The HyperTexts

Donald Trump Reasons to be President (NOT!)
My Top Ten Reasons to "Fire" Donald Trump

These are my top ten reasons for not supporting Donald Trump, and for not voting for him in the coming presidential elections. I hope other American voters will join me in saying "You're fired!" to Donald Trump.

Donald Trump claims to be a Christian, but has anyone ever been less like Jesus Christ than The Donald?

According to the Bible, the fruits of the Spirit are "love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." As far as I can tell, the current Republican presidential frontrunner exhibits precious little fruit of the Spirit. Donald Trump is the antithesis of Jesus, being a proud, arrogant man who seems to value only money, power, domination, fame and sex. He admitted that he never asks God for forgiveness, and he insulted Holy Communion by speaking dismissively of the body and blood of Jesus Christ as his "little bread" and "little wine." Would any real Christian speak of Holy Communion so lightly? Does it make any sense whatsoever for Christians to vote for politicians who are nothing like Christ, especially when they reject his main ethical teaching: to help the poor, widows and orphans? Trump is not talking about helping widows and orphans, but turning our backs on them if they are not Christian. What about the Parable of the Good Samaritan, in which Jesus clearly taught that Christians should put aside religious differences to help people of other faiths who have fallen on hard times? Jesus was born into a family in Palestine that was told there was "no room" for a pregnant woman and her baby. Trump would clearly have turned his backs on Joseph, Mary and Jesus because they were refugees from the "wrong" part of the world, and not Christians! Is that Christian, really?

Jesus Christ: Blessed are the peacemakers. Trump: I am the most militaristic person on the planet.
Jesus Christ: You cannot serve God and Mammon. Trump inflates his net worth by billions, then sues people who suggest he is worth less than he claims.
Jesus Christ told a rich young Republican of his day to help the poor before he became a disciple. Trump wants to deport the poor without due process and ban non-Christian refugees, even widows and orphans.

This list could go on for pages, because when have two men ever been less alike that Jesus and Trump?

Killing women and children is evil, morally wrong, un-Christian, un-American, and will not help win the war on terror.

Trump is a rank amateur who doesn't understand the most basic things about geopolitics, national security and waging an international war against terrorism. Donald "Trump of Doom" and Ted "Cruz Missile" have made it clear that they want to "carpet bomb" their way to "victory" over ISIS. But the real military experts have pointed out that we tried large-scale bombing in Vietnam, it didn't work, and indiscriminate killing of civilians violates international law and the Geneva Conventions, not to mention human decency and common sense. What will happen if Americans start killing Muslim women and children? ISIS and other terrorist groups will be flooded with recruits and donations. Trump is a loudly braying jackass who will do anything to "build his brand" and steal the American presidency. Cruz is a creep who is loathed by most of his own party, not to mention the other parties. Only creeps talk about carpet-bombing: something that is morally wrong, does not win wars, and would be counter-productive in the war against terror according to every military and security expert that I have heard to date.

Trump recently said that if elected president he would have the US military track down the widows and orphans of dead terrorists, to either "take them out" (i.e., murder them) or make them "suffer" in "retribution" for things they didn't do themselves. Trump would, in effect, turn American soldiers into hunters, abusers and serial killers of noncombatant women and children, in violation of international law, the Geneva Conventions, human decency and common sense. And he speaks with a wild braggadocios glee of being "the most militaristic" person on the planet, as if that's a very good thing. He and Ted "Cruz Missile" also speak giddily of carpet bombing ISIS into submission even though all the military experts seem to agree that such aerial bombardments would be war crimes and will not lead to victory. Rather, the experts point out that defeating ISIS will require Muslim boots on the ground. Carpet bombing of Muslims is not going to help the American cause, quite obviously. But delusional fascists like Hitler, Trump and Cruz have no time for facts and logic; they believe they are fated to "win" because they are "superior" and victory over "inferior" people is their "destiny." In other words they observe the creed of every playground bully: "Might makes right!" The person who can bully and/or beat other people into submission is "superior" according to the law of the jungle, which "trumps" compassion and justice (if you'll pardon the pun). And even Hitler understood that normal soldiers cannot murder women and children knowingly without losing their sanity. So Hitler used specially-trained assassins to hunt down and murder Jewish women and children after he came up with his ghoulish "final solution." I hope and pray that the US does not have such assassins, and that American soldiers would go to the brig rather than follow the ghoulish orders of Herr Trump and Herr Cruz.

Here is what Trump said during an interview with Bill O'Reilly of Fox News:

Donald Trump: We have to do what Israel was doing for a period of time. "Take out" means you have to wipe out their homes where they came from. You have to absolutely wipe them out. It’s the only way you’re going to stop terrorism. You have all these cells all over the place …

Bill O’Reilly: Would you kill the family members of terrorists? Would you have killed the Bin Laden family?

Donald Trump: I don’t want to be so bold. I will tell you, they will suffer! ... We have to be much more vigilant and we have to be much tougher. We can’t allow this to happen … There has to be retribution and if there never is retribution you’re never going to stop terrorism.

However, Israeli security experts quickly pointed out that Israel does not deliberately target women and children for purposes of "retribution," nor for any other purposes. Such targeting of noncombatants would be a war crime. Israel has never "absolutely wiped out" women and children. When women and children have been killed by Israel's military, Israel has always claimed those were mistakes, not deliberate acts.

Donald Trump is clearly talking about junking the Constitution and Bill of Rights in the name of "security."

Donald Trump's latest, greatest idea is pure genius! After we have thrown away the Constitution and freedom of religion by banning Muslims, we should double down and ban freedom of speech as well! It's past time to start "closing that Internet up"! Who needs it? It has no possible use, other than as a tool for extremist recruiting! Just turn the damn thing off and watch the official Trump broadcasts on real television! Quick, call Bill Gates and tell him to shut down that pesky Internet contraption! Everyone knows he invented it, owns it and controls it! But what about Americans who favor freedom of speech? According to Herr Führer Trump "these are foolish people!" So the American founding fathers were idiots, not smart like The Donald! Does Trump know that it's called "the Internet," not "that Internet"? Is he aware that his beloved Tweets require "that Internet"? Does he realize that he is only able to Tweet lies and nonsense because of documents called the Constitution and Bill or Rights? Has anyone informed him that the president of the United States must take an oath to protect and uphold those rights for all Americans? — Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump is unbelievably disrespectful and cruel to women.

Some of the best Donald Trump jokes are the ones he makes of himself, through his oafish, boorish behavior. Here's what the Trumpster said about Hillary Clinton during a campaign event in Grand Rapids, Michigan: "She was going to beat Obama ... She was going to beat ... she was favored to win ... and she got schlonged. She lost. She lost." (Never mind that Trump has four bankruptcies and many other failures on his résumé, including Trump University, Trump Airlines, Trump Vodka, Trump Steaks, Trump Mortgage, Trump the Game, etc.) Trump also rudely and crudely mocked Clinton for taking a bathroom break during a debate: "I thought she gave up! Where did she go? Where did Hillary go? They had to start the debate without her. Phase II. I know where she went. It's disgusting. I don't want to talk about it." Then why bring it up, Mr. I Never Have to Pee Because My Schlong is Perfect Like the Rest of Me? (The Donald reminds me of a child who, having been informed that his mother urinates, has a temper tantrum in disbelief.) Trump's zany "speech" was interrupted by protestors whose freedom of speech was denied when they were ejected by Trump's brownshirts. Herr Führer Trump, who does like anyone to contradict him or point out his mistakes, suggested that the protesters might be "drugged out" and chided another group for being "so weak" they didn't resist directions to leave. The Trumpamaniac has stripped away and tossed aside any remaining shreds of sanity and decency. The would-be emperor is now running around in public, entirely sans clothes, waving his schlong, screaming "Look at me! Vote for me!" Some Americans have been gullible enough to take Trump as a serious candidate, but I suppose even in their madness King George and Nero had followers.

Donald Trump is neither a gentleman nor a scholar. Who talks about female politicians getting "schlonged"? Who says it's "disgusting" four times for women to take bathroom breaks? Who re-tweets neo-Nazi race statistics? Who says three times "We have to take out their families!" meaning that under Commander-in-Chief Trump, American soldiers must become serial killers of the widows and orphans of dead terrorists? Who makes faces when other people are speaking, except the classroom bully who never grew up, causing one viewer to compare him to a "stretched Cheerio"? Another critic suggested that Trump should just go ahead, "stick out his tongue" and "make moose antlers" with his fingers. If as children we had spoken as insultingly as Trump about women, or had made faces when grownups were trying to carry on a serious conversation, we would have been disciplined, and rightly so. Trump had behavior problems as a boy, so his father sent him to a military academy, but it didn't seem to take. Rosalind Wiseman, the author of a series of books about childhood bullies, has compared Trump to an eight-grade girl who bullies her peers: "He's absolutely operating as an intelligent, manipulative bully who truly does not care about the consequences of his actions. He delights in his own ability to manipulate and to show that nobody can stop him."

Donald Trump is a narcissist and an egomaniac.

Donald Trump constantly brags about how "smart" he is, but he makes absolutely no sense on a wide variety of topics, ranging from the disgusting nature of women's bathroom breaks to the virtues of carpet bombing. Take, for example, the case of Mr. Putin, when he recently flattered The Donald. Of course Trump, being an egomaniac, immediately embraced Mr. Putin with open arms. It was bromance at first blush, except that Trump doesn't have the grace to blush when he's praised. But what about the source? As Joe Scarborough pointed out to the Trumpster, Mr. Putin has been accused of murdering journalists and political opponents. There is no doubt that he ordered the invasion and annexation of Crimea. There is little if any doubt that he is responsible for considerable death and destruction in Ukraine. Should someone running for president of the United States welcome praise by someone like Mr. Putin? Here is Trump's attempt to defend his new best buddy: "Nobody has proven that he's killed anyone ... He's always denied it ... You're supposed to be innocent until proven guilty, at least in our country. It has not been proven that he's killed reporters." But if this is true, what about all the people Trump wants to ban, deport, punish and even kill, who have never been proven guilty of anything, and who are much less likely to be guilty of major crimes than Mr. Putin? Trump wants to deport 11 million suspected illegal immigrants without due process, including millions of women and children. How many of those women and children are likely to be more dangerous than Mr. Putin? Surely none. Trump also wants to ban Syrian refugees, including widows and orphans. How many of them are likely to be more dangerous than Mr. Putin? Furthermore, Trump wants the US military to hunt down and "take out" (murder) the widows and orphans of dead terrorists on the assumption that they knew something about the attacks and could have prevented them, but didn't. That's a pretty huge assumption! How many babies and toddlers can keep adult men in countries half a world away from doing anything? It seems quite obvious that Trump cares nothing about innocence or justice; like all fascists, he cares about power and the exercise of power. And that is why Herr Trump defends the powerful Mr. Putin, while brushing weaker people aside like insignificant ants. (But on the brighter side, any criminal who flatters President Trump will automatically be pardoned, embraced and paraded before the world as further proof of Trump's "brilliance.")

Does Donald Trump have a serious mental disorder? According to the experts at the Mayo Clinic, these are the DSM-5 criteria for narcissistic personality disorder:

Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance: Trump claims that only he can "make American great again" when in reality his "experience" has been running virtual dictatorships surrounded by obsequious "yes men."
Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it: Trump exaggerates his wealth and ignores his many failures such as four casino bankruptcies, Trump University, Trump Air, etc.
Exaggerating your achievements and talents: Ditto, plus Trump is clearly delusional if he thinks he is more "attractive" than Heidi Klum and more "intelligent" than every other person on the planet.
Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate: "You know, it doesn't really matter what [the media] write as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass!"
Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people: Trump says it is "unbelievable" and "sad" when other people disagree with his ludicrous "plans."
Requiring constant admiration: Trump never stops bragging about his wealth, "good looks" and "intelligence" (but people who are truly confident don't have to brag, so The Donald seems very insecure).
Having a sense of entitlement: Trump constantly talks over other people; he seems to think he is the only person entitled to have an opinion and voice it. 
Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations: Trump regularly has people physically removed from his campaign events for disagreeing with him.
Taking advantage of others to get what you want: Trump brags about bribing and "owning" politicians, taking advantage of bankruptcy laws and courts, etc.
Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others: Trump even ignores the plight of completely innocent refugee women and children!
Being envious of others and believing others envy you: Donald Trump obviously believes that everyone else wants to be Donald Trump.
Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner: Trump is the most arrogant, haughty and belittling person that most of us have witnessed in our lifetimes, and by a considerable margin!

Not only is Donald Trump a perfect 12-for-12 on the list of symptoms above, but can we think of anyone living who exceeds him in these categories? Trump seems to be in a class by himself as a self-important braggart and glory hog. His main rivals may be famous narcissists of the past like Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Chairman Mao, Pol Pot, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein, Napoleon and King Henry VIII.

For mental-health professionals, Donald Trump is easily diagnosed. "Remarkably narcissistic," said developmental psychologist Howard Gardner, a professor at Harvard Graduate School of Education. "Textbook narcissistic personality disorder," echoed clinical psychologist Ben Michaelis. "He's so classic that I'm archiving video clips of him to use in workshops because there's no better example of his characteristics," said clinical psychologist George Simon, who conducts lectures and seminars on manipulative behavior. "Otherwise, I would have had to hire actors and write vignettes. He's like a dream come true."

Narcissists demand empathy from others yet are lacking in empathy themselves. Trump demands that everyone else must be "nice" to him even as he insults other people right and left, with no regard for their feelings. Narcissists are extremely sensitive to criticism. Trump lashes out at anyone who questions him, even when they are only quoting what he said himself, as when Megyn Kelly pointed out that he really did call women pigs, dogs, etc. Narcissists are poor listeners, and Trump is one of the worst because the only opinion he respects is quite obviously his own. Narcissists are clever exploiters of other people and events, and it's easy to see the gears turning in Trump's head as he seeks to exploit every possible opportunity and turn it to his advantage, even if it means writing off 11 million people in one fell swoop. Hitler did something very similar when he wrote off millions of Jews, creating what developed into the Holocaust. Narcissists "feel entitled to special treatment, ignore criticism, and intimidate others," according to Ryne Sherman, a personality psychologist at Florida Atlantic University, who added, "They also tend to overestimate their capabilities, which results in trying to accomplish too much too quickly and overextending one's resources." And of course that becomes a recipe for disaster when the narcissist controls the most powerful military on the planet, as with Napoleon, Hitler and possibly now Trump. Narcissists are quick to take credit for others' achievements and blame colleagues and subordinates for their own failures. When Trump has to retract a tweet, it was invariably sent by an "intern," but every success is his alone. According to Joseph Burgo, psychotherapist and author of The Narcissist You Know: "You don't need a doctorate in psychology to wonder whether a man who feels the need to forever trumpet his superiority might feel an entirely different way underneath. The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks."

Donald Trump is a fascist like Hitler, Stalin, Chairman Mao, Pol Pot, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein, et al.

Abe Foxman, former National Director of the Anti-Defamation League, says Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump urged supporters at a Florida rally Saturday to raise their arms in a Nazi salute to him. "As a Jew who survived the Holocaust, to see an audience of thousands of people raising their hands in what looks like the ‘Heil Hitler’ salute is about as offensive, obnoxious and disgusting as anything I thought I would ever witness in the United States of America," Foxman told The Times of Israel.

Men like Donald Trump who speak so cavalierly of abusing and murdering completely innocent women and children are sick, in the way that fascists of the past were sick: Hitler, Stalin, Chairman Mao, Pol Pot, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein, et al. If one supports Trump, it's like supporting Hitler because their beliefs, "values" and worldviews are the same. Hitler was "superior" because he was Hitler and the lives of Jewish children mattered not a whit. Trump is "superior" because he is Trump, and the lives of Hispanic and Syrian children matter not in the least. 

When fascists of a feather flock together, they ignore "minor" complications such as the dead and mutilated children they leave in their warmongering wakes. Mr. Putin has spoken glowingly of Trump and his "talents," which seem to be very much like Mr. Putin's "talent" for trampling any human obstacles on his path to personal and national "glory." I think we can expect to see them riding stallions bare-chested together in the future, blowing big game animals to bits for "sport" while plotting the invasions of weaker nations, because—after all—that is what alpha male fascists do. Mr. Putin will no doubt agree to look the other way while Trump uses the US military to track down and murder the widows and orphans of dead terrorists. In return, Trump will agree to look the other way when Russia ignores the human rights of Crimean and Ukrainian women and children. Such heroes, these alpha males who love war and the trappings of war, and feel no compassion for the innocents who get caught in the crossfire! As long as they can "win," who the hell cares about collateral damage? Only bleeding heart liberals, weak-willed women and sissies worry about such "minor" complications! (Christians may want to consider the fact that Jesus Christ, the apostles and Hebrew prophets were such bleeding hearts.) When reporters asked Trump for clarifications about his murderous plans, he didn't even pause to reflect on the fact that he was talking about causing innocents to suffer and die. He brushed off the objections as if they made no sense ... the way it would have made no sense to Hitler to worry about the lives of Jewish women and children, however innocent.

"Would I approve waterboarding? You bet your ass I would—in a heartbeat," Trump said to loud cheers during a recent rally. "And I would approve more than that. Don't kid yourself, folks. It works, okay? It works. Only a stupid person would say it doesn't work." One can hear the glee in The Donald's voice as he contemplates using even darker methods than waterboarding: the ominous "more than that." Anyone who disagrees with the Trump of Doom is automatically "stupid," an "idiot," etc. But of course experts have pointed out that torture doesn't work because the person being tortured will say anything to get the torture to stop. But even if the torture doesn't work, Trump would do it anyway: "It works," Trump said over and over again. "Believe me, it works. And you know what? If it doesn't work, they deserve it anyway, for what they're doing. It works." But there are a number of problems with this evil, irrational "plan" of Trump's. The most evil thing, by far, is his ghoulish plan to punish the widows and orphans of dead terrorists who are beyond punishment because they are no longer alive. The other problems are obvious: (1) our intelligence is not perfect so the person being tortured may not be guilty; (2) the person being tortured may not have the information desired or may have been given misinformation by his/her handlers; (3) the US signed the Geneva Conventions and would be breaking international law by resorting to torture, as well as setting a terrible example for the rest of the world; (4) when American soldiers are captured there would be a tit-for-tat reason for them to be tortured; and (5) even during the dark days of WWII, when the danger was much greater, it was not "okay" for Americans to torture enemy soldiers even when American POWs were being tortured.

But in any case one has to wonder about the evident glee Trump feels when he "trumpets" the facts that he is "the most militaristic person on the planet," that he is ready and willing to turn American soldiers into serial killers of widows and orphans, and that he intends to use the US military to steal oil to fund his wars (the Dick Cheney plan that was tried and failed miserably, sending the price of oil skyrocketing and triggering a global recession that cost millions of people their jobs). Who brags about such things on national TV, except a lunatic? Even the Nazis had the sense not to advertise the horrors they intended for their most innocent victims.

Ben Carson is a world-famous neurosurgeon and he recently pointed out a symptom of fascism: fascists must have their way with other people. Carson calls this a "mental disorder" and he's an expert: "Republicans have this mental disorder sometimes that says, "A person doesn't agree with me 100%, I'm not with them, I'm going to go and sit down!" (Of course they sometimes do more than just "sit down.") Dr. Carson continued: "You know, I believe that was a disease that was implanted by the Democrats." But here Dr. Carson may be displaying a classic symptom of the mental disorder himself: denial and scapegoating. German Nazis saw themselves as both "supermen" and "victims." They were in deep denial about the real problem, which lay within themselves. Nazis claimed that all their problems were the fault of other people who had no real power over them: Jews, Gypsies, et al. Today American fascists claim to be intrinsically "better" than other people and they also claim to be their "victims." They claim to be the victims of immigrants, refugees, homosexuals, feminists, liberals, union workers, teachers, et al. The "real problem" always lies elsewhere, never with the bigots and their desire to be treated as the chosen and favored few.

Sieg Heil, Herr Hitler! Or should it be "Hair" Hitler, as some of the cartoonists now have it? Herr Führer Trump continues to sound more and more like Adolph Hitler. And like "singers" on American Idol who are tone deaf to their musical incompetence, our Hair Hitler seems to be tone deaf to his shrill, strident bigotry. Trump continues to insist that he loves "the blacks," "the Hispanics" and "the Jews" even as he insults them at every turn. And he continues to insist that they "love" him in return, even though the polls say otherwise. Herr Hitler lived in a world of delusions where the dark, dirty, dangerous Jews were responsible for all the problems of white Germans. Now, according to Hair Hitler, white Christians are the cat's meow, while people with darker skin are the "problem." Like Adolph, Herr Führer Trump insists that the "solution" is to separate the races and banish the "bad" people without due process. Like Adolph, he uses fear, lies and racist propaganda, while ignoring any facts he finds inconvenient. How wonderfully well did things work out for Nazi Germany? Not so well, because Adolph Hitler was a high-energy hysteric, not a deep thinker. Hair Hitler is also a high-energy hysteric with zany "ideas." Caveat emptor! (Buyer, beware!)

As Roger Cohen recently pointed out: "The Weimar Republic ended with a clown's ascent to power, a high-energy buffoon who shouted loudest, a bully from the beer halls, a racist and a bigot. He was an outsider given to theatrics and pageantry." Back then no one dreamed that a funny-looking high-energy buffoon like Adolph Hitler would start a war destined to leave much of the world in ruins and kill 70 million people. No one foresaw the horrors of the Holocaust. Now it seems possible that it can happen again, unless the American people exercise much better judgement.

Donald Trump is unstable.

It's ironic that Donald Trump, a casino magnate, has become the political equivalent of the gambler on a hot streak who keeps upping the ante, betting over and over against all odds than he can continue to win. But of course the House always wins in the end. In this cause the House is the American public, which will undoubtedly "trump" The Donald as it becomes unmistakably clear that he is a man who cannot control his actions, or even his tongue. In the end, Americans will have to decide who they can trust with the nuclear codes, the awesome power of the American military, and our soldiers' lives. That is a very serious decision, and many people who sympathized with Trump's unhappiness will conclude that they can't trust him with so much power, because he appears to have flipped his lid many times over. We all know what happened when another flighty, "high energy" hysteric was handed the keys to power by Germany. Will Americans elected Herr Trump, who sounds increasingly deranged, like Herr Hitler? No, Americans will not choose Hitler's ghastly "solutions" and another Holocaust. Rather, in another irony, they will resort to Trump's favorite solution, and tell him: "You're fired!" And he'll probably face more bankruptcies―yet another irony―as consumers around the world refuse to do business with a bigot.

