The Best Donald Trump Puns, Limericks, Jokes, Tom Swifties, Wellerisms and Coinages
These are the best Donald Trump puns that I have been able to find, along with some that I came up with myself. A pun is a play on words, for purposes of humor and/or making a sharp point. A rather obvious pun is that The Donald has "trumped" Jeb Bush and other presidential candidates by "trumpeting" his own accomplishments. But there are other more subtle puns: for instance, comparisons of Trump's "wig" to his "Whig"-like politics. (The Whig party was infiltrated by racist, anti-immigration white supremacists known as "know-nothings" and eventually disintegrated.) A good pun can be simultaneously funny, thought-provoking, and enlightening. For instance, SNL's Drunk Uncle, professing to admire Donald Trump, gushed: "He's gonna make America grapes again!" Obviously "grapes" is a pun on "great." But what does the pun mean? Perhaps the punster is punning on the "grapes of wrath" of the Civil War, which was fought over racism. And so, while the Drunk Uncle seems to be a "fan" of Trump, through irony the pun's creator may be suggesting that we need to think about who Trump is, what he stands for, and what may happen if we elect him president. Do we really want a racist know-nothing in the White House, heading our government and military? (Since I wrote this intro, Trump has been elected president, so we are about to find out.―Michael R. Burch)
Cannonball! Donald "Trump of Doom" enters the American political waters, causing a mass Exodus ... but can he really walk on water as his fervent and fervid disciples seem to believe?
Top Ten Donald Trump Puns
If Donald Trump gets elected, there'll be hell toupée.―Anonymous
When Trump is elected we will all have toupée the price.―Ryan Bourassa
Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Trump supporters voted for change, and boy, are they going to get it!―Garrison Keillor, who calls Trump the "boy president"
Donald Trump piñatas are a big "hit" in Mexico.―Jacob Davidson
Americans have been mishearing The Donald: what he really meant is that he will make America grate again, after which many people with darker skin will migrate again.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.―Stephen Colbert
Trump has Republicans Whig-ing out.―Chris Ladd (the Whig party catered to white supremacists called "know-nothings" and disintegrated as a result)
Trump is taking us from unprecedented to unpresidented.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
The Donald trumpets that the news is "all Trump, all the time." That's true, but only because catastrophes invariably dominate the headlines.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
These are clearly the end times, and now we know why the ancient prophets spoke of a "little horn" and the Trump of Doom.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
To see how Trump fulfills Biblical prophecies about the Antichrist, please click the hyperlink.
Currently Rising and Trending
Barr that bromance! GOP senators are promising that Attorney General nominee William Barr won't touch Robert Mueller's probe!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
I know you don't believe in climate change but a storm's a-coming, baby.―Stormy Daniels on SNL
If Trump has a movement behind him, a bowel must be involved.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
The House of Gaud is apparently in bed with the rich and powerful House of Saud. After all, someone has to pay for all those expensive golden commodes!
A border wall by any other name would be as tweet.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
The Trump presidency is a joke, but it's no laughing matter.―Graydon Carter
Donald Trump is guilty of high crimes and his demeanor.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
"Give 'em Hell" Harry S. Truman said, "The buck stops here."
"Shill 'em Well" Donald J. Trump said, "The buck stops with everyone."
Donald Trump is living up to his name by putting Americans through the DTs.
I was shocked but not surprised by the revelation that the FBI had launched a counterintelligence investigation of Trump. It seems completely obvious that Putin's wish is Trump's command. My only question is whether Trump is a witting, unwitting or witless agent of Russia.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
ICE has been living up to its frigid acronym by putting undocumented immigrants in hieleras—the Spanish word for "iceboxes" or "freezers." We have seen numerous pictures of children shivering under foil-like Mylar blankets and there are reports of some of them turning blue from the extreme cold.
Trump turned down General James Mattis's offer to remain as Secretary of Defense long enough to ensure a smooth transition. Trump then tweeted that he was "fixing" the American military. Apparently he meant "fixing" as in emasculating and neutering.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Trump has a new series of self-help books coming out: The Art of the Spiel, The Art of the Squeal, The Art of the Appeal, The Art of the Misdeal, The Art of the Surreal, and The Art of the Feel (for budding genital gropers).
Donald Trump, Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen are partners in grime.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
The Art of the Trumpism: Properly Interpreting Trump
"America first" means "America worst."
"Make America great again" is a misspelling; it should be "grate."
"National Defense" means highly offensive offense.
"Civil Rights" means uncivil slights.
Tom Swifties (also known as Wellerisms)
"What the hell is that woman up to now?" cried Donald stormily.―Michael R. Burch
"The Iran deal is dead," Donald hissed cryptically.―Michael R. Burch
The Donald gushed, "I just love golden showers!"―Michael R. Burch
"Yes, Howard, you can call my daughter a piece of ass," Donald approved sternly.―Michael R. Burch
"My sex organ is YUGE," Donald crowed cockily.―Michael R. Burch
"I just love to toot my own horn!" The Donald trumpeted.―Michael R. Burch
"All that glitters is gold!" The Donald glowed.―Michael R. Burch
"Who left the seat of my golden toilet down?" Donald asked peevishly.―a new take on a golden oldie
"Stormy, watch what you're doing with that paddle!" cried Donald, awestruck.―a new take on a golden oldie
"There are no bats in my belfry," said Donald loftily.―Michael R. Burch
Trump has the face that launched a thousand shocks.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
To reboot American democracy the key stroke is ALT-RIGHT-DELETE.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
At least Trump pulls out when he promises to. If only his father had done the same!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Trump wants to build border walls and shut down immigration of people with darker skin. Beware, the ICE man cometh!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Signs of the Resistance: Actual Signs Carried by Trump Protesters
Today we march, tomorrow we RUN for office!
Keep your tiny hands off my button!
Our button's bigger than yours! (With a picture of a ballot.)
Girls just wanna have fundamental human rights.
Tweet women with respect!
I've seen smarter cabinets at IKEA!
Elect a clown, get a circus!
We need to talk about the Elephant in the womb! (With a picture of the GOP elephant.)
Impeach the orange.
Q: What do you call it when a Man-Baby takes over the American government?
A: Coup d'Tot.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Q: What do you call it when the Kremlin, Trump Tower and white nationalists unite?
A: Putin' on the Ritz Cracker.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Q: What do you call a female member of Congress with a smart phone, if she's a Republican?
A: An app-a-rat-chick.
