The HyperTexts

Ted Cruz Nicknames: Cancun Cruz, Felito, Lyin' Ted, Terrible Ted, Wacko Bird, Ted Schmooze, The Holy Cruzader, The Cruz Controller
Terrible Ted Cruz Jokes
Terrible Ted Cruz Limericks

This page contains the best Ted Cruz nicknames that I have been able to find, and a few that I came up with myself. Ted Cruz nicknames have been coined by Donald Trump, John McCain, Jimmy Kimmel, Bill Maher, Jon Stewart, SNL, The New York Times, and even by Ted Cruz himself and his wife, Heidi Cruz. But after Terrible Ted Cruz left his constituents dying without electricity in a deep freeze to vacation in the tropics, then threw his young daughters under the bus, I suspect he will forevermore been known as Cancun Cruz.

Ted "The Ooze" Cruz is the Latino Liberace and a damn sharp dresser! Ted Schmooze is a real ladies' man. And the Holy Cruzader not only knows the mind of God, he speaks for Him too! However, the noted Bible expert Donald Trump is not convinced, pointing out that Lyin' Ted "holds up the Bible and then he lies." And as we all know The Donald is an expert at holding up the Bible and lying!

Rafael Eduardo "Ted" Cruz is a Cuban-Canadian lounge act. He will lounge while you act. — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

After Trump insulted his wife and defamed his father, Two-Faced Ted came crawling back to lick Trump's boots. The Cruz Controller even joined Don the Con in inciting an armed mob's assault on the nation's Capitol building. Will voters hand Seditionist Ted his walking papers at his next election?

Then there is the saga of Ted and Heidi Cruz’s excellent Cancún adventure ... It turns out that the Cancún Cruzer was not forced to chaperone his daughters after all, because Heidi Cruz texted neighbors that the Cruzes were FREEZING in all caps and were going to stay at the Cancún Ritz Carlton for the weekend, not just long enough for Terrible Ted to get his daughters to warmer climes and fly back immediately to be with his constituents.

When the going gets tough, Lyin' Ted gets going ... to the warmth and safety of the Cancún Ritz Carlton! — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

There once was a senator, Cruz,
whose whole life was one pus-oozing schmooze.
When Trump called his wife ugly,
Cruz brown-nosed him smugly,
then went on a sweet Cancún cruise!
—Michael R. Burch

There are more Ted Cruz limericks and Ted Cruz poems after the nicknames.

Top Ten Ted Cruz Nicknames, Plus a Few

Cancun Cruz
Lyin' Ted (by Donald Trump: "He holds up the Bible and then he lies.")
The Holy Cruzader (by Michael R. Burch)
"Face of God" and "The Second Coming" (after Heidi Cruz said her husband would show Americans "the Face of God")
Lucifer in the Flesh (by John Boehner)

In his revelatory book On the House former Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner called Ted Cruz "Lucifer in the Flesh."  

Terrible Ted Cruz (inspired by the reaction to a Mark Halperin interview with Donald Trump)
Wacko Bird (by John McCain)
Proud Wacko Bird (by Ted Cruz himself)
Teddy Munster (Jimmy Kimmel)
The Cruz Controller (by Michael R. Burch)
Ted Schmooze (by Michael R. Burch)
Ted "the Ooze" Cruz (by Michael R. Burch)

LustTED (a pun on TrustTED)
Casanova Cruz
The Latino Liberace
Pervy Ted Cruz
Cootie Cruz
The Cuban Casanova
The Cuban Ass-ass-in
Dumpy Cuban Cabana Boy
El Presidente Wannbe

Cruz's childhood nickname can be interpreted as "Little Fidel" since Felito is a diminutive form of Felix, which means "fidelity."

Fidelo and Little Fidelo

Cruz's father fought with Fidel Castro and the communists who took over Cuba; is Ted Cruz part of Castro's revenge for the Bay of Pigs?

Castro's Revenge (ditto)
Cohiba (a brand of Cuban cigars was Cruz's odd choice for his Secret Service code name, and it sounds like "Cuba")

The Bearded Boy Blunder
Two-Faced Ted
The Suckup

Cruz once called Trump a "serial philanderer," a "sniveling coward," and a "pathological liar." But now Two-Faced Ted sucks up to Trump at every opportunity and even wrote a glowing appraisal of him for TIME magazine. Cruz's fawning before Trump was called a "morbid spectacle" by GQ.

