav Nikonov, a member of the Duma (ruling assembly), said on live TV that U.S. intelligence "missed it when Russian intelligence stole the presidency of the United States."
President Trump said today that he never mentioned the word "Israel" as the source of intelligence about ISIS during a meeting with Russian officials. Dude, nobody said you did. That's like if your wife said, "Are you having an affair?" And you said, "I am not sleeping with Jenna!"―Seth Meyers
"Meanwhile, Trump started tweeting again. Today he criticized the Russia investigation, saying, "This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history." Then one guy was like, "Do you still want to see my birth certificate?"―Jimmy Fallon
Government officials confirmed this afternoon that a person of interest in the FBI's Russia investigation is Trump's son-in-law, Jared Kushner. This comes at a bad time, because the Trump administration has just released its budget. Now they must be like, "Oh, we forgot to set aside bail money."―James Corden
Today, the former head of the CIA told investigators that the Russians “brazenly interfered” with our election and actively contacted members of the Trump administration. And according to The Washington Post, the president asked two top intelligence officials to publicly deny evidence of collusion, and also asked them to find ways to get FBI Director James Comey to drop his investigation. Just like an innocent person would do.―Jimmy Kimmel
If Trump is going to have any chance of winning in 2020, Russian hackers are going to have to work overtime.—Senator Eric Swalwell
The House Intelligence Committee is reportedly launching an "M.R.I." of the president’s Russian financing. It may be more like a colonoscopy.―Vanity Fair
This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a$$hole!―Lewis Black
Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he's sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that!―David Letterman
Fact really is stranger than fiction. Morgan, Lewis & Bockius―the law firm advising Trump on handling his business conflicts―was named Russia's Law Firm of the Year in 2016!
If Trump isn't actually a Russian agent, he's doing a pretty good imitation of one.—Max Boot
For Trump, all roads lead to Russia.—Jackie Speier
The White House reported that Trump is the victim of "malicious leaks." Apparently, Russian hookers have been peeing on him again.―Michael R. Burch
Is Trump really Putin's Puppet or is The Donald his own man-baby?―Michael R. Burch
Why is Trump spending so much time on the golf course? It's part of his job. He's practicing to be Mr. Putin's caddy and water boy.
Looking into money laundering around Trump is like investigating moisture in the middle of the ocean. — Mark Sumner
You’d be swamped with generalized wrath, too, if Congress and special counsel Robert Mueller were slithering through your prodigious paper trail as they are Trump’s.―Jack Shafer's "Swamp Diary"
"Well, ladies and gentlemen, I've got good news and bad news. First the bad news: The Washington Post reports that Trump revealed highly classified information to the Russian foreign minister and ambassador. Now the good news: Trump found the leaker."―Stephen Colbert
Trump telling the truth under oath would be as improbable as Moses parting the Red Sea, and would also require Divine Intervention.―Michael R. Burch
Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper: the Boychurian Candidate and First Man-Baby President
Tiny Hands Trump uses the world's smallest pen and desk to sign his latest dictatorial proclamations. The women pictured are nannies trying to persuade Bratman to take a nap and stop bullying the world, but Man-Baby Trump will have none of that! The antsy Combover Kid believes in ACTION, but hopefully his fingers are still too tiny, weak and delicate to key in the nuclear codes ...
Trump's nannies applaud as the Boychurian Candidate learns to operate a pen with his teeny-tiny fingers. Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper is certainly proud of his "big boy" accomplishment. But so far no one has been able to potty-train his mouth (or his Twitter account)!
There's a new reality show about the Trump presidency: The Boss Baby. Now showing at a theater near you!