Trump's unspeakable, and yet he will continue to speak.―Hugh Laurie
Trump is so divorced from the Truth, he should pay it alimony.―Elizabeth Harris Burch aka @ladydragyn
Repealing DACA in order to MAGA is a load of CACA.―Stephen Colbert
Trump may not have the best chance of winning, but he certainly does of whining.―Bernie Shine
What did Donald Trump say when he declared bankruptcy? "I don't have toupée!"―Jimmy Kimmel's Indian joke outsourcers
I oppose Donald Trump over religious differences: he thinks he's God, I don't.―Anonymous (a new take on a golden oldie)
Trump has taken the "adult" out of adultery. The religious right has taken the right out of religion.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Bill Clinton tried to keep his affairs private. Donald Trump makes his privates an international affair.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
It's FAKE NEWS that Donald Trump has no experience in foreign affairs. Hell, two of his foreign affairs resulted in marriages!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Donald Trump accused Huma Abedin of sharing state secrets with her husband. I think Trump clearly lacks a sense of Huma.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Trump gives new meaning to the term "March Madness." He's mad as a March hare, and his hair's insane to boot!
It was a very touching scene when Donald Trump—gasping for breath on his political deathbed—begged Roy Moore to "Win one for the GROPER!"
Q: Why did Trump endorse Roy Moore?
A: Predators of a feather flock together.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
After once again failing to get Mexico, American taxpayers or the military to build his wall, Donald Trump has bowed to more powerful forces and is writing a sequel to his bestseller, to be titled The Art of the Kneel.
Under Trump the United States has become the land of the plea and the home of the knave.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
With Trump as the Big Cheese, conservatives are making America grate again.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
It is FAKE NEWS that Trump is not a history expert. You just have to spell it correctly: "his story."—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Trump is not a mere dispenser of "fake news" as some liberals claim! He goes yugely beyond that with FAKE NEWS SPEWS.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Trump supporters continue to stand by their sham.―Michael R. Burch
Trump has a new plan to plan to advance his "agenda." He will rally his troupe around the troops.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
TrumpCare is clearly a rush to fudgement!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Trump whitens and brightens his money the old-fashioned way. He launders it.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
A recent poll indicates that 36% of Republicans still approve of Trump. In related news, scientists have just confirmed that 36% of Republicans are deaf, blind and very, very dumb!―Michael R. Burch
The weak-minded invariably prefer strongmen, and that explains why Tweety's all a-twitter over barechested Vlad.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Harry S. Truman: The buck stops here.
Donald J. Trump: The buck stops elsewhere, except when I'm getting paid off, preferably in Russian rubles!
Mr. Art of the Deal admits he's been using immigrant children as a negotiating tool, which makes him the tool of the Devil. And we'd expect the spawn of the Father of Lies to spawn lies on a daily basis, which Trump does, further confirming his dark heritage.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
It flies in the face of reason that the American President is the Lord of the Flies.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
ABC "barred" the door to the racism of Trump's biggest fan, Roseanne Barr.
T'gether Trump and Roseanne 're makin' 'Murica grate again, 'specially wit' them thar cute ape jokes!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Jimmy Kimmel, choking on tears after 17 Florida high school students were murdered in yet another senseless massacre, said: "You say this is a mental health issue, but one of your first acts as president, Mr. Trump, was to roll back the regulations that were designed to keep firearms out of the hands of the mentally ill. You did that. Your party voted to repeal the mandates on coverage for mental health. I agree this is a mental illness issue. Because if you don’t think we need to do something about it, you’re obviously mentally ill."
Trump has given new meaning to the term "cock crowing."
According to Jimmy Kimmel, the Trump's "America first" slogan is more like "America last." Kimmel ordered a bunch of merchandise from a Trump website, and not a single item was proudly labeled "Made in America." Most of the items were labeled "Made in China" or countries like Thailand and Peru. Two of the items were not labeled at all, a clear violation of American law if they were made overseas. But in any case, there was nothing labeled "Made in America." Kimmel pointed out that Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump act like American flags wearing hair gel, but they fail to walk the walk. Lock 'em up and throw away the key!
Trump put the "ire" in Ireland when he threatened to visit there, but the natives were playing "Ode to Joy" after his trip was canceled.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Paul Manafort's name is prophetic. He will soon man a fort (a stockade known as a "federal prison").—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
There will be a zany musical about the Trump administration: Springtime for Shitler. That's "spring" as in everyone trying to spring themselves from jail. Alec Baldwin will of course play Trump. The rest of the cast will be hardcore felons, for purposes of realism. The producer? Mr. Putin, of course, laughing his ass off at all the chaos he created.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
The entire GOP now consists of apparatchiks; they've built their careers on toeing the party line, and neither obvious obstruction of justice nor clear evidence of collusion with a foreign power will make them take a stand.—Nobel Laureate Paul Krugman
Donald Trump crowned Vladimir Putin's girlfriend Miss Universe in 2002. What are the odds? Was it payback for loads of dirty laundry washed clean by Putin's rubles?
The Best Donald Trump Putin Jokes
Society is now one polish’d horde,
Form’d of two mighty tribes, the Bores and Bored.
—Lord Byron in his epic farce "Don Juan"
Trump will declare North Korea a state sponsor of terror.―New York Post
North Korea will declare Trump a pate tonsure of error.―Michael R. Burch
The new adventures of Tweety Blurred ...
Tweety Twump is taking us from unpwecedented to unpwesidented.―Michael R. Burch
Tweety has a new plan to plan to advance his cartoonish "agenda." He will wally his twoupe around the twoops.―Michael R. Burch
Tweety lacks the power of reason, but he compensates with the power of TWEASON!―Michael R. Burch
Tweety's no conservative; he's a conswervative (emphasis on "con").―Michael R. Burch
TwumpCawe is a wush to fudgement!―Michael R. Burch\
Tweety thot he saw a puddy tat ... so he gwoped it!―Michael R. Burch
Trump has gone wildly beyond toxic ... he's now Foxic!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
It is FAKE NEWS that Trump has no values! He clearly values HIMSELF, yugely! Now quit whining and worship him properly, as he worships THE DONALD!
A man who boasts of his sexual prowess should have his prow removed.―Sikhspak Chapra
It's true! Americans are flipping over Donald Trump ... over to the Democratic Party.
Former CIA Director John Brennan testified that Russia "brazenly" interfered in the presidential election. In fact, the only thing more brazen that Russia's interference is Trump's bronzer!
The Best Donald Trump Russia Jokes
The swamp drained Trump, according to Republican congressman Justin Amash of Michigan. Now Trump is being mocked by his own party. For instance, Thomas Massie, a Kentucky Tea Party conservative, tweeted: "@RealDonaldTrump It's a swamp not a hot tub. We both came here to drain it. #SwampCare polls 17%. Sad!"
All those political jokes were bound to backfire. Now one has been elected president and the yoke's on us!―The ghost of Groucho Marx
Six Russian diplomats have died since November and they apparently appeared in Trump's MI6 dossier. While Trump is puttin' on the Ritz, is Putin puttin' on the Hits?
