The HyperTexts

The Best Donald Trump Jokes
of Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"


Q: What do you call it when a Man-Baby takes over the American government?
A: Coup d'Tot.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

These are the best Donald Trump jokes, puns, tweets, quips, quotes, nicknames, limericks and poems of Michael R. Burch.

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Trump Shutdown Nicknames: Cave Man (New York Daily News), The Crow-Magnon, The Wall Nut, Proud Shutdown Man (coined by The Donald Himself), Blarney Rubble, Incurious Gorge (Captain Sully Sullenberger), Gutless Incompetent Lazy Lying Lunatic Wimp (Ann Coulter)

Trump coronavirus jokes appear at the top of the second section, to make them easy to find.

The Top Ten Donald Trump Jokes of Michael R. Burch

Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Americans have been mishearing The Donald: what he actually said is that he will make America grate again, after which many of them will migrate again.―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump has filed so many bankruptcies that his children have receding heir lines.―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump accused Huma Abedin of sharing state secrets with her husband. I think Trump clearly lacks a sense of Huma.— Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump threatened that if the GOP doesn't treat him fairly, he will resurrect the Whig party and run as its hair apparent.―Michael R. Burch

Putin' It All Together

Q: What do you call it when the Kremlin, Trump Tower and white nationalists unite?
A: Putin' on the Ritz Cracker.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

If Trump has a movement behind him, a bowel must be involved.―Michael R. Burch

These are clearly the end times, and now we know why the prophets warned us about the Trump of Doom.―Michael R. Burch

The day Trump allowed the Nunes memo to be published, the stock market crashed 666 points. The federal budget deficit for Trump's first fiscal year was 666 billion dollars. The founder of the Trump family business died on 6-6-6. The Trump family controls 666 Fifth Avenue, a street that symbolizes money (Mammon). Trump was born on a blood moon. And that's just the tip of the Antichrist iceberg! (For more eerie connections, please click Trump 666)

Evangelicals love Trump. Sure he's a liar, but he's their liar. Sure he's a sexual predator, but he's their sexual predator. Sure he's the opposite of Jesus Christ in every imaginable way, but he's their Antichrist.―Michael R. Burch

To see how Trump fulfills Biblical prophecies, please click the hyperlink.

Oh Hell, Make it the Top Twenty-Five Donald Trump Jokes of Michael R. Burch

Trump is taking us from unprecedented to unpresidented.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

It's not true that Trump tested negative for coronavirus; what he failed was an IQ test.―Michael R. Burch

Thanks to Trump's handling mishandling of the coronavirus pandemic, the United States has been placed on its highest-ever state of alert: DEAF CON 1.―Michael R. Burch

Trump and the GOP have gone from Serial Shillers to Serial Killers with their lethal lies about the coronavirus pandemic.―Michael R. Burch

Trump has been leading  from behind while talking out his A$$.―Michael R. Burch

Trump has Americans playing a deadly game of Follow the Pleader.―Michael R. Burch

Big Rocket Man: No one had ever thought of rockets before Trump. He knew about rockets before anyone else. And he knows more about rockets than rocket scientists, who are amazed at how much he knows. It must be a natural gift! Rockets are amazing and beautiful, even when they kill people (which is nothing to worry about, because more people die from the flu). Trump will claim all the credit for everyone saved by rockets, theoretically, while accepting absolutely no responsibility for anyone who actually dies if he fails to protect the nation from incoming missiles, because that's what a Great Leader like Trump does.―Michael R. Burch

Shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods? Ron Paul, a former Republican Presidential candidate, recently wrote an article in which he called the coronavirus pandemic a "big hoax." That might come as a surprise to his son, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, who just tested positive for the coronavirus. After years of pandering to a conman, Republicans finally have a reality check they can't ignore. Ironically, Rand Paul was the was the only senator to vote against a bipartisan deal to provide $8 billion in emergency coronavirus funding earlier this month.