Trump tweeted that Obama put a "tapp" on his phones. I think the Testy Toddler needs a ppat on the back and a good burpp, then a nice long napp.―Michael R. Burch
The Constitution does not allow 13-year-olds to become president and now we can see why. — Garrison Keillor
Trump supporters voted for change, and boy, are they going to get it! — Garrison Keillor, who calls Trump the "boy president"
When asked about the firing of James Comey, the Terrible Tyke paused, sucked his pacifier, adjusted his nappy, then blabbered: "Easy comey, easy goey!"―Michael R. Burch
Have no fear, Acting President Jared Kushner is here! Headmaster Kushner makes all major decisions while Truant Trump tweets, pouts, preens and cheats at putt-putt golf.
Trump is coming out with a sequel to The Art of the Deal. His new book is The Art of the Squeal. Turns out he's not a master dealmaker, after all, just a whiny brat.
Only in America could a man whose staff took away his Twitter account be given the nuclear codes.―Graydon Carter
Q: What does Trump say when he looks in the mirror?
A: Pardon me!
Reince Priebus said that he felt "blessed" to serve the Antichrist, er Donald Trump.
These are clearly the end times, and now we understand why the prophets warned us about the Trump of Doom.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast? This is no joke, because the most expensive single building ever sold in the United States was purchased by the Trump family, at 666 Fifth Avenue, a street that symbolizes money (Mammon). The price was $1.8 billion, which is three more sixes. Another Trump tower at One Journal Square will be 666 feet high with a price tag of $666 million. And still that is just the tip of the 666 iceberg. The founder of the original Trump company died on 6-6-6 and her maiden name may shock you: Elizabeth Christ. You can click the hyperlink to learn more (no annoying ads or requests for money; this is a public service). Yes, it does sound like the plot of a new OMEN movie, but in this case fact really is stranger than fiction. Ironically, evangelical Christian leaders are now lining up to endorse Trump. Have the very elect been deceived, just as the Hebrew prophets predicted thousands of years ago when they warned us to listen for the Trump of Doom? The Antichrist has been prophesied to be a sort of "reverse twin" of Jesus Christ, as if Lucifer became flesh and sought to become the Savior of the world. And Trump has certainly been proclaiming himself as the only possible Savior. For instance, at a campaign rally in Kiawah Island, S.C., the egomaniacal Trump made it clear that he, not God Almighty, is the only possible defender of Christians. Discussing ISIS, Trump said, "Their primary goal is to get to the Vatican. If and when the Vatican is attacked, the pope would only wish and have prayed that Donald Trump would have been elected president." In other words, it is useless for people of faith to pray to God for protection. Christians should pray for Trump to save them. After a terrorist attack in Pakistan on Easter Sunday, Trump tweeted: "Another radical Islamic attack, this time in Pakistan, targeting Christian women & children. At least 67 dead, 400 injured. I alone can solve." No compassion, no condolences, just Trump bragging on Trump. And what arrogance! Who but the Antichrist would claim to be the only possible savior of Christians? Who but the Antichrist would claim to be a Christian while denying the need to ask God for forgiveness? Who but the Antichrist would denigrate Holy Communion by reducing it to a "little cracker" and a "little wine," when these represent the sacred body and blood of Jesus Christ to real Christian believers?
Steve Bannon has likened himself to the force of darkness from Star Wars: "Darkness is good," he told the Reporter. "Dick Cheney. Darth Vader. Satan. That's power." According to Bannon's longtime writing partner, Julia Jones: "Steve is a strong militarist, he's in love with war—it's almost poetry to him." Jones was speaking to The Daily Beast in an interview last year, well before Trump won the election and Bannon landed his new job. "He's studied it down through the ages, from Greece, through Rome ... every battle, every war … Never back down, never apologize, never show weakness … He lives in a world where it's always high noon at the O.K. Corral." In one of the scariest Bannon quotes that I have seen, he stated confidently that there was "no doubt" the United States would go to war with China over tiny islands in the South China Sea! In a March 2016 interview Bannon said: "We're going to war in the South China Sea in five to ten years. There's no doubt about that. They're taking their sandbars and making basically stationary aircraft carriers and putting missiles on those. They come here to the United States in front of our face–and you understand how important face is–and say it's an ancient territorial sea." The idea that we would fight a war over tiny islands in order to save "face" sounds crazy, but such "face saving" was the reason Nixon and Kissinger refused to pull American troops out of Vietnam until the bitter end. How many people on both sides died to "save face" in the Vietnam War, one wonders? How many will die in the next "face saving" war?
Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation.―Conan O'Brien
Republicans sowed intolerance and in its shadow, Trump sprang up like toxic fungi.―Charles M. Blow
Are Republicans hypocrites? Do they tell their children to stand up to bullies, then like cowards refuse to stand up to Trump, the Ultimate Bully?―Michael R. Burch
The Second Coming of Hitler?
Prominent conservatives like David Koch have compared Trump's plans to ban, deport and register Muslims en masse to Hitler's fascist methods. Koch said: "We'll have them all register? That's reminiscent of Nazi Germany. I mean, that's monstrous." Is Hair Hitler the second coming of Herr Hitler?
Hitler claimed that he alone could make German great again; Trump claims that he alone can make America great again.
Hitler was a media pioneer, using radio broadcasts to delude the gullible masses; Trump uses Twitter, the Internet and TV.
Hitler used an airplane to fly around Germany, drumming up support for his insanity; Trump has a private jet.
Hitler's "base" was German white supremacists; Trump's "base" is American white supremacists.
Hitler scapegoated, banned and deported Jews, just as Trump plans to scapegoat, ban and deport Muslims and Hispanics.
Hitler's initial "solution" for the Jewish immigrants was giant internment/concentration camps; Trump's initial "solution" for Hispanic immigrants would also require giant interment/concentration camps.
Hitler's initial "solution" to the "Jewish problem" didn't work, nor will Trump's. Will Trump's "final solution" be the same as Hitler's? Trump has already advocated killing ("taking out") Muslim women and children.
Hitler was extremely militaristic; Trump has called himself the most militaristic person on the planet.
Hitler had a titanic ego and thought he was invincible; ditto for Trump.
Hitler had his brownshirts beat up protestors; Trump has protestors thrown out and physically manhandled. Like Hitler, Trump has no use for free speech or diversity, demanding blind obedience and conformity.
Hitler had the world's oddest moustache; Trump has the world's weirdest combover.
Trump's Russian Swamp
When Trump promised that he would "drain the swamp," he forgot to mention than he would immediately restock it with cold-blooded Russian krokodils.
Welcome to Trumpistan. Trump is draining the swamp of tadpoles and filling it with Gila monsters.―Graydon Carter
Trump's plan to "crack down" on Wall Street is to move Wall Street into the White House.―Trevor Noah, after Trump hired yet another Goldman Sachs hedge fund manager
Yes, if you can't drain the swamp, why not bring the crocodiles into your living room and let them work on their death rolls? How entertaining!
Featured Jokes (and Painful Observations)
First, Richard Nixon insisted, "I am not a crook!" Now Donald Trump keeps insisting, "I am not a Russian spy, codenamed Comrade Trumputin!" — Michael R. Burch
Why is Trump alienating our allies while cozying up to Mr. Putin? Why did Hitler have bromances with Mussolini and Stalin? Fascists of a feather flock together.―Michael R. Burch
Trump's real game plan has now been revealed: to make Russia great again, while making America grate again, with hatred, intolerance and violence.
Americans keep mishearing Trump. He didn't say that he would be "hard on" Russia and China. He said that he has a "hard on" for Russia and China. — Michael R. Burch #TrumpHardonChina
Russia had Peter the Great. Germany had Frederick the Great. But Americans have been shortchanged, because our first dictator is Donald the Ingrate!
A new poll reveals that 61% of Americans think Trump is dishonest. In related news, scientists just discovered that 39% of Americans are deaf, blind and really, really dumb. — Michael R. Burch
Russia is certainly Putin' on the Ritz, as vodka glasses tinkle celebrations in the Kremlin! It is certainly much easier (and far less expensive) to destroy the United States from within, than to face its formidable military! Donald Trump (aka Comrade Trumputin) has wildly exceeded all expectations. Even Mr. Putin never dreamed that the Brooklyn Bolshevik could bring down the once-mighty USA this quickly!