Women who work with the West Wing-Nut should be entitled to hazardous booty pay.―Michael R. Burch
Bill O'Reilly's podcasts will allow him to continue to reach the pod people.―Michael R. Burch
Trump has always been a bully. Now he has the world's biggest bully pulpit.―Michael R. Burch
The good news is that Bannon has been banished. The bad news is that Reince Priebus is staying, so "Reince twice and spit!"―Michael R. Burch
Reporting about Trump's golden showers is the worst kind of yellow journalism. And even though jokes about this story are a golden opportunity, I just won't do it. Not to say the story didn't make a huge splash—it did. It flooded Twitter, I mean. We'll keep you up to date as facts trickle in. And we have our best researcher working on it—she's a real whiz. And one thing is for sure: The president-elect is a Goldwater Republican who truly believes in trickle-down!―Stephen Colbert
Mueller's trap is closing, thanks to Tweety's constantly being open. Tweety's singing like a canary, in his tweets. It would be an open and shut case, except that Tweety seems incapable of shutting up. —Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Tweety's goose is cooked. It's hard to imagine there isn't a smorgasbord of foie gras just waiting to be sampled by Robert Mueller and his "follow the money" experts.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte says female rebels should be shot in the genitals to render them "useless.'' In related news, President Pussygrabber has volunteered to "snatch" the women while Duterte "cocks" and fires.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Trump's movement is great ... for a bowel movement.―Michael R. Burch
Trump has infallible hindsight because his head is always up his ass.―Michael R. Burch
Some people have sex appeal. The Donald has hex appeal.―Michael R. Burch
Will Trump be so rank that he rankles Republican ranks?―Michael R. Burch
Trump obviously plans to put the United States where he put Trump Vodka: on the rocks.―Michael R. Burch
When Americans put a Big Whig in charge of the nuclear codes, the world may have toupée the ultimate price.― Michael R. Burch
He's gonna make America grapes again!―SNL's Drunk Uncle played by Bobby Moynihan (perhaps punning on "the grapes of wrath" and/or "sour grapes")
Q: Why does Al Franken laugh whenever Trump speaks?
A: Because he knows a political joke when he hears one.
When Man-Baby Trump was asked about the firing of James Comey, he sucked his pacifier for a minute, then blabbered: "Easy comey, easy goey!"―Michael R. Burch
Americans keep mishearing Trump. He didn't say that he would be "hard on" Russia and China. He said that he has a "hard on" for Russia and China.―Michael R. Burch
To trump Trump or not to trump, that is the question. It's rhetorical.―Michael R. Burch
The new Republican Party slogan is: "Let's party like it's 1999 (BC)!"―Michael R. Burch
Would Donald Trump create an American Holocaust by deporting 11 million people, including multitudes of completely innocent children and their mothers? Is Trump the second coming of Adolph Hitler? Yes, nicknames like Hair Hitler and Hair Furor are amusing, but are they also accurate, and perhaps prophetic?
Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast
Okay, this is going to sound crazy, but I swear I'm not making it up. The Trump family owns the most expensive building in the United Sates, at 666 Fifth Avenue, a street that symbolizes money (Mammon). Seriously. And according to multiple reports the Trumps are in the process of building another building at One Journal Square that will be 666 feet tall, and cost $666 million dollars. No, I am not pulling your leg! The Bible says that in the last days the anti-Christ will deceive even the very elect. Who endorsed Donald Trump? Evangelical heavyweights like Sarah Palin, Franklin Graham and Jerry Falwell Jr. Again, I am not making this up. This is really happening. The facts are presented here:
Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast.
Does it bother you that Donald Trump sounds like the second coming of Adolph Hitler? Does it strike you as odd that evangelical Christians are ecstatically supporting a man who is the complete and utter antithesis of Jesus Christ? Why did the Hebrew prophets warn us about a "little horn" and the Trump of Doom? Were they speaking literally, since a trump is a little horn? There are not one or two or three connections between the Trumps and the number 666. There are many connections. If you click the hyperlink and read the article, you are free to draw your own conclusions.
Thanks to Donald Trump, the Religious Right now supports the Irreligious Wrong.―Michael R. Burch
Xmas is Coming!
Trump is putting the X back in Xmas by X-ing out refugee children and their mothers. If baby Jesus and Mary showed up needing shelter, Santa Claws wouldn't provide them with even a lowly manger. Instead, he'd order American soldiers to drive them back into the wilderness at gunpoint. Meanwhile, this is what the eerie festivities at the White House looked like the last two years: Trump Christmas.
Have a very scary Trump Christmas!
Thanks to the Trumps the eerily-decorated White House now has "one of the scariest hallways in America," according to Gizmodo. Comparisons have been drawn to Snow White’s escape route from the Huntsman, The White Witch’s Narnian forest, and that lovely spot where Voldemort drank a unicorn’s blood. But perhaps we should simply admit that "a cold day in hell" has finally arrived.
Fabulous news for the Trump administration! According to DailyKos, "tens" attended the Trump tree lighting ceremony! (That is not "tens" as in supermodels, but as in small groups of white supremacists who fervidly dream of "all-white" Christmases.)―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Trump, for once, has kept his word by putting the "Christ" back in Christmas. On a daily basis, he makes 300 million Americans gasp and say "Jesus Christ, what is Trump up to now?"―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
With Trump at the reins, instead of Santa's Sleigh we now have Satan's Slay.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Christmas is coming!
Tycoons are getting fat!
Please put donations
in the Fat Cat's Hat.
If you haven't got a penny
he'll toss you in the stew,
but if you've got a billion
then may TRUMP bless you!
―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump Punning Nicknames
Trump of Doom (pun on the Biblical instrument that heralds the Day of Doom)
Hair Hitler (pun on Herr Hitler)
The New Furor (pun on Führer, the German word for "leader")
Darth Hater (pun on Darth Vader)
Dire Abby (because Trumps tweets relationship advice similar to "Dear Abby" but it's usually extremely negative, like "dump the slut!")
King of the Whoppers (because The Donald's lies are so huge and outrageous)
Fifth Avenue Freeze-Out (because Donald Trump tried to deny American vets the right to street vend on Fifth Avenue, while selling expensive baubles there himself)
Master Debater (because Trump claims that he won every debate; also because he masturbates his ego during debates)
King Tut (because Trump's insults make billions of people go "Tut, tut, tut!")
New York Pork Dork (because Trump hails from New York and has wild spending plans, called "pork projects" in political circles)
A number of Trump nicknames are related to fascism, such as "Hair Hitler," "Hair Furor" and "The New Furor." Are such accusations warranted? Well, Hair Hitler talking about Muslims does sound a lot like Herr Hitler talking about Jews. Here's what one prominent American Jew has said on the subject. Abe Foxman, former National Director of the Anti-Defamation League, says Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump urged supporters at a Florida rally to raise their arms in a Nazi salute to him. "As a Jew who survived the Holocaust, to see an audience of thousands of people raising their hands in what looks like the 'Heil Hitler' salute is about as offensive, obnoxious and disgusting as anything I thought I would ever witness in the United States of America," Foxman told The Times of Israel.
