Rudy Giuliani Nicknames
Rudy Giuliani Quotes
Rudy Giuliani Jokes by Stephen Colbert, Billy Crystal, Stormy Daniels, SNL's Pete Davidson, Jimmy Kimmel, Rob Lowe, Bill Maher, Seth Meyers, Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, Trevor Noah, Jeffrey Ross and David Spade
This page contains the best Rudy Giuliani nicknames, jokes and quotes that I have been able to find, plus a few that I came up with myself.
Rudy Giuliani looks a lot like Simon Bar Sinister, Mr. Toad, Cheezburger, Uncle Fester, Dracula and Nosferatu, so I have included photographic and cartoon likenesses as well.
Related pages: Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast, Is Donald Trump the Antichrist?, Donald Trump Russia Quotes
The reanimated corpse known as Rudy Ghouliani was stitched together without a brain by Igor's dumber brother. — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Rudy "The Ghoul" Giuliani has already written the epitaph for his tombstone: "He lied for Trump." No, scratch that. It will say: "He lied badly and baldly for Trump." — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
After the Ghoul ended up in a COVID ward, Jimmy Kimmel reported that Count Flatula was resting in the hospital and "feasting on the blood of newborns in the maternity ward."
In less than a month, Count Flatula farted in one court case, was seen leaking either hair dye or brain fluid in another, held a lie-filled press conference in the parking lot of a landscaping company sandwiched between a sex shop and a crematorium, had a cameo playing pocket pool in a Borat movie, shut down the Arizona state legislature, and managed to lose around 60 consecutive fraudulent, evidence-less court cases. Is his boss tired of "winning" yet?
"Giuliani" has become a verb meaning "to lie shamelessly, ridiculously and incoherently." For instance: "She will giuliani herself out of that DUI by claiming Martians plied her with liquor while impregnating her. When the tabloids show up, she'll claim to be a virgin and call it an Immaculate Conception." — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
The Top Ten Rudy Giuliani Nicknames ... Oh, hell, make it the Top Twenty-Five, plus a few!
Broody (think of the horror movie The Brood, if the grotesque hatchlings survived)
Colludy Giuliani (Trevor Noah)
Trump's TV Lawyer (Lawrence O'Donnell)
America's Most Illegal Lawyer (Trevor Noah)
Fart Blossom (he farted while arguing Trump's fraudulent election case)
Count Flatula (Jimmy Kimmel)
America's Sprayer (Jimmy Kimmel)
The Arizona state legislature had to be shut down after the infected Ghoul's visit. Giuliani has morphed from America’s mayor to America’s Sprayer, as Jimmy Kimmel observed.
Pee-Pee le Pooh (Michael R. Burch)
Thanks to his lawyers, Trump is "undefeated at losing." — Stephen Colbert
Rudy the Red-Nosed Panderer
Trump's Human Doormat
AmeriKKKa's Scariest Mayor (Bill Maher)
America's Traitor (Bill Maher)
Trump's Trail of Tears Trial Lawyer (Michael R. Burch)
Trump's Confidence Lawyer
Trump's Scampaign Manager
The First Amigo
The Ukraine Brain Drain
The Confident Mobster (Washington Post)
Rudy Giuliani is the First Amigo and the mastermind of the Ukraine Brain Drain. While Giuliani is theoretically Trump's "personal lawyer," his every word and action scream: "Impeach the Peach!"
The Washington Post called Giuliani a "confident mobster" after he tried to strong-arm Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky into interfering in a US election by lying about Hunter Biden. Giuliani’s tone and actions during his dealings with the Ukrainians were “aggressive and threatening,” according to a Zelensky insider. But the Ukrainians, he said, steadfastly refused to “play ball” because Zelensky knew he would lose respect if he became Trump's stooge. That is something that has obviously never troubled Giuliani.
Embalmer's Display Model (Stephen Colbert)
Rigger Mortis (Michael R. Burch)
Mulberry Street Dracula (Seth Meyers)
Count Chocula's Bookie (Seth Meyers)
Anthropomorphic Bat Asshole (Aldous J. Pennyfarthing)
Hungover Sweet Potato (Stephen Colbert)
"Trump’s gonna be the first client who pleads insanity on behalf of his lawyer." — Seth Meyers
The King of Unintentional Comedy
Mr. Four Seasons (after he held a press conference in the parking lot of Four Seasons Total Landscaping, sandwiched between a sex shop and crematorium)
Rudy Giuliani is the dead spitting image of Nosferatu, the first and eeriest movie Dracula.
After John Bolton opined that Rudy Giuliani is a human Hand Grenade who's going to blow everyone up, Broody Rudy had his nanny-nanny-boo-boo comeuppance by calling Bolton an Atomic Bomb.
More Rudy Giuliani Nicknames
Rudy Drooliani (please refer to the first picture above)
Stooliani (was an impacted stool the cause of that explosive fart?)
Simon Bar Sinister
Rudy Giuliani and Simon Bar Sinister are identical twins!
Riot Act Rudy
The Drug Dealer (John Bolton)
73-Year-Old Chipotle Trainee (Seth Meyers)
Trailer Park Trash
Trump's Legal Beagle
No president has ever lost one election so many times. — Jimmy Kimmel
Trump's Bag Man (Ellen Cranley)
Trump's PR Lawyer (Barbara McQuade)
Honestly, I think we're being much too hard on Trump's PR Lawyer in Training! Fact checkers tell us that his client lies, on average, nearly 100 times per day. What's a lawyer to do, except lie like a dog, or resign? Rudy G. has obviously opted for the former over the latter. But who knows, maybe he needs the money to pay his own legal bills. Trump's lawyers need fleets of lawyers to keep them out of the hoosegow. Trump just hired 17 more himself, so he doesn't seem very confident in his TV Smokesmodel. — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Rudy Ghouliani: "If you believe Cohen, I can get you a great deal on the Brooklyn Bridge!"