Vultures of a feather, flocking together? Republican senators Richard Burr and Kelly Loeffler sat together during the Senate impeachment trial. After being briefed by medical experts on the very real dangers of the coronavirus, they pooh-poohed the risk to the public while selling millions of dollars worth of stocks. They presumably laughed all the way to the bank with the money they saved, but how many lives could have been saved if they had told the public the truth?―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Who should we trust: the WHO's scientists or Trump's wildly inconsistent gut? In a phone call with Sean Hannity, Trump said he had a "hunch" the World Health Organization's estimated 3.4 percent death rate for coronavirus infections is a "false number." But when cases were reported at his beloved Mar-a-Lago, Trump suddenly changed his tune and finally called it what it is: a pandemic.―Michael R. Burch

Mar-a-Lago is now officially a "gilded petri dish for a global disease."―Politco

After coming in contact with Viral Donald, senators Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, Rick Scott and Matt Gaetz have wisely announced plans to self-quarantine.―Michael R. Burch

Trump is the Moron-a-virus infecting the White House. Ditzy Donald said he didn't know that people died from the flu. His grandfather died from the flu! Now this six-times-bankrupted real estate salesman who claims he's "smarter" than scientists and medical experts is managing the coronavirus pandemic, which he's called "fake news" and a "Democratic hoax." In the past Trump advocated nuking hurricanes, waterbombing Notre Dame Cathedral, denying charity to sharks, tilting at windmills, and raking forest "floors" to combat wildfires. What could possibly go wrong?―Michael R. Burch

Trump is now officially Mr. Perfect, since he told reporters that he would rate his administration’s response to the coronavirus a perfect ten, on a scale of one to ten. Trump takes all the credit for anything positive and none of the blame for anything negative, so he is, in effect, saying that he's perfect.―Michael R. Burch

Senator Ron Johnson (R-WI) has words of comfort for Americans. Johnson very helpfully pointed out that that "no more than 3.4 percent of our population" is in danger of dying from the coronavirus. Armed with this data, Johnson wants Americans to put things in the proper "perspective." With a population of 331 million, this means we face "only" 11.25 million deaths. We only have to worry about 3 to 4 people out of every hundred we know dying, on average. And if others end up on ventilators or otherwise incapacitated, well some of us will still be able to breathe on our own. So toughen up, Americans, and get some "perspective" thanks to Ron Johnson!―Michael R. Burch

Bill Clinton tried to keep his affairs private. Donald Trump makes his privates an international affair.―Michael R. Burch

The Donald trumpets that the news is "all Trump, all the time." That's true, but only because catastrophes invariably dominate the headlines.―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump has "many stats." But the only ones he believes are Putin's.―Michael R. Burch

The White House reported that Trump is the victim of "malicious leaks." Apparently, Russian hookers have been peeing on him again.―Michael R. Burch

C'mon folks, please be fair! To call Trump a "lame duck" is an insult to handicapped waterfowl everywhere!―Michael R. Burch

Trump is NOT a flip-flopper! He's simply a man without positions, morals or a clue.―Michael R. Burch

Trump's female supporters continue to stand by their sham.―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump just announced the first immigrants to be deported: Lady Liberty, a French import, along with her huddled masses yearning to be free.―Michael R. Burch

Trump has always been a bully. Now he has the world's biggest bully pulpit.―Michael R. Burch

Nasty women are on the march, everywhere. Poor Tweety! It must be wike wooking awound to weawize he's suwwounded by wegions of dwastardly Swylvesters!―Michael R. Burch

American women are Stuporman's kryptonite.―Michael R. Burch

In addition to her emails, federal investigators should examine Ivanka's feemails.―Michael R. Burch

It is FAKE NEWS that Donald Trump has no experience in foreign affairs. Hell, two of his foreign affairs resulted in marriages!―Michael R. Burch

It is FAKE NEWS that Trump is not a history expert. You just have to spell it correctly: "his story."—Michael R. Burch

At least Trump pulls out when he promises to. If only his father had done the same!―Michael R. Burch

Trump has the amazing ability to make Tricky Dick Nixon seem virtuous and Shrub Junior wise.―Michael R. Burch

Trump has the face that launched a thousand shocks.―Michael R. Burch

Thanks to The Donald we now live in the days of whine and poses.—Michael R. Burch

C'm'on lefties! Admit that Trump has been very tough on China! He has been especially tough on Chinese kids who slave away in sweatboxes, making his menswear! He has also been incredibly tough on Hispanic and Muslim kids!―Michael R. Burch

Trump has a cute new nickname for immigrant children: "bargaining chips."—Michael R. Burch

Trump has no problem putting babies on ICE.—Michael R. Burch

Beware, the vICEman cometh!—Michael R. Burch

Trump's new campaign song is ICE ICE Baby.