Donald Trump Punning and Funny Headlines
G. I. Joke (New York Daily News, after Trump dissed American POWs by saying he prefers heroes who aren't captured)
Don Voyage! (New York Post, over the same episode)
The Baddest Candidate Ever (Rolling Stone)
Donald Trump piñatas are a "hit" in Mexico! (TIME)
Heidi's Trump Revenge: Don for the Count (New York Post, with Klum wearing her 9.99 t-shirt and Trump in the background looking like a stalker)
Cannonball! (New Yorker cover of Trump "cannonballing" into a pool full of Republican presidential candidates)
Best Sex I've Ever Had (New York Post quote of Marla Maples)
There Will be Hell Toupee (Scotland's Daily Record, after Trump threatened dire repercussions over a wind farm near one of his golf courses)
Donald Trump's 25-year quest to prove that his fingers aren't short (THE WEEK)
Donald Trump and escaped Mexican drug lord El Chapo threaten each other on Twitter (THE WEEK)
Trump believes America is falling to pieces because no one read his book (THE WEEK)
Donald Trump boasts he has 'one of the great memories of all time'―but can't remember the last time he apologized (THE WEEK)
Donald Trump says he'd use ISIS to 'scare the pope' into supporting capitalism (THE WEEK)
Donald Trump impersonates Asian negotiators during Iowa rally (THE WEEK)
Trump squeezes 33 insults about the Bush family into a 35-minute interview (THE WEEK)
More Donald Trump Puns
Carmen Yulín Cruz is a hero.
Trump is a zero.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
"I have no reaction. The mayor's living on a cot, and I hope the President has a good day of golf." This was the response of Russel Honoré, the retired general appointed by Bush to take over the federal response to Katrina in 2005. (We think this one is especially worth copying and pasting, sharing and tweeting.)
Donald Trump is a self-made scam.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Nasty women are snatching back their country from Trump, one march at a time.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
There's a new movie in the works about the Trump-Bannon bromance: Fatal Detraction.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Jesus Christ walked on water. Donald Trump walks on slaughter.
Those who stir the shit-pot should have to lick the spoon.―Unknown
That's the kind of "licking" I'd like to see Trump take!—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
I'm not tired of "winning" yet, but the whining sure is getting old.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Max Boot is giving—well, the maximum boot—to Donald Trump by calling him a fascist.―Max Boot (a conservative military historian and foreign policy analyst)
Trump Sics Pence, None the Richer.―Annie-Rose Strasser in a tweet
Trump Pence. Trumppence? "I'd not warrant you a harlot's trumppence, thou foul gobshite."―William Gibson in a tweet
Trump-Pence for their thoughts? Alas, the Donald's aren't worth a farthing!―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump has filed so many bankruptcies that his children have receding heir lines.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump's children will soon star in their own reality TV show, "The Children Are Alt-Right."―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump just announced that if Republicans don't treat him fairly, he will resurrect the Whig party and run as its hair apparent.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump has immense appeal for right-wingnuts, because when the going gets tough, they wig out.―Michael R. Burch
Every political card played by Hillary Clinton has been Trumped; every political note played by The Donald has been Trumpeted.―Michael R. Burch
The schlong and short of it is that Donald Trump is not a mensch but a putz. And he keeps putzing his foot in his mouth.―Michael R. Burch
Now voters need to put the putz in the unemployment line by saying "You're fired!" at the polls.―Michael R. Burch
George Washington famously could not tell a lie. Donald Trump infamously cannot seem to tell the truth.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump claims to be all backbone, but it seems more like "wish"-bone to me.―Michael R. Burch
Thanks to politicians like George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann and Donald Trump, we now have a duh-mock-racy.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump's foreign policy is the same as his domestic policy and what he tells his kids: "If you disagree with what I say, there will be hell toupée!"―Michael R. Burch
Let's send Don Voyage on a Carnival Cruz to hell, or wherever the hell they came from!―Michael R. Burch
Girlcott him too!
Show the Chump who's boss—
say, "We fire you!"
— Michael R. Burch
How can Christians support Donald Trump and Ted Cruz, when they are as far from being like Jesus Christ as the Marquis de Sade was from Mother Teresa?―Michael R. Burch
Trump insists we don't need another liberal in the Senate. What we really need is another gliberal and fiberal, with octopus-like tentacles, like Trump!
Ask not what you can do for your country, ask how your daughters can service Moore Trump & Co.!
The Republican Party has come a long way, baby. Lincoln appealed to the "better angels" of our nature. Trump wants better angles to grab and grope women's genitals.―Michael R. Burch
Stupor Tuesday came and went and The Donald is still the Republican frontrunner, proving that it is impossible to "misunderestimate" the gullibility of the American public.―Michael R. Burch
Having owned casinos, Donald Trump knows that the house always wins; that's why he wants to control the biggest house of all: the White House.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump has a new pseudonym, "Dire Abby," because he tweets relationship advice such as "your husband is a perv and he smells like old dishwater!"―Michael R. Burch
The Donald clearly believes that he can trump the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Geneva Conventions, the Golden Rule, common decency and old-fashioned horse sense.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump's speaking style has been described as a "word salad," but to me he seems a bit heavy on the "lettuce beet-n-berry" garnishes.―Michael R. Burch
There's no use "splitting Herrs" between Herr Hitler, Herr Trump and Herr Cruz, because fascists of a feather invariably flock together.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump is not just a billionaire, he's a BULLY-on-air and fulla-BULL-on-air.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump says we should boycott Megyn Kelly because she's been mean and unfair to him. But then the whole world should girlcott Trump because he's been mean and unfair to women.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump has promised to make America great again. Ted Cruz, on the other hand, has already made America grate again.―Michael R. Burch
Trump is more of a mall mart-ist than artist; he's more about glitz than ritz. Backlighting marble and plating common objects with minute quantities of gold is hardly the height of art, or fashion.―Michael R. Burch
Trump claims to be Midas, but everything he touches eventually turns to crap—four bankruptcies, Trump University, Trump Airlines, Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka—and that's just the tip of the fool's gold iceberg!―Michael R. Burch
After Donald "Trump of Doom" proved what a tough guy he is by threatening to "take out" Syrian women and children, he was quickly trumped by Ted "Cruz Missile of Doom"―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump Punning Slogans
Grab him by the ballot!―Feminist billboard slogan
The new political equation? Vote = Alt-Write-Delete.
Who will pay for the Wall?
Trump speaks for the people!
Thus, ewe will pay for it all:
―Michael R. Burch
Here's yet another Trump-Co.-Incidence: after Trump arranged a $100 billion arms sales to Saudi Arabia, the Saudis "tipped" $100 million to an Ivanka Trump fund.―Michael R. Burch
Can the Con!―Michael R. Burch #CanTheCon
There are rumors that Trump is into golden showers. No surprise there, since he's pissed off (and pissed on) members of his own party.
I am going to bring back a thick stream of jobs to this country! This country will literally be showered with jobs!―Alec Baldwin punning on Trump's alleged yen for "golden showers"
This will be a golden opportunity for me as president to make a big splash!―Alec Baldwin
Does Mr. Putin have pictures of Trump engaging in golden showers with Russian prostitutes? If so, Putin holds the pee-hole card!