Morbid Spectacle (GQ)
Cancun Cruz
The Cancun Cruzer
Fleein' Flyin' and Lyin' Ted Cruz (this nickname sums up his Cancun Caper)
The Vacation Valentino

After Two-Faced Ted Cruz was caught gallivanting off to Cancun while Texans were freezing to death in the middle of a major power outage, he did what only Terrible Ted Cruz could even imagine doing: he threw his daughters, age 10 and 12, under the bus, blaming them for his lack of empathy for his constituents. But Lyin' Ted was obviously lying about his daughters needing a chaperone because there are pictures of his wife at the airport with "The Face of God." Furthermore the Cruz Controller was obviously planning on staying longer because he rebooked his return ticket after being caught red-handed.

Trump's Toady
Trump's Latino Lap Poodle

The Insurrectionist
Seditionist Ted

Pall Bearer (due to Cruz's uncanny resemblance to Paul Bearer, the funeral parlor manager of pro wrestling's Undertaker)
Teddy Cruzer (pun on Freddy Krueger)
Teddy Bare (because in college he would don a paisley robe and "cruz" the halls of a co-ed dorm, causing the female students to call his roommate for relief)
Cyborg Cruz (from a remark by Craig Mazin, who roomed with Cruz when they were college freshmen)
Creepy Ted Cruz (four people who knew Cruz in college described him as a "creep" in interviews)
Creepcrawler Cruz (ditto)
Creepshow Cruz (ditto)
Creepy Weepy Cruz and Crocodile Tears Cruz (ditto, and because he often looks as if he's about to burst into tears)

Scruz Loose (pun on "screws loose")
Ted Scruz (after allegations that the "devout Christian family man" had affairs with five women, including a prostitute)
The Cuban Mistress Crisis (ditto)
Boozin' Ted
Boozin', Oozin' 'n' Loosin' Cruz (Michael R. Burch)

The Greased Pig of Politics (SNL)
Nasty Little Weasel (SNL's Taran Killam)
Sneaky Little Stinker (SNL)
Stinky (due to reports of body odor issues)
Pepé le Pew (pun on body order and a church pew),

Tricky Ted Cruz (after Tricky Dick Nixon)
The Waffle King (because Cruz claims not to have supported amnesty for illegal immigrants, when he clearly did, creating a path for them to "come out of the shadows" and stay in the U.S. permanently)
Shady Mailer

Ted "Carpet Bomb" Cruz (by the editorial board of The New York Times)
The Fourth Dorkman of the Apocalypse (after George W. Bush, Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann)
Diabolical Ted Cruz (Bill Maher, talking to Jimmy Kimmel)

Proud Boy (Daily Kos)
Proud Ploy Boy (Michael R. Burch)
Big Oil Cruz (Iowa's Republican Governor Terry Branstad)
Toxic Ted Cruz
Ted "Texas Sidewinder" Cruz
The Insufferable Schmuck
Dirty Syrup Gulper (Jon Stewart)
McCarthy Jr. (he even looks like Joe McCarthy)
The Cruzinator
Ted "Smug Mug" Cruz
Tailgunner Ted Cruz

The Zodiac Biller (his clients)
The Zodiac Killer (Donald Trump, apparently the bromance is off again!)
Beautiful Ted (Donald Trump, apparently the bromance is back on again!)
Texas Ted (Donald Trump)
The Ultimate Hypocrite (by Donald Trump, in a tweet)