Mr. Art of the Deal admits he's been using immigrant children as a negotiating tool, which makes him the tool of the Devil. And we'd expect the spawn of the Father of Lies to spawn lies on a daily basis, which Trump does, further confirming his dark heritage.―Michael R. Burch

Fascists of a Feather

Donald Trump and Benito Mussolini have many things in common ... not the least of which is that they appear to be identical twins! The resemblance is uncanny. Is Donald Trump the reincarnation of the fascist Benito Mussolini? And there are many other striking parallels besides their looks, as we will see together.

Fascists of a feather
flock together.
—Michael R. Burch

Will the fascist Donald Trump follow in the footsteps of Benito Mussolini, destroying the United States the way Mussolini once destroyed Italy? Benito Mussolini was once Hitler's yes-man. Donald Trump is now Putin's yes-man. What happens when nations start doing the bidding of fascists like Hitler and Putin? History suggests that subservient nations also become fascist, with citizens losing their individual freedom and most basic rights in the process.



The first striking parallel is that Mussolini and Trump appear to be identical twins, if not the same person (evidence of reincarnation, perhaps?) Please keep in mind that Trump's wispy forelock is entirely artificial. He would be as bald as Mussolini if not for cosmetic surgery ...



If we picture Trump without that bit of fluff surgically attached to his scalp, the resemblance is astonishing ... they both look like doltish apes!



The second amazing parallel is their nicknames: Il Duce and Ill Douche!



Trump "love" is such a curious thing ...
does he love our kids half as much as bling?
—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Donald Trump Puns and Word Play by Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

A pun is a play on words, for purposes of humor and/or making a sharp point. A rather obvious pun is that The Donald "trumped" Jeb Bush and other presidential candidates by "trumpeting" his own accomplishments. But there are other more subtle puns: for instance, comparisons of Trump's "wig" to his "Whig"-like politics. (The Whig party was infiltrated by racist, anti-immigration white supremacists known as "know-nothings" and eventually disintegrated.) A good pun can be simultaneously funny, thought-provoking, and enlightening. For instance, SNL's Drunk Uncle, professing to admire Donald Trump, gushed: "He's gonna make America grapes again!" Obviously "grapes" is a pun on "great." But what does the pun mean? Perhaps the punster is punning on the "grapes of wrath" of the Civil War, which was fought over racism. And so, while the Drunk Uncle seems to be a "fan" of Trump, through irony the pun's creator may be suggesting that we need to think about who Trump is, what he stands for, and what may happen if we elect him president. Do we really want a racist know-nothing in the White House, heading our government and military? (Since I wrote this intro, Trump has been elected president, so we are now finding out, with disastrous results.―Michael R. Burch)

Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte says female rebels should be shot in the genitals to render them "useless.'' In related news, President Pussygrabber volunteered to "snatch" the women while Duterte "cocks" and shoots.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

With his "national emergency" did Trump finally passed his Rube-i-Con?―Michael R. Burch

Q: What is Donald Trump's favorite beverage?
A: Mueller Lite, served by his personal Barr-tender.
―Michael R. Burch

According to Republicans, Mueller Lite "tastes great." According to Dems it's "less filling" due to "less filing."―Michael R. Burch

The Mueller Report has been renamed the Barr[ed] Report.―Michael R. Burch

Barr that bromance! GOP senators are promising that Attorney General nominee William Barr won't touch Robert Mueller's probe!―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump, Paul Manafort, Roger Stone and Michael Cohen were partners in grime.—Michael R. Burch

Paul Manafort's name is prophetic. He will soon man a fort (a stockade known as a "federal prison").—Michael R. Burch

To reboot American democracy the key stroke is ALT-RIGHT-DELETE.―Michael R. Burch

It was a very touching scene when Donald Trump—gasping for breath on his political deathbed—begged Sludge Roy Moore to "Win one for the GROPER!"

Trump has more flip-flops than spring break on a Florida beach.―Michael R. Burch

Call Brett Kavanaugh the "hanging judge" since he apparently goes around dangling his participle.—Michael R. Burch

Brett Kavanaugh is a real card! He's the "get out of jail FREE card" in Trump's version of Monopoly.—Michael R. Burch

Forget Waldo, where's Wall Dough?―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump is guilty of high crimes and his demeanor.―Michael R. Burch

I was shocked but not surprised by the revelation that the FBI had launched a counterintelligence investigation of Trump. It seems obvious that Putin's wish is Trump's command. My only question is whether Trump is a witting, unwitting or witless agent of Russia.―Michael R. Burch

Trump wants to build border walls and shut down immigration of people with darker skin. Beware, the ICE man cometh!―Michael R. Burch

Trump has a new plan to plan to advance his "agenda." He will rally his troupe around the troops.―Michael R. Burch

Q: What do you call a female member of Congress with a smart phone, if she's a Republican who plays into Putin's hands by shielding Trump from justice?
A:  An app-a-rat-chick.