Did Donald Trump curtsy to the King of Saudi Arabia? Yes, the Big Dip made a pretty little dip indeed, while accepting the Gilded Collar of al-Saud!
The skinny on the "skinny repeal" is that it sucked!―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump noticed that his Vice President was down in the dumps. So he asked: "Mike, why so pensive? A penny for your thoughts!"
The Vice President looked back with terrible anguish in his eyes and con-fessed: "Because I've been trumped at every turn, like American voters!"
Trump thought for a moment, then said: "Look pal, I want to make things right, so I will double your worth!"
Trump then handed him a tuppence (an English two-pence coin).
Trump is considering a "huge reboot" of the White House ... I hope he starts by kicking his own ass, out the door!―Michael R. Burch
When Trump was asked why he is considering firing his main spokesman, he replied: "Because Sean lacks Spice!"―Michael R. Burch
Never fear, Trump is here, and he will continue to "brief" Americans ... in the wee hours, when he tweets anguished missives in his briefs.―Michael R. Burch
Emma Lazarus called Lady Liberty the "Mother of Exiles." Terminator Trump has turned her into the "Smotherer of Exiles."―Michael R. Burch
In the Kremlin the top-secret plan for Putin to control Trump is code-named "The Taming of the Orange Shrew."―Michael R. Burch
Trump continues to restock the swamp, adding yet another Goldman Sachs bigwig to his "pool" of advisers (if you'll pardon the pun). Gary Cohn said the Trump administration's goal of deregulating financial markets "has nothing to do with Goldman Sachs." Yes, and he has some lovely swampland to sell you at YUGELY inflated prices! In the past, to "sack" a city was to besiege, destroy, then plunder it. We are now watching the Goldmans "sach" and loot Washington, DC.
Trump gold-plating his toilets is a perfect metaphor for his administration's methods.―Michael R. Burch
Russia had Peter the Great. Germany had Frederick the Great. But Americans have been shortchanged, because our first dictator is Donald the Ingrate!―Michael R. Burch
Harry Truman said "The buck stops here!" But with The Donald it's "The muck starts here!"
The ban is on, thanks to Acting President Bannon.―Michael R. Burch
Trump keeps rushin' into Russian arms for love, comfort and protection. How Mr. Putin loves his squishy little orange Teddy Bear! Or is Putin cynically using Trump to destroy the United States?―Michael R. Burch
When will Trump's followers admit that their Great White Hope is really a Great White Dope?―Michael R. Burch
Now the Trump Card has been played, and it's the Joker—a Royal Fool.
Ronald Reagan's message was morning in America. Trump's message is mourning in AmeriKKKa.―Michael R. Burch
Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway, aka Miss Misinformation, never dredged up a lie that she couldn't peddle like fool's gold to amateur prospectors.―Michael R. Burch
Men should not dick-tate to women, if you'll pardon the pun. Nor should they kiss and grope women without their consent. Impeach the leech!―Michael R. Burch
American voters have just been TRUMPED! Somehow, the Donald managed to switch and stack the deck ... now Jokers and Wild Cards rule!―Michael R. Burch
According to Donald Trump, a bush in the hand is worth two unmolested birds.―Michael R. Burch (after Trump was caught bragging to Billy Bush about how fame gives him free access to grope "bush")
What did one jaundiced Trump supporter say to a gaggle of jaundiced Trump supporters? Let's have an orangy!―Michael R. Burch
The Donald had "comey-hither" eyes for FBI Director James Comey.―Michael R. Burch
Once again, Americans have misheard Trump. He didn't run for American President, he ran for AmeriKLAN PR Resident, and won.
A friend of mine lamented that Trump and his supporters have a medieval mindset. I replied, "No, they are positively Med-Evil, pardon the pun.
Donald Trump is no peach, so let's impeach him.―Michael R. Burch
Q: How does Donald Trump confirm Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
A: Everything is "relative" to Trump and his YUGE ego is warping our space and time.
Q: Why is Donald Trump certain to win a Nobel for theoretical physics?
A: Trump proved that Newton's f=ma applies to politics, where Force=Mass (massive stupidity) times Asseleration (Trump's tweets).
Other Political Puns
Heidi Cruz said she was attracted to her future husband's "movie star" looks. Now there are rumors that Ted Cruz will star as himself in a movie about his alleged affair with a hooker: The Floozy and the Beast.
Ted Cruz, the Holy Cruzader, is a modern-day Jean D'Arc (i.e., Dark). Like Darth Vader, he surrendered to the Dark Side and became addicted to its influences.
John McCain called Ted Cruz a "wacko" bird, but according to Cruz's college roommate Craig Manzin, Cruz is a "whack-off" bird who hypocritically tried to prevent other people from touching themselves "down there."
There is no need for Ted Cruz to use absurd Big-Brother-ish laws to keep other people from whacking off. All he has to do is publish one picture of his ghoulish face in the throes of self-gratification, and millions of American men will no longer be able to perform. Millions of American women will immediately swear off all forms of sex forever. The over-population problem will quickly be solved, as birth rates plummet around the globe when the picture goes viral. Meanwhile, Creepy Ted Cruz can don his paisley robe and "cruz" for sex with peacocks, frilled reptiles, and other lower life forms. He need have no fears about charges of bestiality, since he is so beastly himself.
FRUITS OF THE SPIRIT, OR JUST LOW-HANGING FRUITS? According to the Bible, the fruits of the Spirit are "love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." As far as I can tell, the current Republican presidential frontrunners exhibit precious little fruit of the Spirit. (They do seem like "fruits," however, as in "crazy.") Donald Trump is the antithesis of Jesus, being a proud, arrogant man who seems to value only money, power, domination, fame and sex. He admitted that he never asks God for forgiveness, and he insulted Holy Communion by speaking dismissively of it as his "little bread" and "little wine." Would any real Christian speak of Holy Communion so lightly? Ted Cruz has been called the most loathed person in American politics, which is understandable because creepiness seems to ooze from his pores! He tries to come off as genial in some of his ads, but I doubt that he's fooling anyone. Does it make any sense whatsoever for Christians to vote for politicians who are nothing like Christ and reject his main ethical teaching: to help the poor, widows and orphans? Trump and Cruz are not talking about helping widows and orphans, but turning our backs on them if they are not Christian. Have they never read the Parable of the Good Samaritan, in which Jesus clearly taught that Christians should put aside religious differences to help people of other faiths who have fallen on hard times? Jesus was born into a family in Palestine that was told there was "no room" for a pregnant woman and her baby. Trump and Cruz would clearly have turned their backs on Joseph, Mary and Jesus because they were refugees from the "wrong" part of the world, and not Christians! Is that Christian, really?
