The HyperTexts

The Best Donald Trump Puns, Limericks, Jokes, Tom Swifties, Wellerisms, Spoonerisms and Coinages

These are the best Donald Trump puns that I have been able to find, along with some that I came up with myself ...

Q: What do you call it when a Man-Baby takes over the American government?
A: Coup d'Tot.
Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

The GOP has become a confectionery where conspiracy theories are baked, then sold to the half-baked. — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Image result for pelosi clap

Nancy Pelosi's "seal of disapproval" was the highlight of Trump's lie-filled, self-glorifying State of the Union address.

Trump's State of the Disunion speech was a prime grime event. Sadly, some of its major stars were missing. Still, "everybody who was anybody who was not indicted was there,” as Stephen Colbert observed.

Right wingers long to play follow the leader, or in Trump’s case, follow the Pleader. — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Dear Pleader
by Michael R. Burch

Is our Dear Pleader, as he claims, heroic?
I prefer my presidents a bit more stoic.

Trump's grandfather was evicted from Germany for draft-dodging and tax evasion. His father, Fred Trump, never served his adoptive country, which took him in when he was a stateless refugee, but instead overbilled its government while building federal housing projects. Donald Trump aka Cadet Bone Spurs, continues all three Trump family traditions.

Donald Trump is a chip off the old blockhead. — Michael R. Burch

The Top Ten Donald Trump Puns of All Time ... Oh Hell, Make it a Baker's Dozen!

If Donald Trump gets elected, there'll be hell toupée.―Anonymous

When Trump is elected we will all have toupée the price.―Ryan Bourassa

Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump supporters voted for change, and boy, are they going to get it!―Garrison Keillor, who calls Trump the "boy president"

Donald Trump piñatas are a big "hit" in Mexico.―Jacob Davidson

Americans have been mishearing The Donald: what he really meant is that he will make America grate again, after which many people with darker skin will migrate again.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.―Stephen Colbert

Trump has Republicans Whig-ing out.―Chris Ladd (the Whig party catered to white supremacists called "know-nothings" and disintegrated as a result)

I know you don't believe in climate change but a storm's a-coming, baby.―Stormy Daniels on SNL

The Trump presidency is a joke, but it's no laughing matter.―Graydon Carter, who called Trump a "Short-Fingered Vulgarian," only to be besieged with photos sent by Trump in attempts to prove he has REALLY BIG fingers!

Trump is taking us from unprecedented to unpresidented.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

The Donald trumpets that the news is "all Trump, all the time." That's true, but only because catastrophes invariably dominate the headlines.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

These are clearly the end times, and now we know why the ancient prophets spoke of a "little horn" and the Trump of Doom.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

To see how Trump fulfills Biblical prophecies about the Antichrist, please click the hyperlink.

The Hair Flap
by Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

The hair flap was truly a scare:
Trump's bald as a billiard back there!
The whole nation laughed
At the state of his graft;
Now the man's wigging out, so beware!

Arse Brevis
by Michael R. Burch

The Donald may tweet from sun to sun,
but his spellchecker’s work is never done.

Trump’s real goals are obvious
and yet millions of Americans remain oblivious.
—Michael R. Burch

Currently Rising and Trending: Puns, Wordplay and Jokes

The wheels of justice continue to grind. Hopefully this time justice will be served and Trump will serve time. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Floriduh is the perfect state of residence for Trump. After all, Trump is florid in both face and speech, and he favors duh-mock-racey as his political system. Also, thanks to the warm Florida sun, the Great Trumpkin can now save tons of money on that ghastly orange pancake makeup. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Mar-a-Lago is now officially a "gilded petri dish for a global disease."―Politico

Thanks to Trump's handling mishandling of the coronavirus pandemic, the United States has been placed on its highest-ever state of alert: DEAF CON 1.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

President Trump has responded to the coronavirus outbreak by (among other things) promising it would go away by itself, playing golf, blaming China, blaming the media, blaming Democrats, lying about it, attempting to bribe Germany’s vaccine industry and saying he’s responding to it perfectly.―USA Today

"It turns out that in a time of crisis a conman is not up to the task."―Rolling Stone

It's time to put the stable genius out to pasture.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

In England the Prince of Wales met the Prince of Wails.

England once experienced the Madness of King George the Third. Americans are now experiencing the Madness of King Gorge the Turd. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Apparently there is a God and he's the supreme ironist: Donald Trump is being taken out by a Chinese flu named after a Mexican beer!

Trump has no "path to victory." He continues to pave one to infamy. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump's unspeakable, and yet he will continue to speak.―Hugh Laurie

Trump is so divorced from the Truth, he should pay it alimony.―Elizabeth Harris Burch aka @ladydragyn

Repealing DACA in order to MAGA is a load of CACA.―Stephen Colbert 

Call him Meeky Mouse since Trump got vaccinated in private before leaving the White House. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump may not have the best chance of winning, but he certainly does of whining.―Bernie Shine

What did Donald Trump say when he declared bankruptcy? "I don't have toupée!"―Jimmy Kimmel's Indian joke outsourcers

I oppose Donald Trump over religious differences: he thinks he's God, I don't.―Anonymous (a new take on a golden oldie)

Trump is grasping at proverbial straws, and they're about to break the elephant’s back. — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition," written after Trump lost around 60 post-election lawsuits, while convincing legions of his followers that there's no point in voting in "rigged" elections

Since his mishandling of the coronavirus pandemic led to more than 300,000 American deaths, Trump has given up on his border "wall" to build The Grate Wail of China.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Will the Bar Association bill and bar Bill Barr? Will Trump then declare Colludy Rudy Giuliani his new Detourney General? — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

After William Barr is disbarred, will he end up behind barrs, or will he find employment as Trump's personal barrtender and anal barrometer? — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump's supporters go on and on about the "deep state," but they are in a deep state of denial. — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump’s super-heated hot air has elevated him to unprecedented heights, and condemned us to unpresidented depths. — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump and the GOP have gone from Serial Shillers to Serial Killers with their lethal lies about the coronavirus pandemic.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump's mask-less rioters apparently believe in herd impunity.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

How the smitey have fallen! Republicans who once stood like bulwarks against communism now bow and grovel before a man who prefers Russian intelligence to American intelligence and slobbers over Putin like a lapdog begging for treats. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

What will happen during the upcoming presidential debates? All Joe Biden will have to do is quote Trump. Don the Con has been unable to keep his 20,000 lies straight and cannot hide 200,000 American deaths. The entire nation will soon see that the would-be emperor has been running around starkers in both senses of the word — sans clothes and sans sanity.

Q: What do you call it when the Kremlin, Trump Tower and white nationalists unite?
A: Putin' on the Ritz Cracker.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Q: What do you call a female member of Congress with a smart phone, if she's a Republican?
A:  An app-a-rat-chick.