While Donald Trump often looks and sounds like a cartoon character, I think we have to take him at his word. He sounds dead serious to me when he talks about forcing American soldiers to become hunters, trackers and serial murderers of the widows and orphans of dead terrorists. "We have to take out their families!" he said three times in one interview. Why? His "logic" seems to be that because dead terrorists are beyond our reach, American soldiers must take what Trump calls "retribution" by forcing their widows and orphans to "suffer" or die. Such talk is truly chilling to those of us with human hearts, and especially to those who know about the Holocaust and Hitler's ghastly "final solution." Trump fancies himself a "military expert" and brags about being "the most militaristic person on the planet" as if that is something to be proud of. But the same things can be said about Adolph Hitler: he was the most militaristic person of his day; he loved war and the trappings of war; he had no regard for the lives of noncombatant women and children; and, like Trump, Hitler considered himself to be a genius and a military expert. But Hitler made all sorts of idiotic blunders that led to the destruction of Germany and much of the rest of the world. Approximately 70 million people died during WWII, and Hitler's super-inflated ego was one of the primary causes. Now nearly every day we hear The Donald telling us how rich, "handsome" and "smart" he is. Of course people who are truly confident don't brag constantly, so Trump seems to be deeply insecure. But I think we have to take Trump seriously, no matter how crazy he sounds, because we know what happened in the not-so-distant past. Hitler looked funny, acted funny and talked funny. In the early days of his campaigns, few people thought that he would ever rule Germany and be able to act out his insane fantasies. But enough gullible people had their passions inflamed by Hitler's irrational speeches that he did rise to power. Now Trump is saying very similar irrational things in his speeches and millions of Americans are applauding. If you don't know what happened, for the sake of yourself and your loved ones, please take the time to study the history of how Hitler and the Nazis rose to power. If you do know what happened, please consider the most famous of the Holocaust poems, which begins in one version with the lines: "First they came for the Jews / but I was not a Jew / so I did not speak out." The poem was written by a German pastor who supported Trump, only to end up in a concentration camp himself. He came to rue the day that he ever supported Hitler. If enough Germans had opposed Hitler by voting for sane candidates, the world could have avoided WWII. What happens next to us? In a democracy must depends on our votes. I will vote against Trump and his ilk in every election, and I hope you will too. — Michael R. Burch, an editor and publisher of Holocaust poetry

Donald Trump is a High-Energy Hysteric, Like Adolph Hitler

Donald Trump reminds me of another high-energy hysteric: Adolph Hitler. Like Hitler, the Trump of Doom instills irrational fears in his followers while presenting himself as the only "leader" strong enough and smart enough to "save" them from "certain destruction." But Hitler was mad and it was he who made destruction certain, with Germans paying an unthinkable price for buying into his madness. Now Trump is more than obviously playing according to the Nazi playbook for winning elections. That means ignoring facts and reality, wildly exaggerating dangers, blatant lying, dismissing and ridiculing all voices of reason, having protestors silenced and physically removed from rallies, blaming all problems on stereotyped and scapegoated minorities, and presenting war and brute force as the "only solutions" to highly complex problems. Of course none of this worked in the real world for Germans, and it won't work for Americans either. What can sane Americans do? Well, when one candidate is Hitler, you automatically vote for the other candidate. Hillary Clinton is not my favorite politician, but she is worlds better than Herr Hitler, Herr Trump and Herr Cruz (who is saying the same insane things, only more calmly and carefully). And really, what other choice do we have at this point, in a two-party system?

Comments by Mark Bowden, Who Met Trump While Writing an Article for Playboy

"Trump struck me as adolescent, hilariously ostentatious, arbitrary, unkind, profane, dishonest, loudly opinionated, and consistently wrong. He remains the most vain man I have ever met. And he was trying to make a good impression!"
"He has no coherent political philosophy ... He just reacts. Trump lives in a fantasy of perfection, with himself as its animating force."
"I was prepared to like him ... But no. With Trump, what you see is what you get. His behavior was cringe-worthy. It was hard to watch the way he treated those around him."
"What was clear was how fast and far one could fall from favor. The trip from 'genius' to 'idiot' was a flash. The pilots who flew his plane were geniuses, until they made one too many bumpy landings and became 'fucking idiots.'"

When Bowden observed Trump having a fit on a tennis court, Trump tried to bribe him not to mention the fit by offering to let Bowden write a book about him! And today? "As I've watched his improbable political rise, it is clear that he hasn't changed. The very things that made him so unappealing apparently now translate into wide popular support. Apart from the comical ego, the errors, and the self-serving bluster, what you get from Trump are commonplace ideas pronounced as received wisdom. Begin registering all Muslims in America? Round up the families of suspected terrorists? Ban all Muslims from entering the country? Carpet-bomb ISIS-held territories in Iraq (killing the 98-plus percent of civilians who are, in effect, being held hostage there by the terror group and turning a war against a tiny fraction of the world's Muslims into a global religious crusade)? Using nuclear weapons? The ideas that pop into his head are the same ones that occur to any teenager angry about terror attacks. They appeal to anyone who can't be bothered to think them through—can't be bothered to ask not just the moral questions but the all-important practical one: Will doing this makes things better or worse? When you believe in your own genius, you don't question your own flashes of inspiration."

Donald Trump has no experience in governance, no knowledge of geopolitics, and he is unable or unwilling to listen to people who are better informed.

Button! Button!

"Button! Button! Who's got the button?"―Ted Cruz recently suggested that wild men like Donald Trump and Ben Carson cannot be trusted with the nuclear button and codes.
"Maniac! Maniac! Who's the little maniac?"―Donald Trump of Doom quickly countered that Mr. Cruz Missile is the real maniac.

But what if they're both right, and all three Republican frontrunners for president are insane? Let's examine the evidence. First, Herr Führer Trump said that it is "absolutely necessary" to round up and deport 11 million suspected illegal immigrants without due process, creating a new Holocaust with enormous interment/concentration camps. Otherwise we "don't have a country" (even though we have always had illegal immigrants). Thus, The Donald would "trump" the Constitution, Bill of Rights and common decency. Later, Trump said that "security must rule" and that it is now necessary to do "unthinkable" things such as discard freedom of religion (ban all Muslims) and freedom of speech (get Bill Gates to "close that Internet up"). Then the hyperactive and hysterical Trump of Doom proclaimed that the U.S. military should hunt down the widows and orphans of dead terrorists to either "take them out" or make them "suffer" in "retribution." So we should also throw out the Geneva Conventions and turn our soldiers into serial killers and abusers of women and children. Ben Carson trumped The Donald by saying the U.S. military should use weaponized drones to bomb caves where suspected illegal immigrants hide, killing women and children with no link to terrorism. Carson also said that if a Russian plane flew into a no-fly zone, he would have it shot down to "see what happens." Welcome to WWIII, care of Crazy Ben Carson! But Mr. Cruz Control trumped both Carson and Trump by saying that as president he would "carpet bomb" the Middle East with nukes to see if the sands will glow at night. Yes, I think Trump and Cruz are undeniably correct: all three Republican frontrunners for president are mad as hatters! But what about the "more moderate" Republican candidates? Well, the bad joke's still on American voters because Jeb Bush has security advisers who include hawkish neo-cons like John Hannah, Stephen Hadley, Porter Goss and Paul Wolfowitz, the latter "a major architect of President Bush's Iraq policy and ... its most hawkish advocate." Just what we don't need: another dumbed-down Bush with the same war-mad advisers who thought it would be a great idea to invade Iraq on completely false premises, lying to the American public at every turn. Jeb Bush labors under the delusion that his brother was a "great president" who kept Americans "safe." The facts suggest otherwise, and two-thirds of Americans believe the invasion of Iraq was a mistake. But what about Marco Rubio, isn't he more moderate? Hardly. Rubio is a climate change denier, opposes gay marriage, voted against the Violence Against Women Act even being debated, and is anti-choice even in cases of rape, incest and a pregnant woman's life being endangered (he says a fertilized egg's "right to life" trumps all other rights, apparently even when the egg will die anyway because a pregnant female will die without an abortion). There is nothing "moderate" about a politician willing to become a serial killer of pregnant girls and women because he values microscopic eggs that are unable to think or feel, over fully-developed human beings who certainly can, and should have a say in what happens to their bodies and lives. But really all the Republican candidates seem to have the same medieval alpha male beliefs―Trump is wildly uninhibited, Carson a bit more dignified in his befuddled way, Cruz and Rubio more demure (or are they just sneakier?) But the lunacy oozes from their pores; it is part of who and what they are, like one of those toads that secretes poison through its warty skin. They are "pro-life" only up to the moment of birth. As soon as a baby is born they become Darwinists, believing in the survival of the fittest. Black babies born in the projects should fend for themselves, who cares if their mothers are drug-addicted teenagers? They claim to be "Christians" but they are nothing like Jesus Christ, who told a rich young Republican of his day that before he became a disciple he should give everything he had to help the poor and needy. And Jesus evidently walked the walk because according to the Bible he died with only the clothes on his back, which the Roman centurions threw lots for. Jesus's family were refugees who were told there was "no room" for them. Can anyone possibly believe that Jesus would turn his back on Syrian widows and orphans? But this is what all the Republican presidential candidates would have us believe―the richest, most powerful nation on earth, and the one that claims to be the most "Christian," is too poor and too cowardly to take in widows and orphans. Are these men as "tough" as they want us to believe, or are they hypocrites? And who was it that Jesus Christ criticized the most strongly and sternly? Oh yes, it was the hypocrites.

How Do We Explain Donald Trump's "Success"?

Donald Trump may be viral bigotry personified, but perhaps he serves a purpose by inoculating Americans against fascism. Better the embarrassing pustules of cowpox today than the raging, deadly disease of smallpox tomorrow. — Michael R. Burch

How can we explain Donald Trump being the Republican frontrunner for president? Perhaps the metaphor of Dr. Frankenstein and his monster will suffice. The GOP and Faux News kept zapping the American public with one energizing lie after another: President Obama was not really an American, he was a socialist, a communist, a totalitarian, didn't share American values, etc. Islam was "incompatible with democracy," and was trying to "take over the world" in order to "institute Sharia law," which was just around the corner in Europe and the US. Evolution is an "unproven" theory and climate change is a "liberal myth." Gay marriage and abortion will incur the wrath of God Almighty. There have been so many outlandish lies that it was almost guaranteed that sooner or later some gullible politician would emerge who believed the lies and was just as scared as the voters. Trump is that gullible, fearful politician. He really believes the conspiracy theories, as does Ben Carson, and perhaps Ted Cruz as well. They have no idea why 9-11 really happened. They have no understanding of mainstream Islam or global politics. They have bought into the GOP's lies and thus have become blind, lumbering monsters full of fear and loathing, threatening to destroy everything in their path. Trump wants to throw out the Constitution in the name of "security" and hunt down and murder the widows and orphans of dead terrorists. Carson talked calmly about taking out suspected illegal immigrants with weaponized drones by bombing the caves where they hide: even if the men are dangerous (which seems unlikely) what about the women, children, toddlers, babies? Cruz wants to carpet bomb the Middle East with nukes until the sands glow at night: again, what about all the dead and mutilated innocents? Only monsters, demagogues and incredibly frightened, hysterical men suggest such extreme measures, none of which would help create a better, safer world. Now the GOP seems to be clueless and helpless: what can it do about politicians so gullible that they believe every bizarre lie the party has told voters in recent years? Now there seem to be only two alternatives for voters: either elect a hysterical fascist (the Republican nominee) or someone sane (the Democratic nominee). 

Donald Trump may be the only person able to unite Hillary Clinton and Don Cheney on the subject of human rights. They both clearly agree that Trump "goes against everything we [Americans] stand for and believe in," as Cheney put it. When a hardcore fascist like Cheney calls you to the carpet on human rights, you have a very serious problem. But then even Mr. Putin and Mr. Netanyahu are more tolerant than Herr Trump. Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu immediately denounced Trump's wholesale ban on Muslims. Mr. Putin recently attended a service at Moscow's largest mosque and spoke very favorably of Russia's Muslim community and its many positive contributions to Russian society. Only Herr Hitler and men of his ilk damn every man, woman and child on the base of their race or religion.

"Prime Minister Netanyahu rejects Donald Trump's recent remarks about Muslims," according to a statement issued by the Israeli prime minister's office, which continued, "The State of Israel respects all religions and strictly guarantees the rights of all its citizens. At the same time, Israel is fighting against militant Islam that targets Muslims, Christians and Jews alike and threatens the entire world." Rather than meeting with Mr. Netanyahu as previously planned, Trump immediately canceled the trip. He seems to prefer being surrounded by yes men. But all around Israel columnists were pointing out that their nation has never taken the extreme steps that Trump now stridently insists are an "absolute necessity."

"Russia's Muslim community dates back centuries and has made an enormous contribution to Russian history," Mr Putin said. "Its humanist values, like those of other religions, teach justice, mercy and caring for one's loved ones."

Clarissa Ward, CNN senior international correspondent, when asked what is being said elsewhere in the world, reported: "We're hearing a lot, I think, about Donald Trump, and particularly about these comments [about banning all Muslims] ... they've been dismissed I think as arrogant and ignorant and absurd by most Europeans and Middle Eastern people ... But what I found really interesting when I was doing a cross-section and chatting with people from different backgrounds and different walks of different life in different countries, was the one group that really seemed to embrace Donald Trump's comments are ISIS! 

Trump's ego, petulance and disdain for women was once again apparent after TIME named German Chancellor Angela Merkel its person of the year. Trump tweeted: "I told you @TIME Magazine would never pick me as person of the year despite being the big favorite They picked person [sic] who is ruining Germany." Why is Merkel "ruining" Germany? Because she had compassion for Syrian refugees and didn't turn a cold shoulder to completely innocent women and children, the way Herr Trumps insists Americans "absolutely must" do.

Herr Trump claims that the majority of Syrian refugees are "young, strong" men and suggests dark reasons for this anomaly. But in reality, as one would expect if one were rational, the majority of Syrian refugees are women and children, according to the official UN refugee statistics. And even if Trump is correct that Americans must become abject cowards and not allow any adult Syrian men to cross our shores, still there is no sane reason to deny asylum to widows and orphans. Trump seems to lack courage, compassion, wisdom, common sense and any concept of boundaries, like another high-energy hysteric, Adolph Hitler. Sieg Heil, Herr Trump!

"What we're finding is that no group is safe from his ignorance and rhetoric," said Michael Nutter, the mayor of Philadelphia, who later called Trump an "asshole." Leading members of his own party have called Trump "unhinged," "ridiculous" "outlandish," "offensive," "outrageous," "absurd," "bombastic," "foolish," "impulsive," reckless," "race-baiting," "xenophobic," "downright dangerous" and what he so obviously is: a bigot and fascist. Trump was called a "fascist demagogue" by former Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley, "reprehensible, prejudiced, divisive and shameless" by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and a "demagogue" by Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders.

But Trump refuses to surrender to logic or admit his mistakes. "Paris is no longer the same city it was," he claimed without citing any evidence: "They have sections in Paris that are radicalized where the police refuse to go there [sic]. They're petrified. The police refuse to go in there. We have places in London and other places that are so radicalized that the police are afraid for their own lives." But as usual, Herr Trump's allegations have no basis in fact. There are no Paris districts where the police are "afraid" to go. The mayor of London, Boris Johnson, said that Mr. Trump's claim about his city was "complete and utter nonsense." Pointing out that crime was falling in London and New York, he added: "The only reason I wouldn't go to some parts of New York is the real risk of meeting Donald Trump!"

Ted Cruz quickly trumped The Donald's insanity, by threatening to "utterly destroy" ISIS via "carpet bombing" that would leave the desert sands aglow (presumably nukes would irradiate the sands, killing god-knows-how-many women and children in the process). Not one to settle for second-best in a battle of lunatics, Trump threatened to have the US military hunt down the widows and orphans of dead terrorists, to either "take them out" or make them "suffer" in "retribution." This, one assumes, will persuade the dead terrorists not to reincarnate and attack again!

Donald Trump is a Fascist

Features of Fascism

Fervent, jingoistic nationalism (at Donald Trump's campaign events, one can hear people chanting "USA! USA! USA!" in the background).
"A sense of overwhelming crisis beyond the reach of traditional solutions." (Trump's ascendancy is due largely to his Chicken Little cries that the sky is falling in every conceivable direction.)
"The superiority of the leader's instincts over abstract and universal reason." (Trump claims to "know" things by magic and to always be right about everything he "knows.")
"The belief of one group that it is the victim, justifying any action." (Ethnic Germans were the "victims" of the Jews they persecuted; white Americas are the "victims" of blacks, Hispanics and Muslims.)
The idea that security is more important than individual human rights and freedoms (Trump recently said that "security must rule" and "unthinkable" things must be done to ensure security).
Scapegoating of minorities (Jews and Gypsies in Nazi Germany; blacks, Hispanics and Muslims in present-day America).
"The need for authority by natural leaders (always male) culminating in a national chief who alone is capable of incarnating the group's destiny." (Hitler then, Trump now.)
A love of military power, displays of military power, and even glamorization of war itself for the sake of national "honor" and "glory" (have you been to an American football stadium recently?).
A militaristic and highly aggressive foreign policy (the US has been at war almost constantly for more than 100 years).
Rampant chauvinism: the alpha male heterosexual is glorified, while feminism and homosexuality are denigrated and suppressed (the GOP is fiercely anti-feminist and anti-gay).
The mass media is either controlled by the government or sympathizes with it (why are there no acts of Christian terrorism, only acts of Islamic terrorism?).
A "sophisticated apparatus for systematically propagandizing the population" into accepting fascist values and ideas (Fox News, or, more correctly, Faux News). 
Fear is used to motivate and control the public (the GOP's main political strategy for eight years has been to frighten Americans into believing that Barack Obama is a socialist, not American, not Christian, etc.).
The most common religion is favored by the government and used to manipulate public opinion (all the Republican presidential candidates pander to Christians on abortion, homosexuality, Israel, etc.).
Corporate power is protected, because corporate donations help politicians get elected (Super-PACs are dominating American politics).
Labor unions are either eliminated or suppressed (Republican presidential candidates have bragged about bullying unions, even teachers' unions).
Disdain for intellectuals and the arts (American conservatives frequently oppose government aid for the arts).
Obsession with crime and punishment (Trump recently insisted that the US military should hunt down the wives and children of dead terrorists and "take them out" or make them "suffer" for purposes of "retribution").
A demand for everyone to conform to the same narrow image (white Christians are good; everyone else is suspect and dangerous).
Intolerance for diversity (Christianity is good; different beliefs and cultures are suspect and dangerous).
Social and economic Darwinism: the idea that the rich and powerful have the "right" to take advantage of the poor and weak; in other words, the law of the jungle (conservatives have equated Obamacare with slavery and communism). 
Rampant cronyism and corruption (the war with Iraq is a recent American example).
Fascists often seek to rig elections (recently in the US, there have been many attempts by Republicans to keep minorities from voting).
Robert Paxton mentioned fascism's "obsessive preoccupation with community decline, humiliation or victimhood" and "compensatory cults of unity, energy and purity" (Trump speaks constantly of decline and energy).
Kevin Passmore defined fascism as a movement of the extreme, radical right (Trump, Cruz, Carson, Romney, Ryan, Santorum, George W. Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Palin, Bachmann, McCain ... need I say more?)

Does any of this sound familiar? Are these not the organizing principles of the Republican party and its presidential candidates, especially Donald Trump? The Republican party has swung so far to the extreme, radical right that Ronald Reagan's family has pointed out that he couldn't run as a Republican today and win an election.

Trump Wall of Shame.

The joke is on anyone who thinks Trump cares about the truth. For instance, he recently sent out a tweet claiming that 81% of white American homicide victims were murdered by blacks, while 97% of black homicide victims were murdered by blacks. The obvious racist inference of "statistics" which originated with a Neo-Nazi organization is that nearly everyone murdered in the United States is killed by a black person. But an FBI report says that in 2014 the percentage of blacks murdered by blacks (89.9%) was similar to the percentage of whites murdered by whites (82.3%). So according to the FBI, Trump is full of s**t. And Trump is not the only Republican presidential candidate who plays fast and loose with the truth. Ben Carson just makes up s**t and presents it as "fact." Carly Fiorina (aka CarLIE FIBorina) lied through her teeth about the video she cited being of an abortion and organ harvesting; it was a clip of a stillborn baby that doctors had been trying to save. Planned Parenthood was not involved. Alexis Fretz, the mother, took the photo in 2013 and posted it on the Internet to memorialize the son she named Walter.

Did Carly Fiorina's incendiary lies lead to the subsequent murders at a Planned Parenthood clinic? Ted Cruz has told blatant lies about the Iran peace pact, risking another unwinnable war to be fought on the same false premises as the war with Iraq. Why do Republican presidential candidates tell such dangerous lies? Because they know that most of their dumbed-down base isn't going to fact-check, doesn't really care about the truth, and can be driven by fear, resentment and anger. Who cares how many doctors and patients get murdered at Planned Parenthood clinics, as long as Fiorina can prop up her sagging campaign? Who cares how many blacks, Hispanics and Muslims get beaten up by Trump's followers, as long as he can "build his brand" and make a run at the presidency? Who cares how many American soldiers (our own children!) may die fighting an unnecessary war with Iran, as long as Ted Cruz can appear to be a "tough hombre" to his misinformed fans? Fox News has convinced millions of conservative viewers to believe whatever they want to believe, and in the process Faux News has created a modern-day Frankenstein's Monster

The joke is also on anyone who thinks Trump favors free speech. At his first campaign event in Ohio, Trump extolled the virtues of torture (waterboarding) and insisted that the American government needs to keep "lists" of Muslim refugees. Two people in the audience exercised their First Amendment rights by booing. Trump deemed this "unbelievable" and "so sad," flashed a thumb signal to have them removed, then finally said: "Go ahead and get them the hell out." The audience applauded Trump's decision to toss out the Bill of Rights along with the protestors. What will happen to us when we disagree with Trump, if he becomes the world's most powerful human being?