Dis-Honorable Mention Ted Cruz Nicknames: King Cobra Cruz (Michael R. Burch), Darth eVader (for refusing to clarify his positions, then claiming to be "consistent"), Darth Nerder, Darth Degrader (after his trashing of "New York values"), Obstructer in Chief, Revenge of the Nerd-Turd, Creature from the Black Lagoon, The Fireman (after he told little Julie Trant, a three-year-old, that her world was "on fire"), Mr. Pants-on-Fire (ditto), Mr. Firepants (ditto), The Human Torch (ditto), Calgary Flamepants (after the Calgary Flames hockey team; Cruz was born in Calgary, Canada), Calgary Cruz, Canadian Cruz, Oinker Boinker, Randy Ted, Mr. Cruz Missile (because he promised to carpet bomb the Middle East with nukes to see if the sands will "glow" at night), Duke Nukem (ditto), Dr. Strangelove (ditto), The Mad Carpet Bomber (ditto), The Dune-a-Bomber (ditto), Mr. Cruz Control, The Big A, The Big Asshole, Booger, Cudchewer Cruz, Chewbacca, Ted Carnival Cruz and the Creep Cruzettes

Terrible Ted Cruz Limericks

There once was a senator, Cruz,
whose whole life was one pus-oozing schmooze.
When Trump called his wife ugly,
Cruz brown-nosed him smugly,
then went on a sweet Cancun cruise!
—Michael R. Burch aka “The Loyal Opposition”

There once was an anchor babe, Cruz,
whose deployment was Castro’s bold ruse.
Now the revenge of Fidel
has worked out quite well
as Ted's ooze blasts us from his caboose.
—Michael R. Burch aka “The Loyal Opposition”

There was a Canadian, Cruz,
an anchor babe with a bold ruse:
he’d take Texas first
and then do his worst
to infect the whole world with his views.
—Michael R. Burch aka “The Loyal Opposition”

Getting to Know the Real Ted Cruz

Cruz is often described as “oily,” but that word doesn’t really do him justice. In fact, he’s so oleaginous he reminds one of the puddles covering the stained cement floor of a Jiffy Lube. It’s not just a physical characteristic – though there is that; the man has a sheen about him – but also one of affect. When he strides out to a rapturous greeting from the crowd and walks along the edge of the stage slapping hands with people in the front row, it feels so studied that I can picture college-age Ted Cruz practicing this move in his Princeton dorm room. The speech is filled with the usual bullshit that no one will call him on, even in a GOP debate, because all the candidates are trying to appeal to a base that has gone beyond reason and Earth’s orbit. ― Gary Legum, in a report for Salon

Cruz, by contrast [with Donald Trump], has a lock on nastiness. ― Dana Milbank
Cruz has Joe McCarthy’s knack for false insinuation and underhandedness. ― Dana Milbank
What sets Cruz apart is the malice he exudes. ― Dana Milbank
Ben Carson, who rarely has a bad word to say about anybody in the GOP race, accused Cruz of “deceit and dirty tricks and lies” this week after the Iowa caucuses.
Two former rivals who appeal to religious conservatives, Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum, have questioned Cruz’s truthfulness, along with Ben Carson and Donald Trump.
Sarah Palin, whose support for Cruz in 2012 helped get him elected to the Senate, denounced him after a Cruz surrogate accused her of accepting payment from Donald Trump in return for her endorsement.
Palin accused Cruz of “lies,” a “dirty trick” and “typical Washington tactics.”
Ted Cruz was a "monster geek" (a college classmate's description).
Ted Cruz is as "telegenic as an undertaker" (the same college classmate).
A woman who lived in a co-ed dorm with Cruz said: “He was kind of this liminal character. I did not experience him as threatening, although other people may have.”
“He was just sort of an odious figure lurking around,” another dorm-mate said.
“There was no casual conversation with Ted Cruz,” Dae Levine, who knew Cruz from college debates, said. “I remember him being completely competitive, laser-focused on winning and not on socializing.”
Levine also said: “His conservatism, added to his calculated nature, added to his antisocial behavior, created this persona that was a bit of a villain. 
“I don’t think that Ted ever had a really good sense of when to rein it back,” said his college debate teammate Monica Youn.
Shawn Halbert, a Princeton debater: “He was known in debate circles for frequently telling the story of his father coming to the U.S. with the money in his underpants; he was very attached to that image.”
“I strongly believed that he wasn’t someone you would want to trust with a modicum of power,” Halbert said. “In my opinion, he was not regarded in the group as a person with substantial integrity.”
“There are not that many people in my life who I can think of who I didn’t actually have extensive interactions with who bring up such bad feelings,” said Mikaela Beardsley, who knew Cruz  at Princeton, in 1988.
According to Mikaela Beardsley, she and Cruz were having an “intellectual debate” about abortion one day, when she disclosed that her mother had once ended a pregnancy. “I remember telling him [that] my mother had two children, they really couldn’t afford to have another child, they really would have struggled. And it was a very difficult, painful decision for my mother.” At that point, she said, “he became vicious and made it personal,” eventually telling her “that my mother was going to hell and was a whore.” She added, “He made me cry, he was really awful. It was one of the worst things that anyone’s ever said to me.” (Two other students who lived in Butler at the time recalled Beardsley and Cruz getting into an argument over abortion that resulted in tears.)