Donald Trump crowned Vladimir Putin's girlfriend Miss Universe in 2002. What are the odds? Was it payback for loads of dirty laundry washed clean by Putin's rubles?
Trump whitens and brightens his money the old-fashioned way. He launders it.―Michael R. Burch
News Flashes
NEWS FLASH: The Mandarin Candidate briefly interrupted his 17-day Bedminster golf vacation to fan the flames of the Apocalypse into a raging inferno: "North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States! They will be met with fire, fury and frankly power the likes of which this world has never seen before!" So forget the horrors of WWII, the Holocaust and Hiroshima. That was child's play compared to the power Terminator Trump will unleash on the world, if North Korea emulates the U.S. by issuing threats! But there is one thing the Fourth Dorkman of the Apocalypse wants to make perfectly clear to everyone: he absolutely will not let destroying the world interfere with his golf game!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
NEWS CRASH: We can now confirm that Trump is an extremely rare example of the Orange-Tufted Ostrich, the only creature known to spout death-inviting nonsense then bury its head up its own ass to avoid reality. In January, Twitler twittered "It won't happen!" in regard to North Korea developing nukes that can reach the United States. Tweetle-Dumb's head has been firmly up his ass ever since. A few months later, Harry Kazianis, director of defense studies at the Center for the National Interest, announced: "Today is the day that we can definitely say North Korea is a nuclear power. There is no more time to stick our heads in the sand and think we have months or years to confront this challenge." But at last report, Uncle Ream US was still refusing to budge. King Leer's voice was faintly heard, however, muttering something about fire, fury and horrors worse than Hiroshima and Nagasaki.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
NEWS HALF-FULL GLASS: There has been a reprieve, of sorts. While mADD Max is still dedicated to the proposition of destroying the world, he has been so busy playing golf and preening for cameras that he hasn't had time to do the finger-strengthening exercises necessary for his underdeveloped digits to key in the nuclear codes! So we may have a few more hours, or perhaps even days, before the nukes start flying. But please don't get your hopes up. Trump has the biggest and best golf courses, the biggest and best nukes, and he will certainly deliver the biggest and best possible Apocalypse! The Firestarter even informed Gaum's governor that tourism will increase "tenfold" after he's done his thing, perhaps thinking of tourists gawking at the Bikini Atoll. Lots of money to be made, true!, but sixty years later nothing can live there.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
NEWS SPLASH: Call him the Cuck of the Walk. A giant inflatable chicken with a golden 'do was placed outside the White House "to criticize the president as a weak and ineffective leader," according to Taran Singh Brar, the director of the documentary film Chicken Don. "He's too afraid to release his tax returns, too afraid to stand up to Vladimir Putin, and now he's playing chicken with North Korea!" Alas, Trump was not able to see his uncanny likeness in person, being in the middle of yet another extended golf vacation. The Caddy Hack did, however, take a quick break between mulligans to berate the Senate for not working! As for nicknames, we tend to favor Chicken Little, since Trump is constantly wailing that the sky is falling.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
NEWS SLASH: The Wrath of Con adamantly refuses to rule out the "military option" on North Korea, Venezuela, Liechtenstein, Bouvet, Nauru, Timbuktu, Mitch McConnell, Rosie O'Donnell, Megyn Kelly and Arianna Huffington.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
As everyone knows (because he keeps reminding us), Trump only hires the very best people: for example, Mike "Dr. Strangelove" Flynn, Sean "Scary" Spicer, Reince "and Flush" Priebus and, of course, the Mooch. But really folks: is it Trump's fault that the very best people turn into human lemons as soon as they start working under him?