Trump has taken the "adult" out of adultery. The religious right has taken the right out of religion.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Bill Clinton tried to keep his affairs private. Donald Trump makes his privates an international affair.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

It's FAKE NEWS that Donald Trump has no experience in foreign affairs. Hell, two of his foreign affairs resulted in marriages!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Donald Trump accused Huma Abedin of sharing state secrets with her husband. I think Trump clearly lacks a sense of Huma.―Michael R. Burch  aka "The Loyal Opposition"

The old saying “loose lips sink ships” comes to mind with Trump. He runs his mouth until it runs him aground. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump plays into Putin's hands like silly putty. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump's former campaign manager Brad Parscale once called his reelection machine an "unstoppable juggernaut." But that has been reduced to an "unspottable jigger-nut" as the Grifter-in-Chief blew a $1.1 billion stash on (snigger) "expenses" such as lavish vacations, limo drivers, vanity ads and Trump family "reimbursements." The "unspottable jigger-nut" now faces an embarrassing cash crunch and has had to pull TV ads in critical swing states like Arizona. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Before Trump we had to worry about guilt by association. Now pumpkins and other orange-colored plants and animals have to worry about gilt by coloration as well.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump boasted, "Anybody that wants a test can get a test. That's what the bottom line is."  By "bottom line" he obviously meant he was talking out his A$$.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump has been leading from behind while talking out his A$$.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump has Americans playing a deadly game of Follow the Pleader.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Reelect your Fearless Pleader! Trump has returned to portraying the coronavirus pandemic as a "hoax" that can be safely ignored, this time starting with his magical timeline of Easter. Why? Trump's motivation is apparent in this tweet: "The LameStream Media is the dominant force in trying to get me to keep our Country closed as long as possible in the hope that it will be detrimental to my election success. The real people want to get back to work ASAP. We will be stronger than ever before!" Thus the coronavirus, which started as a next-to-nothing "hoax," then became the pandemic Trump had always seen and recognized, is now back to "hoax" status. Never mind about Americans who may suffer and die, while putting their loved ones at risk, if they return to work too soon. They are not "real people" to Trump! What really matters to Trump is that Trump gets reelected. To do that he needs everyone to work, whether they live or die, and whether or not they infect their loved ones in the process. Get your priorities straight, Americans, and put your Fearless Pleader first, as he does Himself! He is completely fearless as far as you and your families are concerned! Now we know why he's imperially called The Donald. How many Americans will suffer and die, to give Trump a better shot at getting reelected?

Shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods? Ron Paul, a former Republican Presidential candidate, recently wrote an article in which he called the coronavirus pandemic a "big hoax." That might come as a surprise to his son, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, who just tested positive for the coronavirus. After years of pandering to a conman, Republicans finally have a reality check they can't ignore. Ironically, Rand Paul was the was the only senator to vote against a bipartisan deal to provide $8 billion in emergency coronavirus funding earlier this month.

Vultures of a feather, flocking together? Republican senators Richard Burr and Kelly Loeffler sat together during the Senate impeachment trial. After being briefed by medical experts on the very real dangers of the coronavirus, they pooh-poohed the risk to the public while selling millions of dollars worth of stocks. They presumably laughed all the way to the bank with the money they saved, but how many lives could have been saved if they had told the public the truth?―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Friends, Americans, countrymen ... there is no need to panic. A six-times-bankrupted real estate salesman who didn't know people die from the flu―even though his grandfather did―is now managing the coronavirus pandemic. In the past he's advocated nuking hurricanes, waterbombing Notre Dame Cathedral, raking forest "floors" to prevent wildfires, denying charity to sharks, and tilting at windmills. What could possibly go wrong?―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Who should we trust: the WHO's scientists or Trump's wildly inconsistent gut? In a phone call with Sean Hannity, Trump said he had a "hunch" the World Health Organization's estimated 3.4 percent death rate for coronavirus infections is a "false number." But when cases were reported at his beloved Mar-a-Lago, Trump suddenly changed his tune and finally called it what it is: a pandemic.

It's not true that Trump tested negative for coronavirus; what he failed was an IQ test.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

After coming in contact with Viral Donald, senators Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, Rick Scott and Matt Gaetz have wisely announced plans to self-quarantine.

Jared Kushner is in time-out for advising Daddy Trump to downplay a global pandemic as "fake news" and a "Democratic hoax." Bad Jared! Face the wall! No Ivanka nooky time for you!

Q: Why doesn't Trump have to worry about the Coronavirus, personally?
A: Professional courtesy, one Virus to another.

The bad news keeps getting worse. It turns out the coronavirus is spread by asskissing and brownnosing. The good news is that the entire GOP has been quarantined for your protection.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Q: What do you call it when President Trump contracts the coronavirus after insisting it was "fake news" and a "Democratic hoax"?
A: Moronavirus
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump is the Moron-a-virus infecting the White House. Ditzy Donald said he didn't know that people died from the flu. His grandfather died from the flu! Now this six-times-bankrupted real estate salesman who claims he's "smarter" than scientists and medical experts is managing the coronavirus pandemic, which he's called "fake news" and a "Democratic hoax." In the past Trump advocated nuking hurricanes, waterbombing Notre Dame Cathedral, denying charity to sharks, tilting at windmills, and raking forest "floors" to combat wildfires. What could possibly go wrong?

Senator Ron Johnson (R-WI) has words of comfort for Americans. Johnson very helpfully pointed out that that "no more than 3.4 percent of our population" is in danger of dying from the coronavirus. Armed with this data, Johnson wants Americans to put things in the proper "perspective." With a population of 331 million, this means we face "only" 11.25 million deaths. We only have to worry about 3 to 4 people out of every hundred we know dying, on average. And if others end up on ventilators or otherwise incapacitated, well some of us will still be able to breathe on our own. So toughen up, Americans, and get some "perspective" thanks to Ron Johnson!

A pun is a play on words, for purposes of humor and/or making a sharp point. A rather obvious pun is that The Donald "trumped" Jeb Bush and other presidential candidates by "trumpeting" his own accomplishments. But there are other more subtle puns: for instance, comparisons of Trump's "wig" to his "Whig"-like politics. (The Whig party was infiltrated by racist, anti-immigration white supremacists known as "know-nothings" and eventually disintegrated.) A good pun can be simultaneously funny, thought-provoking, and enlightening. For instance, SNL's Drunk Uncle, professing to admire Donald Trump, gushed: "He's gonna make America grapes again!" Obviously "grapes" is a pun on "great." But what does the pun mean? Perhaps the punster is punning on the "grapes of wrath" of the Civil War, which was fought over racism. And so, while the Drunk Uncle seems to be a "fan" of Trump, through irony the pun's creator may be suggesting that we need to think about who Trump is, what he stands for, and what may happen if we elect him president. Do we really want a racist know-nothing in the White House, heading our government and military? (Since I wrote this intro, Trump has been elected president, so we are now finding out, with disastrous results.―Michael R. Burch)

Currently Rising and Trending Puns of the Past

With his "national emergency," Trump has passed his Rube-i-Con.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Q: What is Donald Trump's favorite beverage?
A: Mueller Lite, served by his personal Barr-tender.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

According to Republicans, Mueller Lite "tastes great." According to Dems it's "less filling" due to "less filing."―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

The Mueller Report has been renamed the Barr[ed] Report.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Barr that bromance! GOP senators are promising that Attorney General nominee William Barr won't touch Robert Mueller's probe!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

After Trump delivered his State of the Disunion crap,
Pelosi delivered her Shade of the Union clap.

