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Trump Christmas: The Best "Spirit of the Season" Donald Trump Jokes, Puns, Tweets, Quotes, Poems, Limericks, Nicknames and Hashtags

Have a very merry scary Trump Christmas! But first, better put on your thickest, warmest sweater, 'cause it's going to be a long, dark, very cold, strange and eerie trip! What did Donald Trump mean in his speech about "time-honored traditions"? What did he mean when he said that he was going to put the Christ back in Christmas? Do the images below make you think of a Holy Child bringing the world a message of peace and joy? Or does it look like the Other Guy has been very hard at work, destroying everything holy? And while Santa Claws is preparing for his troll-ish Slay Ride over North Korea and Iran, what on earth (or in the depths of hell) has Mrs. Claws been up to? Why do the White House trees look like skeletons? And why do the Christmas carols sound like wolves baying at a blood moon? Is it because Trump was born on a blood moon? (Strange, but true, and the Trump family also owns the skyscraper at 666 Fifth Avenue, a street symbolic of money and thus of Mammon! Oh, and the federal budget deficit for Trump's first year—fiscal year 2017—was 666 billion dollars, as reported by Fox Business, CNN Money, The Wall Street Journal, Fortune and Reuters.) 

Why does it feel like we're living in an Omen movie brought to life? Is it a coincidence that Donald Trump has the same initials as Damien Thorne, that the names
Damien and Donald both mean "one who rules/subdues," that they both attended military academies, that they both rose to political power by deceiving the elect (i.e., believers), and that they both continued to operate construction companies while in the White House? If this concerns you, please scroll down to the link where Donald Trump's many connections to the number 666 are revealed. Yes, it does sound like the plot of an Omen movie, but these facts are easily verified. Donald Trump was born on a blood moon. His family does own the most expensive building in the United States, at 666 Fifth Avenue. The price was $1.8 billion dollars, which is three more sixes! And he inherited the family business from Elizabeth Christ Trump, I kid you not! The name Elizabeth means "vow" or "oath" so her name can be interpreted as a "vow for Christ to be trumped." She died on 6-6-6, the day Trump came into his inheritance. (Seriously, look it up!) The ancient prophets predicted that even the very elect would be deceived by the Antichrist. Four out of five evangelical Christians voted for Trump. Did the prophets know whereof they spoke? When they predicted a "little horn" and a "Trump of Doom," were they speaking literally?

Thanks to the Trumps the eerily-decorated
White House now has "one of the scariest hallways in America," according to Gizmodo. Adjectives used to describe the Christmastime White House ornaments and decorations include "dark," "ominous," "diabolical," "spooky" and "Satanic." Comparisons have been drawn to Snow White’s escape route from the Huntsman, The White Witch’s Narnian forest, and that lovely spot where Voldemort drank a unicorn’s blood. But perhaps we should simply admit that "a cold day in hell" has finally arrived. 

The holiday in question, in case you were checking your calendars, is Christmas, which in Melania Trump’s mind apparently conjures up the naked terror of running through a dark forest, alone, pursued by wraithlike shadows and the grasping claws of brittle, dead branches, the only sound the cackling of the ancient witch who will grant your wish to be rich and famous with a designer wardrobe and a gold-plated toilet … for a price.―Katie Rife

The Trump White House, with Melania Antoinette watching ballerinas dance, is remarkably Stepford-Wife-ish. But at least she casts a shadow, however ghostly!

"Photos were released yesterday of first lady Melania Trump decorating the White House for the holidays, though I'm not sure a rope ladder counts as a decoration."―Seth Meyers

Fabulous news for the Trump administration! According to DailyKos, "tens" attended the Trump national Christmas tree lighting ceremony! (That's not "tens" as in famous supermodels, but as in small groups of white supremacists who fervidly dream of "all-white" Christmases.)―Michael R. Burch

Trump, for once, has kept his word by putting the "Christ" back in Christmas. On a daily basis, he makes 300 million Americans gasp and say "Jesus Christ, what the hell is Trump doing now?"
―Michael R. Burch

These are clearly the end times, and now we understand why the prophets warned us about a "little horn" and the "Trump of Doom."

Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast? This is no joke, because the most expensive single building ever sold in the United States was purchased by the Trump family, at 666 Fifth Avenue, a street that symbolizes money (Mammon). The price was $1.8 billion, which is three more sixes. Another Trump tower at One Journal Square will be 666 feet high with a price tag of $666 million. And still that is just the tip of the 666 iceberg. The founder of the original Trump company died on 6-6-6 and her maiden name may shock you: Elizabeth Christ. You can click the hyperlink to learn more (no annoying ads or requests for money; this is a public service). Yes, it does sound like the plot of a new OMEN movie, but in this case fact really is stranger than fiction. Ironically, evangelical Christian leaders are now lining up to endorse Trump. Have the very elect been deceived, just as the Hebrew prophets predicted thousands of years ago when they warned us to listen for the Trump of Doom? The Antichrist has been prophesied to be a sort of "reverse twin" of Jesus Christ, as if Lucifer became flesh and sought to become the Savior of the world. And Trump has certainly been proclaiming himself as the only possible Savior.

Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation.―Conan O'Brien

More Christmas Goodies (or Baddies)

With Trump at the reins, instead of Santa's Sleigh Ride we now have Satan's Slay Ride.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Our favorite Trump Christmas nicknames: Santa Claws, Satan Claws, Scrooge McTrump,
Grinch McGrump, Old Nick in the Flesh

Our top ten Trump Christmas movies/parodies: It's a Blunderful Life, Blight Christmas, Santa Claws is Coming to Town, Screwed (pun on Scrooged), Nightmare Before During and After Christmas, The Bipolar Express, Gift of the Magus, Spring Time for Twitler (as in springing on helpless victims), Christmas Gory, Bad Santa, Die Hard

Our favorite Trump Christmas songs/parodies:

Grinch-Mas is Coming!

Grinch-mas is coming!
Tycoons are getting fat!
Please put donations
in the Fat Cat's Hat.
If you haven't got a penny
he'll toss you in the stew,
but if you've got ten billion
then may TRUMP bless you!
―Michael R. Burch

SANTA CLAWS is Coming to Town!

SANTA CLAWS is coming to town!
He sees Spics when they're sleeping
and Blacks when they're awake!
He knows that Whites are always good,
but dark skin is God's mistake.
So if you're some poor orphan
with slightly darker skin,
all blacks and Mexicans!
―Michael R. Burch

Trump's Donor Song

(lines written after it became apparent that Trump is not
"draining the swamp" but stocking it with his crocodilian
donors and political piranha)

christmas is coming, the Trumpster's purse is flat:
please put a Billion in the Fat Cat's hat!
if you haven't got a Billion, a Hundred Mil will do.
if you haven't got a Hundred Mil, the yoke's on you!
―Michael R. Burch

Alt-Right White Christmas

Trump's dreaming of a White Christmas,
just like the ones he used to know
when black renters groveled
or lived in hovels
while he laughed and shouted Ho-Ho-Ho!
―Michael R. Burch

Thanksgiving, Predator-Style

It was a very touching scene when Donald Trump—gasping for breath on his political deathbed—begged Sludge Roy Moore to "Win one for the GROPER!"

Ah, so romantic! It was clearly a case of "love at first bite" when two political pod people—each a Preying Mantis—finally connected by entangling antennae while fully engaging masticating mandibles. It was as if creatures from Predator and Alien embraced, shared a slobbery wet kiss, vowed to "true" to one another, then started looking for warm-blooded humans to devour!

Later, Moore Iago & Co. celebrated Thanksgiving by chuckling about all the evangelical turkeys they'd plucked! Playboy Roy Moore was served by 14-year-olds in cute cowgirl costumes with ultra-short, tight skirts. Dining in pontific splendor at Mire-a-Lago, in between nibbles of succulent white breasts, the American Iago tweeted out the joyful news that the Messiah has indeed returned, in the form of The Donald Himself!