Retired Air Force Col. Tom Moe, a former Vietnam POW, warned about the danger Trump's candidacy poses by paraphrasing the famous anti-Nazi remarks by German pastor Martin Niemöller: "You might not care if Donald Trump says Muslims should register with their government, because you're not one. And you might not care if Donald Trump says he's going to round up all the Hispanic immigrants, because you're not one. And you might not care if Donald Trump says it's okay to rough up black protesters, because you're not one. And you might not care if Donald Trump wants to suppress journalists, because you're not one. But think about this: If he keeps going, and he actually becomes president, he might just get around to you. And you better hope there's someone left to help you." Before Moe's warning, I had written the poem below ...

First Herr Trump came for the anchor babies,
but I was not Hispanic, so I did not speak out.
Next Herr Trump came for the child refugees,
but I was not a Muslim, so I did not speak out.
Then Herr Trump came for the women who are not tens,
but I am not a woman, so I did not speak out.
Finally, Herr Trump came for everyone who is not like him,
and there was no one left to defend me.
—Michael R. Burch

Like Hitler, Trump appeals to angry and embittered white supremacists who see themselves as "supermen" compared to people of color and other religions. Never mind that these "supermen" are easily deceived sheep in wolves' clothing. Never mind that they are unwise enough to put their faith in high-energy hysterics like Hitler and Trump. Never mind that they have been brainwashed with racist propaganda. None of this matters to herd animals who mindlessly mill about, bellowing with fear and rage, always willing to follow the asses ahead of them in times of panic. The hope for America is that they do not constitute the majority of voters in the 2016 election. The danger is that the Democratic candidate will make some terrible mistake that makes someone like Trump, Carson or Cruz seem like "the lesser of two evils."

Trump's grotesque Hitlerian plan to deport millions of Hispanics without due process would produce multitudes of young Anne Franks hiding in American attics and cellars from a modern-day Holocaust. Is that what American voters want, really? Even conservatives like John Kasich, Jim Gilmore, Steve Deace, Max Boot, Matt Lewis, Tom Moe, John Noonan and Jeffery A. Tucker have called Herr Trump a fascist. Other Americans have agreed, or have at least raised the question of Trump's racism and fascism, including Andrew Anglin, W. J. Astore, Jamelle Bouie, Joe Conason, Ryan Cooper, Timothy Egan, Prof. Ronald Feinman, Justin Lane, Eric Levitz, David Neiwert, Martin O'Malley, Nick O'Malley, Heather Digby Parton, Robert Paxton, Steven Ross, Bernie Sanders, Michael Tomasky, Albert Torre, Tim Walker and Josh Zepps. I think Ryan Cooper probably got it right when he called Trump a "fascist idiot savant" with a "good instinct" for what the bigoted herd wants to hear. Trump would take great offense at being compared to Hitler, I'm sure, but Hitler was another "high energy" type who rose to power by telling the unwashed masses what they wanted to hear: that they were "supermen" and all their problems were the fault of inferior people who were dangerous because they were different. The Holocaust began with white supremacist demands that "undesirable" people be first monitored, then deported en masse to internment camps, then finally exterminated. Trump is already at stage two of Hitler's ghastly "final solution" to the "problem" of dealing with "undesirables."

Trump is quite a jokester, in his mocking, bullying way. His favorite targets are minorities and women who are not "tens" according to his ultra-high standards. For instance, he once remarked "sadly" that Heidi Klum is not longer a ten and asked how Carly Fiorina could possibly be elected president with "that face." Recently Trump came under fire for mocking a disabled New York Times reporter, Serge Kovaleski, who suffers from arthrogryposis (a congenital condition that affects joint movement). During a speech to his supporters Trump said: "Now, the poor guy ... you've got to see this guy, 'Ah, I don't know what I said! I don't remember!'" as he did a crude impersonation that seemed to equate a joint disease with mental retardation. While Trump claimed later not to know the reporter in question, Kovaleski says they have been on a first-name basis for years. (Trump claims to have one of the "all-time great memories" but he seems to selectively forget his lies, exaggerations, insults and bullying). A former reporter, Suzy Parker, recalled a 1989 news conference at which Trump and Kovaleski greeted each other: "It was clear they knew each other. Everything was on a first name basis," she told CNN. "It was so chummy I thought they may even have known each other socially." She said Kovaleski also introduced her to Ivana Trump, who was married to Donald Trump at the time. She said the two men shook hands. "It was hello, how you doing, how are things. It was a friendly greeting." A 1989 issue of the New York Daily News included a Kovaleski-bylined story in which the reporter spent the day with The Donald during the inauguration of the ill-fated Trump Shuttle.

Carly Fiorina criticized Trump for mocking a handicapped person, saying the real estate mogul "only feels big when he's trying to make everyone else look small. This is the pattern, isn't it? The pattern is — he says something insulting, offensive and outrageous; the media pays attention; then he claims we all misunderstood him. This is the pattern, perhaps, of an entertainer. It's certainly not the pattern of a leader." But actually it's the pattern of someone we all know: the playground bully who makes himself look "big" by making other people look and feel small. Trump is the Peter Pan of bullies because he never grew up.

But in any case, it was Trump, not Kovaleski, who claimed that "thousands and thousands" of New Jersey Muslims cheered as the twin towers burned and fell. In his article, Kovaleski did not mention large numbers of people celebrating, only an investigation into six men with no indication that any of them actually did anything wrong. After mocking and berating Kovaleski for not backing up things that he didn't say, Trump half-heartedly admitted that his "all-time great" memory was wrong, but did he mock himself the way he had mocked Kovaleski? Of course not. Later Trump recanted, saying he was "100% correct" that he and many other people saw American Muslims "dancing in the streets" on 9-11. However, the police, other authorities and media do not support Trump's allegations. Would the governor of New Jersey not be informed if huge numbers of Muslims were celebrating the destruction of the Twin Towers? Here is what New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said: "If that had happened, I would have recalled it, and I don't." Steven Fulop, the mayor of Jersey City, tweeted: "Either @realDonaldTrump has memory issues or willfully distorts the truth, either of which should be concerning for the Republican Party." Fulop also said that Trump was "shamefully politicizing an emotionally charged issue." He added: "No one in Jersey City cheered on Sept. 11. We were actually among the first to provide responders to help in lower Manhattan." George Pataki, the governor of New York at the time, tweeted this response to Trump's remarks on ABC: "Not sure what luxury spider-hole @realDonaldTrump was hiding in on Sept11 but I saw Americans come together that day." Jerry Speziale, the police commissioner of Paterson, NJ, which has the second-largest Muslim population in the U.S., said: "That is totally false. That is patently false. That never happened. There were no flags burning, no one was dancing. That is [barnyard epithet]." Speziale said of New Jersey Muslims: "They've been very helpful and law-abiding."

In any case, so far there is not a shred of actual video that shows "thousands and thousands" (or even hundreds, or tens) of American Muslims celebrating in streets or on rooftops. If there were any celebrations at all, they were small enough to escape detection by the police, FBI, reporters and neighbors. As former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani said, "Let him show the evidence of it. If "thousands of people" were demonstrating and he saw it on television, then there must be some tape of it somewhere. If it shows up it will corroborate him. If it doesn't show up it's going to make him look really bad." But Trump refuses to admit the obvious truth, saying "We're looking for clips. And I wouldn't be surprised if we found them ... but for some reason, they're not that easy to come by." Why are the video clips so hard to find? Because they don't exist. But Trump is delusional. He also thinks he "saw" people leaping from the Twin Towers, from four miles away, through a thick curtain of smoke. Do we need a president who cannot separate fact from fiction, delusion from reality?

Ben Carson typically flip-flopped in his muddled, uniformed way, initially agreeing with Trump by saying that he "remembered" seeing the TV footage; but later in the day Carson's campaign corrected the statement, claiming that he had confused New Jersey with the Middle East! That is some major geopolitical confusion, but Carson seems to know as little about the Middle East as he does about flying spaceships to the moon. He really should stick to his area of expertise, medicine.

Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio said categorically that Trump's "memories" were untrue. Rubio told a pretty good joke for a politician: "As I said early in this campaign if all I did all day was respond to everything Donald Trump says that isn't true, I wouldn't be able to run my campaign."

If there are news clips that Trump actually saw, why can't he produce them? Is it possible that there is not a single honest policeman, FBI agent, firefighter, government official or reporter willing to step forward and tell the truth about what really happened on 9-11? As usual, Trump employs wild exaggerations and outright lies as he preaches to his racist, white supremacist choir. Even staunch conservative Bill O'Reilly called Trump to the carpet for his wild exaggerations, saying: "There's nobody on tape [talking] about thousands of people celebrating. It doesn't exist ... So you were wrong by saying thousands."

The only area policeman who has discussed anyone celebrating on 9-11, to my knowledge, is Scott DeCarlo. DeCarlo was a member of a police squad that was warned to look out for a white van with five men of Middle Eastern origin who had been filming the twin towers while acting strangely by dancing and high-fiving each other. But when DeCarlo and his team pulled the white van over, it turned out that the five men were Israeli citizens associated with a company called Urban Movers, which turned out to be a Mossad front. The Israeli men were arrested at gunpoint, held for 71 days by the FBI, and according to an ABC News 20/20 Special Report, some of them failed lie detectors tests. The ABC report names the five Israeli men suspected of being Mossad agents: Sivan Kurzberg (the driver), Paul Kurzberg (his brother), Yaron Shmuel, Oded Ellner and Omer Marmari. They were eventually deported, and the "moving company" quickly folded. The Owner of Urban Moving Systems, an Israeli citizen named Dominick Suter, left the United States after the arrests, abandoning the business entirely. Why would Mossad agents celebrate such a vicious attack against Americans? Because they knew the attack would cause the United States to attack enemies of Israel, which of course is exactly what happened.

Why would Trump continue to insist that his obviously faulty "memories" must be correct? I think the answer lies in another of his bad jokes: "Why wouldn't it have taken place?" This is a blatantly bigoted rhetorical question. Trump knows that large numbers of Muslims live in New Jersey. He sees these darker-skinned people the way Hitler saw the Jews: they are all dark, dirty and dangerous. So where there are large numbers of Muslims, there must be dancing in the streets, because that is what most Muslims do when they see a terrorist attack. Of course that is a myth created by bigots, and Trump appears to be the leader of the pack.

According to Politifact, The Washington Post, The New York Times and FactCheck.org, there is no evidence that Trump's "remembered" celebrations took place. The only aired footage of post-9/11 celebrations was a video of a small group of Palestinian teens seen celebrating in East Jerusalem. Why would Palestinian teens celebrate a terrorist attack on the United States? Well, perhaps because the United States has provided Israel with billions of dollars in cash and weapons which have been used to rob Palestinians of their land, water, human rights and dignity. Even so, most Palestinians did not celebrate and the Palestinian National Authority denounced the attacks.

What was the real reaction of most Muslims around the world? Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat offered his sympathy to Americans and said he was horrified by the attacks. Renowned Muslim scholar Yusuf al-Qaradawi denounced the attacks and the unprovoked killings of thousands of American civilians as a "heinous crime" and urged Muslims to donate blood to the victims. He did, however, criticize the United States' "biased policy towards Israel." Hezbollah spiritual mentor Mohammed Hussein Fadlallah condemned the attacks. Ahmed Yassin, the spiritual leader of Hamas, harshly condemned and denounced the attacks and also stated that he was not interested in exporting such attacks to the United States; however he criticized the "unfair American position." Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak called the attacks "horrible and unimaginable." Afghanistan's Taliban rulers condemned the attacks, but rejected suggestions that Osama bin Laden, who had been given asylum in Afghanistan, could be behind them. Huge crowds attended candlelit vigils in Iran, and 60,000 spectators observed a minute's silence at Tehran's soccer stadium. The Sahrawi national liberation movement Polisario Front condemned the "criminal attacks against the World Trade Center and the Pentagon in the USA and, particularly, against defenseless innocent civilians." Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad Mahathir expressed sadness, but urged the U.S. government not to seek revenge, saying: "Retaliation will lead to the deaths of many people and will be followed by more counter-strikes."

A 2008 Gallup study found that only 7% of the Muslims polled believed the 9/11 attacks were "completely" justified. And that small percentage would likely explain the "justification" by pointing out American and Israeli injustices against Muslims, particularly Palestinians who have been robbed of their land, water, property, dignity and human rights. Why is systematic terrorism against millions of Muslims ignored by most Americans? Why do Americans demand expressions of sympathy for the 9-11 attacks, when they demonstrate no sympathy for beleaguered and discriminated-against Palestinians?

Trump's other amusing "defense" of his nonsense is that other people also "remember" seeing "thousands" of American Muslims "dancing in the streets." But many Americans claim to have seen Sasquatches, and yet there has never been a single Sasquatch bone produced as physical evidence. We have the bones of dinosaurs that became extinct millions of years ago, so what is the chance that there are nine-foot-tall creatures roaming North America, and yet we have never found a single bone? The chances are nil, which means that Big Foot only exists in the endlessly fertile human imagination along with mermaids, unicorns, fairies and dragons. If thousands of American Muslims had been dancing in the streets, celebrating the 9-11 attacks, we most certainly would have video footage and reports by police departments and the news media. So quite obviously, such large-scale celebrations did not take place anywhere in the United States.

"Why wouldn't it have taken place?" To a bigot like Donald Trump, all Muslims or the vast majority of them rejoice when they see acts of terrorism. But this is no more true than Hitler's bigoted opinion that all Jews were dangerous, or the KKK's opinion that all non-whites are inferior to whites. Trump is a creep who "knows" that he is "better" than blacks, Hispanics and Muslims "just because." That is the very definition of bigotry.

Ben Carson chimed in, telling reporters that he "saw" the celebrations too: "I think that was an inappropriate response. I don't know if on the basis of that you could say all Muslims are bad people — I really think that would be a stretch." His implication, of course, is that we may be able to say that all Muslims are bad people if some of them danced in the streets after terrorist attacks. But of course we would never impugn all Christians even if millions of them were engaged in witch burnings, heretic burnings, inquisitions, holy wars, the ethnic cleansing of entire continents, and slavery! Again, this is the very definition of bigotry.

Trump and Carson truly are an odd couple. Trump claims to paternalistically love "the blacks" and claims they love him in return. Oh really? The polls say otherwise, and with good cause. For instance, Trump recently said that a Black Lives Matter protester who was punched and kicked by his supporters at a campaign event probably deserved it. He has dismissed the Black Lives Matter movement as "looking for trouble" and has described efforts by Democratic candidates to engage them as "disgraceful." Trump was asked to comment on his supporters' actions on Fox & Friends. "Maybe he should have been roughed up," Trump said. "It was disgusting what he was doing." But all the protester was "doing" was exercising his First Amendment rights by chanting "Black lives matter." Trump gave a similar "winking nod of approval" when two of his supporters said that they ambushed and brutally beat a homeless Latino man because they were "inspired" by Trump. The Donald later explained that his supporters "are very passionate" and "love this country" and just want to follow his lead and make it "great again." There have been multiple reports of Trump supporters launching violent attacks against people with darker skin. One rally took a dark turn when attendees shoved and spat on immigration advocates. Other Trump supporters were filmed dragging and kicking an immigration activist while bystanders yelled "U-S-A! U-S-A!" After a slew of such incidents, rather than rebuking the attackers, Trump's campaign began corralling media, trying to prevent reporters from mingling with the crowds at rallies.

Trump later made a valiant but vain attempt to gain endorsements from black pastors. A press release confidently predicted that "a coalition of 100 African American Evangelical pastors and religious leaders" would "endorse the GOP frontrunner after a private meeting at Trump Tower." Trump claimed there was "great love" in the room, yet failed to gain the promised endorsements. Some of the pastors were outraged. Rev. Al Sharpton wondered why black religious leaders would seek to bask "in the glow of a billionaire" while "offending their congregants and offending their cloth." From the pulpit of his National Action Network, he preached: "Let us not forget that Jesus was a refugee, and they are meeting with someone who has taken a mean stance against refugees. I don't know how you preach Jesus, a refugee, on Sunday and then deal with a refugee-basher on Monday without raising the question." Corletta J. Vaughn of Detroit said "You've got to be kidding me!" about the idea of endorsing Trump. Later Vaughn posted on her Facebook page: "Trump is an insult and embarrassment ... ZERO experience ... Flaunting a ticket of unbridled bigotry, sexism, racism and everything that is wrong with America." Bishop Paul S. Morton of the Full Gospel Baptist Church Fellowship tweeted that "I refused because until he learns how to respect people you can't represent me thru my endorsement." After the meeting only Darrell Scott, the Cleveland-area minister who helped organize the session and was obviously already on board, publicly endorsed The Donald. So Trump's "great love" seems to be yet another bad joke.

Later, in a scathing Ebony op-ed piece, more than 100 African-American academic and faith leaders urged colleagues not to endorse "anti-Black" Trump, saying: "Mr. Trump routinely uses overtly divisive and racist language on the campaign trail. Most recently, he admitted his supporters were justified for punching and kicking a Black protester who had attended a Trump rally with the intent to remind the crowd that 'Black Lives Matter.' Trump followed this action by tweeting inaccurate statistics about crime prevalence rates in Black communities—insinuating that Black people are more violent than other groups."

After all his bluster and bragging about how "tough" he is, Trump quickly become a quivering bundle of fear after the Paris terrorist attacks. Trump now insists that the world's most powerful nation must close mosques, saying: "There's absolutely no choice" and that we have to do things that were "frankly unthinkable" a short time ago. He soon added torture (waterboarding) to the list of "unthinkable" things that will "absolutely" be required. Later, he encouraged Americans to spy on their neighbors: "You're pretty smart, right? We know if there's something going on, report them. Most likely you'll be wrong, but that's OK." His "recommendation" is obvious to his followers who think as he does: There is no need to spy on white Christians, who can always be trusted, but anyone with darker skin and/or who is not an orthodox Christian is suspect. This is how Hitler thought, talked and operated. Trump's descent into fear and fascism is a bad joke on Americans, as he parrots the Nazi claim that "security must rule." Trump insists that surrendering to irrational fears is "leadership" and that anyone more rational is "weak" and "low energy." (Hitler was very high energy, but his surrender to irrational fears led to WWII and the Holocaust.) How irrational is Trump? Well, he has dreamed up a "military coup" that no real military expert has even remotely suggested, claiming: "This could be one of the great military coups of all time if they send them to our country: young, strong people and they turn out to be ISIS." But how on earth are a few thousand homeless refugees going to defeat the most powerful military on the planet and take over a nation of 300 million people? The idea is ludicrous. People who live in fear of things that cannot possibly happen are insane. Thus Trump, by his own admission, is insane. Yes, there is the danger of terrorism whether we allow Syrian refugees to enter the U.S., or not. But the chance of a "military coup" created by refugees is absolutely nil, zip, nada. If Trump does not understand this, he is not intelligent enough or wise enough to be president. If he does understand it, and yet chooses to whip the American public into a fearful frenzy in order to garner votes, he is a treasonous demagogue. In either case, he should never become commander-in-chief of the most powerful military on earth.

Should Americans vote for a quivering bundle of irrational fears? If we do, the joke is on us as a nation. As one critic pointed out, Trump has gone "full Nazi" with his calls for previously "unthinkable" measures under his plan to let security "rule," rather than reason and common sense. Here is Trump sounding like the second coming of Herr Hitler: "We're going to have to do things that we never did before. And some people are going to be upset about it, but I think that now everybody is feeling that security is going to rule. And certain things will be done that we never thought would happen in this country ... and so we're going to have to do certain things that were frankly unthinkable a year ago."

When asked four times how his "security" plans for Muslims were any different from Hitler's "security" plans for Jews during the Holocaust, Trump's only answer was "You tell me." That response suggests that Trump is ignorant of the history of the Holocaust and the lessons it should have taught us, or that he does understand the immense dangers, yet still favors "security" based on racial profiling databases and surveillance of synagogues and mosques. The next time a Jew commits a crime, will all synagogues require advanced surveillance? If a Hispanic person commits a crime, will all Hispanics require special scrutiny? If a black gang has a shootout, will all black Americans go into a gigantic database? However, we can be certain that crimes committed by white Christians will not result in extraordinary security measures. After all, according to racists like Trump all crimes committed by white Christians are committed by individuals, while everyone with darker skin can be grouped together and stereotyped as dark, dirty and dangerous ... the way the Nazis once stereotyped Jews and Gypsies.

Trump the jokester is such a chauvinist that he once tweeted: "If Hillary can't satisfy her husband, how can she satisfy America?" Egad, what a cad!

Yet another sick joke is Trump's pandering to the so-called "religious right," which lives in the fairytale belief that everything about Christianity is good and everything about Islam is "evil." Other Republican presidential candidates are almost as bad, wanting to accept Christian refugees but not Muslims, on the absurd theory that Christians never commit crimes. Have they forgotten Christian terrorists like Timothy McVeigh, Eric Rudolph, Hitler, Henry VIII, Pope Urban II, Pope Innocent III, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld? But Trump wants to single out Muslims, create a database or "watch list" and monitor them the way Nazi Germany once monitored Jews during the Holocaust. Is that Christian? What would Jesus Christ do, one wonders? Perhaps his most famous parable is the one about the Good Samaritan (i.e., a Palestinian) who showed compassion to a Jew. The moral of the parable is obvious: human beings should put aside religious differences to help each other, and a religion that does not practice compassion for people of other religions is misguided and immoral. Furthermore, applying religious tests is un-American and unconstitutional. The American founding fathers made it very clear that one religion or sect was not to be favored over another, and that religion should have absolutely no influence over government (Jefferson's famous "wall of separation"). In return, Americans are free to believe whatever they prefer to believe (or not believe), without government interference, as long as they obey the laws of the land. As President Obama correctly pointed out about religious tests: "That's not American, it's not who we are. We don't have religious tests to our compassion." Nor did Jesus Christ.

Sarah Palin told an amusing joke recently when she claimed that "Jesus would fight for our Second Amendment." She seems to have missed the fact that according to the Bible, Jesus never "carried" a sword himself and never "fought" anyone even when his own life was at stake. When Peter used a sword to defend him, Jesus told him to put it away. Palin seems to have confused Jesus with Rambo.