Donald Trump Russia Jokes

Donald Trump crowned Vladimir Putin's girlfriend Miss Universe in 2002. What are the odds? Was it payback for loads of dirty laundry washed clean by Putin's rubles?

Trump whitens and brightens his money the old-fashioned way. He launders it.―Michael R. Burch

Let's hope Steve Bannon is as smart as he thinks he is. After his firing/resignation/ouster/whatever, Darth Bannon told the Weekly Standard that the Trump presidency is "over" without him. It was like Darth Vader saying, "Luke, I am no longer your Father and I want the key to the Death Star back!"―Michael R. Burch

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Signs of the British Resistance ... Diaper Don receives a proper British welcome ...

Oh, what tangled webs they weave
when Trump and his toupée seek to deceive!
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Q: Why is Donald Trump terrified of sharks?
A: Because he's a whale, duh!
—Michael R. Burch

According to porn star Stormy Daniels, Donald Trump watched Shark Week obsessively and was "riveted" and "terrified" by sharks. Daniels quoted the Great White Snark saying: "I would never donate to any charity that helps sharks! I hope all the sharks die!" Her account rings true, because who could make up something so bizarre? Furthermore, Trump confirmed Daniels' account when in 2013 he tweeted about his hatred of sharks: "Sharks are last on my list—other than perhaps the losers and haters of the World!" We know how Trump hates all those dark-skinned losers and haters in shithole countries. So he must really, really hate sharks with a passion!

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Trump State of the Union (or Disunion) Address

For any other president, this hearing would be the most humiliating and damning day of their lives; for Trump it's just Wednesday.—SNL's Kenan Thompson

In the joke above, Keenan Thompson was portraying Elijah Cummings as he presided over Michael Cohen's public hearing before the House Oversight Committee. The joke makes a very good point: What would Republicans have done if Barack Obama had been accused of one-tenth the things Trump has been accused of? Obviously, they would have been screaming for impeachment.

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Nancy Pelosi's "seal" of disapproval was the highlight of Trump's lie-filled, self-glorifying State of the Union Address. The Pelosi clap-back came in a meme-able moment after Trump whined about "the politics of revenge" even as he wallowed in it. Pelosi was immediately crowned the "Queen of Condescending Applause" for her jeer clap. Patton Oswalt congratulated her for inventing an obscenity without resorting to a certain finger.

After Trump delivered his State of the Disunion crap,
Pelosi delivered her Shade of the Union clap.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

What does Nancy Pelosi think of the president, really? Word leaked out that she called the wall debate "a manhood thing" for Trump, likening their meeting to "a tinkle contest with a skunk" and explaining "I was just trying to be the mom."

Fact-checkers were able to verify only one Trump assertion: He can indeed take partial credit for so many women getting elected to Congress!

Trump's State of the Disunion speech was a prime grime event. Sadly, it was missing some of its major stars. Still, "everybody who was anybody who was not indicted was there,” as Stephen Colbert observed.

The Joke's on US

The joke's on US (the United States) if we ever believed Trump was going to build an "impenetrable" wall that Mexico would pay for. Here's proof positive ...



... I call it the Trump Drug Teller Window Wall. Now anyone who wants to sell drugs at the border can grab a cheap saw, hack out an easy access window, and be immediately open for business! Or the packages can simply be slipped through the gaps between the slats, along with money and weapons. Anyone who thinks this Waffle Wall is going to stop people from buying or selling drugs has serious gullibility issues. Trump's steel slat fence can easily be sliced and diced with an inexpensive saw purchased at Home Depot. Like his fraudulent "charity" and his fraudulent "university," Trump's wall is a fraud, whatever the hell he calls it.

Donald Trump is walled in
by his wall din.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

After his retirement as Trump's chief of staff, General John F. Kelly was asked what he thought about Trump being "proud" to shut down the federal government over his wall. “To be honest, it’s not a wall,” the forthright Kelly replied.

"This is a cave, not a wall!"―Michael R. Burch

A wall by any other name would be as tweet.―Michael R. Burch

A wall by any other name would be as incomplete.―Michael R. Burch

But there is some good news. Trump has finally found a truly impenetrable wall. Her name is Nancy Pelosi.