Trump says we don't need another liberal in the Senate. What we really need is another alpha male sexual predator with octopus-like tentacles, like Trump! Someone who's a Gliberal and Fiberal, like Trump!

Ask not what you can do for your country, ask how your daughters can service Moore Trump & Co.

Ivanka Trump said there's a special place in hell for people who prey on children. But then her father told Alabamans to vote for Roy "Score" Moore. Does that make our president the Devil, his Beast, or just an especially perverse Hellfire Imp?

Jeff Flake says that he would wouldn't vote for the Incredible Sincredible Roy Moore.

Q: Why did Trump endorse Roy Moore?
A: Sexual predators of a feather flock together.

Here are Donald Trump jokes by comedians like Samantha Bee, Lewis Black, Louis C.K., Michael Che, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson, Will Ferrell, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Bill Maher, Seth Meyers, Trevor Noah, Conan O'Brien, John Oliver, Chris Rock, Amy Shumer, Sarah Silverman and Jon Stewart. We also have quips and quotes by celebrities like Glenn Beck, Joe Biden, Cher, Hillary Clinton, Mark Cuban, Snoop Dogg, Van Jones, Rachel Maddow, Barack Obama, Dan Rather and Howard Stern. Plus we have "top ten" lists of puns, poems, limericks, tweets, memes, quotations, insults, nicknames, hashtags, campaign slogans and promises, coinages, etc.

Top Ten Donald Trump Jokes

Donald Trump is giving narcissism a bad name.―Madeline Begun Kane aka Mad Kane

There are schizophrenics with Tourette's who have more control over what comes out of their mouths than Donald Trump.―Bill Maher

Donald Trump is "the kind of person who goes to the Super Bowl and thinks the people in the huddle are talking about him."―Eric Schneiderman

Donald Trump likes to say he's a friend to "the blacks." Unless the Blacks are a family of white people, I'm guessing he's mistaken.―Seth Meyers

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life: a President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a$$hole!―Lewis Black

In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Donald Trump said, "I believe in God." But of course The Donald was talking about HIMSELF.―Jay Leno

Maybe he should ease into this ... by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men.―Jimmy Kimmel

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: he never apologizes; he's never wrong no matter what crazy thing he says. He's the white Kanye.―Bill Maher

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.―Craig Ferguson

Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he's sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that!―David Letterman

To see how Trump fulfills Biblical prophecies, just click the hyperlink.

Bonus Tracks

Trump will declare North Korea a state sponsor of terror.―New York Post
North Korea will declare Trump a pate tonsure of error.―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump: a man with all the charm of a turd that won't flush.―Russell Howard

Say what you will about Trump, he is not stupid. He is a smart man with a deep understanding of what stupid people want.―Andy Borowitz

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.—Jon Stewart

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.—Albert Einstein, explaining why he couldn't hold a candle to Trump in the "idea" department

Trump has a better relationship with Tiffany than he does to facts.—Trevor Noah

Obviously, Trump didn't invent racism. If he had, it would have gone bankrupt years ago.—Samantha Bee

Only in America could a man whose staff took away his Twitter account be given the nuclear codes.―Graydon Carter

Trump is taking us from unprecedented to unpresidented.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Maybe Trump meeting with crazy dictators isn't such a bad thing. We finally have a president who speaks fluent maniac.―Michael Che on SNL's Weekend Update

Trump supporters continue to stand by their sham.―Michael R. Burch

Repealing DACA in order to MAGA is a load of CACA.―Stephen Colbert 

You know what I love? A famous guy that will take me furniture shopping and just straight up grab my p***y.—Amy Schumer

Is it possible that we've all been groped by Donald J. Trump, but just didn't feel it because of his tiny baby hands?—Stephen Colbert

Trump is so divorced from the Truth, he should pay it alimony.―Elizabeth Harris Burch aka @Ladydragyn