The best Ben Carson joke so far is that he has been "much more strenuously vetted" than President Obama ever was. Why does Carson appear to be constantly misinformed? Probably because he gets his "facts" from Faux News.

Carson has joined Trump in stereotyping Muslim refugees, comparing them to a "rabid dog" in the neighborhood. According to Carson we should engage our intellects when we see a rabid dog. But if I see a rabid dog, should I jump to the conclusion that all dogs have rabies? That seems to be the "intellectual" process that takes place when right-wing wackos see Muslims. They don't want to be bothered by the fact that if one in a million dogs has rabies, there is no need to deport or quarantine all dogs. Rather, we should watch for aberrant behavior in individual dogs and single them out for special attention.

A common joke that Trump and Carson share is the bitterness of their complaints when the media quotes what they have said publicly. Trump accused Megyn Kelly of "unfairness" for quoting his public insults of women. Carson claims that he is being treated far less fairly than President Obama when for the most part the media is just quoting what he said himself. How is that "unfair" considering the intense public scrutiny of Democrats like Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and President Obama? It seems the pot is calling the kettle black, since Republicans have been at the forefront of the investigations of Democrats. I am reminded of the bully who whines and sniffles when he gets his nose bloodied by someone willing to trade blows with him.

Another endlessly amusing Ben Carson joke is the one about him being ready to become president of the United States. He obviously subscribes to zany conspiracy theories and is woefully weak on foreign policy. The latter was recently confirmed by one of his advisers: "Nobody has been able to sit down with him and have him get one iota of intelligent information about the Middle East," Duane R. Clarridge, an adviser to Carson on terrorism and national security, said in an interview. He also said that Carson requires weekly briefings on foreign policy so "we can make him smart." But how can anyone help a man so gullible that he believes the pyramids of Egypt were grain silos, that Obamacare is the "worst thing" to happen to America since slavery (what about the Civil War, World War I, World War II, 9-11, etc.?), that Planned Parenthood was created to eliminate black Americans, and that Jews could have prevented the Holocaust if only they had the right to bear arms (can massively outnumbered civilians armed with revolvers and rifles withstand panzers and fighter planes, when the militaries of powerful nations like France could not?).

Ben Carson is such a crackpot that he would shoot down down a Russian plane if it accidentally violated a U.S.-led no-fly zone over Syria, risking an unnecessary war: "If they violate it, we will, in fact, enforce it. We'll see what happens. For us to always be backing down because we're afraid of a conflict, that's not how we became a great nation." Should our foreign policy be to shoot down planes to "see what happens," really? According to Crazy Ben Carson, the U.S. became a great nation by having a hair trigger and rushing into avoidable wars. Trump and Carson seem to be in a competition to become the biggest, brashest bully on the international block.

Shortly after Carson said that he would shoot down Russian planes to see what happens, Turkey shot down a Russian fighter. Does anyone really think anything good will come of that? But even Mr. Putin recognized the futility of going to war over a mistake in judgment. Rather than attacking Turkey with Russia's powerful military, he banned Russian tourists from entering Turkey, an action that will cost Turkey a lot of money. Putin is wiser than Carson because he recognizes that military actions can cause more problems than they correct.

Trump recently called himself the "most militaristic person on the [debate] stage, despite the presence of Lindsey Graham who wants to put American boots on the ground to fight four wars simultaneously in the Middle East (in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran and Syria), leaving troops there "for as long as it takes." Jeb Bush is so militaristic that he has hired some of the same neo-con security advisers who recommended that his brother's administration invade Iraq. Ted Cruz has threatened to introduce Iran's supreme leader to the 72 virgins (i.e., to assassinate a head of state). Trump claims to be more militaristic than a screeching bevy of war hawks and also said, "I love the fact that Putin is bombing the hell out of somebody."

And just how "tough" are the Republican presidential candidates, really, if they are terrified of allowing refugee women and children to enter the United States? Chris Christie is intimidated by toddlers: "I don't think orphans under five are being, you know, should be admitted into the United States at this point." But Trump, Carson and Cruz are even more cowardly, as they would ban ALL Syrian refugees, including women, toddlers and babies. How can politicians leap from claiming to be able to stare down Putin, to quivering in abject fear of babies? The bad joke is on us, if we elect them to our nation's highest office.

Another unfunny Trump joke is the one about people being safer if an entire stadium is armed and civilian Rambos start shooting when terrorists attack. Suppose everyone in the Paris stadium had been armed: how many of them would have shot each other in the chaos, having no idea which people firing weapons were terrorists? It would be very dangerous for trained professionals to fire weapons in a crowded stadium, much less civilians. If hundreds or thousands of untrained civilians started shooting, the death count of innocents would surely go up, not down.

Another bad joke is the one in which Trump insists that everyone else must be "nice" to him, while he gets personal and insults anyone he pleases: calling Marco Rubio "weak as a baby" and ridiculing him for sweating during debates, comparing Ben Carson to a child molester, calling Megyn Kelly a "bimbo," and acting as if women should be judged by Trump's estimation of their looks rather than their character and accomplishments. Hell, he even insults entire nations and races, using insensitive terms like "the blacks." He is tone deaf to his lack of sensitivity and defends indefensible insults by saying he's not a slave to "political correctness." But it is not "politically incorrect" to suggest that Rubio is "weak as a baby" or that Carly Fiorina should not be president because of "that face." Such comments are indecent. If a student said such things during class, a good teacher would force him to apologize, then make him sit in the corner until he was ready to act decently. Now it's time for voters to put Trump in permanent "time out" for his indecency. Why permanent? Because his disease is pathological, and as Trump pointed out himself, pathological diseases cannot be cured.

Another amusing joke that Trump tells about himself is the one that his ludicrous pie-in-the-sky is "tough talk" but "common sense talk." Is it "common sense" to arm entire stadiums so that wanna-be Rambos can kill shoot each other in vain attempts to identify and take out terrorists? Is it "common sense" to deport 11 million people, including American citizens, without due process? How about insulting women for not being tens by the Trump gauge, when more than half  the American electorate is female?

Trump is also clearly joking about his ability to predict terrorist attacks. He recently said, "In my book I predicted terrorism because I can feel it. I can feel it like I feel a good location." But this is obviously a bad joke, because Trump never predicted the location of the terrorist attacks on 9-11. He's a very rich man. If he had any inkling that terrorists were about to attack the Twin Towers, he could have hired people to spread the word. But of course he didn't. Therefore, he clearly had no clue about the location of the attacks. 

But surely the biggest Trump-supplied joke is his promise that "We will have so much winning if I get elected, that you may get bored with winning." His campaign anthem should be Heart's "Magic Man." His mascot should be a magician's white rabbit.

One Trump critic has an interesting idea. Rather than trying to mass deport 11 million Hispanics, why not initiate an Operation Trumpback and deport Trump to his family's country of origin, Germany? After all, Germany is currently accepting refugees, and that would be poetic justice (not to mention ridding America of a major nuisance).

Dump
Trump
like a malignant lump!
— Michael R. Burch

If we don't dump
Trump
the chump'll
hump
us in the rump!
— Michael R. Burch

If the Whos had elected the Grinch
to "protect" them in a pinch,
that'd be be like American grumps
voting for Donald Trump's
bizarre "security" plan
to level Syria and Iran.
And as for stealing the oil—how zany!
It's already been tried, by Dick Cheney.
— Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump
shrieked from the stump
his not-so-impressive
fascist message:
"Surrender to hate!
Make American grate!"
— Michael R. Burch

Top Ten Jokes from Donald Trump's Appearance on Saturday Night Live

(10) "Many of the greats have hosted this show, like me in 2004." — Donald Trump, opening monologue, Saturday Night Live, November 7, 2016
(9) "He's gonna make America grapes again!" — SNL's Drunk Uncle (perhaps a pun on "sour grapes" and the "grapes of wrath" of the Civil War, which was fought over racism)
      "Finally, Colin…someone is saying the things that I have been thinking. As well as, saying. It's like I'm running for President!" — SNL's Drunk Uncle, played by Bobby Moynihan 
      "He's got money, women, TV shows, plaza, Miss America, orange hair. He's perfect. He's like a big, old, beautiful Monopoly Man." — SNL's Drunk Uncle
(8) "It's hard to be president because the White House is the smallest place Donald and I have ever lived, you know, but we made it work." — President Trump's wife Melania, played by Cecily Strong
(7) The Secretary of the Interior reports White House renovations and dipping the Washington Monument in gold mirrored glass. The work is "ahead of schedule" and "under budget." — Trump's daughter Ivanka as herself
(6) "After your face-to-face meeting, Putin has withdrawn from Ukraine. Believe me, he does not want to be called a loser again. He cried for hours." — Trump's Secretary of State (The Apprentice's Omarosa Manigault)
(5) Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto presents Trump with a check, then says: "As history shows us, nothing brings two countries together like a wall." — SNL's Beck Bennett as President Nieto
      Trump hugs Nieto and thanks him for making Telemundo an "all English" channel.
(4) "As a businessman, I can fully respect that." — Trump's response when told that Larry David, playing Bernie Sanders, had heckled him for money (a $5,000 bounty for interrupting the show)
(3) "She said some things about me that were hurtful and untrue. I said some things about her that were mean but completely accurate." — Trump about his nasty remarks about Rosie O'Donnell
(2) Trump shows his "moves" (or lack of them) by "dancing" to Drake's Hotline Bling.
(1) "A lot of people are saying Donald, you're the most amazing guy. You're brilliant, you're handsome, you're rich, you have everything going. The world is waiting for you to be president. So why are you hosting Saturday Night Live? And the answer is, I have really nothing better to do." — Donald Trump

Honorable Mentions from the "White House 2018" segment:

"Prosperity is at an all-time high."
"Everyone loves the new laws you tweeted."
A general reports that ISIS has been completely eliminated, Syria is at peace, the refugees have all returned, and Syrians are "very happy" to have jobs as blackjack dealers at the Trump casino in Damascus.
The American economy is "amazing" and "it's huge!"
"After your tough negotiations with China, we are killing them on trade. They are now borrowing money from us!"
The American people are unhappy. Why? "They're just sick of winning!" a staffer explained. "They're winning so much! It's just too great, sir!"

Perhaps the most honest part of Trump's appearance on SNL comes when he "explains" his astounding "success" as president:

"Well, you know what, I don't have to get specific. With me, it just works, you know, it's magic."

Perhaps his new campaign anthem should be Heart's "Magic Man."

Other Honorable Mentions:

"Like what years are you talking about specifically dude? Whenever rich, old, white guys start bringing up the good old days, my negro senses start tingling. I mean, after all those years of progress, Trump's going to really go with, No, I think we had it right the first time." — Michael Che, on Donald Trump's promise to "make America great again"

Top Ten Donald Trump Tweets from his SNL Appearance

An extremely credible source just told me that Kenan Thompson's birth certificate is a fraud. — Donald Trump "angry tweet"
Sorry folks, but add a 'y' to 'Kenan' and you get 'Kenyan.' — Donald Trump "angry tweet"
Cecily Strong is not funny. — Donald Trump "angry tweet"
Kate McKinnon was born stupid. — Donald Trump "angry tweet"
This sketch is not funny. @TaranKillam is a dumb loser. — Donald Trump "angry tweet"
Who would marry @TaranKillam? He's an over-rated clown. — Donald Trump "angry tweet"
@VanessaBayer is an average talent and a total loser. — Donald Trump "angry tweet"
@VanessaBayer is a lazy performer and should be deported. — Donald Trump "angry tweet"
I love SNL. SNL loves me. But everyone in this sketch is a total loser who can bite my dust. — Donald Trump "angry tweet"
I love the blacks. — Donald Trump "fake love tweet"

Did SNL, Lorne Michaels and NBC put ratings, money and a few laughs above common decency and the best interests of the nation? Would SNL give a platform to the KKK, Nazis, skinheads or anti-semites? Protesters gathered around 30 Rock and the Rockefeller Center in New York City on the Saturday before Trump's episode began, while the president of the National Hispanic Media Coalition, Alex Nogales, released a statement on the situation: "Saturday Night Live is not a news program, it is a cultural touchstone. Providing such a platform for somebody who so clearly holds false and disparaging opinions of so many segments of this country is a dangerous proposition that legitimizes Trump's hateful views and rewards his hate speech." Brent Wilkes, executive director of the League of United Latin American Citizens, agreed: "There's nothing funny about racism. This gentleman has said some very negative, racist things about the Latino community. We believe he's a bigot. He's racist… There's no place for somebody like that on Saturday Night Live." But NBC, despite having promised to end its business relationship with Trump because of his racist remarks about Mexican immigrants, was in no mood to keep its promises if that meant turning down a ratings magnet.

More Donald Trump Puns

According to Mel Brooks, Donald Trump is too big too fail ... too important according to needy late-night comedians, that is.
Toupée or not toupée for professional government: that is the hair-raising question created by Donald Trump's candidacy. — Michael R. Burch
Trump appeals to right-wingnuts because when the going gets tough, they wig out. — Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump has taken the Peter Principle to unprecedented heights. Or depths. — Michael R. Burch

The Peter Principle says that managers rise to the level of their incompetence.

Crazy Ben Carson Jokes

"He clearly has no idea what he's talking about," said one South Carolina Republican.
"Ben Carson's complete ineptitude makes you long for the days of 'Uz-beki-beki-stan-stan,"" said an Iowa Republican, referring to a disastrous Herman Cain interview four years ago.
"Carson is so clueless," said an Iowa GOP insider, "he thinks the Kurds are a special kind of Wisconsin cheese."
"First we say, you can't come into this country until I see you eat bacon while singing a Christmas carol!" SNL's parody of Carson after he said that only Christian refugees should be allowed to enter the US.
Ben Carson stated that homosexuality is a choice, but "unfortunately for him, so are elections." SNL's Michael Che

Top Ten Republican Ideas to "Make America Great Again"

Allow suspected terrorists to buy assault weapons.
Reject the Iran peace deal in order to attack Iran on the same false premises employed against Iraq: WMDs that do not exist and couldn't be used if they did.
Pretend that the solution to the ISIL problem is to "bomb the s**t" out of them, when that's what the US military and its allies are already doing.
Support Israel's brutal ethnic cleansing of Palestinians, while claiming to believe in democracy, equality and justice for all human beings.
Deny women the right to choose, returning them to Dark Ages.
Let women die delivering unviable babies, so that two lives are lost when one could have been saved.
Force teenage rape victims to bear their rapists' progeny, on the premise that the rape was "God's will" rather than a criminal's free will.
Force teenage victims of incest to become mothers against their will.
Deny gays the right to marry "because the Bible says so," even though the Bible commands slavery, sex slavery, the stoning of children for misdemeanors, and other similar horrors.
Deny the evidence of global warming, evolution, sexual preference being biological rather than a "choice," etc., because primitive beliefs always trump facts and science.

Top Ten Donald Trump Campaign Slogans

Make America hate again. 
Make America grate again.
Make America second rate again, at dispensing justice.
Make America wait again, for true equality.
Make America late again, to treat everyone fairly.
Make America checkmate justice again. 
Make America bait the traps for minorities again.
Make America tempt fate again, with more violence-producing racial injustices.
Make America prate again, about how "superior" white Christians are to everyone else.
Make America denigrate people with darker skin again. 

Sarah Palin got in on the fun recently, putting out a "feeler" during a Saturday Night Live skit with Jerry Seinfeld about launching a bid for president in 2016 with Trump as her running mate. Seinfeld called Palin "Tina," perhaps suggesting that she should stick to comedy and avoid actual politics like the plague.

An Iranian Instagram user suggested that the GOP presidential candidates should can the inflammatory war talk, "keep calm and drink some Persian tea." Another Iranian called Trump "officially crazy."

For a larger selection of Donald Trump puns, please click here: The Best Donald Trump Puns

Well Hell, Let's Make it the Top Fifty Donald Trump Jokes, with a Few to Spare

If you're suffering from irritable bowels, quick-acting Trump Dump provides "elite constipation relief." ― galleryoftheabsurd.com 
Donald Trump said that he was running for president as a Republican. That's funny, because I thought he was running as a joke. ― Seth Meyers
Donald Trump is like what a hobo imagines a rich man to be. When he makes a decision, he must think to himself: "What would a cartoon rich person do? ... Run for president!" ― John Mulaney
Why is Donald Trump orange from head to toe? Well, space cadets do drink lots of Tang ... — Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump gave a big speech in Dallas last night, and began by pointing out that he wasn't using a teleprompter. Then he yelled at Gary Busey to hold the cue cards higher. ― Jimmy Fallon
If Dr. Carson was ever going to hit anybody with a hammer, it'd be Donald Trump after all the things he said. — South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham
#DonaldTrump wants to deport 11 million people and have immigrants in future only arrive for legal reasons, like marrying rich older men. — Janice Hough
Jimmy Kimmel's Lie Witness News accused Donald Trump of adjusting his toupée during the third debate, before the debate started. Is this art imitating life, or just comedians imitating Trump?
Mike Tyson has endorsed Trump, another reason for American women to swoon over The Donald, in addition to his money, power, looks and patriarchal attitude. — Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump said he would replace Obamacare with something called Donaldcare. He claims it would save billions by denying coverage to preexisting Hispanics. ― Conan O'Brien
New national poll numbers show Dr. Ben Carson has pulled within four points of frontrunner Donald Trump. And I'm sure it's not the first time Trump has been closely pursued by a brain surgeon. — Seth Meyers
The entire first debate was basically a two-hour circus sideshow with an old piece of luggage covered in Cheez Whiz as its center. ― John Oliver
Donald Trump will bring to the presidency what the early leaders of America did: fake hair. — @SarahRkein
Trump says he doesn't understand why he's sinking in the polls with evangelicals. Could it be that they believe Jesus Christ is God, while Trump believes He is God? — Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump announces this morning that he will run for president. His hair will announce on Friday. — Albert Brooks
Donald Trump just gave away the fact that he thinks he running for kingship, when he talked about the Bush "reign." — Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump accused Huma Abedin of sharing state secrets with her husband. I think Trump clearly lacks a sense of Huma. — Michael R. Burch
Trump Entertainment Resorts declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Or as Donald Trump describes Chapter 11, "Back-to-back number ones!" ― Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump warned the press to lay off that thing on his head, or he will sic it at 'em. — Michael R. Burch
Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife. ― Conan O'Brien
Experience? Republicans avoid that stuff like a gay son! — Bill Maher, explaining the lack of experience of the GOP frontrunners for president
Did evangelical Christians mistake Donald Trump's hairpiece for a halo, while ignoring the obvious signs that he worships Mammon? — Michael R. Burch
Jimmy Kimmel described The Donald as "a president and an amusement park all rolled into one."
According to Larry Wilmore, Trump is a "gift" of the Comedy Gods to late night comedians. (He is, it seems, the gift that keeps giving.)
It's simply not true that Donald Trump has no experience in foreign affairs. Hell, two of his foreign affairs resulted in marriages! — Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump insists that he is going to run for president. I guess he figures if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything. ― Jimmy Kimmel
Yesterday in New York City, Donald Trump officially changed his political affiliation from Republican to Independent. And Donald's hair has switched from pelt to carpet sample. ― Jay Leno
The truth can finally be told: Donald Trump's autism was caused by a vaccination that went terribly wrong; this explains why he can't relate to other people. — Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump often appears on Fox News, which is ironic because a fox often appears on his head. — Seth Meyers
What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black. — Unknown
Some lovers wear their hearts on their sleeves; Donald Trump is a comedian who wears his best joke on his scalp. — Michael R. Burch
Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants, when an undocumented alien has been occupying his head for the past two decades! — Unknown
People are mad a Donald Trump for allegedly making a joke about Megyn Kelly having her period. Trump said, 'Trust me, I know what goes on down there, because I'm a huge douche.' ― Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump not only wants to mass deport 11 million Hispanics, he also wants to deport the Taco Bell chihuahua. — Michael R. Burch
What Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un lack in humility, they make up for in hair style. — blissgrunteled1 
It's hard to forget that Donald Trump is rich, successful, handsome and "intelligent" because he keeps reminding us every day. But is that intelligent? — Michael R. Burch
Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents—doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem. … This is what I've been waiting for my whole life: a president who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying asshole. — Lewis Black 
I don't even have anything to say to him. He's said everything he wants to say. He has no internal monologue, so it's not like you're going to find the secret nugget he's been holding back. He's an open book—and that book doesn't have many interesting words in it. ― John Oliver

"Donald Trump is the most uninformed person I've ever met running for president when it comes to foreign policy. He has no clue of what he's talking about. Don't replace President Obama with Donald Trump; it will get worse, not better. Mr. Trump's view of the world is really pretty delusional when you look at it. He has no idea what he's talking about. And over time that will take a toll, I hope. If it doesn't, here's what he's doing: He's building a third term for the Democratic Party in the White House. He's building a wall between the Republican Party and Hispanics. His immigration position is mean, is cruel, is impractical. What he's saying is going to hurt us for generations to come with Hispanics, who should be our voters. And his foreign policy is even more than naive than Barack Obama. Other than that, he's a good candidate for president." — South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham

According to Conan O'Brien, it's hard to make up jokes about Donald Trump because he's broken through a "crazy barrier" than no one has ever penetrated before. (Well, perhaps Hitler and company.) For instance, Trump recently appeared at an anti-peace-with-Iran rally with Sarah Palin and Ted Cruz. It is difficult to find anything amusing to say about three warmongers who want to destroy another Middle Eastern country over weapons it does not have, in order to "protect" the United States and Israel, which do have nukes and thus are in no real danger of being "destroyed" themselves. Nazi Germany claimed that it was "threatened" by Poland in order to justify its invasion of Poland. But of course Poland posed no real threat to Germany. American and Israeli fascists have used similar fictional "threats" to justify the invasion of Iraq and the pending war with Iran. If there is another war waged on false premises, it will be very difficult to tell jokes about the people who started it. Trump, Palin and Cruz are jokes in that they lack sense. But their cries for an attack on Iran are far from funny.

However, if you want to update your collection, there are more Donald Trump jokes at the bottom of this page.

After Trump canceled a scheduled appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, the host joked: "At least we didn't have to build a wall around Guillermo [his Mexican sidekick and security guard.]" 