Coinages Inspired by Creepy Ted Cruz

cruz or cruze (v.) — to glide in a sidling manner toward an objective (like a Texas sidewinder); also, to seek sexual relationships by asking potential partners their IQ and SAT scores
cruzing (n.) — a pickup method: "Cruzing became our habit, but for some strange reason we were never able to score with women by wearing paisley robes and requesting their IQs!"
"cruzing for a bruising" (pun) — what we will all be doing, if we elect the Cruz Controller president!; also "cruzin' for bruisin'"
Cruzader (n.) — a fanatical unholy crusader who "cruzes" shiftily to victory by blaming other people for his own follies and failures
cruzz (n.) — a noxious form of crud; the encrusted skuzzy residue left after a slimy politico like Cruz has gotten his fingers on something, handled it, then had his attention diverted elsewhere
Cruz Control (compound noun) — a form of "government" in which one's actions are limited and controlled by the lazy, hazy "thinking" of a politico like Cruz
Cruzonomy (n.) — an economy "cruzing" toward disaster due to the wacko-bird "ideas" of a politico like Cruz
Cruzectomy (n.) — a process in which a nation has its brain forcibly removed after electing an extremist politico like Cruz; similar to a lobotomy, but on a much larger scale
Cruzette (n) — a female backup singer on the Carnival Cruz of Death & Dismemberment, currently boarding in Iowa
Carpet Cruz (compound noun) — crews willing to carpet bomb civilians per the dictates of the Cruz Controller once he becomes president (hopefully none will be found in our military!)

Why is Ted Cruz so Loathed?

Creepy Ted Cruz claims to be a "Christian" but his tax returns show that he donated less that 1% of his earnings to charity from 2006 to 2010, and nothing to Christian churches, despite the fact that he is a millionaire lawyer, a well-paid Texas senator, and a Southern Baptist pastor!

A prominent aide to George W. Bush's 2000 campaign could barely contain himself when we asked him to discuss Cruz, who worked in the campaign's policy shop. This person described Cruz as hyper-arrogant and widely despised, and he emphasized—over and over—that the pervasive dislike of Cruz within the Bush ranks had nothing to do with ideology. (Cruz, he noted, never objected to Bush's call for compassionate conservatism, immigration reform, and national education standards, and no one on the campaign regarded him as an ideologue.) The problem was simple: his personality. "That's exactly what he was: a big asshole," says a campaign veteran who worked with Cruz. "Ted thought he was an expert on everything," says this campaign veteran, who asked not to be named. "He was a smart and talented guy, but completely taken with himself and his own ideas. He would offer up opinions on everything, even matters outside his portfolio. He was a policy guy, but he would push his ideas on campaign strategy. He would send memos on everything to everyone. He would come to meetings where he wasn't invited—and wasn't wanted." In fact, this Bush alum recalls, "the quickest way for a meeting to end would be for Ted to come in. People would want out of that meeting. People wouldn't go to a meeting if they knew he would be there. It was his inability to be part of the team. That's exactly what he was: a big asshole." The Bush vet goes on: "I don't know anyone who had a decent relationship with Cruz." And when Bush became president, his top campaign aides agreed Cruz should not be offered a job in the White House. "No one wanted to work with him," this source remembers. "George W. Bush couldn't stand the guy." This person adds, "It's a real quandary for Bush campaign people: Trump versus Cruz, who to vote for? And it would be a big quandary even if it's Cruz versus Hillary Clinton. That's how much they cannot stand him."