Let's send Don Voyage on a Carnival Cruz to some remote island where the Trump of Doom and Mr. Cruz Missile can consummate their fascist love affair without dragging the rest of us into WWIII. They're both talking calmly (but not rationally) about carpet bombing the Middle East, killing god-knows-how-many women and children in the process. Cruz said that as president he would carpet bomb parts of the Middle East with nukes to see if the sands will glow at night. What kind of monster jokes about something like that? Trump wants to turn the American soldiers into serial killers of widows and orphans, tracking them down and "taking them out" (murder!) or causing them to "suffer," as "retribution" for acts of terrorism they didn't commit. Military and security experts keep pointing out that targeting women and children is immoral, illegal according to the Geneva Conventions, and counter-productive. It will not make anyone safer or more secure. No sane person brags about carpet bombing anyone, much less women and children. Trump and Cruz belong together ... far, far away from those of us who are sane, on some deserted tropical island.―Michael R. Burch
The other Republican presidential candidates don't stand a chance against the Trump of Doom. The Donald out-foxed the Fox Network; he's a bigger rube than Rubio; he's twice as bush as Jeb; his campaign is on Cruz control; he can out-cookie Christie; he's randier than Rand; he mocks Carson daily; and all Carly does is sing "You're So Vain."―Michael R. Burch
The GOP's problem in a nut-shell (if you'll pardon the pun) is that all its presidential candidates are nuts, not just the Teflon Don. No, wait, I take it back ... George Pataki may not be completely crazy. And that's why he has such appeal for the saner Republican voters: all 0.6% of them!―Michael R. Burch
There once was a brash billionaire
who couldn't afford decent hair.
Vexed voters agreed,
"We're a nation in need!"
But toupée the price, do we dare?
— Michael R. Burch
Things that go bump in the night
fill Herr Trump with irrational fright;
his brain hits the skids;
he shrieks, "Murder kids!"
Where's his self-alleged "courage" and "might"?
Is cowardice Trump's kryptonite?
— Michael R. Burch
Trump's latest idea to "make American great again" is a real doozy that puts him in the same category as Herr Hitler. Asked during a Fox News interview about civilian casualties in the war on terror, Herr Trump replied: "We're fighting a very politically correct war [by seeking to avoid harming civilians] ... And the other thing is with the terrorists, you have to take out their families. When you get these terrorists, you have to take out their families. They care about their lives, don't kid yourself. But they say they don't care about their lives. You have to take out their families." So according to Herr Trump it is "politically correct" (i.e., very bad) to try to avoid killing women and children, and the best way to "win" the war on terror is to become serial killers of women and children ourselves! Herr Trump, welcome to the club that includes Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedong, Pol Pot, Idi Amin, Ivan the Terrible, Attila the Hun and Genghis Khan! What a tough guy, what a hero, what a leader of men! Sieg Heil, Herr Trump!
A pale neo-Nazi, Herr Trump,
screamed "Take them all out!" at the stump:
"Mothers and kiddies!
Grandpappies, old biddies!
Just blow up the whole damn dump!"
— Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz, aka Mr. Cruz Missile, soon trumped the Trump of Doom by saying: "If I am elected president, we will utterly destroy ISIS. We will carpet bomb them into oblivion! I don't know if sand can glow in the dark, but we're going to find out!" It sounds as if Cruz intends to carpet bomb immense parts of the Middle East with nukes, killing god-knows-how-many women and children in the process. I would like to raise a mock cheer, but suddenly I feel sick to my stomach.
Flee, for the day grows dire.
Danger approaches—be a freedom flier.
Soar over ewes and rams
and the slaughter-bound bleating lambs
with the orange-maned wolf at their head.
Flee, for they'll want you dead.
Fly high, or you'll taste their lead.
What happens when a wolf in sheep's clothing convinces herds of frightened, bleating lambs to go on the warpath? What happened when Hitler convinced Germans that the "real danger" was Jews and the "solution" was to round them up, put them in internment camps, and deport them? What resulted was the Holocaust. What happened when Hitler lied to Germans and persuaded them that they were the "victims" and their "oppressors" were weaker nations like Poland and Czechoslovakia? The result was World War II, with 70 million deaths. What nation has vastly more power than Nazi Germany? The United States today. And so we must be very careful not to repeat the errors of Weimar Germany.
Later, as is his wont, Herr Trump attempted to sit on both sides of the fence. Trump told Bill O'Reilly: "You absolutely have to wipe them out!" But when asked explicitly whether that meant killing suspected terrorists' families, Trump demurred, coyly saying: "I don't want to be so bold ... I'll tell you they would suffer." How will Herr Trump "absolutely" wipe them out without being "so bold"? Will he use his magic wand, or stick pins in voodoo dolls? Should Americans want to make children suffer, and will that somehow make their parents behave better? How can our military be sure that the children only suffer, but don't die, when their homes are destroyed? Will American soldiers obey orders to target homes full of children, then suffer nervous breakdowns as a result? Or will they honorably refuse such nightmarish orders? Does Herr Trump make any sense, or has he lost his last marble?
Herr Trump went on to explain that by making women and children "suffer" he was talking about "retribution" for 9-11 because "They know what was going on ... those wives knew exactly what was happening, the children, everybody knew." Asked how he knows such things, Herr Trump said: "Because I know. Because that's the way life is. Because I'm a realist. That's the way life works. The wives knew what the husbands were going to do." Thus, because we have the benefit of Trump's godly powers, we can make women and children "suffer" for what they knew. But even if they did know, should we take retribution on non-combatants, and would doing so make the world better or worse, safer or less safe? I hope and believe that the vast majority of Americans do not favor harming women and children, meaning that Herr Trump has no business becoming Commander-in-Chief of the world's most powerful military.
"Just so you understand," Trump explained later in a speech in North Carolina, "when the World Trade Center was knocked down, the [terrorists] sent their wives and their families back to Saudi Arabia. Most went back to Saudi. Those wives knew what their husbands were going to do. We never went after them, we never did anything. We have to attack much stronger." Asked for clarification after the event, Trump spokeswoman Hope Hicks told NBC News that, yes, Trump would have gone after the attackers' family members even after the terrorists were dead and no longer a threat to anyone. The candidate had previously told NBC's Katy Tur that the family members of terrorists are "not so innocent." And so, putting this all together, according to Herr Trump the American military and/or covert ops should hunt down widows and orphaned children and either cause them to "suffer" or "take them out," depending on Trump's whim of the day. This will, presumably, keep dead terrorists from reincarnating and attacking again.