A Real Lawyer: "If you believe Trump, I can get you a great deal on a Trump University diploma, a Trump charity donation, and a wall Mexico will pay for, while people sail around it, fly over it, tunnel under it, and cut out easy access windows with cheap saws!"
Mr. Toad from Mr. Toad's Wild Ride (Stormy Daniels)
Human-Toad Hybrid with Highly Venomous Under-Fangs
Walking Gaffe Machine (Tyler Durden in Zero Hedge)
Hypothetical Human Being
Endless Barrage of Unforced Errors in Human Form (Michael R. Burch)
Fount of Unfiltered Information
Human Lie Dispenser
Human Pinball Machine (former CIA Director Leon Panetta)
According to Rudy Giuliani the Moscow Trump Tower was a fleeting notion, the haziest of castles in the air. Giuliani insisted there were "no plans," "no drafts" and "nothing in the file." But then Buzzfeed News produced the file, which included "hundreds of pages of business documents, emails, text messages, and architectural plans." Oh, and a $50 million bribe for Vladimir Putin in the form of a free penthouse suite!
He Who Speaks With Forked Tongue (his Native American name)
Rudy Giuliani's evolution as one of America's greatest legal thinkers:
There was absolutely no collusion! None, in any way, shape or form! End this preposterous witch hunt immediately!
Okay, there was maybe ... probably some collusion, but my client, like Sgt. Schultz, knows nothing!
Okay, maybe my client knows something, but I wasn't there, so it doesn't count!
I wasn't there then ... also, I'm not here now if you catch me lying! Thus I am never anywhere!
Sure, we tried our best to collude, but we were really, really bad at it! Trying to rape and failing is not a crime!
Of course there was YUGE collusion, but collusion is not a crime! In fact, there is no such thing as crime!
Heil Hair Hitler!
Boss, it's not really a jail, it's an .... um ... er .... gated community!
Batshit Crazy Rudy
Julianne Potato Head
Jelly Jowls Giuliani
Rodeo Clown Rudy
Rudy "The Ghoul" Giuliani
Voldemort's Basilisk in Human Form (Kylee Chatham)
SpongeBob in Human Form
Rotweiler in Human Form (Billy Crystal said Rotweiler DNA would show in a blood test)
Raw Sewage in Human Form
Powerless Warlock being Burned Alive by Fact-Checkers
The Cracked Pot
The Man Formerly Known as America's Mayor
The 9-11 Hero Trump Turned into a Zero
Adolph Giuliani and Adolf Giuliani
The Blight Supremacist
The Snazzy Nazi
My Rudy (Donald Trump)
Corrupt Rudy (Joe Scarborough)
Trump's Consigliere (emphasis on "con")
One particularly pestilential boil on the national hindquarters (The Week)
The guy who admits to crimes on national TV (The Week)
Rudy Giuliani Coronavirus Nicknames
For his multitudinous efforts on its behalf, the coronavirus has granted Rudy Giuliani the following titles and epaulets:
The Coronavirus's BBF
Coronavirus in Semi-Human Drooling Form
The Human-COVID Hybrid
The COVID Hominid
The Hyper Ventilator
The Covid Kid
Dishonorable Mention: Trump's Clown, Trump's Lapdog, Trump's Poodle, Trump's Surrogate, Judge Rudy, Rude Rudy, The Front-Runner, Human Tweet, The Deplorable Lawyer, The Hanging Judge Who Hung Himself, New York Pork Dork, The Perjurer, Perjury Incarnate, Extrudy Giuliani, The Crony, Homo Sans Sapiens
Rudy Giuliani Jokes
After Giuliani ended up in a COVID ward, Jimmy Kimmel reported that Count Flatula was resting in the hospital and "feasting on the blood of newborns in the maternity ward."
Rudy Giuliani is the perfect "reality TV lawyer" for America's first "Celebrity Apprentice President." Giuliani has a very unusual legal defense strategy: Confess multiple versions of every potential crime on national TV, then claim both the client and his lawyer are batshit crazy."
Stephen Colbert expounds: “That’s just Rudy Giuliani using a classic legal strategy. Step one: go on every TV show known to man. Step two: learn the facts of your case.”
Trevor Noah on Giuliani’s interview meltdowns: “I feel like I just smoked weed through the TV. It’s almost like he challenged himself to confess to at least one crime per interview.”
Seth Meyers agrees: “Soon he’s gonna start cold-calling TV shows to tell them about illegal stuff Trump did.”
Seth Meyers again: “[Giuliani] is a former mayor and U.S. attorney who’s now the lawyer for the president of the United States, and Trump talks about him like he’s a trainee at Chipotle.”
Seth Meyers completes a comedy trifecta: “Trump’s gonna be the first client who pleads insanity on behalf of his lawyer.”
As for Giuliani’s assertion that $130,000 is “not a lot of money,” and that $1.3 million would be a more appropriate amount for a settlement? “Rudy says $1.3 million is the number you should be paid,” Colbert said. “So now we know how much it will cost to silence Giuliani. And Trump might have to do it, because this weekend, Giuliani screwed him hard.”
Rudy Giuliani is the 73-year-old poster child for Trump Derangement Syndrome.
Giuliani's first marriage lasted 14 years before it was annulled after he discovered he was second cousin to his wife, Regina Peruggi.
Giuliani has appeared in drag as Rudy Rudia. Apparently, Rude Rudy Rudia has a hard-on for The Donald.
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