Trump fired James Comey for being too hard on Hillary Clinton. Now he wants to fire Jeff Sessions for not being hard enough on her! It's like someone gave Viagra to Pinocchio and it went straight to his nose!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I have complete power to pardon myself for treason!―Donald Trump
Let me be perfectly clear: I did not collude with Russia. Like Sgt. Schultz, I know nutthink!―Jared Kushner
"I am eager to share any disinformation I have with investigating bodies!―Jared "Eager Beaver" Kushner (BTW, investigating bodies is his father-in-law's favorite pastime!)
Kremlingate aka Russiagate, Trumpgate and Comeygate
G.O.P. now stands for "Government of Putin" and it is clearly of Putin, by Putin and for Putin.―Michael R. Burch
"Give 'Em Hell" Harry S. Truman said, "The buck stops here." One the other hand, Donald Drumpf said, "The ruble starts here!"
"Russians make up a pretty disproportionate cross-section of a lot of our assets," Donald Trump Jr. told a real estate conference in 2008, "We see a lot of money pouring in from Russia." In 2014, when golf writer James Dodson asked Eric Trump how his father could finance golf courses when American banks were declining to lend money against such assets, he answered: "We don't rely on American banks. We have all the funding we need out of Russia." So when Trump Sr. claims to have "no dealings" with Russia, he is obviously lying. And Trump Jr. made the purpose of his treasonous Trump Tower meeting with Russian agents crystal-clear when he informed Jared Kushner and Paul Manafort about the covert operation in an email with the subject heading: "Russia―Clinton―private and confidential." Folks, it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes or IBM's Watson to figure this one out!
There will be no single smoking gun that will bring down this White House. It will be death by firing squad—or perhaps a sequence of firing squads—as the whole story inexorably pours out of the administration's smoldering ruins.―Frank Rich
In this sad but predictable tale, the GOP is the Titanic, while the Trump-Kushner gang is the iceberg that everyone can see but cannot possibly avoid. The difference is that Republicans will apparently give no thought to saving American women and children first, and will act merely for self-preservations, like rats abandoning a sinking vessel.
First, the good news: We have discovered the source of White House leaks! Now, the bad news: The treasonous leaker is the Big Leaker, President Trump himself, pissing on the truth.
The terse order to fire Comey came straight from Mr. Putin―"Nyet Comey!"―and was carried out by Acting President Jared "Jarhead" Kushner and Acting First Lady-Daughter Ivanka Trump-Kushner.
Comrade Trumputin was informed of Comey's termination while he was cheating at putt-putt golf and stealing milk money from kindergartners. The Donald grinned almost as widely as when he celebrated robbing millions of less-fortunate Americans of their healthcare. "Все в день работы!" the Brooklyn Bolshevik exclaimed ("All in a day's work!"). He then referred all questions to Sean "Scary" Spicer and Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway. Later, Trumputin was said to be "very disappointed" when he learned that "termination" meant "fired" rather than "executed." But he must be excused, because he is still struggling with his non-native language, English. He is much more fluent in his primary languages: Russian and Bullshit.
James Comey was Trump's homey when he investigated Hillary Clinton's emails. But when he refused to be Trump's lapdog, it was time for him to be neutered.
Now everyone is breathlessly awaiting word on who Putin will choose to replace FBI Director James Comey.―Gisele Dussault
In the Kremlin the top-secret plan for Putin to control Trump is code-named "Operation Taming of the Orange Shrew." — Michael R. Burch
Trump, you're no "star."
Putin made you an American Czar.
Now, if we continue down this dark path you've chosen,
pretty soon we'll all be wearing lederhosen.
―Michael R. Burch
The White House resident
is NOT my president.
―Unknown
If you vote for Republicans
that makes you reflublicans!
They don't care like Obama,
not even for your momma.
They'll toss her in the dump,
bowing down to King Trump
in the ritzy Rose Garden
as he writes himself a pardon.
―Michael R. Burch
Trump is Wilhuff Tarkin, the evil but fragile Death Star commander. Bannon is his forbidding overlord, Darth Vader. The orders are issued in the background by the real mastermind, Emperor Putin.