Forget Waldo, where's Wall Dough?―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

With Valentine's Day approaching there is no sweetheart deal for Trump. Apparently he's resigned to signing legislation that will reduce his 2,000 miles of "beautiful" and "powerful" concrete wall to 55 miles of porous fencing. Laura Ingraham called Trump's capitulation to Nancy Pelosi "stall funding." Ann Coulter called it the "Yellow New Deal." Sean Hannity called it a "garbage compromise."

"This is a cave, not a wall!"

Trump is walled in by his wall din.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

A wall by any other name would be as tweet.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

A wall by any other name would be as incomplete.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

If Trump has a movement behind him, a bowel must be involved.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump just announced that he is awarding himself the Meddle of Honor for the Trump Shutdown.

Thanks to lessons learned from Nancy Pelosi, Donald Trump's next book will be titled The Art of the Kneel, the Squeal and the Appeal

Trump's "executive time"
is executive crime.

National "emergency"? The president's precedent is unprecedented.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Ann Coulter "rightfully" concluded that Trump has spent "more than two years not doing the things that got him elected."

The House of Gaud is apparently in bed with the rich and powerful House of Saud. After all, someone has to pay for all those expensive golden commodes!

Donald Trump is guilty of high crimes and his demeanor.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

"Give 'em Hell" Harry S. Truman said, "The buck stops here."
"Shill 'em Well" Donald J. Trump said, "The buck stops with everyone."

Donald Trump, Paul Manafort and Roger Stone are partners in grime.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Donald Trump is living up to his name by putting Americans through the DTs.

Mike Pence is Trump's main vice, and the main reason Dems probably won't impeach him.

Professional wrestler Chris Jericho gave Nancy Pelosi a perfect ten after she applied the "Walls of Jericho" to Donald Trump. That stunning move resulted in what will now forever be known as "Trump's Concession Stand."

I was shocked but not surprised by the revelation that the FBI had launched a counterintelligence investigation of Trump. It seems obvious that Putin's wish is Trump's command. My only question is whether Trump is a witting, unwitting or witless agent of Russia.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

ICE has been living up to its frigid acronym by putting undocumented immigrants in hieleras—the Spanish word for "iceboxes" or "freezers." We have seen numerous pictures of children shivering under foil-like Mylar blankets and there are reports of some of them turning blue from the extreme cold.

Trump turned down General James Mattis's offer to remain as Secretary of Defense long enough to ensure a smooth transition. Trump then tweeted that he was "fixing" the American military. Apparently he meant "fixing" as in emasculating and neutering.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump has a new series of self-help books coming out: The Art of the Spiel, The Art of the Squeal, The Art of the Appeal, The Art of the Misdeal, The Art of the Surreal, and The Art of the Feel (for budding genital gropers).

The Art of the Trumpism: Properly Interpreting Trump

"America first" means "America worst."
"Make America great again" is a misspelling; it should be "grate."
"National Defense" means highly offensive offense.
"Civil Rights" means uncivil slights.

Tom Swifties (also known as Wellerisms)

"What the hell is that woman up to now?" cried Donald stormily.―Michael R. Burch
"The Iran deal is dead," Donald hissed cryptically.―Michael R. Burch
The Donald gushed, "I just love golden showers!"―Michael R. Burch
"Yes, Howard, you can call my daughter a piece of ass," Donald approved sternly.―Michael R. Burch
"My sex organ is YUGE," Donald crowed cockily.―Michael R. Burch
"I just love to toot my own horn!" The Donald trumpeted.―Michael R. Burch
"All that glitters is gold!" The Donald glowed.―Michael R. Burch
"Who left the seat of my golden toilet down?" Donald asked peevishly.―a new take on a golden oldie
"Stormy, watch what you're doing with that paddle!" cried Donald, awestruck.―a new take on a golden oldie
"There are no bats in my belfry," said Donald loftily.―Michael R. Burch


Trump has the face that launched a thousand shocks.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

To reboot American democracy the key stroke is ALT-RIGHT-DELETE.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

At least Trump pulls out when he promises to. If only his father had done the same!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump wants to build border walls and shut down immigration of people with darker skin. Beware, the ICE man cometh!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Signs of the Resistance: Actual Signs Carried by Trump Protesters

Today we march, tomorrow we RUN for office!
Keep your tiny hands off my button!
Our button's bigger than yours! (With a picture of a ballot.)
Girls just wanna have fundamental human rights.
Tweet women with respect!
I've seen smarter cabinets at IKEA!
Elect a clown, get a circus!
We need to talk about the Elephant in the womb! (With a picture of the GOP elephant.)
Bully Culprit.
Electile dysfunction.
Impeach the orange.

Bonus Tracks

Q: What do you call it when a Man-Baby takes over the American government?
A: Coup d'Tot.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump gives new meaning to the term "March Madness." He's mad as a March hare, and his hair's insane to boot!

It was a very touching scene when Donald Trump—gasping for breath on his political deathbed—begged Roy Moore to "Win one for the GROPER!"

Q: Why did Trump endorse Roy Moore?
A: Predators of a feather flock together.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

After once again failing to get Mexico, American taxpayers or the military to build his wall, Donald Trump has bowed to more powerful forces and is writing a sequel to his bestseller, to be titled The Art of the Kneel.

Under Trump the United States has become the land of the plea and the home of the knave.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

With Trump as the Big Cheese, conservatives are making America grate again.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

It is FAKE NEWS that Trump is not a history expert. You just have to spell it correctly: "his story."—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump is not a mere dispenser of "fake news" as some liberals claim! He goes yugely beyond that with FAKE NEWS SPEWS.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

Trump supporters continue to stand by their sham.―Michael R. Burch

Trump has a new plan to plan to advance his "agenda." He will rally his troupe around the troops.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

TrumpCare is clearly a rush to fudgement!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump whitens and brightens his money the old-fashioned way. He launders it.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

A recent poll indicates that 36% of Republicans still approve of Trump. In related news, scientists have just confirmed that 36% of Republicans are deaf, blind and very, very dumb!―Michael R. Burch

The weak-minded invariably prefer strongmen, and that explains why Tweety's all a-twitter over barechested Vlad.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Harry S. Truman: The buck stops here.
Donald J. Trump: The buck stops elsewhere, except when I'm getting paid off, preferably in Russian rubles!

Mr. Art of the Deal admits he's been using immigrant children as a negotiating tool, which makes him the tool of the Devil. And we'd expect the spawn of the Father of Lies to spawn lies on a daily basis, which Trump does, further confirming his dark heritage.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

It flies in the face of reason that the American President is the Lord of the Flies.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

ABC "barred" the door to the racism of Trump's biggest fan, Roseanne Barr.