After the public spanking Trump took from Nancy Pelosi, his next book will be titled The Art of the Kneel, the Squeal and the Plaintive Appeal.―Michael R. Burch

First Trump promised us a towering concrete wall that Mexico would pay for in pesos, so that cost was no object. Then it was a see-through fence with steel slats that the military would pay for. Next it was a bit of artistic latticework that the Democrats should pay for. Finally, it was "a gentle garden trellis" according to Ann Coulter. During his Oval Office speech, Trump said the wall will pay for the wall. Now, since his own party doesn't believe anything he says, it's a "border barrier" bead curtain that no one is willing to pay for. Tomorrow it will be an insubstantial vanishing mist that Trump will no doubt equate with the parting of the Red Sea.―Michael R. Burch

Call him the Wall Nut since Trump seems to have a fetish for imaginary walls. For instance, in defense of his nonexistent wall, Trump tweeted: "President and Mrs. Obama built/has [sic] a ten foot Wall around their D.C. mansion/compound." Trump’s assertion came as a surprise to two neighbors of the Obamas who told The Washington Post there is no such wall. A longtime resident of the area said Trump “has a very active imagination.”

Like the Grinch he is, Trump was "proud" to shut down Whoville the American government, as Christmas neared. But shouldn't he be shutting down the Mexican government, since he vowed Mexico would pay for his wall?

Trump is putting the X back in Xmas by X-ing out refugee children and their mothers. If baby Jesus and Mary showed up needing shelter, Trump wouldn't provide them with even a lowly manger. Instead, he'd order American soldiers to drive them back into the wilderness at gunpoint. Meanwhile, this is what the eerie Trump festivities looked like the last two years: Trump Christmas.

The Best Donald Trump Joke of All Time is True!

Donald Trump has a much bigger problem than Robert Mueller or James Mattis or even Mr. Putin, because this time he's pissed off people with real power! And witches do not want to be associated with The Donald! “To have him compare his situation to the worst period in our history is just infuriating,” Kitty Randall told the Daily Beast, referring to Trump's claim that he's the victim of witch hunts. Some witches — including a coven in Brooklyn — have taken to casting spells on the commander-in-chief. But most sorcerers are still biding their time, according to Randall.

Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper

Sarah "Suckmypee" Sanders explains away Trump's "executive time" as his need for a "more creative environment." All those golf vacations are like a kindergartner's recess! Watching TV for hours on end is like Sesame Street! Shutting down the government for a month is like time out!―Michael R. Burch



The picture above―the earliest known image of The Donald―is evidence that he was suckled in Emperor Palpatine’s romper room.

Is Trump smarter than a fifth-grader? Here are the top ten reasons to suspect not ...

(10) covfefe
(9) hamberers
(8) Trump complained bitterly about a nonexistent "tapp" on his phones. Placed there, no doubt, by dastardly tapp dancers!
(7) "I accomplished the military." Or how about the fact that, thanks to Trump, we now have "very little ISIS." Trump's command of the English language is big, beautiful, powerful, incredible, amazing, strong, great, the best, tremendous, terrific, unbelievable, classy, smart, tough, brilliant, fabulous, fantastic, so good! And he never exaggerates, believe me!
(6) At the National Prayer Breakfast, Trump said people of faith had led the "abolition of civil rights."
(5) Trump tweeted that Ted Cruz would "loose" big to Hillary Clinton. In a single tweet he confused "there" with "their" and "to" with "too."
(4) Trump tweeted that he is "honered" to serve the American people. So far he has served them a government shutdown, upwards of 10,000 lies, healthy doses of collusion, and lots of taxpayer-financed presidential golf excursions.
(3) Trump misspelled "hereby" twice: first typing "hear by" then "correcting" himself with "hearby." That's a lot of "hears" from someone who refuses to listen!
(2) Trump tweeted that the country needed to "heel" its divisions. Which he is doing with his racist dog whistling!
(1) Trump promised to "promote the possibility of lasting peach" between Israelis and Palestinians. Which he is doing, by always making the Israeli side seem peachy-keen. For instance, when Ivanka posed for photo-ops outside the new Jerusalem embassy while Israeli snipers were gunning down Palestinian protesters.

After Trump bought every "hamberder" in sight and the Clemson football team quickly scarfed them down, Burger King regretfully informed fans of the new fast food fad that "Due to a large order placed yesterday, we're all out of hamberders, just serving hamburgers today." If you're lucky enough to find a #hamberder please be sure to wash it down with a nice #malk or, better yet, #covfefe. Or you can roll your own with some #Hamberder Helper (c).