Meanwhile, Trump continued to defame Hispanics, saying that if Ford builds a factory in Mexico, "Illegals are going drive those cars right over the border ... and they'll probably end up stealing the cars." So according to Trump, even if Mexicans have good-paying jobs, they will steal because that's their nature. They don't cross the border and break laws because they're poor, but because they're born lazy and shiftless. Trump reminds me of Nazis who portrayed Jews and Gypsies as being dirty and dangerous by birth and nature.

Hispanic comedians are fighting fire with fire. "Los Hijos de Trump"—"Sons of Trump"— premiered in Mexico City recently, to the delight of locals who want to even the score with the New York tycoon who's made anti-immigrant sentiments a pillar of his campaign. Throughout the show, the comedians take easy shots at the conservative frontrunner. For instance, at an Indian meditation retreat, Trump is naked except for a towel, black socks and shiny shoes. The audience explodes with laughter as a monk ducks under the towel, clutching a magnifying glass to locate Trump's manhood.

Meanwhile, Trump has been attacking Ben Carson since he became the Republican frontrunner for president in some polls. Trump went a step further when he diagnosed Dr. Ben Carson's malady, telling Bill O'Reilly: "When you suffer from pathological disease, you're not really getting better unless you start taking lots of pills and things." This was on the Fox News program The O'Reilly Factor, which claims to be a "spin-free zone." Trump later tweeted that "The Carson story is either a total fabrication or, if true, even worsetrying to hit mother over the head with a hammer or stabbing friend!"

Trump, who claims to be "the most militaristic person on the planet" also told O'Reilly that Russia bombing targets in Syria is "terrific" even though there are reports that Russia is not attacking ISIS, but other anti-Assad forces.

President Obama got in on the fun at a 2011 White House Correspondents' Association dinner in Washington, D.C. At the time Trump was at the height of his birther fantasies, and just days before the state of Hawaii had, at the President's request, released Obama's long-form birth certificate in order to end, or try to end, the nonsense. Having referred to that act, Obama joshed: "I know that he's taken some flack lately—no one is prouder to put this birth-certificate matter to rest than the Donald. And that's because he can finally get back to the issues that matter, like: Did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And—where are Biggie and Tupac?" The President went on, "We all know about your credentials and breadth of experience. For example—no, seriously—just recently, in an episode of Celebrity Apprentice"—there was laughter at the mention of the program's name. Obama explained that, when a team did not impress, Trump "didn't blame Lil Jon or Meatloaf—you fired Gary Busey. And these are the kinds of decisions that would keep me up at night."

John Macks, a seven-time Emmy winner who wrote jokes for Jay Leno for 22 years, has called Donald Trump a "gift" to comedy writers. Here are some of his zingers ...

As a longtime late-night writer, let me make confirm this: even if the far far right abandons Trump over time, he can count on the support of late-night writers until the polls close in November 2016.
Trump will say anything without thinking and without being hampered by the facts. The man said he will defeat ISIS! How can he beat ISIS when he just got the crap kicked out of him by 51 Miss USA contestants?
Trump is truly a politician in the truest meaning of the word. As Jay Leno once said in his monologue: politics, comes from the Greek word poly, which means many, and tics, which means bloodsucking insects.
We [comedy writers] need a good old-fashioned crazy candidate. And by crazy, I mean crazy like a Fox ... News.

"I'm just like you, a regular Joe, but better."  — SNL's Taran Killam, playing Donald Trump and proving that imitation is not always the sincerest form of flattery

Q: What's the difference between Donald Trump and a professional criminal?
A:  Professional criminals don't come up with lame excuses for things they claim never happened.

Trump tried to explain his father's arrest at a KKK rally by first claiming that his father was never at the rally, and then―in the same sentence―claiming that the arrest didn't matter because no charges were filed. First, Trump denied that his father had ever lived on the street listed in the newspaper report, then he denied that his father was arrested. "There were zero charges against him. So assuming it was him — I don't even think it was him, I never even heard about it. So it's really not fair to mention. It never happened." Trump's response was so surreal that the Times interviewer was prompted to refer to it as "pasta against the wall."

Here's the deal, Mr. Art of the Deal. If it is a wig, sue the wigmaker. If it isn't a wig, get one pronto. And in the meantime, stop insulting other people's looks. — Michael R. Burch

A new study found that Donald Trump supporters have the worst grammar on Facebook. Now angry Trump fans are saying: "Not true, my grammar is/was a great person, and so is my grampa." — Left Coast Sports Babe

Congrats to the Toronto Blue Jays for winning AL East. Stand by for #Trump to complain about immigrants taking more from Americans. — Left Coast Sports Babe

Donald Trump has been playing Aerosmith's power ballad "Dream On" at campaign events, despite the protests of Steven Tyler. But does Trump realize that the song concludes with the refrain, "Maybe tomorrow the Good Lord will take you away"?

Trump continued to hammer Jeb Bush: "Bush has no money, he's meeting today with mommy and daddy [in Texas], and they're working on his campaign. He's a guy wants to run our country and he can't even run his own campaign."

Trump mocked Marco Rubio for sweating and drinking water: "Have you ever seen a guy sweat like Rubio?" Trump asked.

Trump also derided Ben Carson as being "super low on energy."  "He's even lower-energy than Bush," Trump said. Trump also took a shot at Carson for his religion. "I'm Presbyterian. That's down the middle of road," he said. "I mean, Seventh-day Adventist I don't know about." Carson is a Seventh-day Adventist, a Protestant denomination that believes in a literal reading of the Bible.

Donald Trump Limericks

There once was a candidate, Trump,
who elected to take to the stump:
"Vote for me, whee!,
because I am ME,
and everyone else is a chump!"
— Michael R. Burch

Things that go bump in the night
fill Trump with irrational fright;
his brain hits the skids;
he cries, "Ban the kids!"
Is cowardice Trump's kryptonite?
— Michael R. Burch

There once was a brash billionaire
who couldn't afford decent hair.
The voters agreed,
"We're nation in need!"
But toupée the price, do we dare?
— Michael R. Burch

Top Ten Donald Trump Blatant Lies

Trump claims that he personally saw people jumping from the Twin Towers on 9-11, from four miles away through a thick curtain of smoke!
Trump claims that he personally saw "thousands and thousands" of New Jersey Muslims celebrating on 9-11, a claim that has been debunked by the police and media. If Trump saw this on TV, where are the film clips?
Trump claims that 81% of white homicide victims are killed by blacks; PolitiFact gave this lie a "pants on fire" rating. It is racist BS. The actual FBI figure is 15%.
Trump claims that the Mexican government deliberately "sends the bad ones over" to get rid of them; PolitiFact gave this lie a "pants on fire" rating. It is more racist BS.
Trump claims that there are 30 to 34 million illegal immigrants in the U.S.; PolitiFact gave this lie a "pants on fire" rating. More racist BS. The actual figure is closer to 10 million.
Trump is a birther who claims that none of Barack Obama's classmates remember him, but in reality many do. PolitiFact gave this lie a "pants on fire" rating. More racist BS.
Trump claims the U.S. unemployment is as high as 42%; PolitiFact gave this lie a "pants on fire" rating, saying Trump's figure is "way off the charts."
The New York Times called Trump a serial liar: "In the Republican field, Mr. Trump has distinguished himself as fastest to dive to the bottom. If it's a lie too vile to utter aloud, count on Mr. Trump to say it, often."
The Washington Post said: "We are at the point in Donald Trump's campaign when it's difficult to decide whether to focus on his unconstitutional policy proposals or his blatant lies."
According to PolitiFact, nearly every "fact" Trump cites is a half-truth or an outright lie. He is only "mostly" true around 5% of the time, and lying in one form or another 95% of the time.

The Washington Post's conclusion: "Trump has lied so many times about so many things during the past week that it's difficult to keep track of all of them. But it doesn't matter whether one focuses on Trump's attitudes about crime or American Muslims or trade policy. He lies about all of these issues. And he will continue to lie as long as it works for him."

Top Ten Signs that Donald Trump is Heading a Fascist Movement

(10) The "white victim complex" in which the "good white Christians" become the victims of dark, dirty, dangerous Jews, Muslims, Hispanics, et al.
(9) Fervent nationalism, in which "superior" nations like Germany, Italy and the U.S. can do nothing wrong and have the "right" to bully "inferior" nations.
(8) An obsession with national purity and cleansing purges of "undesirable" people like Jews, Muslims and Hispanics who are stereotyped as being shiftless, lazy and evil by nature.
(7) The cult of personality: Hitler, Mussolini, Trump.
(6) Suppression of free speech and the right of dissent; anyone who contradicts Herr Hitler or Herr Trump can be silenced or thrown out.
(5) Organized violence, including people being beaten up by Herr Trump's followers when he speaks.
(4) Support for wars of aggression, such as Herr Trump's loose talk about invading Syria and using the U.S. military to steal oil to pay the war costs.
(3) Closure of suspect places of worship: synagogues, mosques, etc.
(2) Databases of "undesirable" people such as Jews, Muslims and Hispanics.
(1) Spreading false information about "undesirable" people in order to inflame the public against them.

Top Ten Descriptions and Characterizations of Donald Trump

"I am the most fabulous whiner. I do whine, because I want to win." — Donald Trump describing himself on CNN's "New Day" to host Chris Cuomo
Trump is "the GOP's unhinged front-runner." — Robert Schlesinger, managing editor for opinion at U.S. News & World Report
Forced federal registration of US citizens, based on religious identity, is fascism. Period. Nothing else to call it." — John Noonan, a conservative national security adviser
Trump "has moved from rabble-rousing to demagoguery, or something even uglier." — U.S. News & World Report, quoting a John Cassidy article in The New Yorker
Trump is a "peripatetic political showman." — The Fiscal Times
Trump is an "immigrant-bashing carnival barker." — TIME Magazine, quoting presidential candidate Martin O'Malley
"Donald Trump is the world's greatest troll." — FiveThirtyEight Politics
"Trumpism exemplifies much that is problematic about American populism." — Weekly Standard
Trump has absorbed "every conceivable resentment (race, class, sex, religion, economic) ... promising a new order of things under his mighty hand." — Jeffrey Tucker, quoted in Salon
"Trump is the 'hero' of SNL's Drunk Uncle, David Duke, the KKK, neo-Nazis, white supremacists, skinheads, secessionists, and seemingly every disaffected American who has lost the ability to think rationally." — Michael R. Burch

Jim Sherota attended Trump's rally in Mobile, Alabama, and told The New York Times before Trump's arrival that he hoped Trump would announce a plan to issue licenses for hunting undocumented immigrants and offer $50 for "every confirmed kill." Trump's anti-immigrant rhetoric has inspired brutal violence against immigrants. Scott and Steve Leader, brothers accused of severely beating a homeless Latino man in Boston, told the state troopers who arrested them: "Donald Trump was right, all these illegals need to be deported." Trump's condemnation of the attack was at best half-hearted. He called it a "shame," but then attributed the brutal assault to "passion," "love of country" and patriots wanting to follow his lead in "making this country great again." He seems to be tone-deaf to his own racism and insensitivity, and not much worried about the violence his words spawn.

Etymology, Definition and History of the Name "Trump"

From the Oxford English Dictionary: Trump: (vt. slang) break wind audibly [like a fart!]

From the Online Etymology Dictionary: Trump (v.): "fabricate, devise," 1690s, from trump "deceive, cheat" (1510s), from Middle English trumpen (late 14c.), from Old French tromper "to deceive," of uncertain origin. Apparently from se tromper de "to mock," from Old French tromper "to blow a trumpet." Brachet explains this as "to play the horn, alluding to quacks and mountebanks, who attracted the public by blowing a horn, and then cheated them into buying …." The Hindley Old French dictionary has baillier la trompe "blow the trumpet" as "act the fool," and Donkin connects it rather to trombe "waterspout," on the notion of turning (someone) around. … Trumped up "false, concocted" first recorded 1728.

Thus to "trump" meant "to forge, fabricate, deceive or cheat" (as in the expression "trumped up.")  Quacks and mountebanks attracted attention by blowing a horn, then swindling people. The older term also had connotations of mocking and playing the fool. Does any of this ring a bell?

The highest-ranking trump card in a tarot deck is the Fool.
The highest-ranking trump card in British euchre is the Joker.
Donald Trump's ancestors were Germans called the Drumpfs, so it is really Donald Drumpf running for president.

Top Ten Republican Myths

The economy is "worse" under the Obama administration than it was under George W. Bush; therefore the U.S. should return to Bush's "trickle down economics" (the political version of a golden shower).
President Obama is responsible for the mess in Iraq and the rise of ISIS (actually, as a congressman Barack Obama voted against the invasion of Iraq, while 96.4% of Republican congressmen voted for it).
The way to "win" in the Middle East is to return to the Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld strong-arm tactics that wrecked Iraq and created ISIS; for instance, Donald Trump has revived the Cheney plan to use the U.S. military to steal Iraqi oil. (Remember how wonderfully well that absurd plan worked out?)
Ben Carson and other Republican presidential candidates have been more strenuously vetted than Barack Obama (hah!).
The "liberal media" has been "unfair" to Republican presidential candidates by quoting what they said in public.
The U.S. cannot afford universal healthcare, but it can easily afford to spend trillions of dollars on unwinnable wars in the Middle East.
Dinosaurs frolicked with Adam and Eve in a perfect Garden of Eden that was created around 6,000 years.
Evolution and global warming are myths created by liberals.
The Bible is "infallible" despite commandments to stone children to death for misdemeanors, and many verses condoning slavery, infanticide, matricide, ethnic cleansing and genocide.
God is a racist who instructed the ancient Hebrews to ethnically cleanse Palestine and commit genocide; therefore Christians should "support" Israel's modern pogroms of ethnic cleansing, euphemistically called "settlement expansion."

Top Ten Donald Trump Feuds

(10) Intelligent voters: Nearly everything Trump says is at odds with reason, civility and common sense. And it's not just what he says, but how he says it.
(9) Jesus Christ: Trump has a major feud with Jesus over the need for confession, repentance and forgiveness. The body and blood of Jesus are just a "little cracker" and a "little wine."
(8)  POWs: Trump insulted all American Prisoners of War by saying real heroes don't get captured (while Trump himself avoided capture via less-than-heroic draft deferrals).
(7) The Media: Trump the would-be tough guy, constantly whines that reporters are not "nice" to him and ask him "unfair" questions (even when they just quote what he said himself).
(6) Women: Trump only loves women who are tens, and he has extremely high standards!
(5) African Americans: Trump doesn't trust people of color to handle his money, so don't expect him to have a colorful cabinet.
(4) Hispanics: Trump will force Mexico to pay for his Great Wall, while deporting 11 million suspected illegal immigrants without due process. And yet Hispanics will love and vote for him!
(3) ISIS: Trump sees ISIS as a competitor in the hotel business, so he will show them absolutely no mercy!
(2) Russia: Trump claims that Putin will like him, even as he kicks Putin's ass all over the globe.
(1) China: Trump claims that he defeats more than one billion people "all the time" even as he pays them to produce his products.

Top Ten Donald Trump Campaign Songs

(10) How Great I Art
(9) I'm So Vain
(8) This Land Is My Land (Not Yours, Hispanics!)
(7) We Shall Overcomb
(6) America the Unbeautiful (Unless You Vote for Me!)
(5) Don't Lean on Me
(4) The Theme Song from "Hair"
(3) A Boy Named Sue (for Chapter 11 Protection)
(2) He Is Heavy (and He Sure as Hell Ain't My Brother!)
(1) American Idiot
     The Wall ("We don't need no education ...")

Top Ten Ben Carson Crazy Ideas

Ben Carson has the dignity, bearing and composure of a president ... until he opens his mouth and we hear what he actually thinks in his own words. Carson evidently believes in any number of cock-eyed conspiracy theories. He claims to be a man of faith, but faith in what, one wonders?

(10) Ben Carson says the pyramids were built by the Bible's Joseph to store grain. In reality, the pyramids predate the Exodus (circa 1446 BC) by more than 1,000 years and were never used to store grain.
(9) Ben Carson says it is "condescending" not to tax the poor; however, Jesus, the apostles and Hebrew prophets clearly said the poor should be given assistance, not made to pay taxes they can't afford. 
(8) Ben Carson said that Obamacare was "the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery," and described the law as "slavery, in a way." However, Jesus was an advocate of free health care.
(7) Ben Carson says that the president can ignore Supreme Court rulings on marriage equality, which means he can ignore the law on other things as well. Carson also says that Congress can remove federal judges for ruling in favor of marriage equality, which means he has either not read or doesn't understand the Constitution. Congress can only remove federal judges for impeachable high crimes such as treason and bribery. Carson has also called marriage equality a "Marxist plot," described marriage equality supporters as "enemies of America," and compared homosexuality to pedophilia and bestiality. Carson says that being gay is a "choice" because "a lot of people who go into prison, go into prison straight, and when they come out, they're gay." Does he think rape is "choice"?
(6) Ben Carson told Baltimore faith and community leaders not to criticize police because it makes them too "timid" to do their jobs.
(5) Ben Carson accused the women's lib movement of creating a "me generation" that led to police shootings. He also said that Michal Brown was shot because he lacked a father figure, although he did have a father.
(4) Ben Carson also said that protests against police violence help terrorist groups like ISIS and Al Qaeda.
(3) In an interview with WorldNet Daily, Carson tied together Benghazi, marijuana use, and Pharrell Williams' song "Happy" in a bizarre attempt to prove that communists are out to destroy the U.S. economy. And the main "communist," of course, is President Obama. While being profiled by GQ magazine, Carson called President Obama a "psychopath," and later defended doing so in an interview with CNBC host John Harwood. Carson has also accused President Obama of "treason." He has also accused President Obama of plotting to stay in office by declaring martial law after his term expires. At CPAC last year, Carson told Breitbart News that the U.S. is "very much like Nazi Germany," and recommended that Americans read Hitler's Mein Kampf if they want to understand President Obama.
(2) Ben Carson is willing to put American boots on the ground in the Middle East again, and says the American military should not be subject to war crimes prosecution. So he would have allowed the Mai Lai massacre, it seems. When asked during the first debate if he would allow torture (waterboarding), Carson's calm response was that torture is fine, as long as we don't advertise what we're doing.
(1) Ben Carson has advocated using military drones along the American border with Mexico: "I'm suggesting we do what we need to do to secure the border whatever that is. You look at some of these caves and things out there – one drone strike, BOOM!, and they'd [be] gone." Carson later denied that he was talking about killing suspected legal immigrants, but because drones can't examine caves to see if anyone is hiding in them, it sounds like there would be executions without due process, and that children could be among the victims. If Carson wasn't talking about hunting and killing illegal immigrants, it makes no sense to use drones, since the caves aren't going anywhere. If the only goal was to demolish the caves, that could be done much more safely and efficiently with explosives planted by human beings or robots.

Top Ten Reasons to Vote for Republicans

(10) You are a masochist and love it when someone rich and powerful abuses you.
(9) You think American prestige abroad will be enhanced by waterboarding and other forms of torture.
(8) You think we have plenty of money to spend on unwinnable trillion-dollar wars, but are "too poor" to help Americans in need.
(7) You prefer a big-brother-ish, intrusive government that dick-tates medieval morality to its citizens (please pardon the pun).
(6) You don't believe in evolution, climate change, or science in general.
(5) You think our government should pay lip service to free speech, while clamping down on gays, Muslims and liberals.
(4) You love big deficits, as they almost always go up at a faster rate when Republicans are in power.
(3) You think the government should help the top 1% while everyone else gets the shaft, including you and your family.
(2) You like eating, drinking and breathing poison, while the earth overheats.
(1) You want to fight another unwinnable war on false premises, this time against Iran.

Can the Republican Party really be as bad as it seems? According to Nobel winner Paul Krugman, yes: "It has long been obvious that the conventions of political reporting and political commentary make it almost impossible to say the obvious—namely, that one of our two major parties has gone off the deep end. Or as the political analysts Thomas Mann and Norman Ornstein put it in their book It's Even Worse Than It Looks, the G.O.P. has become an 'insurgent outlier … unpersuaded by conventional understanding of facts, evidence, and science.' It's a party that has no room for rational positions on many major issues. Or to put it another way, modern Republican politicians can't be serious—not if they want to win primaries and have any future within the party. Crank economics, crank science, crank foreign policy are all necessary parts of a candidate's resume."

Top Ten Donald Trump Superpowers

Racism, but with the superpowerful twist of claiming to "love" the people he discriminates against.
Chauvinism
Fascism
Egomania & Narcissism
Telling other people to shut up.
Calling other people nasty names.
The ability to always trump nonsense with something even more nonsensical.
Politico recently described Donald Trump as a man of "seamless contradiction."
Donald Trump, an admirer of P. T. Barnum, is the ultimate carnival barker. Unfortunately for the gullible American public, he is also the ultimate circus clown.
Bullying

Donald Trump reminds me of egotistical bullies who pick on "nerds" on playgrounds and school cafeterias. Trump mocks and insults women who are not "tens" in his opinion. He tells other people to shut up when they disagree with him. He brags about his looks (?) and success (?) despite having the world's weirdest hair and a long string of bankruptcies and other business failures. He has insulted Rand Paul's height, looks and golf game (?). More recently, Trump has insulted and bullied Marco Rubio because he sweats under TV lights and drinks a lot of water. CNN reported that the Trump campaign sent a "care package" to Rubio's Washington campaign office that contained a 24-bottle case of "Trump Ice Natural Spring Water," with Trump's face on it, two "Make America Great Again" towels and bumper stickers, and a note reading, "Since you're always sweating, we thought you could use some water. Enjoy!" What a childish gesture for any adult, much less someone running for president of the United States.