All Trump's tweets boil down to one simple message: "I am the ANTICHRIST! Praise, worship and obey me while I summon the Apocalypse!"
According to the latest intelligence, Donald Trump is known at the Kremlin as Secret Agent 666, codename THE BEAST.
George Washington is the father of the United States. Donald Trump is the father of the United States Serving Russia, the new U.S.S.R.
Get with the Program Pogrom, Lefties!
C'm'on lefties! Admit that Donald Trump has been very tough on China. He has been especially tough on Chinese kids who slave away in sweatboxes, making his menswear. He has also been incredibly tough on Hispanic kids. He will be even tougher on the Syrian kids he says we must "take out" (murder!) in order to win the war on terror. No wonder he's the idol of white supremacists everywhere! What a tough guy, what a Putin-like strongman, what a steely-eye hero, making damn sure that Syrian toddlers don't overthrow our vaunted armed forces in one of the great military coups of all time! Get with the program pogrom, you bleeding-heart lefties! Surely you know that Jesus Christ would have gone Rambo, grabbed his assault weapon and made damn sure that no Syrian babe or widowed mother ever received shelter on these Christian shores! Are you insane like President Obama to suggest that Americans should have the courage to show compassion to unfortunate people who are not Christians? (And please, please, PLEASE don't remind us about the parable of the Good Samaritan!)―Michael R. Burch
Things that go bump in the night
fill Herr Trump with irrational fright;
his brain hits the skids;
he screams, "Take out kids!"
Where's his self-alleged "courage" and "might"?
Is cowardice Trump's kryptonite?
—Michael R. Burch
The universe's dark forces are in perfect alignment! Mr. Putin and Acting President Bannon want exactly the same thing: the destruction of American democracy and its worldwide influence.
"I'm a Leninist," Bannon told The Daily Beast in 2013. "Lenin wanted to destroy the state, and that's my goal too. I want to bring everything crashing down, and destroy all of today's establishment."
Of course Mr. Putin fully supports President Bannon's anti-American initiatives and has ordered his puppet, Comrade Trumputin, to aid and abet Benedict Bannon's acts of treason, espionage and sabotage.
Why does Trump reject American intelligence? His handler, Mr. Putin, is a KGB spook who despises and fears American intelligence. Comrade Trumputin is just following orders!
Comrade Trumputin did not inform Congress of his Syrian missile strike, but he did inform Russia. It seems perfectly clear that Mr. Putin is running the show, and that Trump is Putin's Puppet.
ProfessorNina Khrushcheva was asked if Donald Trump is playing into Mr. Putin's hands. The responses from the intelligence expert were probative: "He's been playing into Putin's hands for over a year now," replied Professor Khrushcheva. "So it is not more than he has done already." The host said that many people have the picture of Putin sitting back and just saying 'Oh yes.' "And you know what," Khrushcheva continued. "This is such a correct picture ... Because I was just in Moscow and the Russians are saying, 'Look at those fools. Look at their democracy. Absolutely, how can America lecture us on any development institutions, human rights, democracy rhetoric when they just elected Donald Trump? He is such a fool. He is such a bully. That is what America deserves. And we are going to take advantage of it.' And that's how Russians feel about it. And now it's taking shape with letters from Vladimir Putin to Donald
Trump reportedly wanted tanks and missile launchers to roll down Pennsylvania Ave.―shades of Putin!―but the heavy tanks would have destroyed the road. Trump was heartbroken!
Who was the real winner at Trump's inauguration? Mr. Putin, who can now take back Ukraine and other former USSR satellites while Trump fawns, bows and scrapes.
From Russia, with Love ... signed, sealed, delivered ... he's yours, care of Mr. Putin ... your new leader: Comrade Trumputin!
Paul Ryan said, "I think Russia is a global menace led by a man who is menacing." Donald Trump said, "Thanks for getting me elected, Mr. Putin! Now, how may I serve you?"