T'gether Trump and Roseanne 're makin' 'Murica grate again, 'specially wit' them thar cute ape jokes!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Jimmy Kimmel, choking on tears after 17 Florida high school students were murdered in yet another senseless massacre, said: "You say this is a mental health issue, but one of your first acts as president, Mr. Trump, was to roll back the regulations that were designed to keep firearms out of the hands of the mentally ill. You did that. Your party voted to repeal the mandates on coverage for mental health. I agree this is a mental illness issue. Because if you don’t think we need to do something about it, you’re obviously mentally ill."

Trump has given new meaning to the term "cock crowing."

According to Jimmy Kimmel, the Trump's "America first" slogan is more like "America last." Kimmel ordered a bunch of merchandise from a Trump website, and not a single item was proudly labeled "Made in America." Most of the items were labeled "Made in China" or countries like Thailand and Peru. Two of the items were not labeled at all, a clear violation of American law if they were made overseas. But in any case, there was nothing labeled "Made in America." Kimmel pointed out that Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump act like American flags wearing hair gel, but they fail to walk the walk. Lock 'em up and throw away the key!

Trump put the "ire" in Ireland when he threatened to visit there, but the natives were playing "Ode to Joy" after his trip was canceled.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Paul Manafort's name is prophetic. He will soon man a fort (a stockade known as a "federal prison").—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

There will be a zany musical about the Trump administration: Springtime for Shitler. That's "spring" as in everyone trying to spring themselves from jail. Alec Baldwin will of course play Trump. The rest of the cast will be hardcore felons, for purposes of realism. The producer? Mr. Putin, of course, laughing his ass off at all the chaos he created.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

The entire GOP now consists of apparatchiks; they've built their careers on toeing the party line, and neither obvious obstruction of justice nor clear evidence of collusion with a foreign power will make them take a stand.—Nobel Laureate Paul Krugman

Donald Trump crowned Vladimir Putin's girlfriend Miss Universe in 2002. What are the odds? Was it payback for loads of dirty laundry washed clean by Putin's rubles?

The Best Donald Trump Putin Jokes

Society is now one polish’d horde,
Form’d of two mighty tribes, the Bores and Bored.
Lord Byron in his epic farce "Don Juan"

Trump will declare North Korea a state sponsor of terror.―New York Post
North Korea will declare Trump a pate tonsure of error.―Michael R. Burch

The new adventures of Tweety Blurred ...

Tweety Twump is taking us from unpwecedented to unpwesidented.―Michael R. Burch
Tweety has a new plan to plan to advance his cartoonish "agenda." He will wally his twoupe around the twoops.―Michael R. Burch
Tweety lacks the power of reason, but he compensates with the power of TWEASON!―Michael R. Burch
Tweety's no conservative; he's a conswervative (emphasis on "con").―Michael R. Burch
TwumpCawe is a wush to fudgement!―Michael R. Burch\
Tweety thot he saw a puddy tat ... so he gwoped it!―Michael R. Burch

Trump has gone wildly beyond toxic ... he's now Foxic!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

It is FAKE NEWS that Trump has no values! He clearly values HIMSELF, yugely! Now quit whining and worship him properly, as he worships THE DONALD! 

A man who boasts of his sexual prowess should have his prow removed.―Sikhspak Chapra

It's true! Americans are flipping over Donald Trump ... over to the Democratic Party.

Former CIA Director John Brennan testified that Russia "brazenly" interfered in the presidential election. In fact, the only thing more brazen that Russia's interference is Trump's bronzer!

The Best Donald Trump Russia Jokes

The swamp drained Trump, according to Republican congressman Justin Amash of Michigan. Now Trump is being mocked by his own party. For instance, Thomas Massie, a Kentucky Tea Party conservative, tweeted: "@RealDonaldTrump It's a swamp not a hot tub. We both came here to drain it. #SwampCare polls 17%. Sad!"

All those political jokes were bound to backfire. Now one has been elected president and the yoke's on us!―The ghost of Groucho Marx

Six Russian diplomats have died since November and they apparently appeared in Trump's MI6 dossier. While Trump is puttin' on the Ritz, is Putin puttin' on the Hits?

Women who work with the West Wing-Nut should be entitled to hazardous booty pay.―Michael R. Burch

Bill O'Reilly's podcasts will allow him to continue to reach the pod people.―Michael R. Burch

Trump has always been a bully. Now he has the world's biggest bully pulpit.―Michael R. Burch

The good news is that Bannon has been banished. The bad news is that Reince Priebus is staying, so "Reince twice and spit!"―Michael R. Burch 

Reporting about Trump's golden showers is the worst kind of yellow journalism. And even though jokes about this story are a golden opportunity, I just won't do it. Not to say the story didn't make a huge splash—it did. It flooded Twitter, I mean. We'll keep you up to date as facts trickle in. And we have our best researcher working on it—she's a real whiz. And one thing is for sure: The president-elect is a Goldwater Republican who truly believes in trickle-down!―Stephen Colbert

Mueller's trap is closing, thanks to Tweety's constantly being open. Tweety's singing like a canary, in his tweets. It would be an open and shut case, except that Tweety seems incapable of shutting up. —Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Tweety's goose is cooked. It's hard to imagine there isn't a smorgasbord of foie gras just waiting to be sampled by Robert Mueller and his "follow the money" experts.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte says female rebels should be shot in the genitals to render them "useless.'' In related news, President Pussygrabber has volunteered to "snatch" the women while Duterte "cocks" and fires.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

Trump's movement is great ... for a bowel movement.―Michael R. Burch

Trump has infallible hindsight because his head is always up his ass.―Michael R. Burch

Some people have sex appeal. The Donald has hex appeal.―Michael R. Burch

Will Trump be so rank that he rankles Republican ranks?―Michael R. Burch

Trump obviously plans to put the United States where he put Trump Vodka: on the rocks.―Michael R. Burch

When Americans put a Big Whig in charge of the nuclear codes, the world may have toupée the ultimate price.― Michael R. Burch

He's gonna make America grapes again!―SNL's Drunk Uncle played by Bobby Moynihan (perhaps punning on "the grapes of wrath" and/or "sour grapes")

Q: Why does Al Franken laugh whenever Trump speaks?
A: Because he knows a political joke when he hears one.

When Man-Baby Trump was asked about the firing of James Comey, he sucked his pacifier for a minute, then blabbered: "Easy comey, easy goey!"―Michael R. Burch

Americans keep mishearing Trump. He didn't say that he would be "hard on" Russia and China. He said that he has a "hard on" for Russia and China.―Michael R. Burch

To trump Trump or not to trump, that is the question. It's rhetorical.―Michael R. Burch

The new Republican Party slogan is: "Let's party like it's 1999 (BC)!"―Michael R. Burch

Would Donald Trump create an American Holocaust by deporting 11 million people, including multitudes of completely innocent children and their mothers? Is Trump the second coming of Adolph Hitler? Yes, nicknames like Hair Hitler and Hair Furor are amusing, but are they also accurate, and perhaps prophetic?

Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast

Okay, this is going to sound crazy, but I swear I'm not making it up. The Trump family owns the most expensive building in the United Sates, at 666 Fifth Avenue, a street that symbolizes money (Mammon). Seriously. And according to multiple reports the Trumps are in the process of building another building at One Journal Square that will be 666 feet tall, and cost $666 million dollars. No, I am not pulling your leg! The Bible says that in the last days the anti-Christ will deceive even the very elect. Who endorsed Donald Trump? Evangelical heavyweights like Sarah Palin, Franklin Graham and Jerry Falwell Jr. Again, I am not making this up. This is really happening. The facts are presented here:

Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast.

Does it bother you that Donald Trump sounds like the second coming of Adolph Hitler? Does it strike you as odd that evangelical Christians are ecstatically supporting a man who is the complete and utter antithesis of Jesus Christ? Why did the Hebrew prophets warn us about a "little horn" and the Trump of Doom? Were they speaking literally, since a trump is a little horn? There are not one or two or three connections between the Trumps and the number 666. There are many connections. If you click the hyperlink and read the article, you are free to draw your own conclusions.

Thanks to Donald Trump, the Religious Right now supports the Irreligious Wrong.―Michael R. Burch

Xmas is Coming!

Trump is putting the X back in Xmas by X-ing out refugee children and their mothers. If baby Jesus and Mary showed up needing shelter, Santa Claws wouldn't provide them with even a lowly manger. Instead, he'd order American soldiers to drive them back into the wilderness at gunpoint. Meanwhile, this is what the eerie festivities at the White House looked like the last two years: Trump Christmas.

Have a very scary Trump Christmas!

Thanks to the Trumps the eerily-decorated
White House now has "one of the scariest hallways in America," according to Gizmodo. Comparisons have been drawn to Snow White’s escape route from the Huntsman, The White Witch’s  Narnian forest, and that lovely spot where Voldemort drank a unicorn’s blood. But perhaps we should simply admit that "a cold day in hell" has finally arrived. 

Fabulous news for the Trump administration! According to DailyKos, "tens" attended the Trump tree lighting ceremony! (That is not "tens" as in supermodels, but as in small groups of white supremacists who fervidly dream of "all-white" Christmases.)―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump, for once, has kept his word by putting the "Christ" back in Christmas. On a daily basis, he makes 300 million Americans gasp and say "Jesus Christ, what is Trump up to now?"
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

With Trump at the reins, instead of Santa's Sleigh we now have Satan's Slay.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Christmas is coming!
Tycoons are getting fat!
Please put donations
in the Fat Cat's Hat.
If you haven't got a penny
he'll toss you in the stew,
but if you've got a billion
then may TRUMP bless you!
―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump Punning Nicknames

Trump of Doom (pun on the Biblical instrument that heralds the Day of Doom)
Hair Hitler (pun on Herr Hitler)
The New Furor (pun on Führer, the German word for "leader")
Darth Hater (pun on Darth Vader)
Dire Abby (because Trumps tweets relationship advice similar to "Dear Abby" but it's usually extremely negative, like "dump the slut!")
King of the Whoppers (because The Donald's lies are so huge and outrageous)
Fifth Avenue Freeze-Out (because Donald Trump tried to deny American vets the right to street vend on Fifth Avenue, while selling expensive baubles there himself)
Master Debater (because Trump claims that he won every debate; also because he masturbates his ego during debates)
King Tut (because Trump's insults make billions of people go "Tut, tut, tut!")
New York Pork Dork (because Trump hails from New York and has wild spending plans, called "pork projects" in political circles)

A number of Trump nicknames are related to fascism, such as "Hair Hitler," "Hair Furor" and "The New Furor." Are such accusations warranted? Well, Hair Hitler talking about Muslims does sound a lot like Herr Hitler talking about Jews. Here's what one prominent American Jew has said on the subject. Abe Foxman, former National Director of the Anti-Defamation League, says Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump urged supporters at a Florida rally to raise their arms in a Nazi salute to him. "As a Jew who survived the Holocaust, to see an audience of thousands of people raising their hands in what looks like the 'Heil Hitler' salute is about as offensive, obnoxious and disgusting as anything I thought I would ever witness in the United States of America," Foxman told The Times of Israel.

Donald Trump Punning and Funny Headlines

G. I. Joke (New York Daily News, after Trump dissed American POWs by saying he prefers heroes who aren't captured)
Don Voyage! (New York Post, over the same episode)
The Baddest Candidate Ever (Rolling Stone)
Donald Trump piñatas are a "hit" in Mexico! (TIME)
Heidi's Trump Revenge: Don for the Count (New York Post, with Klum wearing her 9.99 t-shirt and Trump in the background looking like a stalker)
Cannonball! (New Yorker cover of Trump "cannonballing" into a pool full of Republican presidential candidates)
Best Sex I've Ever Had (New York Post quote of Marla Maples)
There Will be Hell Toupee (Scotland's Daily Record, after Trump threatened dire repercussions over a wind farm near one of his golf courses)
Donald Trump's 25-year quest to prove that his fingers aren't short (THE WEEK)
Donald Trump and escaped Mexican drug lord El Chapo threaten each other on Twitter (THE WEEK)
Trump believes America is falling to pieces because no one read his book (THE WEEK
Donald Trump boasts he has 'one of the great memories of all time'―but can't remember the last time he apologized (THE WEEK)
Donald Trump says he'd use ISIS to 'scare the pope' into supporting capitalism (THE WEEK)
Donald Trump impersonates Asian negotiators during Iowa rally (THE WEEK)
Trump squeezes 33 insults about the Bush family into a 35-minute interview (THE WEEK)

More Donald Trump Puns


Carmen Yulín Cruz is a hero.
Trump is a zero.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

"I have no reaction. The mayor's living on a cot, and I hope the President has a good day of golf." This was the response of Russel Honoré, the retired general appointed by Bush to take over the federal response to Katrina in 2005. (We think this one is especially worth copying and pasting, sharing and tweeting.)

Donald Trump is a self-made scam.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Nasty women are snatching back their country from Trump, one march at a time.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
There's a new movie in the works about the Trump-Bannon bromance: Fatal Detraction.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Jesus Christ walked on water. Donald Trump walks on slaughter.
Those who stir the shit-pot should have to lick the spoon.―Unknown
That's the kind of "licking" I'd like to see Trump take!—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
I'm not tired of "winning" yet, but the whining sure is getting old.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Max Boot is giving—well, the maximum boot—to Donald Trump by calling him a fascist.―Max Boot (a conservative military historian and foreign policy analyst)
Trump Sics Pence, None the Richer.―Annie-Rose Strasser in a tweet
Trump Pence. Trumppence? "I'd not warrant you a harlot's trumppence, thou foul gobshite."―William Gibson in a tweet
Trump-Pence for their thoughts? Alas, the Donald's aren't worth a farthing!―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump has filed so many bankruptcies that his children have receding heir lines.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump's children will soon star in their own reality TV show, "The Children Are Alt-Right."―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump just announced that if Republicans don't treat him fairly, he will resurrect the Whig party and run as its hair apparent.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump has immense appeal for right-wingnuts, because when the going gets tough, they wig out.―Michael R. Burch
Every political card played by Hillary Clinton has been Trumped; every political note played by The Donald has been Trumpeted.―Michael R. Burch
The schlong and short of it is that Donald Trump is not a mensch but a putz. And he keeps putzing his foot in his mouth.―Michael R. Burch 
Now voters need to put the putz in the unemployment line by saying "You're fired!" at the polls.―Michael R. Burch
George Washington famously could not tell a lie. Donald Trump infamously cannot seem to tell the truth.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump claims to be all backbone, but it seems more like "wish"-bone to me.―Michael R. Burch
Thanks to politicians like George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann and Donald Trump, we now have a duh-mock-racy.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump's foreign policy is the same as his domestic policy and what he tells his kids: "If you disagree with what I say, there will be hell toupée!"―Michael R. Burch
Let's send Don Voyage on a Carnival Cruz to hell, or wherever the hell they came from!―Michael R. Burch