Top Ten Ideas Expressed During the Second Republican Presidential Debate

(10) Climate change is real, after all, but still what is the point of spending any money in an attempt to save the planet and the lives of our children and grandchildren? Drill, baby, drill! Business as usual!
(9) We must "make America great again" and prove our power to our allies by attacking Iran on the same false premises that were used to "justify" the attack on Iraq.
(8) Americans "cannot afford" Obamacare, but we can easily afford to spend trillions on our military in order to bully Iran, Russia and China into doing the GOP's bidding. (Not that they will actually obey, of course.)
(7) Defunding Planned Parenthood is a huge priority, worth shutting down the federal government yet again. Bush, Walker and Christie bragged about how they defunded Planned Parenthood. (Such heroes!) The rights of pregnant girls and women don't matter a hill of beans, and were not worth a single mention. After two debates, not a single candidate has ventured the opinion that it may be wrong to murder girls and women by denying them the right to abortions if they experience severe medical problems during pregnancies. 
(6) The children and grandchildren of white immigrants are the cat's meow; anyone with darker skin is a potential "anchor baby" so let's start rounding them up, sorting them out and deporting them.
(5) While Democrats have trouble negotiating with Russia, China, Iran and North Korea, the magic wands of Republicans will soon have them behaving like timid little trained mice.
(4) Blame everything that goes wrong in the world on President Obama and Hillary Clinton, conveniently ignoring everything that happened during the last Republican administration. (Were the magic wands on vacation, one wonders?)
(3) Carly Fiorina is now a great beauty, according to Donald Trump. Unfortunately, Rand Paul does not meet Trump's high standards and is thus not presidential material. (It is still not clear why Trump is able to run for president.)
(2) Donald Trump is either the best thing ever to happen to the United States (Trump & Cruz) or the worst thing (all the other candidates). All the candidates agreed that Trump's opinion about smaller vaccinations trumps the AMA's.
(1) But at least we can finally stop focusing on Trump's eccentric hair! (This was the only positive development, as far as I can tell.)

After the second debate was over, there was more Republican madness. For instance, Ben Carson opined that a Muslim should not be president because Islam is "incompatible" with the Constitution. Has Carson ever read the Bible? It is not exactly about democracy. According to the Bible, Americans should still be subject to the British monarchy, because kings and other authorities are appointed by God and must always be obeyed. Also, religious freedom is incompatible with the ten commandments and the Bible's frequent declarations that there is only one God, who must be obeyed by everyone.

Top Ten Donald Trump Failures

While speaking on the decommissioned battleship Iowa, Donald Trump said, "I love free trade. The concept is great, but you need smart people. I have the smartest people." But is that really true? If Trump can always identify and hire the "smartest people," why have so many of his business ventures failed?

Trump Casinos (Trump Entertainment Resorts Inc. filed for bankruptcy four times)
Trump Airlines aka Trump Shuttle (never made a profit; defaulted on its loans; went bust in 1992)
Trump Vodka (never caught on; ceased production)
Trump University (closed in 2011 after being sued for defrauding students)
Trump Mortgage (opened with great fanfare, but was out of business in less than two years)
Trump Magazine (shut down within two years)
Trump Steaks (started in 2007, never caught on, since discontinued)
Trump Ice (never caught on, discontinued in 2010)
Trump: the Game (never caught on)
GoTrump.com (a travel-related search engine that was trashed by critics and shut down within a year)

Dishonorable Mention:

New Jersey Generals (the USFL team folded along with the league in 1985; Trump has been blamed for the league folding)
Trump Tower Tampa (took deposits of $45,000 from apartment buyers, never built the building, and did not return the deposits)
Trump Follies (shut down in 2009)
Trump Power (shut down in 2006)
Trump Fire (shut down in 2006)
Purely Trump (shut down in 2011)
Trump's American Pale Ale (shut down in 2007)
The Donald (billed as the "ultimate cocktail" but abandoned in 2009)
Donald J. Trump, the Fragrance
Trump Style (shut down in 2005)
Castle Steak House (canceled in 2010)
Trumpnet (abandoned in 1992)
Oysters Trump (trademark filed, status uncertain)
Trump's Golden Lager (trademark filed, status uncertain)
Panama has announced that it will boycott the Miss Universe Pageant, which is owned and operated by Trump
Mexico will not be sending a contestant to the Miss Universe Pageant
NASCAR will not hold its annual awards ceremony at the Trump National Doral Miami resort
ESPN is pulling out of a charity golf event at a Trump course in New Jersey
The PGA won't be holding its 2015 Grand Slam of Golf at a Trump Course in LA
Macy's will no longer sell Trump's menswear line
Serta will stop selling Trump's line of mattresses

Top Ten Reasons to Dump Trump

Trump is a racist, as evidenced by his insensitive remarks about "the blacks," "the Latinos," et al. And he recently claimed to love "the Muslims" as well.
Trump is a chauvinist, as evidenced by his calling women "fat pigs," "slobs," "dogs" and "disgusting animals."
Trump is a fascist, as evidenced by his idea (borrowed from Dick Cheney) that the US should use its military to take Middle Eastern oil without paying for it (i.e., armed robbery).
Trump is a bully, as evidenced by his social media bullying of Megyn Kelly, Rosie O'Donnell, Bette Midler, and other people.
Trump is a liar who has been caught blatantly prevaricating numerous times. For instance, of 23 "facts" researched by Politifact, 78% were deemed less than truthful, with 69% being out-and-out lies.
Trump is an egomaniac who seems to believe the baseless myths he creates about himself.
Trump is a demagogue preaching to an already inflamed and increasingly dangerous choir.
Trump is a warmonger who calls himself the "most militaristic person on the planet."
Trump is an arrogant boor who insults other people left and right.
Trump shamelessly panders to racists and the Tea Party types to get their votes.

Was Donald Trump's Mother an Illegal Immigrant? Is Donald Trump himself an Anchor Baby?

Donald Trump's father, Frederick Christ Trump, married Mary Anne MacLeod in 1936. Mary Anne MacLeod was born in Tong, Stornoway, Scotland on May 10, 1912. She met Fredrick Trump while vacationing in New York. How do we know that she stayed in the United States legally, rather than illegally? How do we know that she didn't return to Scotland to deliver little Donald? How do we know that she ever legally married an American citizen? If Donald Trump cannot produce proof of his mother's legal American residence and citizenship at the time he was born in 1942, does that not make Donald Trump an anchor baby born to an illegal immigrant mother? Donald Trump's grandparents were married in Kallstadt, Germany in 1902 and only came to the United States when they were expelled by Germany because his grandfather Friedrich Drumpf failed to pay his taxes and fulfill his military obligations. Does being expelled from Germany make Trump's grandparents "real" American citizens? Donald Trump is a notorious "birther," but what about his family's citizenship questions?

Ten Truly Weird Facts about Donald Trump

According to a 1990 Vanity Fair interview, Ivana Trump told her lawyer Michael Kennedy that Donald Trump kept a book of Hitler's collected speeches, My New Order, near his bed.
In the same Vanity Fair article, Ivana Trump told a friend that her husband's cousin, John Walter "clicks his heels and says, Heil Hitler," when visiting Trump's office.
Trump has repeatedly said that he would like to "date" his daughter, Ivanka Trump, because she has a killer body.
Trump says that it doesn't matter what the media says about him, as long as he has a "beautiful piece of ass."
Trump has made it patently clear that he judges women strictly by their looks, not their character or accomplishments.
Trump wants to mass deport 11 million people, including children born in the United States who, according to the 14th Amendment, are citizens of the United States.
Trump said that a cold snap proves that global warming is a "hoax."
Trump subscribes to the baseless theory that vaccinations cause autism.
Trump has bragged about bribing politicians and controlling their actions.
Trump is a birther.

Also, the conservative Club for Growth issued an email letter this weekend accusing Donald Trump of "posing" as an anti-establishment conservative while advocating a platform almost as liberal as Bernie Sanders' agenda!

Ronald Reagan has become the gold standard for a modern conservative president. But according to Michael Reagan, Donald Trump is nothing like his father: "Ronald Reagan didn't attack the people around him. He didn't demean the people around him. You know, he brought everybody together." When CNN's Michael Smerconish asked which of the candidates is least like his father, he answered "Donald Trump," explaining that Trump will "throw people off the bus" rather than building coalitions that can help the GOP win national elections." Michael Reagan also threw cold water on Trump's assertion that he had a strong relationship with his father. "I would ask Donald Trump, exactly how many state dinners were you invited to?" he said. He also said none of the current crop of GOP candidates are particularly "Reaganesque," because his father was "likable and he was relatable." The closest, he said, might have been former Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who recently dropped out of the race.

The world is full of amazing ironies—for instance, the presidential candidate currently leading among evangelical Christian voters is a twice-divorced casino mogul, who isn't an active member of any church, who once supported abortion rights, who has a history of using crass language in public, who brags not only about his wealth and power, but obliquely about the size of his penis, who can't quote a single Bible verse, and who says he's never asked God's forgiveness for any of it.

Top Ten Most Unusual Things about Donald Trump

(10) One of the most amazing things about Donald Trump is that, as bizarre as he is, most of the other Republican presidential candidates are worse: Carson, Cruz, Graham, Huckabee, Rubio, Santorum, Walker.
(9) Trump loves "the blacks" and they love him in return. Ha!
(8) Trump sent his Mystery Machine crew to Hawaii where Trump "couldn't believe what they were finding" ... except that they found exactly nothing worth reporting back to the birthers.
(7) Trump is a "self-made" man despite receiving millions in loans and inheritances from his father, not to mention four bankruptcy court bailouts, selling his yacht to pay his Amex bills, etc.
(6) Despite his many failures, Trump teaches people to be successful ... except that his "university" turned out to be a fraud and had to be renamed.
(5) Trump always hires the "best people" and yet most of his businesses go under anyway. But it can't be the CEO's fault, as long as his name is Trump!
(4) Filing for bankruptcy four times is a sign of strength, not weakness!
(3) Trump has the same taste for pink marble in his casinos as Saddam Hussein had in his palaces.
(2) His commitment to overcomb any obstacle
(1) The hair, of course.

Top Ten Donald Trump Hashtags

#Trump
#DonaldTrump
#BatTrump @Marvel "Superman's not a hero. I like heroes whose planets haven't exploded."
#Trumplebrags
#PeriodsAreNotAnInsult but your hair is
#ImNotACriminal but mass deportation is
#TrumpBible
#WhenTrumpIsElected there will be hot ass in the White House
#DumpTrump #FlashInThePan hair today gone tomorrow
#HeidiTrumpsTrump #BeautyIsInTheEyeOfTheBeheld

Honorable mention: #Trumpnado #DumpTrump #TrumpSucks

"In the beginning, Trump created propaganda. And he saw that it was good, for the people believed everything he said." #TrumpBible
"In the beginning was the word Trump, and the word was yooge because he said it was yooge!" #TrumpBible
 "I love God. He's a great guy. Made the world in 6 days. That's YUUUUUUUGE. I would have used more marble but he did a nice job." #TrumpBible
"And forgive us our debts, as we rip off out creditors, then make fun of them for being stupid enough to lend to us!" #TrumpBible
"Jesus wept. I like saviors who don't weep." #TrumpBible
"Saint Paul was no hero. I like evangelists who don't get thrown into palace dungeons. I would have had Nero eating out of my hand!" #TrumpBible
"Unfortunately, Mary was not a ten. Joseph should have dumped her for Salome. What a beautiful piece of ass!" #TrumpBible
"Jesus completely blew it when he turned down the Devil's offer. He should have read 'The Art of the Deal.' I would have won so yooge!" #TrumpBible
"Jesus blew it in the desert. I, on the other hand, am absolutely killing it in Vegas!" #TrumpBible
"Turn the other cheek? The only time I turn the other cheek is when a beautiful piece of ass is kissing mine!" #TrumpBible
"Blessed are the poor in spirit? What losers! I am really, really rich!" #TrumpBible
"Mary and Joseph were illegal immigrants. Jesus was an anchor baby. Herod was incompetent! I would have built a great, great wall around Bethlehem!" #TrumpBible
"I will do such great things for Israel, there will be no more wailing at the Wailing Wall! It will be a great, great wall when I'm done with it!" #TrumpBible
"Samaria sends us their murderers, their rapists, and some, I assume, are good Samaritans." #TrumpBible
"If I was Jesus, I would have made amazing deals with those moneychangers in the temple. Why waste such a yooge opportunity?" #TrumpBible
"Render unto Ceasar's Palace the things that are Ceasar's, and render unto Trump the things that are Trumped." #TrumpBible
"I would have rebuilt the walls of Jericho and made the Canaanites pay for it!" #TrumpBible
"You've heard it said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth,' but I say unto you, that's lousy negotiating. Why break even?" #TrumpBible
"Great flood, total disaster. Totally mismanaged by Noah, not a smart guy, total loser, couldn't even save the dinosaurs." #TrumpBible 
"Blessed are the 'piece' makers (the parents who create 'beautiful pieces of ass' for Trump to bang." #TrumpBible

Is Donald Trump a badass or a batass (bat+rump)? Here are some clever takes on the hashtag #BatTrump after Trump told a group of children, "I am Batman." The kids presumably did not take Trump as seriously as many adult voters.

@XGirlNYC "Batgirl is not a hero, she's a hero because she was shot and paralyzed. I like people that weren't shot and paralyzed, ok?" #BatTrump
@BonnieDatt "Wonder Woman can't fight crime! She's a loser! She has blood coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her...whatever." #BatTrump
@jepotts "Sad to say, but Catwoman is no longer a 10." #BatTrump
@MikeRBurch "Supergirl, what a beautiful piece of ass!" #BatTrump
@MikeRBurch "#BatTrump would date #BatGirl if they weren't related. What an awesome rack!"
@MikeRBurch "DC Comics has dropped #BatTrump like a hot potato due to his highly offensive remarks about female superheroes."
@MikeRBurch "The Hulk is green with envy. What a low energy loser! He only wishes he was #BatTrump!"
@MikeRBurch "Riddle me this, riddle me that, who's afraid of a big fat #BatTrump? Well, his hair is very scary!"
@MikeRBurch "Yes #BatTrump is #Batman, and my good friend @DickCheney is the #Penguin!"
@citizen_xoxo "Commissioner Gordon is a loser. Always begging #BatTrump for favors. #BatTrump is very rich and so busy."
‏@n_mezzy "My parents were killed by illegal immigrants." #BatTrump
@MikeRBurch "Superman is an illegal alien, so #BatTrump will deport him along with 11 million other losers."
@MikeRBurch "#BatTrump is #BatShitCrazy #BratMan #Buttman."
@Daniel_Kantzler  "When aliens come from Mars, theyre not bringing their best. Theyre murderers, theyre shapeshifters, and ONE is a good detective." #BatTrump
@Docreed2003 "Superman is a loser! Kryptonite?  What a joke. I have no weaknesses!" #BatTrump
@josephebacon "Trump thinks he's the Dark Knight. In reality, he is the DORK KNIGHT!"
@MikeRBurch "The Fortress of Solitude is a dump! #BatTrump lives in a gold-plated bat cave. Very classy!"
@MikeRBurch "Lois Lane is a bimbo. The Daily Planet had better be nice to #BatTrump, or else!"
@owillis "People call Captain America a hero. He got frozen in ice for 40 years. I like people that don't get frozen. #batTrump"

Top Ten Descriptions of Donald Trump's Hair

Unbe-weave-able ― David Letterman
Taj-Ma helmet ― David Letterman
Beverly Hills Chihuahua ― David Letterman
Carpet Sample ― Jay Leno
Ivanka Realheddahair — Michael R. Burch
The Creature ― Robin Williams
Tri-Hariatops ― Jon Stewart
Faux Fox — Michael R. Burch
Piggy Wiggy — Michael R. Burch

Creepy Things Donald Trump has Said about "Dating" His Daughter Ivanka Trump because She has a Hot Body

Donald Trump is known for his "unfiltered" way of speaking his mind. That seems to extend to the topic of incest, if we can assume that in the modern jet-set world "dating" means "having sex with." Here are unfiltered things Donald Trump has said about "dating" his daughter Ivanka ...

"Yeah, she's really something, and what a beauty, that one. If I weren't happily married and, ya know, her father ..." he told Rolling Stone.

"If Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her," Trump said in 2006 interview with The View. During the same interview, he mentioned that Ivanka has a "very nice figure" and mused about her possibly appearing in Playboy. In response, View co-host Joy Behar exclaimed, "Who are you, Woody Allen?"

Trump raved about Ivanka during an appearance on The Howard Stern Show: "You know who's one of the great beauties of the world, according to everybody? And I helped create her. Ivanka. My daughter, Ivanka. She's six feet tall, she's got the best body."

When the Trumps appeared on the The Wendy Williams Show, the host had them play "Fave Five." Williams asked Ivanka, "What's the favorite thing you have in common with your father?" Her answer was a tie between real estate and golf. Williams then asked The Donald what he had in common with his daughter. He answered, "Well, I was going to say sex, but I can't relate that to her." The audience howled with laughter. Ivanka wrinkled her nose and turned away from her grinning father while laughing uncomfortably. Williams remarked, "Oh! that was Hulk Hogan-creepy!" with wide eyes before she moved on to the rest of the interview.

It's interesting that even when discussing dating his own daughter, Trump never mentioned her character, personality, intelligence, or any other attribute. The only factors he mentioned were her beauty and her body. We see this repeatedly from Trump. Carly Fiorina can be written off as a presidential candidate because she isn't a ten, according to Trump. It's "sad" the Heidi Klum is no longer a ten, according to Trump. Rosie O'Donnell is a "slob" because she doesn't dress the way Trump prefers. And he doesn't care what the media says about him as long as he has a "beautiful piece of ass" to parade around.

Top Ten Donald Trump Running Mates

Jesse Ventura
Vince McMahon
The Rock
Paul Bearer (who looks eerily like Ted Cruz!)
Don King and Cosmo Kramer (think of the hair-raising possibilities)
Oprah Winfrey
Ann Coulter
Bernie Sanders (this would, of course, "out" Donald Trump as the liberal he is)
Roger Ailes and Megyn Kelly (tie)
Mark Cuban (aka "the Frontrunner")

Honorable Mention: Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Condoleezza Rice, Joni Ernst, Carly Fiorina, Nikki Haley, Susana Martinez, Kelly Ayotte, Heidi Klum, Bette Middler, Howard Stern, Ivanka Trump, Ivana Trump, Marla Maples, Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, Scott Walker, Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, Rand Paul, Kevin O'Leary (of the Shark Tank), Ted Nugent, Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Kim Kardashian (to keep Kanye West from running for president in 2020), Rosie O'Donnell, Sheldon Adelson, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet

Top Ten Donald Trump Cabinet Appointments

Secretary of State Insanity: Ted Cruz
Secretary of Impossible Missions: Tom Cruise (for instance, getting Mexico to pay for the Great Wall of Whine-a)
Secretary of Homeland Insecurity: George W. Bush (aka "AWOL")
Secretary of War: Dick "the Penguin" Cheney (an expert on starting wars on false premises in order to rob Middle Eastern nations of their oil, an area of emphasis for President Trump)
Secretary of Interior Decorating: Sarah Palin
Secretary of Special Education: Michelle Bachmann
Secretary of Securing Beautiful Pieces of Ass for the White House Bedroom: Charlie Sheen
Secretary of Forcing Rape Victims to Bear Their Rapists' Babies: Jeb Bush
Secretary of Praising President Trump to the Skies while He Destroys the World: Roger Ailes

The Top Ten Celebrity Competitors for President

Kanye West has already announced his candidacy; he will be backed by the Kardashian-Jenner Super Brat PAC(k).
Sarah Palin announced that she was recently able to see the White House from her Washington hotel room, and is thus unequivocally qualified to run for president.
Clint Eastwood pointed out that he once defeated an empty chair in a debate, and because that was much more difficult that defeating any of the current Republican candidates, his hat is now in the ring.
Bill Gates announced that he has a lot more money than Trump, and his hair is equally goofy, so he is now a candidate.
Don King announced that anything Donald Trump's hair can do, his hair can easily top, so he is now in the race.
Michael Richards (Cosmo Kramer) announced that not only is his hair weirder than Trump's, but he is also taller and more insulting to minorities, so his hat is also in the ring.
Chuck Norris announced that he has a much more believable hairpiece and can kick Trump's ass, so he is now a candidate.
Heidi Klum agreed to downgrade her rating from 10.00 to 9.99, but pointed out that she is still 9.98 points ahead of Trump, so she is now in the hunt.
Rosie O'Donnell says she can take out Trump―anytime, anywhere―so she is now officially running for president too.
Howard Stern and Jessie Ventura will announce their "joint" candidacy shortly, after they duke it out to see who settles for "vice" president.

Honorable Mention: Phil Spector, William Shatner, Ben Affleck, Tiny Tim, George Clooney, Ashley Judd, Fran Drescher, Angelina Jolie, Roseanne Barr, Al Franken, Jon Stewart, Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson, Tim McGraw, Fred Thompson, Ted Nugent, Kid Rock, Stephen Colbert (thanks to his superior conservatism and well-funded Super PAC)


The Top Ten Reasons Donald Trump is a Closet Democrat, Liberal and Socialist

Trump has been pro-choice in the past. And he still opposes making abortion illegal today, preferring exemptions for rape, incest and the woman's life being endangered.
Trump does not want to defund Planned Parenthood, and has had the gall to mention the organization's "good aspects," which is heresy to the GOP.
Trump opposed the invasion of Iraq, which was spearheaded by Republicans.
Trump has spoken favorably of Bill and Hillary Clinton in the past, another Republican heresy. Trump told Howard Stern that Hillary Clinton was a fantastic senator, and he gave $100,000 to the Clinton Foundation.
Trump in the past favored a ban on assault weapons.
In an interview with Larry King in 1999, Trump said that he was "very liberal when it comes to health care" and that he believed in "universal healthcare."
Trump approves of affirmative action.
Trump supports a progressive tax and has talked about raising taxes for the rich.
Trump hates the Iran deal, but he wouldn't abrogate it after taking office.
Trump does not want to get rid of Social Security, Medicare or Medicaid, but rather has promised to protect them from cuts.