The CIA, FBI and NSA all agree that Putin tried to get Trump elected. Why? Apparently, Putin wants America to hate again, and no one can incite hatred like The Donald.
Why does Trump want Rex Tillerson for Secretary of State? "He goes into a country, takes the oil, goes into another country." Yikes, that's the Dick Cheney master plan that led to the rise of ISIS!
Voters got a taste of Trump's presidency when Trump kissed a bare-chested Putin on the mouth in an SNL skit. The Trump-Putin bromance is so hot, there will soon be a Putin bedchamber in the White House!
Trump is most certainly NOT a Russian spy, because spies know how to keep important things secret. Trump is the consummate inane babbler. He is Putin's puppet, but not a spy.
Trump said he respects Mr. Putin. Bill O'Reilly asked, "Why? He's a murderer!" Trump responded that his AmeriKKKa is not so innocent; thus murdering innocents is just business as usual.
Former CIA Deputy Director Michael Morell called President Donald Trump's apparent comparison of Russian President Vladimir Putin's human rights violations to American actions "bizarre." In an interview on CBS This Morning, Morell said: "It suggests he doesn't have a good understanding of what Putin has done over a very long period of time. (Putin) has killed dozens of dozens of journalists, of political opponents … both inside of Russia and outside of Russia."
But there's the rub, because Trump evidently would dearly love to silence American journalists. It's not that Trump doesn't understand what Putin has done―it's that he can't wait to knock off a few journalists himself!
Trump just received 38 new trademarks in China, including one for "escort services." Yes, he is really "hard" on China ... positively rigid!
"Escort services" sounds about right, though one source also calls it "concierge services." Either way, someone is getting screwed. — Walter Einenkel in Daily Kos
Top Ten Donald Trump Hashtags
#Resist #DumpTrump #NeverTrump #RetireBitch (Danny Devito) #Trump666 #HissyFitHitler (Elizabeth Harris Burch aka Ladydragyn) #NotMyPresident #NoWalls #EqualityForAll #LoveTrumpsHate
Herr Trump's latest idea to "make American great again" is a real doozy that puts him in the same category as Herr Hitler. Our new Hair Hitler recently insisted three times that the world's most powerful nation must wage war on women and children, "taking them out" like pawns in a game of incredibly bloody chess. Asked during a Fox News interview about civilian casualties in the war on terror, Trump replied: "We're fighting a very politically correct war [by trying to avoid harming civilians] ... And the other thing is with the terrorists, you have to take out their families. When you get these terrorists, you have to take out their families. They care about their lives, don't kid yourself. But they say they don't care about their lives. You have to take out their families." (As William Finnegan pointed out in an article for The New Yorker, "Even Slobodan Milosevic knew better than to talk like that in public." Also what Trump said makes no sense, because if the terrorists really do care about their lives, you can use their lives as "leverage" and don't have to take out their families. Not to mention that murdering noncombatant women and children is evil and a violation of international law and basic human decency.) According to our hysterical Herr Trump, it is "politically correct" (i.e., very bad) to try to avoid killing women and children, and the best way to "win" the war on terror is to become serial killers of women and children ourselves! Herr Trump, welcome to the club that includes Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedong, Pol Pot, Idi Amin, Ivan the Terrible, Attila the Hun and Genghis Khan! How proud Americans will be when as Commander-in-Chief you order our highly-skilled professional soldiers to "take out" women and children! What a tough guy, what a hero, what a leader of men! Sieg Heil, Herr Trump!
A pale neo-Nazi, Herr Trump,
screamed "Take them all out!" at the stump:
"Mothers and kiddies!
Grandpappies, old biddies!
Just blow up the whole damn dump!"
—Michael R. Burch
If this discussion interests you, you can continue reading at Donald Trump's "Muslim Friends"
Trumpisms: Donald Trump Coinages, by Michael R. Burch
TrIumphant (adj.) feeling or expressing jubilation after claiming to have won a victory entirely on one's own merits: "I came, I lied, I claimed to be the Savior of the World, I conquered!"