Boycott Trump!
Girlcott him too!
Show the Chump who's boss—
say, "We fire you!"
— Michael R. Burch

How can Christians support Donald Trump and Ted Cruz, when they are as far from being like Jesus Christ as the Marquis de Sade was from Mother Teresa?―Michael R. Burch
Trump insists we don't need another liberal in the Senate. What we really need is another gliberal and fiberal, with octopus-like tentacles, like Trump!
Ask not what you can do for your country, ask how your daughters can service Moore Trump & Co.!
The Republican Party has come a long way, baby. Lincoln appealed to the "better angels" of our nature. Trump wants better angles to grab and grope women's genitals.―Michael R. Burch
Stupor Tuesday came and went and The Donald is still the Republican frontrunner, proving that it is impossible to "misunderestimate" the gullibility of the American public.―Michael R. Burch
Having owned casinos, Donald Trump knows that the house always wins; that's why he wants to control the biggest house of all: the White House.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump has a new pseudonym, "Dire Abby," because he tweets relationship advice such as "your husband is a perv and he smells like old dishwater!"―Michael R. Burch
The Donald clearly believes that he can trump the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Geneva Conventions, the Golden Rule, common decency and old-fashioned horse sense.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump's speaking style has been described as a "word salad," but to me he seems a bit heavy on the "lettuce beet-n-berry" garnishes.―Michael R. Burch
There's no use "splitting Herrs" between Herr Hitler, Herr Trump and Herr Cruz, because fascists of a feather invariably flock together.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump is not just a billionaire, he's a BULLY-on-air and fulla-BULL-on-air.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump says we should boycott Megyn Kelly because she's been mean and unfair to him. But then the whole world should girlcott Trump because he's been mean and unfair to women.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump has promised to make America great again. Ted Cruz, on the other hand, has already made America grate again.―Michael R. Burch
Trump is more of a mall mart-ist than artist; he's more about glitz than ritz. Backlighting marble and plating common objects with minute quantities of gold is hardly the height of art, or fashion.―Michael R. Burch
Trump claims to be Midas, but everything he touches eventually turns to crap—four bankruptcies, Trump University, Trump Airlines, Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka—and that's just the tip of the fool's gold iceberg!―Michael R. Burch
After Donald "Trump of Doom" proved what a tough guy he is by threatening to "take out" Syrian women and children, he was quickly trumped by Ted "Cruz Missile of Doom"―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump Punning Slogans

Grab him by the ballot!―Feminist billboard slogan

The new political equation? Vote = Alt-Write-Delete.

Wall Puns

Who will pay for the Wall?
Trump speaks for the people!
Thus, ewe will pay for it all:
the sheeple.
―Michael R. Burch

Here's yet another Trump-Co.-Incidence: after Trump arranged a $100 billion arms sales to Saudi Arabia, the Saudis "tipped" $100 million to an Ivanka Trump fund.―Michael R. Burch
Can the Con!―Michael R. Burch #CanTheCon
There are rumors that Trump is into golden showers. No surprise there, since he's pissed off (and pissed on) members of his own party.
I am going to bring back a thick stream of jobs to this country! This country will literally be showered with jobs!―Alec Baldwin punning on Trump's alleged yen for "golden showers"
This will be a golden opportunity for me as president to make a big splash!―Alec Baldwin
Does Mr. Putin have pictures of Trump engaging in golden showers with Russian prostitutes? If so, Putin holds the pee-hole card!
Did Donald Trump curtsy to the King of Saudi Arabia? Yes, the Big Dip made a pretty little dip indeed, while accepting the Gilded Collar of al-Saud!
The skinny on the "skinny repeal" is that it sucked!―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump noticed that his Vice President was down in the dumps. So he asked: "Mike, why so pensive? A penny for your thoughts!"
The Vice President looked back with terrible anguish in his eyes and con-fessed: "Because I've been trumped at every turn, like American voters!"
Trump thought for a moment, then said: "Look pal, I want to make things right, so I will double your worth!"
Trump then handed him a tuppence (an English two-pence coin).
Trump is considering a "huge reboot" of the White House ... I hope he starts by kicking his own ass, out the door!―Michael R. Burch
When Trump was asked why he is considering firing his main spokesman, he replied: "Because Sean lacks Spice!"―Michael R. Burch
Never fear, Trump is here, and he will continue to "brief" Americans ... in the wee hours, when he tweets anguished missives in his briefs.―Michael R. Burch
Emma Lazarus called Lady Liberty the "Mother of Exiles." Terminator Trump has turned her into the "Smotherer of Exiles."―Michael R. Burch
In the Kremlin the top-secret plan for Putin to control Trump is code-named "The Taming of the Orange Shrew."―Michael R. Burch
Trump continues to restock the swamp, adding yet another Goldman Sachs bigwig to his "pool" of advisers (if you'll pardon the pun). Gary Cohn said the Trump administration's goal of deregulating financial markets "has nothing to do with Goldman Sachs." Yes, and he has some lovely swampland to sell you at YUGELY inflated prices! In the past, to "sack" a city was to besiege, destroy, then plunder it. We are now watching the Goldmans "sach" and loot Washington, DC.
Trump gold-plating his toilets is a perfect metaphor for his administration's methods.―Michael R. Burch
Russia had Peter the Great. Germany had Frederick the Great. But Americans have been shortchanged, because our first dictator is Donald the Ingrate!―Michael R. Burch
Harry Truman said "The buck stops here!" But with The Donald it's "The muck starts here!"
The ban is on, thanks to Acting President Bannon.―Michael R. Burch
Trump keeps rushin' into Russian arms for love, comfort and protection. How Mr. Putin loves his squishy little orange Teddy Bear! Or is Putin cynically using Trump to destroy the United States?―Michael R. Burch
When will Trump's followers admit that their Great White Hope is really a Great White Dope?―Michael R. Burch
Now the Trump Card has been played, and it's the Joker—a Royal Fool.
Ronald Reagan's message was morning in America. Trump's message is mourning in AmeriKKKa.―Michael R. Burch
Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway, aka Miss Misinformation, never dredged up a lie that she couldn't peddle like fool's gold to amateur prospectors.―Michael R. Burch
Men should not dick-tate to women, if you'll pardon the pun. Nor should they kiss and grope women without their consent. Impeach the leech!―Michael R. Burch
American voters have just been TRUMPED! Somehow, the Donald managed to switch and stack the deck ... now Jokers and Wild Cards rule!―Michael R. Burch
According to Donald Trump, a bush in the hand is worth two unmolested birds.―Michael R. Burch (after Trump was caught bragging to Billy Bush about how fame gives him free access to grope "bush")
What did one jaundiced Trump supporter say to a gaggle of jaundiced Trump supporters? Let's have an orangy!―Michael R. Burch
The Donald had "comey-hither" eyes for FBI Director James Comey.―Michael R. Burch
Once again, Americans have misheard Trump. He didn't run for American President, he ran for AmeriKLAN PR Resident, and won.
A friend of mine lamented that Trump and his supporters have a medieval mindset. I replied, "No, they are positively Med-Evil, pardon the pun.
Donald Trump is no peach, so let's impeach him.―Michael R. Burch