Boaz Ganor, a leading Israeli counter-terrorism expert, says Trump's call to "take out" the families of terrorists would run afoul of international law and degrade the moral standing of the U.S. "Any deliberate attacks aimed against civilians is a war crime, regardless if they are family members of terrorists or presidents or presidential candidates," said Ganor, a former consultant to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. "Adopting this policy is immoral and against the common liberal democratic values," added Ganor, the founder and executive director of the International Institute for Counter-Terrorism in Israel. "Deliberate attacks against the terrorist families is blurring the moral differences between the terrorist organizations and the state which is fighting terrorism. This by itself might benefit the terrorists which are trying to claim that they are fighting a moral war against relentless and immoral entity." Ganor, who worked as part of an international anti-terror advisory group to the NYPD after 9/11 and has written extensively about terrorism, told CNN that killing the family members of terrorists also would have little benefit in the effort to stop attacks. "They might just spend more time and resources" on protecting family members, he said. "Nevertheless, I don't think that the threat to kill their families will deter terrorist leaders from being engaged in terrorist activities." Ganor argued that the real danger would be in squandering "one of the most important pillars of counterterrorism: the differences of morality." Asked about Israel's anti-terror efforts, which at times have caused civilian casualties in the West Bank and Gaza and resulted in the country being accused by critics such as Amnesty International of war crimes and human rights violations against Palestinian civilians, Ganor said that family members were not the targets. "Israel activities were always calculated and limited to the immediate goals of thwarting terrorism and the measures that Israel was using in its counter terrorism campaigns where never random nor aimed against civilians even they had family ties with terrorists and their leaders," he said. "The families were not targeted nor even being arrested unless they took part in the terrorist activity, then they would brought to court and be accused in terrorism assistance." The Trump campaign did not respond to a CNN request for comment.
But the Trump of Doom seems unlikely to listen to reason: "I would bomb the s**t out of them. I would just bomb those suckers. And that's right—I'd blow up the pipes. I'd blow up the refineries. I'd blow up every single inch. There would be nothing left. ... It will be beautiful, and I'll take the oil. And I said I'll take the oil." The problem is that this strategy has already been tried, by Dick Cheney, whose plan was to fund the invasion of Iraq by taking Iraqi oil and using the profits to reimburse the US for its war expenses. But the plan didn't work because having American troops on Muslim soil attracted insurgents from around the globe. History tells us that there won't be beautiful American-controlled oil wells and refineries in Iraq, Syria or Iran. Trump is the one who is full of s**t.
Then came the Trump of Doom's latest brainstorm: ban all Muslims from entering the United States! Ironically, Trump's call for a ban on Muslims came hours before he was set to speak aboard the U.S.S. Yorktown, a WWII-era aircraft carrier now parked as a museum ship near Charleston, South Carolina. The battle of Yorktown was fought by the forces of freedom and democracy against the forces of imperialism and fascism. Trump seems determined to turn freedom and democracy into museum pieces by subjecting Americans to a new King George: The Donald Himself.
"Great surveillance and vigilance must be adhered to," Herr Trump said in a statement provided to CNN. "We want to be very fair but too many bad things are happening and the percentage of true hatred is too great. People that are looking to destroy our country must be reported and turned in by the good people who love our country and want America to be great again." Hitler couldn't have said it better, about the Jews.
"I love Muslims. I think they're great people," Trump said during a September campaign stop in Iowa, according to The Huffington Post. Trump also responded to a question from CNN about whether Muslims pose a danger to the country by saying: "I love the Muslims. I think they're great people." When asked by a high school student whether he would consider putting a Muslim in his Cabinet or on his ticket, he said: "Oh, absolutely, no problem with that." But now? Not so much love and respect. Now it's a Hitlerian: "Ban them all! They're all dirty, dark and dangerous!"
How does a man go from so much "love" to such wild aspersions in such a short period of time? I'm inclined to agree with Jeb Bush, who called Trump "unhinged."
More Donald Trump Puns
Toupée or not toupée for the Great Wall of Mexico: that is the hair-raising question created by Donald Trump's candidacy.―Michael R. Burch
President Obama contends that charges he is "not really an American" have been trumped up by The Donald.―Michael R. Burch
This Halloween the Great Pumpkin will be replaced by the Great Orange Trumpkin.―Anonymous
Donald Trump was a liberal until he asked himself, "Should I combover to the right?"―Michael R. Burch
While Donald Trump once again threatens to run as an Independent, his hair prefers to run as a Whig with the slogan "We shall overcomb!"―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump has decided to boy-cott the Bill O'Reilly show and girl-cott the Megyn Kelly show.―Michael R. Burch
I hate it when my puns are trumped by the Real Donald Trump being even stranger and more bizarre than fiction.―Michael R. Burch
Trumpet in 2016 with a real BANG by voting for The Donald and his headlong rush into WWIII against Russia, China, Syria and Iran!―Michael R. Burch
Or is it time to trump "The Donald" by voting for someone with a functional heart and brain?―Michael R. Burch
@tadfriend Ben Carson not just concerned about Hummus terror threat, but about dire situation in Baba Ghanoush and Tabouli! (Ben Carson repeatedly mispronounced Hamas during a speech.)
Do we really want Cruz Control? Ted Cruz is like the chocoholic who, told that one small square of dark chocolate per day can be good for the heart, guzzles down gallons of sugary milk chocolate syrup every few hours. He takes every conservative idea to absurd extremes. And he appears to be the long-lost son of Paul Bearer, the funeral parlor "manager" of the Undertaker. He looks like death warmed over and his policies are.―Michael R. Burch
Q: What is the Trump card in a tarot deck?
A: The Fool.
Q: What is the Trump card in a poker deck?
A: The Joker.
Q: What did the fortune teller predict when she saw the young Donald Trump?
A: Hair today, gone tomorrow!
Q: How does Donald Trump plan to deport eleven million illegal immigrants?
A: Juan by Juan.
Q: Why are Muslims concerned about Trump's deportation plan?
A: Because when you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
Q: What is Donald Trump's favorite chapter of the Bible?
A: Chapter Eleven.
Q: Why should American voters fire Donald Trump?
A: Because the last thing we need is a Celebrity Apprentice as commander-in-chief!
Q: How can Donald Trump make sure that Planned Parenthood is shut down and never recovers?
A: By converting its centers into Trump casinos.
Q: How is Donald Trump like Abraham Lincoln?
A: Lincoln refused to abandon his Whig principles, while Trump refuses to abandon his principle wig.
Q: Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be First Lady?
A: She doesn't want to be seen slumming with all those poor bastards in the White House!
Q: What is the latest Trump business?
A: A breakfast drink called Orangutang. One sip and space cadets go ape.
Q: What will voters say to Donald Trump when he fails to keep his campaign promises?
A: You're fired!
Q: What is Donald Trump's campaign slogan?
A: We shall overcomb!
Q: What will the rebadged Air Force One be called when Donald Trump is president?
A: Hair Force One.
Q: What is The Donald's favorite musical instrument?
A: The trumpet.
Q: What is Donald Trump's favorite occupation?
A: Trumpeting his own praises.
Q: How did Jeb Bush lose the first debate?
A: He got Trumped.
Q: What food group does Donald Trump dine on exclusively?
Q: What is the Great White Hope of America called?
A: Trumpback whale (because The Donald could stand to lose a few pounds along with tons of arrogance and ego).
Q: What is Donald Trump's favorite car?
A: Trump Spitfire.