If the guy was running Dairy Queen, he’d be gone. This guy couldn’t work at The Gap. So why do we have to be victimized by his fecklessness, his ignorance? ... Let’s just stop whining about what a goon he is and figure out a way to take him aside and put him in a home.―David Letterman

Kathy Griffin has finally come to her senses! She now says that she doesn't regret her decapitated Trump photo. And let's be honest ... isn't decapitating Trump a guilty fantasy that we all secretly share?―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Putin' It All Together

Russia is certainly Putin' on the Ritz, as vodka glasses tinkle celebrations in the Kremlin! It is certainly much easier (and far less expensive) to destroy the United States from within, than to face its formidable military! Donald Trump (aka Comrade Trumputin) has wildly exceeded all expectations. Even Mr. Putin never dreamed that the Brooklyn Bolshevik could bring down the once-mighty USA this quickly!

Q: What do you call it when the Kremlin, Trump Tower and white nationalists unite?
A: Putin' on the Ritz Cracker.

Trump's heart and sole tweet: he urges his Twitter followers to "heel and be stronger than ever before." Now the alt-right has a new rallying cry: "Heil Heeler!"―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" #HeilHeeler

The Best Donald Trump Russia Jokes

Donald Trump crowned Vladimir Putin's girlfriend Miss Universe in 2002. What are the odds? Was it payback for loads of dirty laundry washed clean by Putin's rubles?

Trump whitens and brightens his money the old-fashioned way. He launders it.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Let's hope Steve Bannon is as smart as he thinks he is. After his firing/resignation/ouster/whatever, Darth Bannon told the Weekly Standard that the Trump presidency is "over" without him. It was like Darth Vader saying, "Luke, I am no longer your Father and I want the key to the Death Star back!"―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

C'mon folks, please be fair! To call Trump a "lame duck" is an insult to handicapped waterfowl everywhere!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

A recent poll indicates that 36% of Republicans still approve of Trump. In related news, scientists have just confirmed that 36% of Republicans are deaf, blind and very, very dumb!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Stop obsessing over who is taking the knee. Ex-Trump advisor Carter Page has just taken the Fifth.―@GeorgeTakei (aka Mr. Sulu)

If you're sitting on a roof in Texas right now, please take comfort in knowing your president won Missouri. By a lot.―@stonekettle

Hurricane Donald was the third category 5 storm to hit Puerto Rico. The Donald was quick to remind hurricane-battered Puerto Ricans that his Wall Street friends (i.e., his donors) must be repaid. It's so nice to know that the world's most powerful man has his priorities in order! Trump tweeted: "Much of the Island was destroyed, with billions of dollars owed to Wall Street and the banks, which, sadly, must be dealt with." Yes, never mind the deaths, the orphans, the homeless. What really matters is that hedge fund managers and bankers get nice, fat paychecks!

"I have no reaction. The mayor's living on a cot, and I hope the President has a good day of golf." This was the response of Russel L. Honoré, the retired general appointed by Bush to take over the federal response to Katrina in 2005. (We think this one is especially worth copying and pasting, sharing and tweeting.)


Carmen Yulín Cruz is a hero.
Trump is a zero.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump is a pampered white millionaire who can say and do anything he likes, including grabbing women's genitals without their permission. And yet The Donald claims it is "wrong" for black millionaires to kneel to express their dissatisfaction with white tyrants like Himself. Is there, perhaps, something wrong with this picture? Black men who merely kneel to protest injustice are SOBs. White men with semiautomatic weapons who march with skinheads, Nazis and the KKK are "fine" people and it's wrong for anyone oppose them. Isn't that how Hitler and his goons got started?

Trump called for a boycott of the NFL, then immediately broke the boycott by watching the Cowboys play the Cardinals (because he tweeted about watching the game).

White House lawyer Ty Cobb claimed that "it would be truly shocking" if Paul Manafort had "tried to monetize his relationship with the president." But why would that be so shocking, when Trump himself has blatantly monetized the presidency?