Q: How does Donald Trump confirm Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
A: Everything is "relative" to Trump and his YUGE ego is warping our space and time.

Q: Why is Donald Trump certain to win a Nobel for theoretical physics?
A: Trump proved that Newton's f=ma applies to politics, where Force=Mass (massive stupidity) times Asseleration (Trump's tweets).

Other Political Puns

Heidi Cruz said she was attracted to her future husband's "movie star" looks. Now there are rumors that Ted Cruz will star as himself in a movie about his alleged affair with a hooker: The Floozy and the Beast.
Ted Cruz, the Holy Cruzader, is a modern-day Jean D'Arc (i.e., Dark). Like Darth Vader, he surrendered to the Dark Side and became addicted to its influences.
John McCain called Ted Cruz a "wacko" bird, but according to Cruz's college roommate Craig Manzin, Cruz is a "whack-off" bird who hypocritically tried to prevent other people from touching themselves "down there."
There is no need for Ted Cruz to use absurd Big-Brother-ish laws to keep other people from whacking off. All he has to do is publish one picture of his ghoulish face in the throes of self-gratification, and millions of American men will no longer be able to perform. Millions of American women will immediately swear off all forms of sex forever. The over-population problem will quickly be solved, as birth rates plummet around the globe when the picture goes viral. Meanwhile, Creepy Ted Cruz can don his paisley robe and "cruz" for sex with peacocks, frilled reptiles, and other lower life forms. He need have no fears about charges of bestiality, since he is so beastly himself.

FRUITS OF THE SPIRIT, OR JUST LOW-HANGING FRUITS? According to the Bible, the fruits of the Spirit are "love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." As far as I can tell, the current Republican presidential frontrunners exhibit precious little fruit of the Spirit. (They do seem like "fruits," however, as in "crazy.") Donald Trump is the antithesis of Jesus, being a proud, arrogant man who seems to value only money, power, domination, fame and sex. He admitted that he never asks God for forgiveness, and he insulted Holy Communion by speaking dismissively of it as his "little bread" and "little wine." Would any real Christian speak of Holy Communion so lightly? Ted Cruz has been called the most loathed person in American politics, which is understandable because creepiness seems to ooze from his pores! He tries to come off as genial in some of his ads, but I doubt that he's fooling anyone. Does it make any sense whatsoever for Christians to vote for politicians who are nothing like Christ and reject his main ethical teaching: to help the poor, widows and orphans? Trump and Cruz are not talking about helping widows and orphans, but turning our backs on them if they are not Christian. Have they never read the Parable of the Good Samaritan, in which Jesus clearly taught that Christians should put aside religious differences to help people of other faiths who have fallen on hard times? Jesus was born into a family in Palestine that was told there was "no room" for a pregnant woman and her baby. Trump and Cruz would clearly have turned their backs on Joseph, Mary and Jesus because they were refugees from the "wrong" part of the world, and not Christians! Is that Christian, really?

Let's send Don Voyage on a Carnival Cruz to some remote island where the Trump of Doom and Mr. Cruz Missile can consummate their fascist love affair without dragging the rest of us into WWIII. They're both talking calmly (but not rationally) about carpet bombing the Middle East, killing god-knows-how-many women and children in the process. Cruz said that as president he would carpet bomb parts of the Middle East with nukes to see if the sands will glow at night. What kind of monster jokes about something like that? Trump wants to turn the American soldiers into serial killers of widows and orphans, tracking them down and "taking them out" (murder!) or causing them to "suffer," as "retribution" for acts of terrorism they didn't commit. Military and security experts keep pointing out that targeting women and children is immoral, illegal according to the Geneva Conventions, and counter-productive. It will not make anyone safer or more secure. No sane person brags about carpet bombing anyone, much less women and children. Trump and Cruz belong together ... far, far away from those of us who are sane, on some deserted tropical island.―Michael R. Burch

The other Republican presidential candidates don't stand a chance against the Trump of Doom. The Donald out-foxed the Fox Network; he's a bigger rube than Rubio; he's twice as bush as Jeb; his campaign is on Cruz control; he can out-cookie Christie; he's randier than Rand; he mocks Carson daily; and all Carly does is sing "You're So Vain."―Michael R. Burch

The GOP's problem in a nut-shell (if you'll pardon the pun) is that all its presidential candidates are nuts, not just the Teflon Don. No, wait, I take it back ... George Pataki may not be completely crazy. And that's why he has such appeal for the saner Republican voters: all 0.6% of them!―Michael R. Burch

There once was a brash billionaire
who couldn't afford decent hair.
Vexed voters agreed,
"We're a nation in need!"
But toupée the price, do we dare?
— Michael R. Burch

Things that go bump in the night
fill Herr Trump with irrational fright;
his brain hits the skids;
he shrieks, "Murder kids!"
Where's his self-alleged "courage" and "might"?
Is cowardice Trump's kryptonite?
— Michael R. Burch

Trump's latest idea to "make American great again" is a real doozy that puts him in the same category as Herr Hitler. Asked during a Fox News interview about civilian casualties in the war on terror, Herr Trump replied: "We're fighting a very politically correct war [by seeking to avoid harming civilians] ... And the other thing is with the terrorists, you have to take out their families. When you get these terrorists, you have to take out their families. They care about their lives, don't kid yourself. But they say they don't care about their lives. You have to take out their families." So according to Herr Trump it is "politically correct" (i.e., very bad) to try to avoid killing women and children, and the best way to "win" the war on terror is to become serial killers of women and children ourselves! Herr Trump, welcome to the club that includes Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedong, Pol Pot, Idi Amin, Ivan the Terrible, Attila the Hun and Genghis Khan! What a tough guy, what a hero, what a leader of men! Sieg Heil, Herr Trump!