The Best (i.e., Worst) Donald Trump Insults

At a campaign rally in New Hampshire, Donald Trump mocked Rand Paul's height, holding his hand mid-chest and crowing: "Rand, I've had you up to here!"
To prove that Trump is an equal opportunity insulter, he insulted Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, saying: "Now I know why the press always treated you so badly—they couldn't stand you."
Trump insulted God and the Christian faith by saying that he never asks God for forgiveness.
Trump then insulted the body and blood of Jesus Christ by saying: "When I drink my little wine—which is about the only wine I drink—and have my little cracker, I guess that is a form of asking for forgiveness."
Trump insulted Joe Biden for having an accident: "Our chief negotiator [with Iran] goes into a bicycle race at 73, falls down and breaks his leg. These people are incompetent." [Biden is 71, Mr. Competent.]
Trump insulted women for aging: "Sometimes I do go a little bit far," he allowed, adding after a moment: "Heidi Klum. Sadly, she's no longer a 10."
Trump even insulted himself when he claimed to be "the most fabulous whiner," explaining, "I am a whiner and I keep whining and whining until I win."
Trump went on the rag about menstruation, claiming there was blood coming out of Megyn Kelly's "whatever" when she asked him difficult questions during the first debate.
Trump insulted Mexican immigrants: "They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. ... And some, I assume, are good people."
Trump insulted John McCain: "He's not a war hero. He's a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren't captured." (Trump avoided being captured in the Vietnam War via unheroic draft deferments.)
Trump insulted Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio, mocking them for "hugging and kissing and proclaiming their great love" for each other. 
Trump called Anthony Weiner a "sleazebag" and a "perv," then mocked his wife Huma Abedin for being in love with him. 
Trump insulted Jorge Ramos, telling the much-beloved journalist: "I have a bigger heart than you do." (This, while Trump was calling for the mass deportation of 11 million immigrants, including children born in the USA.)
"Look at that face!" Trump told a Rolling Stone reporter as Carly Fiorina appeared on TV. "Would anyone vote for that?"
Trump insulted the United States, calling it "a dumping ground for the rest of the world" that is constantly taken advantage of by other nations and "never wins." In other words, the United States is the world's biggest loser. That is exactly the opposite of Ronald Reagan's vision of the United States as a "shining city on a hill" acting as a beacon to the rest of the world.

Top Ten People and Organizations Who Stood Up to Donald Trump's Insults and Bullying

Jorge Ramos, America's most prominent Spanish-language journalist, has called Trump "the loudest voice of intolerance, division and hatred" in America .
Megyn Kelly, who asked Trump why he called women "fat pigs," "dogs," "slobs" and "disgusting animals."
Carly Fiorina, for tweeting "Mr. Trump: There. Is. No. Excuse." (Later, when Trump insulted her looks, Fiorina replied, "I am proud of every year and every wrinkle.")
Roger Ailes, Kelly's boss, who accused Trump of being a social media "bully."
Heidi Klum, who humorously changed her "rating" to 9.99 after Trump claimed she was no longer a 10. Klum then pointed out that all women are tens.
Rosie O'Donnell, who called Trump a "bully" and a "snake-oil salesman."
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar said, "No one has to twist his words because what he says is twisted enough. He speaks fluent pretzel." Jabbar called Tump "a last-call candidate who looks good in the boozy dark of political inebriation."
Jeb Bush said that Trump seems to think that he can "insult his way to the presidency."
Bernie Sanders told Stephen Colbert that Donald Trump is "appealing to the baser instincts among us, xenophobia and, frankly, racism." 
ESPN, Univision, Macy's, NBC Universal, NASCAR, the PGA, the FAA, New York City, and every other organization that publicly opposed Trump's insulting and bullying ways ...

Well, perhaps we complimented NBC too quickly, since it has been announced that The Donald will guest-host an upcoming segment of Saturday Night Live.

Vice President Joe Biden recently blasted Donald Trump for "absolutely denigrating an entire group of people." Biden told approximately 75 guests at a Hispanic heritage event at his residence at the Naval Observatory that Trump was "appealing to the baser side of human nature." He said Trump embodied a "xenophobia" not seen since the mid-nineteenth century. Biden told attendees not to be discouraged by Trump's "sick message." He asked them to take solace in the reception that Pope Francis will receive when he visits the United States next week. Biden hailed the Pope as "the most popular man in the world" and said Francis had legions of fans across all religions because of his belief in the golden rule. The vice president said the "vast majority" agreed with that sentiment. 

Hillary Clinton accused Trump of appealing to his supporters' worst instincts: "He's been trafficking in prejudice and paranoia throughout this campaign." She continued, "Who watched the Republican debates the other night? Oh, you gluttons for punishment, you," she said to laughter. "Fifteen candidates. Five hours. Not a single fighter for the middle class. And the fact-checkers are having a field day with their answers." Clinton, the Democratic frontrunner, called the Republican candidates "deeply out of touch and out of date," for not discussing college tuition, climate change, family leave, gun violence, the black lives matter movement or other pressing issues of the day.

Honorable mention:

Newt Gingrich called Trump a "barroom brawler."
Bobby Jindal said "silly summer season is over" and Trump should be sent "back to reality TV." 
Marco Rubio, addressing Trump's comments about Mexican immigrants, said: "Trump's comments are not just offensive and inaccurate, but also divisive."
Rick Perry said he was "offended" by Trump's "offensive" remarks.
Lindsey Graham said Trumps comments were "hurtful and not helpful" because most undocumented immigrants are "hardworking decent people."
Mitt Romney said he thought that Trump "made a severe error in saying what he did about Mexican-Americans."

For a larger collection of Donald Trump insults and responses to them, please click here: The Best Donald Trump Insults

Top Ten Donald Trump Campaign Promises

Trump promised that everything he does will be "great" (and voters can take that to the bank despite the failures of Trump Casinos, Trump Airlines, Trump Vodka, Trump University, etc.).
Trump promised "We will have so much winning if I get elected, that you may get bored with winning!"
Trump promised to replace Obamacare with "something terrific" and to "save" Social Security with quick waves of his magic wand. 
Trump promised not to run as an independent as long as Republicans are "nice" to him and "fair" with him (regardless of how shabbily he treats other Republicans).
Trump promised to build a "great, great wall" and force Mexico to pay for it.
Trump promised to ignore the Constitution by deporting children born in the United States along with their parents.
Trump promised to use the US military to steal Iraqi oil (a highly dubious plan already tried unsuccessfully by Dick "the Penguin" Cheney).
Trump promised to "Turn off that spigot" of sending money to China by taxing them "until they behave properly" (i.e., as Trump instructs them to behave).
Trump promised to create jobs: "I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created."
Trump promised never to enter a bicycle race or break a leg like John Kerry (although Trump managed to avoid the Vietnam War by claiming to have "bone spurs").
Trump promised to "outlaw teleprompters for anybody running for president." (Presumably because he is so good at speaking off the cuff and not exposing his ass!)

Top Ten Questions for Donald Trump


If Trump can't handle a simple question from Megyn Kelly without blowing up, how will he be able to debate Hillary Clinton?
Do we really need a president who tweets like a hyper-aggressive teenage bully?
If Trump doesn't like soldiers who get captured once, why should we like businessmen who filed for bankruptcy four times?
And what about these abject failures: Trump Airlines, Trump Vodka, Trump Mortgage, Trump Casinos, Trump Magazine, Trump Steaks, Trump Ice, Trump University, Trump: the Game.
If Trump believes in the sanctity of marriage, why does he brag about the "young and beautiful pieces of ass" he can seemingly acquire at will?
After Trump builds his 1,900-mile wall, what's to stop illegal immigrants from arriving by sea and air?
How many American soldiers would die in Trump's bizarre plan to use the US military to steal Iraqi oil? And didn't Dick Cheney already try that, creating ISIS in the process?
How can a man be a Christian but never ask God for forgiveness?
Why can't Trump quote a single Bible verse, just as Sarah Palin couldn't name a single newspaper despite being a journalism major in college?

Top Ten Reasons Donald Trump is Not as Crazy as the Other Republican Candidates for President

In a Rolling Stone interview, Mike Huckabee hinted that he would use federal troops to force American women to have babies against their will, presumably by "taking out" abortion clinics.
Mike Huckabee thinks it's a good idea to force a 10-year-old girl to bear her rapist's baby. He has also talked about calling down fire from heaven to destroy "false prophets."
Ben Carson casually and calmly suggested having the US military use drones to hunt down and kill illegal immigrants: "One drone strike, boom, and they're gone!"
Scott Walker casually and calmly suggested letting American women die if they experience life-threatening complications during pregnancies, rather than letting them choose abortions. And he brags about bullying teachers' unions.
Lindsey Graham wants to send more American troops to the Middle East, to fight simultaneous wars against ISIS, Syria and Iran.
Ted Cruz wants to abolish the IRS and repeal "every single word" of Obamacare.
Cruz has also compared his complete denial of climate change to the intellectual courage of Galileo!
Jeb Bush actually tried to use the legal system to force rape victims to have babies, while he was governor of Florida. He also said that "absolutely" businesses should be able to discriminate against gays.
Ben Carson claims that the sole purpose of Planned Parenthood is to eliminate black Americans.
Marco Rubio wants to shut down the government yet again, this time over Obamacare. He also told Glen Beck that he wants to ban all abortions, even presumably when a pregnant woman would die without one.

Top Ten Crazy Donald Trump Ideas

10) "I'm a bit of a P. T. Barnum. I make stars out of everyone." But is the White House a circus act? 
9) Trump will build a 1,900-mile-long wall "very inexpensively" and get Mexico to pay for it. But then why bother to cut corners and costs, Mr. Art of the Deal?
8) Trump says that he has websites developed for three dollars. Is he using illegal immigrants as webmasters?
7) "Good people don't go into government!" Hence, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Roosevelt, JFK and Ronald Reagan were not good people. Nor is Donald J. Trump.
6) Trump used over-long putters to argue against gay marriage.
5) Trump insults women over their looks while insisting that he is "good looking."
4) Trump is an unapologetic birther.
3) Trump used a cold snap to insist that global warming is a "hoax" which he claims was invented by the Chinese "in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive."
2) "They're rapists!" Trump wants to mass deport 11 million people, including children born in the United States who are not "rapists" but American citizens according to the 14th Amendment.
1) Trump "You know, there is something in the Iran deal that people I don't think really understand or know about. And nobody is ever to explain it that if somebody attacks Iran, we have to come to their defense. And I'm saying this: that includes Israel? And most people say, yes. So, if Israel attacks Iran according to that deal, I believe... that we have to fight with Iran against Israel." [This is purge hogwash, because nowhere in the agreement is the United States or any other party required to come to Iran's defense should the country be attacked.]

Top Ten Donald Trump Truths

To become a self-made man like Donald Trump, first inherit million of dollars, then file for bankruptcy four times while bragging about your superiority to everyone else.
Once you have a lot of money, women will find you attractive even if you have the world's worst combover.
To have a great relationship with African Americans, be sure to call them "the blacks." Ditto for "the Latinos," "the women," et al.
Ted Cruz stole the slogan "Make America Great Again" from Trump (but of course Trump stole it from Ronald Reagan first).
People who beat immigrants to a pulp while quoting Donald Trump are "very passionate" because they "love this country" and just want it "to be great again."
Black accountants cannot be trusted to count money; only Jewish accountants are trustworthy.
"I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I'm more honest and my women are more beautiful."
Donald Trump never needs to ask for forgiveness.
Donald Trump has magical powers and everything he does is "great."
Donald Trump is infallible.
Donald Trump is, in a word, God.

"My favorite part [of the movie Pulp Fiction] is when Sam has his gun out in the diner and he tells the guy to tell his girlfriend to shut up. Tell that bitch to be cool. Say: 'Bitch be cool.' I love those lines."  TrumpNation: The Art of Being The Donald, 2005

Top Ten Reasons that Donald Trump Simply Must be the Next President

Anyone willing to appear on national TV with that hair must possess extraordinary courage.
And the fact that Trump insists that he is "good looking" proves that Mr. Combover also has remarkable powers of imagination.
Trump is an equal opportunity birther, questioning not only President Obama's citizenship, but Ted Cruz's as well.
Trump is a man of great discrimination; things he finds "disgusting" include older women, heavier women, women who disagree with him, women who ask him tough questions, women who breastfeed, windmills and handshakes.
Most American politicians are subject to many special interests, but Donald Trump is only subject to one special interest: his Brand (i.e., Himself).
Most American politicians believe in God, but Donald Trump believes that he is God and Christ rolled into One (hence, no need to ask God for forgiveness).
Trump is never politically correct, but he is always correct (being infallible).
Trump believes in American exceptionalism, since America produced Donald Trump. (Although the country has fallen down in every other possible area.)
Donald Trump is definitely not a racist, bigot or chauvinist: he's just worlds better than everyone.
Donald Trump is the only American politician with a very special superpower: the ability to whine Mr. Putin into leaving the Ukraine and giving back the Crimea.
And if Putin ever gets out of line, Trump can tweet to let the world know what a "dummy" and "loser" he is! That will stop him in his Stalinist tracks!
Trump will also use his superpowers to keep Iran from getting nuclear weapons (although one can never ask a professional magician his secrets!).
Trump will use his superpowers to build a Great Wall of Mexico that will make everyone forget about the Great Wall of China. (And better yet, Mexico will pay for it!)
Other American politicians talk tough about ISIS, but Trump really will be tough on ISIS since they built a hotel and are now his competitors: "ISIS, you're fired!"
For the first time in American history we will have many different beautiful and exotic First Ladies, since Trump frequently updates his "piece of ass" (as he so delicately puts it).
Trump will be the best president for jobs, exactly as he claims, because he will insult the leaders of other nations and start one war after another, creating lots of jobs for soldiers.
How will Trump pay for all the wars he starts and the jobs they create? He won't have to pay for anything, as he is an expert at filing for bankruptcy; let China foot the war bills!
Trump wants to legalize all drugs and raise taxes on hedge fund managers; he is thinking outside the narrow Republican box.
Trump is really, really rich, unless he is really, really exaggerating.
If we don't elect Trump, the American Dream is dead, over, kaput! So really, we have no choice.
And best of all, we won't have to watch Celebrity Apprentice ever again! We can just tune into the White House to watch a b-list celebrity fuck things up royally!
No, wait, I can think of one thing that is even better: HOT ASS IN THE WHITE HOUSE!!!

Sorry, there were more than ten great reasons that Donald Trump simply must be the next president. so please feel free to pick the ten that you like best.

The Donald is All-a-Twitter: Donald Trump Tweets

If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America? [Later deleted]
#JebBush has to like the Mexican Illegals because of his wife. [Later deleted]
@realDonaldTrump "According to Bill O'Reilly, 80% of all the shootings in New York City are blacks―if you add Hispanics, that figure goes to 98%. 1% white."
@realDonaldTrump "Sadly, the overwhelming amount of violent crime in our major cities is committed by blacks and hispanics―a tough subject―must be discussed."  
Robert [Pattinson] I'm getting a lot of heat for saying you should dump Kristen [Stewart] but I'm right. If you saw the Miss Universe girls you would reconsider. [Yes, Trump dispenses abusive love lectures!]
Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again―just watch. He can do much better!
@ariannahuff is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man―he made a good decision.
"Our great African American President hasn't exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore!"
Free trade is terrible!
@SenJohnMcCain should be defeated in the primaries. Graduated last in his class at Annapolis―dummy!
What a waste of time being interviewed by @andersoncooper when he puts on really stupid talking heads like Tim O'Brien―dumb guy with no clue!
@FrankLuntz is a low class slob who came to my office looking for consulting work and I had zero interest. Now he picks anti-Trump panels!
Jonah Goldberg @JonahNRO of the once great @NRO#National Review is truly dumb as a rock. Why does @BretBaier put this dummy on his show?
Can you envision Jeb Bush or Hillary Clinton negotiating with 'El Chapo'? Trump, however, would kick his ass!
The liberal clown @ariannahuff told her minions at the money losing @HuffingtonPost to cover me as entertainment. I am #1 in Huff Post Poll.
I hear @pennjillette show on Broadway is terrible. Not surprised, boring guy (Penn). Without The Apprentice, show would have died long ago.
I loved firing goofball atheist Penn @pennjillette on The Apprentice. He never had a chance. Wrote letter to me begging for forgiveness.
One of the worst and most boring political pundits on television is @krauthammer. A totally overrated clown who speaks without knowing facts.
Why would anybody listen to @MittRomney? He lost an election that should have easily been won against Obama. By the way, so did John McCain!
I hope the boycott of @Macys continues forever. So many people are cutting up their cards. Macy's stores suck and they are bad for U.S.A.
Boycott @Macys, no guts, no glory. Besides, there are far better stores!
Dopey @Lawrence O'Donnell, whose unwatchable show is dying in the ratings, said that my Apprentice $ numbers were wrong. He is a fool!
Rick Perry failed at the border. Now he is critical of me. He needs a new pair of glasses to see the crimes committed by illegal immigrants!
@GovernorPerry failed on the border. He should be forced to take an IQ test before being allowed to enter the GOP debate.
He's doing very poorly in the polls. He put on glasses so people will think he's smart. And it just doesn't work! You know people can see through the glasses!
Pataki couldn't be elected dog catcher if he ran again—so he didn't!
@GovernorPataki was a terrible governor of NY, one of the worstwould've been swamped if he ran again!
@KarlRove wasted $400 million + and didn't win one race—a total loser.
Irrelevant clown @KarlRove sweats and shakes nervously on @FoxNews as he talks 'bull' about me. Has zero cred. Made fool of himself in '12.
@FoxNewsYou shouldn't have @KarlRove on the air—he's a clown with zero credibility—a Bushy!
I hear that sleepy eyes @chucktodd will be fired like a dog from ratings starved Meet The Press? I can't imagine what is taking so long!
Shouldn't George Will have to give a disclaimer every time he is on Fox that his wife works for Scott Walker?
@TheJuanWilliams you never speak well of me & yet when I saw you at Fox you ran over like a child and wanted a picture!

Trumpisms: Donald Trump Coinages, by Michael R. Burch

Anchor husband (n.) a rich American man who marries foreign supermodels so that they can live in the US "legally"
Con-serve-ative (n.) a reality TV star who cons gullible people into believing that he wants to serve them, rather than vice versa
Con-fusion (n.) the chaos produced when a con-serve-ative convinces gullible people that he will "help them come together"
Con-flation (n.) what our economy will experience after Donald Trump has conned us into electing him president
Mock-umentary (n.) a documentary of Donald Trump mocking everything and everyone in sight
Trump Change: (n.) chump change with a few extra zeroes tacked on
Trumpageddon (n.) Armageddon, only much worse because we have to listen to Donald Trump brag about his superiority while he destroys the world
Trumpaholic (n.) someone addicted to his own bullshit
Trumpathon: (n.) a TV event in which Donald Trump goes on and on and on about how rich, successful and good looking he is
Trumpbone (n.) a musical instrument similar to a trombone that only plays discordant notes
Trumpass (n.) a compass that always points at one's ass
Trumpectomy (n.) a type of brain surgery similar to a lobotomy in which an oversized ego is removed
Trumpet (n.) a mouthpiece only good for constantly tooting one's own horn
Trumpetry (n.) the art of constantly tooting one's own horn.
Trumpism (n.) anything that is wildly exaggerated in a boorish fashion
Trumple (v.) to trample and crumple, while insulting one's victims in the process
Trumplestiltskin (n.) the title of a book about a man who falls asleep, dreams that he is the king of the world, and never wakes up from his absurd fantasy
Trumposity (n.) the quality of being pompous, loud and overbearing
Trumptanic (n.) the name of a ship that has been advertised to be "unsinkable" but in reality is so full of holes that it can never leave dry dock
Trumptastic (adj.) something purported to be wonderful that turns out to be horse hockey
Trumpupmanship (n.) claiming to be better than everyone at everything
Trumputopia (n.) a mythical land in which alpha male chauvinism rules and everything is magically "great"

Donald Trump Poems

Donald Trump is aptly named;
we've all been gamed.
—Michael R. Burch

Conformists of a feather
flock together.
Michael R. Burch

Trump will defend
his "hair" to the end,
but never a woman
unless she's a TEN.
Michael R. Burch

Trump
ought to jump
from the stump:
his towers are nice,
but his mind is a dump.
Michael R. Burch

Twinkle, twinkle, little Trump!
How I wonder at your rump
poised above the world, so high,
raining bullshit from the sky,
like an ass that learned to fly.
Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump
defends his hair,
exposes the roots,
cries, "Look-ee there!
It's real, I swear!"

But the little oinker
will never defend
a woman from shame
unless she's a "ten."
Michael R. Burch

Twinkle, twinkle, little Trumpet!
Here's your question. Not a crumpet?
Call her "mean." Demand she dump it!
Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump Top Ten Outrageous Quotations: the Man in his own Incongruous Words

Some of the best Donald Trump jokes are the explanations he gives for acting so obnoxiously. For instance, during an interview with Chris Cuomo on CNN's New Day, The Donald proclaimed that he is "the most fabulous whiner" and bragged: "I do whine because I want to win and I'm not happy about not winning and I am a whiner and I keep whining and whining until I win." Will Mr. Putin cave to American demands simply to stop Trump's incessant whining? Well, perhaps, since Trump is so incredibly annoying ...

The beauty of me is that I'm very rich. ― Donald Trump

I'm really rich. ― Donald Trump [which according to your logic, makes you really beautiful, no?]

You know, it really doesn't matter what the media write as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass. ― Donald Trump

All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me, consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected. ― Donald Trump [but were they flirting with you, or just with your money?]

There's nothing I love more than women, but they're really a lot different than portrayed. They are far worse than men, far more aggressive. ― Donald Trump

When a man leaves a woman, especially when it was perceived that he has left for a piece of ass—a good one!—there are 50 percent of the population who will love the woman who was left. ― Donald Trump

[Women:] You have to treat 'em like shit! ― Donald Trump [and you do, Donald, you do!]

It's like in golf. A lot of people—I don't want this to sound trivial—but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive. It's weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can't sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist. ― Donald Trump 

The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive. ― Donald Trump [or is all his hot air the reason the ice caps are melting!]

The U.S. has become a dumping ground for everybody else's problems ... When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best ... They're sending people that have lots of problems ... They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people. ― Donald Trump

In response to the last quote above, Armando Fuentes Aguirre, writing in Reforma, said: "Donald Trump is one of these perverse specimens of whom humanity should feel ashamed ... I trust that Republicans—and all North Americans—will lance this ugly boil that has suddenly erupted in their national life."