Trumped (v., past tense) having won through subterfuge: "Trump's lies trumped facts for millions of his supporters."
Trump Change: (n.) chump change with a few extra zeroes tacked on
Trumpageddon (n.) Armageddon, only much worse because we have to listen to Donald Trump brag about his superiority while he destroys the world
Trumpaholic (n.) someone addicted to his own bullshit
Trumpbone (n.) a musical instrument similar to a trombone which plays only discordant notes
Trumpass (n.) a compass that always points at one's ass
Trumpathon: (n.) a TV event in which Donald Trump goes on and on and on about how "rich," "successful" and "good looking" he is
Trumpectomy (n.) a type of brain surgery similar to a lobotomy in which an oversized ego is removed
Trumpet (n.) a mouthpiece only good for constantly tooting one's own horn
Trumpetry (n.) the art of constantly tooting one's own horn.
Trumpism (n.) anything that is wildly exaggerated in a boorish fashion
Trumple (v.) to trample and crumple, while insulting one's victims in the process
Trumplestiltskin (n.) the title of a book about a man who falls asleep, dreams that he is the king of the world, and never wakes up from his absurd fantasy
Trumposity (n.) the quality of being pompous, loud and overbearing
Trumptanic (n.) the name of a ship that has been advertised to be "unsinkable" but in reality is so full of holes that it can never leave dry dock
Trumptastic (adj.) something purported to be wonderful that turns out to be horse hockey
Trumpupmanship (n.) claiming to be better than everyone at everything
Trumputopia (n.) a mythical land in which alpha male chauvinism rules and everything is magically "great"
Anchor husband (n.) a rich American man who marries foreign supermodels so that they can live in the US "legally"
Con-serve-ative (n.) a reality TV star who cons gullible people into believing that he wants to serve them, rather than vice versa
Con-fusion (n.) the chaos produced when a con-serve-ative convinces gullible people that he will "help them come together"
Con-flation (n.) what our economy will experience after Donald Trump has conned us into electing him president
Mock-umentary (n.) a documentary of Donald Trump mocking everything and everyone in sight
Bonus Tracks
C'mon folks, please be fair! To call Trump a "lame duck" is an insult to handicapped waterfowl everywhere!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
A recent poll indicates that 36% of Republicans still approve of Trump. In related news, scientists have just confirmed that 36% of Republicans are deaf, blind and very, very dumb!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Trump is taking us from unprecedented to unpresidented.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Trump supporters continue to stand by their sham.―Michael R. Burch
Related pages: The Best Donald Trump Jokes, The Best Donald Trump Jokes Part 2, The Best Donald Trump Jokes Part 3, The Best Donald Trump Puns, The Best Donald Trump Limericks, The Best Donald Trump Insults, 2016 Republican First Presidential Debate, Is there a Republican War on Women?, The Donald Trump Bible, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Conservatives Who Support Gay Marriage, Donald Trump Nicknames, Ten Reasons to "Fire" Donald Trump, Donald Trump's "Muslim Friends", Where Have All the Birthers Gone?, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Ted Cruz Nicknames, Is Ted Cruz an Anchor Baby?, More Donald Trump Jokes, Is Donald Trump a Fascist?, Donald Trump Trivia, Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast, Is Ted Cruz the Antichrist?, Marco Rubio Nicknames, Is Donald Trump the Antichrist?, Donald Trump Violence Quotes, Trump Trivia, Donald Trump in his Own Words: Fact-Checking Trump, Donald Trump Funny Campaign Slogans and Parodies, Donald Trump Halloween Ideas, The Best and Worst Tweets Ever, Donald Trump Tweets, Donald Trump Nicknames for his Cabinet, Family, Friends, Associates and Supporters, Famous Nicknames, Jared Kushner Nicknames
The HyperTexts