A pale neo-Nazi, Herr Trump,
screamed "Take them all out!" at the stump:
"Mothers and kiddies!
Grandpappies, old biddies!
Just blow up the whole damn dump!"
— Michael R. Burch

More Donald Trump Puns

Toupée or not toupée for the Great Wall of Mexico: that is the hair-raising question created by Donald Trump's candidacy.―Michael R. Burch
President Obama contends that charges he is "not really an American" have been trumped up by The Donald.―Michael R. Burch
This Halloween the Great Pumpkin will be replaced by the Great Orange Trumpkin.―Anonymous
Donald Trump was a liberal until he asked himself, "Should I combover to the right?"―Michael R. Burch
While Donald Trump once again threatens to run as an Independent, his hair prefers to run as a Whig with the slogan "We shall overcomb!"―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump has decided to boy-cott the Bill O'Reilly show and girl-cott the Megyn Kelly show.―Michael R. Burch
I hate it when my puns are trumped by the Real Donald Trump being even stranger and more bizarre than fiction.―Michael R. Burch
Trumpet in 2016 with a real BANG by voting for The Donald and his headlong rush into WWIII against Russia, China, Syria and Iran!―Michael R. Burch
Or is it time to trump "The Donald" by voting for someone with a functional heart and brain?―Michael R. Burch

@tadfriend Ben Carson not just concerned about Hummus terror threat, but about dire situation in Baba Ghanoush and Tabouli! (Ben Carson repeatedly mispronounced Hamas during a speech.)

Do we really want Cruz Control? Ted Cruz is like the chocoholic who, told that one small square of dark chocolate per day can be good for the heart, guzzles down gallons of sugary milk chocolate syrup every few hours. He takes every conservative idea to absurd extremes. And he appears to be the long-lost son of Paul Bearer, the funeral parlor "manager" of the Undertaker. He looks like death warmed over and his policies are.―Michael R. Burch

Q: What is the Trump card in a tarot deck?
A: The Fool.

Q: What is the Trump card in a poker deck?
A: The Joker.

Q: What did the fortune teller predict when she saw the young Donald Trump?
A: Hair today, gone tomorrow!

Q: How does Donald Trump plan to deport eleven million illegal immigrants?
A: Juan by Juan.

Q: Why are Muslims concerned about Trump's deportation plan?
A: Because when you deport Juan you deport Jamal.

Q: What is Donald Trump's favorite chapter of the Bible?
A: Chapter Eleven.

Q: Why should American voters fire Donald Trump?
A: Because the last thing we need is a Celebrity Apprentice as commander-in-chief!

Q: How can Donald Trump make sure that Planned Parenthood is shut down and never recovers?
A: By converting its centers into Trump casinos.

Q: How is Donald Trump like Abraham Lincoln?
A: Lincoln refused to abandon his Whig principles, while Trump refuses to abandon his principle wig.

Q: Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be First Lady?
A: She doesn't want to be seen slumming with all those poor bastards in the White House!

Q: What is the latest Trump business?
A: A breakfast drink called Orangutang. One sip and space cadets go ape.

Q: What will voters say to Donald Trump when he fails to keep his campaign promises?
A: You're fired!

Q: What is Donald Trump's campaign slogan?
A: We shall overcomb!

Q: What will the rebadged Air Force One be called when Donald Trump is president?
A: Hair Force One.

Q: What is The Donald's favorite musical instrument?
A: The trumpet.

Q: What is Donald Trump's favorite occupation?
A: Trumpeting his own praises.

Q: How did Jeb Bush lose the first debate?
A: He got Trumped.

Q: What food group does Donald Trump dine on exclusively?
A: Crow.

Q: What is the Great White Hope of America called?
A: Trumpback whale (because The Donald could stand to lose a few pounds along with tons of arrogance and ego).

Q: What is Donald Trump's favorite car?
A: Trump Spitfire.

Q: What is the difference between a Triumph Spitfire and a Trump Spitfire?
A: There is no difference. They are both racy foreign models that look great topless, are high maintenance, and seldom ever work.

For those too young to remember, there was once a racy little convertible sports car called the Triumph Spitfire.

Who's there?
Trump who?
Trump of Doom. Take me as your leader!

Donald Trump is aptly named;
we've all been gamed.
—Michael R. Burch

If we don't dump
the chump'll
us in the rump!
— Michael R. Burch

like a malignant lump!
— Michael R. Burch

Trumpisms: Donald Trump Coinages, by Michael R. Burch

Trump Change: (n.) chump change with a few extra zeroes tacked on
Trumpageddon (n.) Armageddon, only much worse because we have to listen to Donald Trump brag about his superiority while he destroys the world
Trumpaholic (n.) someone addicted to his own bullshit
Trumpbone (n.) a musical instrument similar to a trombone that plays only discordant notes
Trumpass (n.) a compass that always points at one's ass
Trumpathon: (n.) a TV event in which Donald Trump goes on and on and on about how rich, successful and good looking he is
Trumpectomy (n.) a type of brain surgery similar to a lobotomy in which an oversized ego is removed
Trumpet (n.) a mouthpiece only good for constantly tooting one's own horn
Trumpetry (n.) the art of constantly tooting one's own horn.
Trumpism (n.) anything that is wildly exaggerated in a boorish fashion
Trumple (v.) to trample and crumple, while insulting one's victims in the process
Trumplestiltskin (n.) the title of a book about a man who falls asleep, dreams that he is the king of the world, and never wakes up from his absurd fantasy
Trumposity (n.) the quality of being pompous, loud and overbearing
Trumptanic (n.) the name of a ship that has been advertised to be "unsinkable" but in reality is so full of holes that it can never leave dry dock
Trumptastic (adj.) something purported to be wonderful that turns out to be horse hockey
Trumpupmanship (n.) claiming to be better than everyone at everything
Trumputopia (n.) a mythical land in which alpha male chauvinism rules and everything is magically "great"
Anchor husband (n.) a rich American man who marries foreign supermodels so that they can live in the US "legally"
Con-serve-ative (n.) a reality TV star who cons gullible people into believing that he wants to serve them, rather than vice versa
Con-fusion (n.) the chaos produced when a con-serve-ative convinces gullible people that he will "help them come together"
Con-flation (n.) what our economy will experience after Donald Trump has conned us into electing him president
Mock-umentary (n.) a documentary of Donald Trump mocking everything and everyone in sight

Etymology and History of the Name "Trump"

Trump is an early English surname derived from the pre-8th century Olde French Trompeor. It is a metonymic or job descriptive name either for a trumpeter or a maker of trumpets. Originally to "trump" meant "to forge, fabricate, deceive or cheat" (as in our modern expression "trumped up.") A 19th-century etymological dictionary explains that "quacks and mountebanks" attracted attention by blowing a horn then swindling people. The older term also had connotations of mocking and playing the fool. Does any of this sound familiar, ring a bell?
The highest-ranking trump card in a tarot deck is the Fool.
The highest-ranking trump card in British euchre is the Joker.
Donald Trump's ancestors were Germans called the Drumpfs, so it is really Donald Drumpf running for president.

Check out our newest nickname pages for Badass Ruth Bader Ginsburg aka The Notorious R.G.B. and Secretary of Dead-ucation Betsy DeVos aka Cruella DeVile and DeVil DeVos.

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