Q: What is the difference between a Triumph Spitfire and a Trump Spitfire?
A: There is no difference. They are both racy foreign models that look great topless, are high maintenance, and seldom ever work.
For those too young to remember, there was once a racy little convertible sports car called the Triumph Spitfire.
Trump of Doom. Take me as your leader!
The Donald's lies trump all other lies
because it's better to be rich and "handsome" than wise.
And when a wise guy lies about his looks,
you can be pretty sure he's cooked the books.
And when the Teflon Don insists that he's "nice,"
just think about the kids he's vowed to ice.
He'll "take them out"—those small dark Syrian zeroes—
to "win" the war on terror. What a hero!
—Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump is aptly named;
we've all been gamed.
—Michael R. Burch
If we don't dump
us in the rump!
— Michael R. Burch
like a malignant lump!
— Michael R. Burch
Trumpisms: Donald Trump Coinages, by Michael R. Burch
Trump Change: (n.) chump change with a few extra zeroes tacked on
Trumpageddon (n.) Armageddon, only much worse because we have to listen to Donald Trump brag about his superiority while he destroys the world
Trumpaholic (n.) someone addicted to his own bullshit
Trumpbone (n.) a musical instrument similar to a trombone that plays only discordant notes
Trumpass (n.) a compass that always points at one's ass
Trumpathon: (n.) a TV event in which Donald Trump goes on and on and on about how rich, successful and good looking he is
Trumpectomy (n.) a type of brain surgery similar to a lobotomy in which an oversized ego is removed
Trumpet (n.) a mouthpiece only good for constantly tooting one's own horn
Trumpetry (n.) the art of constantly tooting one's own horn.
Trumpism (n.) anything that is wildly exaggerated in a boorish fashion
Trumple (v.) to trample and crumple, while insulting one's victims in the process
Trumplestiltskin (n.) the title of a book about a man who falls asleep, dreams that he is the king of the world, and never wakes up from his absurd fantasy
Trumposity (n.) the quality of being pompous, loud and overbearing
Trumptanic (n.) the name of a ship that has been advertised to be "unsinkable" but in reality is so full of holes that it can never leave dry dock
Trumptastic (adj.) something purported to be wonderful that turns out to be horse hockey
Trumpupmanship (n.) claiming to be better than everyone at everything
Trumputopia (n.) a mythical land in which alpha male chauvinism rules and everything is magically "great"
Anchor husband (n.) a rich American man who marries foreign supermodels so that they can live in the US "legally"
Con-serve-ative (n.) a reality TV star who cons gullible people into believing that he wants to serve them, rather than vice versa
Con-fusion (n.) the chaos produced when a con-serve-ative convinces gullible people that he will "help them come together"
Con-flation (n.) what our economy will experience after Donald Trump has conned us into electing him president
Mock-umentary (n.) a documentary of Donald Trump mocking everything and everyone in sight
Etymology and History of the Name "Trump"
Trump is an early English surname derived from the pre-8th century Olde French Trompeor. It is a metonymic or job descriptive name either for a trumpeter or a maker of trumpets. Originally to "trump" meant "to forge, fabricate, deceive or cheat" (as in our modern expression "trumped up.") A 19th-century etymological dictionary explains that "quacks and mountebanks" attracted attention by blowing a horn then swindling people. The older term also had connotations of mocking and playing the fool. Does any of this sound familiar, ring a bell?
The highest-ranking trump card in a tarot deck is the Fool.
The highest-ranking trump card in British euchre is the Joker.
Donald Trump's ancestors were Germans called the Drumpfs, so it is really Donald Drumpf running for president.
Top Ten Donald Trump Jokes
Let's talk about the big orange elephant in the room ... That's humor, Donald, don't tweet, please!―Jeb Bush
Donald Trump just pledged to be loyal to the Green Party, the Communist Party and Party Central, as long as they are nice to that thing on his head.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump accused Huma Abedin of sharing state secrets with her husband. I think Trump clearly lacks a sense of Huma.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump is "the kind of person who goes to the Super Bowl and thinks the people in the huddle are talking about him." ― Eric Schneiderman
This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole. ― Lewis Black
In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network Donald Trump said "I believe in god." But of course The Donald was talking about himself. ― Jay Leno
Maybe he should ease into this―by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men. ― Jimmy Kimmel
Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that! ― David Letterman
Donald Trump said that he was running for president as a Republican. That's funny, because I thought he was running as a joke. ― Seth Meyers
Here's the thing about Donald Trump: he never apologizes; he's never wrong no matter what crazy thing he says. He's the white Kanye. ― Bill Maher
Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations. ― Craig Ferguson
Well Hell, Make it the Top Twenty Donald Trump Jokes
The entire first debate was basically a two-hour circus sideshow with an old piece of luggage covered in Cheez Whiz as its center. ― John Oliver
According to an online poll, Donald Trump is still the front-runner in the Republican primary race. It's very impressive because it's the only race left that he hasn't offended yet. ― Jimmy Fallon
Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife. ― Conan O'Brien
Did evangelical Christians mistake Donald Trump's hairpiece for a halo, while ignoring the obvious signs that he worships Mammon?―Michael R. Burch
Jimmy Kimmel described The Donald as "a president and an amusement park all rolled into one."
According to Larry Wilmore, Trump is a "gift" of the Comedy Gods to late night comedians. (He is, it seems, the gift that keeps giving.)
Amy Holmes said that Trump makes Beavis and Butthead seem like "models of maturity."
Donald Trump insists that he is going to run for president. I guess he figures if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything. ― Jimmy Kimmel
Yesterday in New York City, Donald Trump officially changed his political affiliation from Republican to Independent. And Donald's hair has switched from pelt to carpet sample. ― Jay Leno
I don't even have anything to say to him. He's said everything he wants to say. He has no internal monologue, so it's not like you're going to find the secret nugget he's been holding back. He's an open book—and that book doesn't have many interesting words in it. ― John Oliver
Christmas is coming!
Tycoons are getting fat!
Please come put donations
in the Fat Cat's Hat.
If you haven't got a penny
he'll throw you in the stew,
but if you've banked "ten billion"
then may TRUMP bless you!
Grinch-Mass is coming
and most of us are whos,
not famous like HERR TRUMP
and his fuming puppet Cruz.
They'll beat us to a pulp
if we mention that lives matter,
then run us out of town
claiming we're mad as a hatter!
Pinch-Mass is coming
and SANTA CLAWS is scared:
he's afraid to see poor children
with their dark skin bared!
So unless you share his SKIN TONE
and his KIND RELIGION too,
he's sworn he'll quickly TRUMP you
and your dangerous kiddie crew!
Lynch-Mass is coming
and your goose is getting cooked;
unless you're just like TRUMP
you'll be looked up, booked, then hooked.
For if you're not like TRUMP,
you're not one of the Chosen Few!
But if you are like TRUMP,
then may TRUMP bless you!
— Michael R. Burch
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