Donald Trump: Nobody likes Ted Cruz because he is a "nasty guy."
Bob Dole: Ted Cruz would be an ineffective president because "nobody likes him"  and "He doesn't have any friends in Congress."
John McCain called Ted Cruz a "whacko bird." A McCain adviser told GQ: "He fucking hates Cruz. He's just offended by his style."
George W. Bush:  "I just don't like the guy," the former president said in October.
Karl Rove told Fox News that George W. Bush was particularly upset that Cruz had questioned Bush's nomination of Chief Justice John Roberts—whom Cruz himself had once praised.
John Boehner called Cruz "that jackass" and a "false prophet."
Peter King has called Cruz a "carnival barker," a "counterfeit" with "no qualifications" who appeals "to the lowest common denominator," and "just a guy with a big mouth and no results."
Peter King said: "If you come up with a strategy that's going to shutdown the government of the United States, and you have no way of winning, you're either a fraud or you're totally incompetent."
Lindsey Graham called Cruz "an opportunist" and a "libertarian when it is hot." He also said the party would be better off if it picked "somebody out of the phone book."
Cruz is an egomaniac known for dispatching regular updates on his accomplishments that one recipient likened to "the cards people send about their families at Christmas, except Ted's were only about him and were more frequent."
The New York Times reported that Cruz's fellow Supreme Court clerks believed he was "obsessed" with capital punishment and noted that clerks took offense at the airy tone with which he discussed executions when the court received last-minute appeals for a stay. Former clerks who had worked at the Supreme Court when Cruz was clerking for Chief Justice William Rehnquist dissed his "dime store novel" write-ups of death penalty cases.
GQ reported that Cruz started a study group during his first year in Cambridge, but he announced that "he didn't want anybody from 'minor Ivies' like Penn or Brown."
In an interview with the Boston Globe, another student recalled what happened when she agreed to carpool with Cruz: "We hadn't left Manhattan before he asked my IQ."
"I would rather have anybody else be the president of the United States," screenwriter Craig Mazin told the Daily Beast in 2013. "Anyone. I would rather pick somebody from the phone book."
Mazin—who has called Cruz "a nightmare of a human being"—recalled that when he was a freshman sharing a dorm room with Cruz, he would get invited to parties hosted by seniors because the upperclassmen pitied him.
Cruz, he notes, "was that widely loathed. It's his superpower."
"When I met Ted in 1988, I had no word to describe him, but only because I didn't speak German. Thank you, Germans, for Backpfeifengesicht." (Backpfeifengesicht means "face that should be slapped.")
Per the Daily Beast, "Several fellow classmates who asked that their names not be used described the young Cruz with words like 'abrasive,' 'intense,' 'strident,' 'crank,' and 'arrogant.' Four independently offered the word 'creepy.'"
Geoff Cohen: "People might think Craig is exaggerating. He's not. I met Ted freshman week and loathed him within the hour."
Cruz made female students uncomfortable by frequently walking to their end of the floor in his freshman dorm, wearing only a paisley bathrobe.
When he announced his bid for president of the school's debate society, the other members had a secret meeting to pick an anyone-but-Cruz candidate.
The eventual winner later acknowledged that "my one qualification for the office was that I was not Ted Cruz."

Ten Reasons to Vote for Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz is the most consistent presidential candidate, since he fully embraced the Dark Side of the Force to become the Darth Vader of American politics.
Ted Cruz will never be budged or shaken from a political position, once he has carefully chosen the worst possible position.
Ted Cruz's ability to chose the worst possible political positions is infallible: for instance, singing the praises of carpet bombing, which our generals consider immoral and very bad military strategy.
Ted Cruz is so creepy, he makes everyone around him seem better than they are; hell, he makes Donald Trump seem positively angelic!
Ted Cruz will curl your hair with his speeches, policies and actions, saving you a small fortune on expensive hair products!
Ted Cruz will be the most Christian of presidents, which in conservative circles means always doing exactly the opposite of what Christ would have done himself.
Ted Cruz will appoint himself Grand Inquisitor of the United States, in which capacity he will vigilantly protect the True Faith (his Pharisaic version) from any and all heresies (independent thought).
Ted Cruz will zealously defend the right of his disciples (modern Pharisees) to discriminate against and persecute anyone who disagrees with God (as interpreted by Ted Cruz).
Ted Cruz will become the first celebrity to win a popular TV show solo, by embracing and dancing with his inner demons.
Ted Cruz will bring about the End Times by carpet bombing the Middle East with nukes until the sands "glow" at night. This will, presumably, please Jesus.

