Kristi Noem Nicknames, Jokes and Quotes
Kristi Noem is the frontrunner for Donald Trump's running mate for the obvious reasons. After all, in the immortal words of Don the Con, "It is hard for a flat-chested woman to be a ten."
Trump is reported to admire Noem’s “profile.” — Michael R. Burch aka “The Loyal Opposition”
After Rambo Noem bragged about murdering her puppy Cricket, a goat and three horses, she threatened to kill Joe Biden's dog Commander as well: "Commander, meet Cricket!"
This page contains the best Kristi Noem nicknames, jokes and quotes that I have been able to find, plus a few that I came up with myself. Kristi Noem nicknames and jokes have been coined by Stephen Colbert, SE Cupp, Matt Friend, Jimmy Kimmel, Jordan Klepper, Daily Kos, Seth Meyers, Trevor Noah and John Oliver.
There are Kristi Noem "Puppy Gate" jokes and quotes after the nicknames.
The Top Ten Kristi Noem Nicknames, Plus a Few
Krusty Gnome (Michael R. Burch)
Krusty Kristi
Rambo Noem (Michael R. Burch)
In her upcoming book, Noem reportedly describes taking her 14-month-old puppy Cricket — a wirehair pointer she called "untrainable" and "less than worthless" — to a gravel pit and shooting her dead. "I hated that dog," Noem wrote in her book "No Going Back." After murdering Cricket in cold blood, Rambo Noem also shot a goat. What was Cricket's crime? She did what what nature designed her to do, and attacked some chickens with "pure joy." Thus, for being too puppyish. What was the goat's crime? Being too goatish. In her defense of killing an innocent dog and goat, Noem said that she also killed three horses. She also threatened to kill Joe Biden's dog Commander.
Krazi Kristi Noempathy
Kristi Kreeme (Michael R. Burch)
Kristi Kreeme creamed a puppy, a goat and three horses. Did she cream afterwards? — Michael R. Burch
Cruella da Kota
Kristi de Vil (because the Devil made her do it)
Cruella de Vick
After offing Cricket and threatening to off Commander as well, Kristi Noem received endorsements from Cruella de Vil and Michael Vick. — Michael R. Burch
Kristella de Vil
Cruella de Kristi
Ana Navarro, a Republican political strategist, said Noem was "auditioning for Cruella de Vil."
Kristi Noem wrote, "Commander, say hello to Cricket." Dear Lord, this woman has a taste for dog blood. It's like she thought "All Dogs Go To Heaven" was a personal challenge. — Jordan Klepper
Even Cruella de Vil was like, "At least I was making a coat." — Jordan Klepper on the Daily Show
Lady in a Red Ball Cap and Dalmatian Sable
Corpus Kristi (Michael R. Burch)
Kristi Noem leaves the corpses of innocent animals in her wake.
Kristi Krueger
Kristi Cadaver
Kristi Cadaver is dead to Trump. — Michael R. Burch
Risky Kristi
The South Dakota Puppy Assassin (Michael R. Burch)
Kristi the Puppy Killer
Puppy Slayer (Rick Wilson)
Gravel Pit Kristi (Rick Wilson)
Gravel Pit Bull
Gravel Pit Bullshit Artist
Trump's dogs are cold, Kristi Noem's are buried. — Daily Kos
The Gravel Pit Puppy Assassin
Sgt. Slaughter
Slaughterhouse 666
Boobilicious (Michael R. Burch)
Blunderbust Barbie
Farmergate Karen
Cave Karen Kristi
The Crow-MAGAnon (Michael R. Burch)
Kristi Noem crows about killing puppies and goats.
White Fang
Blight Fang
Mommie Dearest
PUPPY GATE, ACT I: "Mom, where’s our dog?"