Top Ten Donald Trump Policies

Adopt Dick "the Penguin" Cheney's idea of invading nations and taking their oil (because it worked so incredibly well in Iraq!)
Improve relationships with Mr. Putin through the Trump likeability factor, which is guaranteed to free Ukrainians and Crimeans in short order.
Deport eleven million immigrants and their children, even though by law the ones born here are American citizens. One can trump the Constitution, when one's name is Trump!
Force Mexico to build a wall, after which illegal immigrants will reach the United States the way Cubans do: by water. Ah!, the sweet smell of success!
First ladies are disposable and can be replaced by fresh pieces of ass at the president's whim.
Keep a Bible by the bed, but never confess a mistake, never repent, and never ask God for forgiveness.
Also keep a loaded, cocked gun at bedside, because one mustn't put too much trust in God, must one?
Keep bottom-fishing for the looniest voters.
Continue to be a carnival barker, selling a house of smoke and mirrors.
As long as one has good ratings in presidential polls and Celebrity Apprentice, all is well with the world.

Top Ten Donald Trump Insights into Women

"Women have one of the great acts of all time. The smart ones act very feminine and needy, but inside they are real killers. The person who came up with the expression 'the weaker sex' was either very naive or had to be kidding. I have seen women manipulate men with just a twitch of their eye — or perhaps another body part."
"I believe we're all equal except women still have to try harder and they know it. They will do what they have to do to get the job done and will not necessarily be demure about it."
It is a "pretty picture" to see attractive women drop to their knees and beg men for favors.
"Fat pigs!"
"Slobs!"
"Dogs!"
"Disgusting animals!"
"Bimbos!"
"Gold-diggers!"
However, an attractive woman is a "beautiful piece of ass" who may be allowed to hang around Trump until her looks fade.

Top Ten Donald Trump Hobbies

Building the Trump Brand.
Naming things after himself: Trump Airlines, Trump Vodka, Trump Mortgage, Trump Casinos, Trump Magazine, Trump Steaks, Trump Ice, Trump University, Trump: the Game.
Collecting immigrant wives.
Insulting other people, especially women who are not perfect tens in his book and people with darker skin.
Bragging about his money.
Bragging about his success.
Bragging about his "good looks."
Bragging that his hair is "real."
Bragging that he is the most "militaristic" person on the planet, despite the fact that he dodged the Vietnam War.
Firing people.

What People "in the Know" have Said about Donald Trump

"In every town large enough to have two traffic lights there is a bar at the back of which sits the local Donald Trump, nursing his fifth beer and innumerable delusions. Because the actual Donald Trump is wealthy, he can turn himself into an unprecedentedly and incorrigibly vulgar presidential candidate. It is his right to use his riches as he pleases. His squalid performance and its coarsening of civic life are costs of freedom that an open society must be prepared to pay. When, however, Trump decided that his next acquisition would be not another casino but the Republican presidential nomination, he tactically and quickly underwent many conversions of convenience (concerning abortion, health care, funding Democrats, etc.). His makeover demonstrates that he is a counterfeit Republican and no conservative." ― George Will

"If you are a conservative alarmed at the country's direction and committed to retaking the White House, you should be concerned about what Trump's ascendancy is doing to the chances of that happening. The Democrats' presumptive candidate is flailing badly. Republicans have an unusually talented field with a good chance of winning back the presidency. Do they really want to be dragged into the swamps—right now, on immigration—that will make that prospect electorally impossible? Yes, I understand the anger, the frustration, etc., etc., that Trump is channeling. But how are these alleviated by yelling 'I'm mad as hell!' — and proceeding to elect Hillary Clinton?" ― Charles Krauthammer

How, indeed?

More Donald Trump Jokes, in Addition to his "Policies" and his "Hair"

I think Donald Trump and Jeb Bush are the frontrunners. It's kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair. ― Jay Leno

That thing on his head was the gopher in Caddyshack. ― David Letterman

I will be covering all the presidential candidates ... who are Donald Trump. ― Stephen Colbert, mocking the attention Trump gets compared to the other presidential candidates

Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property. ― Conan O'Brien

On Saturday Donald Trump had some unkind words for Arizona Senator John McCain. Can you imagine being tortured 5 1/2 years in a Vietnamese prison camp, and then a man whose greatest war-time accomplishment was brokering a peace treaty on Celebrity Apprentice between Gary Busey and Meat Loaf belittles you and calls you a loser? ― Jimmy Kimmel

"I like interviewing him," Anderson Cooper told Meyers. "It's rare that you talk to a politician who doesn't come with a huge entourage, which ironically Trump does not. He just kind of shows up―in the lobby of his own building admittedly ... And he, you know, says what's on his mind, whether you agree with it or not. And he attacks you in the process which is always entertaining."

Shades of Hitler's Moustache! Donald Trump is clearly the Führer's hair apparent! — Michael R. Burch

Many presidents have believed in God, but Donald Trump evidently believes that he is God. ― Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump really is a fan of the Bible, except that it's far too long for him to read. So he just released a new, improved version, the Gospel According to Trump. It reads: "I, Donald Trump, am God. Praise, worship, and adore Me as I do Myself. Then all shall be Great, as I am Great. The End." ― Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump often appears on Fox, which is ironic because a fox often appears on Donald Trump's head. If you're at the Washington Post table with Trump and you can't finish your entree, don't worry, the fox will eat it. ― Seth Meyers

The trouble with Donald Trump is that his thoughts turn into words. ― Butch Gilliam

Trump claims he'd be the "best jobs president that God ever created." But isn't his claim to fame firing people? ― Michael R. Burch

The closest Trump ever got to battle was his fight with Rosie O'Donnell. ― Jimmy Kimmel

The slogan of the American Civil Rights Movement was "We shall overcome!" Donald Trump's new campaign slogan is "We shall overcomb!" ― Michael R. Burch

Rand Paul tried hard to upstage Donald Trump at the first debate, talking tough about his guns and his right not to register them. But with his pixie-ish perm, Paul does not impress me as the gunslinger type. Rand Paul is the RuPaul of politics. He would do better to defend his right to carry an unregistered blow-dryer and curling irons. ― Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump's hairpiece has reportedly narrowed its list of running partners down to Don King, Kramer, William Shatner, Dolly Parton and Phil Spector, and has no worries about being upstaged. ― Michael R. Burch

After Donald Trump's derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially cancelled Celebrity Apprentice. Think about it: Donald Trump isn't even president yet, and he's already made America a better place! ― Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump isn't really running for president, come on! This is obviously a new reality show, Celebrity Presidential Apprentice. It ends with the incompetent celebrity being berated, humiliated, then unceremoniously fired. ― Michael R. Burch

Due to Donald Trump entering the presidential race, season 15 of Celebrity Apprentice will not air. But don't worry. With Trump running for president, you'll still get to see an irrelevant B-list celebrity not get a job. ― Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump is running for president, which so far is everything I could have hoped for and more. He made his announcement in front of a packed crowd of supporters. But according to The Hollywood Reporter, his camp hired actors to go and then hold up signs and cheer for him. Well, Trump did say he was going to create jobs. Trump's people deny these allegations. But the casting agency that supposedly sent out the job listing refused to comment. I don't blame Trump. It's embarrassing. It's the political equivalent of paying kids to come to your birthday party. ― Jimmy Kimmel

Trump has officially changed his name to Ronald because he's such a clown, and in sympathy his toupée is changing its name to Bozo. — Michael R. Burch

In his presidential announcement speech yesterday, Donald Trump pledged to become 'the greatest jobs president that God ever created.' This is from the man who coined the catch phrase 'You're fired.' ― Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn't want to let actual reality get in the way of his reality show. ― Jay Leno

Even Donald Trump's hairpiece is fed up with his insults and says it now supports Bernie Sanders. When Trump found out, he sobbed, "Et tu, Toupée?" ― Michael R. Burch

Jon Stewart was especially pleased with Trump's presidential campaign announcement speech, which the Daily Show host characterized as "over half an hour of the most beautifully ridiculous jibber-jabber." For the soon-to-be-departing host, it was an embarrassment of riches. "Thank you. Thank you, Donald Trump, for making my last six weeks my best six weeks," Stewart said. "He is putting me in some kind of comedy hospice where I'm getting just straight morphine."

Donald Trump is running for president, and I couldn't be happier about it. He promised he would be 'the greatest jobs president that God ever created.' I think President Trump would be a very good thing for jobs in this country ― specifically for my job here at this show. ― Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy. ― Conan O'Brien

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet. ― Conan O'Brien

When Donald Trump becomes president, he'll fly on a jumbo jet rebadged Hair Force One. It will be oversized to contain his massive ego, and will have all the latest and greatest blowdryer technology. ― Michael R. Burch

President Obama poked fun at Mr Trump's unexpected rise to the top among the many Republican candidates vying for president on the Daily Show, saying: "I'm sure the Republicans are enjoying Mr Trump's dominance in their primary." Jon Stewart responded: "Anything that makes them look less crazy."

Not good. In fact, Trump's people are telling him to lay low for awhile until this all combs over. ― Jimmy Fallon, in response to the flak over Trump's suggestion that John McCain is not a war hero because he was captured.

At a campaign event in South Carolina, Trump gave out Senator Lindsey Graham's personal cellphone number. He's bringing the same level of class to this presidential election that one does to a stall in a public restroom. ― Jimmy Kimmel

At a campaign event today, Donald Trump read Senator Lindsey Graham's cellphone number aloud on live TV. It's the craziest thing Trump has done since whatever he did right before that. ― Seth Meyers

What do we get when the Donald exposes his enormous ass? A trump roast. ― Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump's campaign has raised about $100,000 in donations during the second quarter. Which raises an important question: Who is giving Donald Trump money? That's like giving your money to a pile of money. ― Jimmy Fallon

In a recent interview, John McCain addressed Trump's campaign rally in Arizona and said that he just 'fired up the crazies.' Not to be confused with Trump's show Celebrity Apprentice, where he just FIRED the crazies. ― Jimmy Fallon

Researchers here in New York created a robot that actually passed a self-awareness test. So if you're keeping score, that's robots: 1, Donald Trump: 0. ― Jimmy Fallon

What do you call a comedian who runs for president? A trump card. ― Michael R. Burch

According to a new nationwide poll, Donald Trump now leads all other Republican presidential candidates. But come on, if we elect him you know he'll just leave us for a younger country. ― Seth Meyers

After severing ties with Donald Trump, NBC is reportedly in talks with comedian George Lopez to take over Celebrity Apprentice. So Trump's greatest nightmare came true: a Hispanic guy took his job. ― Seth Meyers

Some bad news for Donald Trump. The controversial remarks he's made since he began his presidential campaign have cost his brand as much as $80 million. You can tell things are rough for Trump because today he had to wipe his mouth with a napkin instead of a 20. ― Jimmy Fallon

Today Donald Trump's official Twitter account accidentally tweeted a photo of him that also had images of Nazis in it. The Nazis are furious. ― Conan O'Brien

Macy's has severed ties with Donald Trump and no longer will carry his men's wear collection. From now on, men who want to look like Donald Trump will have to hunt and kill their own hair piece. – Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump's Miss USA Pageant was last night. The title went to the contestant who was the meanest to Miss Mexico. ― Seth Meyers

But that hair? That is comedy entrapment. People are not attacking your hair, they are defending themselves from something that appears like it's about to attack them. ― Jon Stewart on Donald Trump's complaints about people making fun of his hair

A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump piñatas filled with candy. So finally something good is going to come out of Donald Trump. ― Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump announced that he's running for president. During his speech he told the crowd that if elected he would be 'the greatest jobs president that God ever created.' Then God said, 'Hey, don't drag me into this publicity stunt.' ― Jimmy Fallon

At his campaign launch, Donald Trump apparently paid extras $50 to cheer for him at the rally. Trump said, 'Usually when I pay a person to like me, it's my wife.' ― Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump told ABC news that if he had Oprah as a running mate, they could easily win. Although you know who'd definitely win? Oprah WITHOUT Donald Trump. ― Jimmy Fallon

Political analysts are saying that as a candidate, Donald Trump is 'a totally unqualified nuisance.' In other words, he is a legitimate contender for the Republican nomination. ― Conan O'Brien

Presidential hopeful Donald Trump said yesterday that he has better hair than Senator Marco Rubio — a claim that was recently disproven by wind. ― Seth Meyers

Trump is running for president and he's wasting no time getting down to business. In fact, just after his announcement he demanded to see Jeb Bush's birth certificate. ― Jimmy Fallon

Did you see Donald Trump's big announcement today? Trump is very confident. He could be the only presidential candidate to ever pick himself as a running mate. ― Jimmy Kimmel

A lot of people aren't taking Trump seriously. But the fact of the matter is, when Donald Trump makes an announcement, people listen — because he's shouting. You have no choice but to listen. ― Jimmy Kimmel

Trump said, 'The American dream is dead.' All right, well, it's not exactly 'Hope and change,' but it's a slogan. ― Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump announced today that he is running for president. And based on the amount of bronzer he uses, he's also running for president of the Spokane NAACP. ― Seth Meyers

According to an email from his staff, Donald Trump is set to announce on June 16 whether he will run for president. Seriously? At this point, Donald Trump announcing whether he's running for president is like soccer's World Cup ― it happens every four years and no one in America cares. ― Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won Apprentice. Because nothing says 'not racist' like making a black man run your errands. —Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters — all of whom are late night comedians. ― Conan O'Brien

The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump. —Jay Leno

Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama's birth certificate to make sure that it's real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump's hair. —Jimmy Fallon

They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas. —Jon Stewart

It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over three wives. —Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can't find his birth certificate. ― Jay Leno

Gary Busey said on the Today Show yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen. ― Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump said he'd release his personal tax returns if Obama shows his birth certificate, which is probably the first you-show-me-yours-and-I'll-show-you-mine in a presidential campaign since, well, Clinton probably. ― Jimmy Kimmel

If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One. ― Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, Trump will release his tax return. Obama said he won't run for a second term if Trump releases that thing on his head. ― Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump insists that he is going to run for president. I guess he figures if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything. ― Jimmy Kimmel

NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew The Apprentice. So some good may come out of this. ― Conan O'Brien

‎There is little doubt what Trump's eventual announcement will be because he's already decided to run in his mind. That means he's a shoe-in because that's where all his supporters are. ― Stephen Colbert

According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones. ― Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice. Not to be outdone, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare. ― Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.' ― David Letterman

In an interview yesterday, Donald Trump said he has a good relationship with 'the blacks.' Well, not anymore. ― Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as 'blue' and his hair as 'ridiculous.' ― Conan O'Brien

The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high? ― David Letterman

Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know. ― David Letterman

Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs — another blonde airhead. —Bill Maher

Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn't make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn't want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent. ― Jimmy Kimmel

If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife? ― Seth Meyers

Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week: 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?' ― Bill Maher

Critics say it's illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It's also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn't born in this country. ― Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of Celebrity Apprentice is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever ― I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice. ― Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country's richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before. ― Jay Leno

If Donald Trump wins, my guess is America will look a lot like it did in Back to the Future 2 when Biff was in charge. ― Jimmy Kimmel

On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama's birth certificate could indicate that he's a Muslim. Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka. ― Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump called George W. Bush 'the worst president in the history of the United States.' Then he added, 'Until, of course, I'm elected.' ― Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump says he will run for president. He'll have to find a cabinet position for that thing on his head. ― David Letterman

Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half jack and half ass.' ― David Letterman

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.' ― Lewis Black

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents ― doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem... ― Lewis Black

Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant. ― David Letterman

How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One. ― David Letterman

Trump's last name is an omen that he'll win the Republican nomination, since "trump" means "triumph." One might suggest that this will constitute the triumph of insanity over reason, except that none of the other Republican candidates make any sense either. Trump just makes them seem less crazy by comparison. ― Michael R. Burch

It's starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you're in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened. ― Conan O'Brien

Trump appeals to the disaffected by loudly trumpet-ing what they want to hear: other people are always the problem, and the solution is to either put them in their proper place or get rid of them. ― Michael R. Burch

In a nationwide survey when voters were asked for one word that best describes Donald Trump, the most common answer was "Arrogant." For Hillary Clinton, the most common answer was "Liar." For Jeb Bush, the first word that comes to mind is "Bush." Sometimes one word really does say a lot.

"Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander." ― Conan O'Brien
 
"Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters — all of whom are late night comedians." ― Conan O'brien
 
"I'm surprised Donald Trump isn't investigating whether Hawaii is an official state. A lot of vowels over there and not enough consonants." ― Jimmy Kimmel
 
"The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump." ― Jay Leno
 
"Mitt Romney has a new fundraising gimmick. If you donate $3 or more to his campaign, your name will be entered into a drawing to win a dinner with Mitt Romney and Donald Trump. If you donate more than $10, you get to sit at a different table." ― Jay Leno
 
"Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama's birth certificate to make sure that it's real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump's hair." ― Jimmy Fallon
 
"They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas." ― Jon Stewart
 
"It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over three wives." ― Jimmy Fallon
 
"Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can't find his birth certificate." ― Jay Leno
 
"Gary Busey said on the 'Today Show' yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen." ― Conan O'Brien
 
"Donald Trump said he'd release his personal tax returns if Obama shows his birth certificate, which is probably the first you-show-me-yours-and-I'll-show-you-mine in a presidential campaign since, well, Clinton probably." ― Jimmy Kimmel
 
"If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One." ― Jimmy Kimmel
 
"Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, Trump will release his tax return. Obama said he won't run for a second term if Trump releases that thing on his head." ― Conan O'brien
 
"NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew 'The Apprentice.' So some good may come out of this." ― Conan O'brien
 
"There is little doubt what Trump's eventual announcement will be because he's already decided to run in his mind. That means he's a shoe-in because that's where all his supporters are." ― Stephen Colbert
 
"Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever―I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice." ― Jimmy Kimmel
 
"According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones." ― Conan O'brien
 
"Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on the season finale of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Not to be outdone, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare." ― Conan O'brien
 
"Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'" ― David Letterman
 
"Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as 'blue' and his hair as 'ridiculous.'" ― Conan O'brien
 
"The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high?" ― David Letterman
 
"Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know." ― David Letterman
 
"Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn't make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn't want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent." ― Jimmy Kimmel
 
"Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week: 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?'" ― Bill Maher
 
"Critics say it's illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It's also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn't born in this country." ― Conan O'brien
 
"It's starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you're in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened." ― Conan O'brien

"If you're watching us after the big debate, you can turn your volume back up!" ― Jimmy Fallon

"Earlier tonight the second Republican debate took place here in California. With 10 men and only one woman, everyone thought they were watching 'The Bachelorette.'" ― Conan O'Brien

"Tonight the Republican candidates for president gathered to debate at the Reagan presidential library, not too far from us here in Simi Valley. Debates are a great way to learn about candidates. For example, tonight I learned there were people running for president other than Donald Trump." ― Jimmy Kimmel

"Jim Gilmore was the only GOP candidate not invited to the Republican debates tonight, but I saw that he actually planned to live-tweet it. When he heard that, Jeb Bush was like 'Can I do that? I don't want to be here!'" ― Jimmy Fallon

"Allowing 11 candidates to debate is the adult version of giving every kid on the soccer team a participation trophy. ― Jimmy Kimmel

"A conservative super PAC just announced yesterday that they plan to spend $1 million on campaign ads attacking Donald Trump. Trump was like, 'Make it $2 million and I'll STAR in them!'" ― Jimmy Fallon

"Patriots quarterback Tom Brady says he thinks it would be great if Donald Trump was president. Which is really weird because I thought Brady didn't like things that are filled with too much air." ― Conan O'Brien

"Trump gave a speech from the deck of a battleship where he warned us about crime and drugs coming from down below. 'The drug cartels are going wild. They cannot believe how stupid our government is. They are making a fortune. The drugs come in, the money goes out, daily.' He's right, we have to start making drugs in America again, American drugs." ― Jimmy Kimmel

"The New York Times is reporting that in recent speeches Donald Trump has seemed more composed and toned down, and has started using prepared notes. Now instead of just calling people 'losers' and 'morons', he reads it off a card." ― Seth Meyers

"According to a new poll, almost half of Florida voters think their own candidates, Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio, should drop out of the race. While the other half of Florida keeps asking what happened to Eisenhower." ― Jimmy Fallon

"The Olive Garden is bringing back its 'Pasta Pass,' which lets you eat as much pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign." ― Conan O'Brien

"In Texas a high school student was arrested for bringing what authorities thought was a bomb to school but turned out to be a clock. Now the kid is in bigger trouble for carrying a device that could bring Texas into the future." ― Conan O'Brien

"After 14-year-old Ahmed Mohamed was arrested because his teacher thought his homemade clock was a bomb, President Obama tweeted an invitation for the boy to come to the White House. Unfortunately, Ahmed never saw the tweet because his teacher thought his iPhone was a gun." ― Seth Meyers

"In China, people are selling their kidney to buy an iPhone 6. What's going to happen when the iPhone 7 comes out?" ― Conan O'Brien

"As you can imagine, with Hillary Clinton being here, security is very tight. The Secret Service has been here all day sweeping the halls, the offices, the hard drives … It's tight." ― Jimmy Fallon

Proof that Donald Trump is in Love with his Name

Here's a selection from the more than 200 trademark applications The Donald™ has filed in his own name:

Donald J. Trump, the Fragrance
The Donald
The Donald J. Trump Credit Card
The Donald J. Trump Signature Collection
The Trump Art Collection
The Trump Follies
The Trump World Open
Tour de Trump
Oysters Trump
Purely Trump

Trump Air
Trump Airlines
Trump Attaché
Trump Card
Trump Class
Trump Concierge Service
Trump D'Elegance
Trump Fire
Trump Furniture
Trump the Game
Trump Home
Trump Ice
Trump Icon
Trump Institute
Trump Money
Trump Mortgage
Trump Office
Trump Power
Trump Royale
Trump Steaks
Trump Style
Trump Super Speedway
Trump Touch
Trump Tycoon
Trump University
Trump Versailles
Trump Vodka
Trump World

Trump's American Pale Ale
Trump's Golden Lager
Trump's World's Fair

Trumped
Trumpnet
Trumptini (presumably a martini made with Trump Vodka)

Source: US Patent and Trademark Office

Related pages: The Best Donald Trump Puns, The Best Donald Trump Insults, 2016 Republican First Presidential Debate: Winners, Losers and Impressions, Is there a Republican War on Women?, The Donald Trump Bible or The Gospel According to Trump, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Conservatives Who Support Gay Marriage, Donald Trump Nicknames, Donald Trump's "Muslim Friends"

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