Ted Cruz does have some remarkable talents. For instance, as a former actor who considered becoming a professional, he has the ability to lie with a straight face while seeming to be almost in tears because he "cares" so much about whatever he is currently pretending to care about. He is also remarkably shifty. I have taken to calling him King Cobra Cruz because he shifts from side to side while waiting for a chance to strike. Cruz is usually very careful not to make firm commitments, so that he can shift sideways while claiming to be "consistent." What is Cruz's actual position on immigration? No one really knows, nor does Cruz probably, because his position will always change with the political winds. Cruz doesn't care about doing the right things; he is a consummate lawyer and politician who cares about winning and getting elected. As Leslie Sanchez recently pointed out, before Cruz ran for the Senate his position was "framing conservative policy as a means for helping Latino voters and new immigrant families ascend the economic ladder." What happened when he ran for Senate? Cruz shifted positions to "meet a market need." There were more votes to be had by focusing on negatives like opposing amnesty, so Cruz became a vocal decrier of amnesty. But then Cruz introduced an amendment to the "Gang of Eight" bill that would have increased H1-B visas by 500% and conditionally granted legal residence and green cards to millions of people in the country illegally. That was obviously amnesty rather than eviction, but now Cruz claims that he "never supported amnesty" when the written record shows that he clearly did. When Trump proposed his gigantic wall along the Mexican border, the opportunistic Cruz stuck out his forked tongue, tasted the air, and decided there were votes to be had by agreeing with Trump, while letting him take the chances. Whether he was right or wrong, at least Trump had the courage to take a stand. Cruz just waffled and sidled along, like a Texas sidewinder. Another remarkable Cruz talent is his ability to take money from special interests while pretending to be an "outsider." How can someone with net assets of around a million dollars take on a million dollars in debt, then "forget" about it? It's simply not possible. If I have $100,000 equity in my house, and that's the only major investment I have, and I take out a home equity loan for $100,000, obviously I am going to think very long and hard about what that means, on a daily basis. I am certainly not going to forget that I suddenly have no net assets. If I look at a balance sheet or government filing, and it says I have a $100,000 in net assets when it is closer to zero, I am not going to "forget" the truth. Now if Donald Trump said that he forgot a million dollar loan, I might believe him, because it's petty cash to him. But neither I nor Mr. Cruz are going to "forget" huge loans that put us back at square one after years of hard work to build a nest egg. Why did Cruz choose not to report two huge low-interest-rate loans from Goldman Sachs and Citibank? Probably because, being a lawyer, he figured the ultimate risk was small, and was thus worth taking. It was probably a very small gamble, really, and it helped him net a Senate seat and tons of money and power, as he was able to portray himself as an "outsider" willing to keep the "big special interests" at bay. But it turned out to be just another shifty sidewinder dance for King Cobra Cruz. 

Related pages: Donald Trump Nicknames, Melania Trump Nicknames, Jared Kushner Nicknames, Ivanka Trump Nicknames, Donald Trump Jr. Nicknames, Eric Trump Nicknames, Ted Cruz Nicknames, Kellyanne Conway Nicknames, Mitch McConnell Nicknames, Jeff Sessions Nicknames, Sarah Huckabee Sanders Nicknames, Kellyanne Conway Nicknames, Mike Pence Nicknames, Brett Kavanaugh Nicknames, Paul Ryan Nicknames, Marsha Blackburn Nicknames, Stephen Miller Nicknames, Michael Cohen Nicknames, Matt Whitaker Nicknames, John Kelly Nicknames, Sarah Palin Nicknames, Donald Trump Cabinet Nicknames, Trump 45 Nicknames, Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast, Is Donald Trump the Antichrist?, Where Have All the Birthers Gone?, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Ted Cruz Nicknames, Is Ted Cruz an Anchor Baby?, Is Ted Cruz the Antichrist?, Marco Rubio Nicknames, Matt Whitaker Nicknames

The HyperTexts