No-Show Noem
Kristi No One
Kristi Noem is Kristi No One to Trump, since Puppy Gate. — Michael R. Burch
Covid Kristi
The Maskless Wonder
The MAGA Megaphone
The MAGA Megaphony
The MAGA Maniac
The Holey Crusader (Michael R. Burch)
His Satanic Majesty's Sock Puppet
Snark of the Beast
Human Enema
The Trump Enabler
The Trump Whisperer
The Trump Hisser
Frisky Kristi
Cruella de Kristi
The Countess of Monte Kristi
Kristi Noem "Puppy Gate" Jokes
Kristi Noem's forthcoming book will be "packed with surprising stories." — Noem's publisher, in the understatement of the century
Kristi Noem is barking up the wrong tree. — Daily Kos
Trump's dogs are cold, Kristi Noem's are buried. — Daily Kos
Even Cruella de Vil was like, "At least I was making a coat." — Jordan Klepper on the Daily Show
The top thing is to not shoot your puppy. You can't just go around executing puppies saying, "That's that's life on a farm." It's a farm, not international waters. — Jordan Klepper
She wrote, "Commander, say hello to Cricket." Dear Lord, this woman has a taste for dog blood. It's like she thought All Dogs Go To Heaven was a personal challenge. — Jordan Klepper
"I am killing this dinner harder than Kristi Noem kills the puppies." — Matt Friend at the 2024 Correspondents' Dinner
"Save that trauma for your therapist." — SE Cupp, after Noem wrote, "I hated that dog" in her book
"There are 592 other things you can do with a dog that won't hunt beside kill it in front of your kid and construction workers." — SE Cupp
After offing Cricket and threatening to off Commander as well, Kristi Noem received endorsements from Cruella de Vil and Michael Vick. — Michael R. Burch
Kristi Noem is the frontrunner for Donald Trump's running mate for the obvious reasons. After all, in the immortal words of Don the Con, "It is hard for a flat-chested woman to be a ten." — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Trump is reported to admire Noem’s "profile." — Michael R. Burch
However, Kristi Noem is now Kristi No One to Trump, since Puppy Gate. — Michael R. Burch
Kristi Cadaver is dead to Trump. — Michael R. Burch
Animal Farm, the Musical
by Michael R. Burch
Corpus Kristi had a farm, e-i-e-i-o,
And on this farm she had a dog, e-i-e-i-o,
With a blam-blam here and a blam-blam there,
Here a blam, there a blam, everywhere a blam-blam,
Corpus Kristi had a farm, e-i-e-i-o.
Corpus Kristi had a farm, e-i-e-i-o,
And on this farm she had a goat, e-i-e-i-o,
With a nicked shot here and a nicked shot there,
Here a nick, there a nick, everywhere a nick-nick,
Corpus Kristi had a farm, e-i-e-i-o.
Corpus Kristi had a farm, e-i-e-i-o,
And on this farm she had a horse, e-i-e-i-o,
With a wing shot here and a missed shot there,
Here a hit, there a miss, everywhere a near miss,
Corpus Kristi had a farm, e-i-e-i-o.
Kristi Noem Quotes
"I hated that dog." — Kristi Noem
In her book Noem recounts taking Cricket on a pheasant hunt, but the puppy went "out of her mind with excitement, chasing all those birds and having the time of her life." So of course she had to be murdered!
Kristi Noem, in her defense of killing an innocent dog and goat, said that she also killed three horses.
After Rambo Noem bragged about murdering her puppy Cricket, a goat and three horses, she threatened to kill Joe Biden's dog Commander as well: "Commander, meet Cricket!"
Noem has the same disdain for rape victims as she does for dogs and goats. Noem defended South Dakota's lack of exceptions for rape and incest exceptions in South Dakota abortion ban, telling CNN's Dana Bash: "I just don't believe a tragedy should perpetuate another tragedy." What about the tragedy of an 11-year-old girl being forced to give birth to her rapist's baby against her will?
In her book, No Going Back, which it turns out Noem didn't write, she lied about meeting Kim Jong Un and staring him down: "I remember when I met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. I'm sure he underestimated me, having no clue about my experience staring down little tyrants (I'd been a children's pastor, after all)."
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