If the guy was running Dairy Queen, he’d be gone. This guy couldn’t work at The Gap. So why do we have to be victimized by his fecklessness, his ignorance? ... Let’s just stop whining about what a goon he is and figure out a way to take him aside and put him in a home.―David Letterman

Ya gotta give Trump props for his remarkable consistency. He always says the worst possible thing at the worst possible time!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Once again, Trump has done the impossible. He turned a tough-as-nails Marine general into a serial face palmer during his U.N. speech.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Kathy Griffin has finally come to her senses! She now says that she doesn't regret her decapitated Trump photo. And let's be honest ... isn't decapitating Trump a guilty fantasy that we all secretly share?―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Green Eggs and Spam
by Michael R. Burch

I do not like your racist ways!
I do not like your hate for gays!
I do not like your talking rump!
I do not like you, Mr. Trump!

I do not like you here or there!
I do not like you anywhere!
I do not like your sham wall scam!
I do not like you, Trump, you ham!

I'm not sure the guy who holds fake press conferences, has a fake university, a fake foundation, fake hair, and a fake tan should be the one in charge of deciding what's real.—Seth Meyers

Trump's plan to "crack down" on Wall Street is to move Wall Street into the White House.―Trevor Noah, after Trump hired yet another Goldman Sachs hedge fund manager

Yes, if you can't drain the swamp, why not bring the crocodiles into your living room and let them work on their death rolls? How entertaining!

Only in America could a man whose staff took away his Twitter account be given the nuclear codes.―Graydon Carter

Featured Jokes (and Painful Observations)

A perv, a megalomaniacal fascist, a Russian spy and a con artist enter a bar together. The bartender looks up and asks, "What'll it be, President Trump?"

Trump's position on climate change is "How can there be global warming when it's still so cold in my soul?" — Frankie Boyle

When Trump speaks, he sounds like a WWF wrestler plugging his next big match. — Ron Howard

Trump has the attention span of a gnat on meth.―GOP strategist Rick Wilson

Trump has the intellectual depth of a coat of paint.―Charles M. Blow

Mr. President, since all my success is clearly based on talking about you, if you really want to take me down, there’s an obvious way: Resign!―Stephen Colbert

A president going after someone telling jokes is unprecedented. That would be like Richard Nixon going after Alfred E. Neuman.―Stephen Colbert

Seventy-year-old men don't get less cranky or racist as time goes by ... Unless they happen to be visited by three spirits in the night!―Jon Stewart

Trump Hashtags

#Trump666 #TrumpAntiChrist #MoronDon #Trump #Resist #NotMyPresident #AmeriKKKa #nowalls #equalityforall #equalityadvocate #equality4all #strengthinnumbers #strongertogether #lovetrumpshate

Related pages: The Best Donald Trump Jokes, The Best Donald Trump Jokes Part 2, The Best Donald Trump Jokes Part 3, The Best Donald Trump Puns, The Best Donald Trump Limericks, The Best Donald Trump Nursery Rhymes, The Best Donald Trump Insults, 2016 Republican First Presidential Debate, Is there a Republican War on Women?, The Donald Trump Bible, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Conservatives Who Support Gay Marriage, Donald Trump Nicknames, Ten Reasons to "Fire" Donald Trump, Donald Trump's "Muslim Friends", Where Have All the Birthers Gone?, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Ted Cruz Nicknames, Is Ted Cruz an Anchor Baby?, More Donald Trump Jokes, Is Donald Trump a Fascist?, Donald Trump Trivia, Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast, Is Ted Cruz the Antichrist?, Marco Rubio Nicknames, Is Donald Trump the Antichrist?, Donald Trump Violence Quotes, Trump Trivia, Donald Trump in his Own Words: Fact-Checking Trump, Donald Trump Funny Campaign Slogans and Parodies, Donald Trump Halloween Ideas, The Best and Worst Tweets Ever, Donald Trump Tweets, Donald Trump Nicknames for his Cabinet, Family, Friends, Associates and Supporters, Famous Nicknames, Jared Kushner Nicknames, Judge Roy Moore Nicknames, The Best Donald Trump Russia Jokes

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