Trump later announced that he was going to make those horrible Hispanics at Taco Bell pay for the hamberders!

Fact checkers quickly crunched the numbers and determined that 700 of the reported 1,000 hamberders were unaccounted for. Theories ranged from Trump not being smarter than a fifth-grader to his having eaten 700 hamberders on the way back from the local Berder King. Liberals were understandably concerned that this is a new Putin plot to destroy the American way of life. According to the failing New York Times, Robert Mueller is launching a new probe and indictments are expected in "short order."―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

Thanks to Mitch Muck-Con-Hell, federal workers and subcontractors were forced to eat pork-n-beans rather than hamberders for more than a month.―Michael R. Burch

Golden Oldies but Goodies

Donald Trump's cheating at golf is par for the course.

Q: How many comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Hey, no fair, that's a trick question! There are no comedians with free hands because they're all holding their mikes, making millions by mocking Trump!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Donald.
Donald who?
Donald, duck!
(Nuclear explosions in the background.)

Corny, but True

Q: Where does Trump shop?
A: At Wall Mart.

Q: How does Trump pay?
A: With his Wall-et. 

Q: How does Trump deliver the goods?
A: He doesn't.

Q: What is Trump's favorite song?
A: "I Am the Wall-rus-sian"

A Harvey Wallbanger combines an orange-hued Screwdriver with an Italian liqueur, Galliano. 
A Hardly Wallbanger combines an orange-hued Screwloose driver with an Italian asslicker, Giuliani.
—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

Swimming Upstream

From time to time Trump manages to do the impossible. For instance, he released a campaign video that was too racist even for Fox News!

One of my Christmas gifts was a prophetic t-shirt that says: "Elect a clown, expect a circus."―Michael R. Burch

Trump accusing Michael Cohen of lying is like a spitting cobra criticizing a bulldog for drooling. Whose saliva is lethal?―Michael R. Burch

Just when you think Trump can't sink any lower, he does. He actually called it "phony" to walk a dog! But at least he's an equal opportunity animal hater: Trump is the first president not to have pets of any kind. And dogs have the good sense not to like him. Trump's first wife, Ivana, said that her poodle Chappy had an "equal dislike" for Trump and would bark at him when he got too close.

HEAD-LINES

"HEAD"-LINE: After Pittsburgh synagogue massacre, Calamity Mane anguishes about having "a bad hair day" then consoles "At least you know it's mine!"
"HEAD"-LINE: Trump has another bad hair day, flees Paris Peace Forum, meets in private with Mr. Putin to plot Armageddon.
"HEAD"-LINE: Trump worrying about rain messing up his hair is like the Elephant Man worrying sugar might give him zits.
"HEAD"-LINE: Zombies invade White House, find nothing to eat.
"HEAD"-LINE: Trump worried about Pecker leaking.

The Art of the Trumpism: Properly Interpreting Trump

"America first" means "America worst."
"Make America great again" is a misspelling; it should be "grate."
"National Defense" means highly offensive offense.
"Civil Rights" means uncivil slights.

Tom Swifties (also known as Wellerisms)

"What the hell is that woman up to now?" cried Donald stormily.―Michael R. Burch
"The Iran deal is dead," Donald hissed cryptically.―Michael R. Burch
The Donald gushed, "I just love golden showers!"―Michael R. Burch
"Yes, Howard, you can call my daughter a piece of ass," Donald approved sternly.―Michael R. Burch
"My sex organ is YUGE," Donald crowed cockily.―Michael R. Burch
"I just love to toot my own horn!" The Donald trumpeted.―Michael R. Burch
"All that glitters is gold!" The Donald glowed.―Michael R. Burch
"Who left the seat of my golden toilet down?" Donald asked peevishly.―a new take on a golden oldie
"Stormy, watch what you're doing with that paddle!" cried Donald, awestruck.―a new take on a golden oldie
"There are no bats in my belfry," said Donald loftily.―Michael R. Burch

Trump turned down General James Mattis's offer to remain as Secretary of Defense long enough to ensure a smooth transition by summarily firing him. Trump then tweeted that he was "fixing" the American military. Apparently he meant "fixing" as in emasculating and neutering.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

As reported by Rachel Maddow, people donating money to the Trump campaign to "build the wall" are actually paying to build a wall of very expensive lawyers for Jared Kushner.

Trump identified himself as the Shutdown Table-Setter, explaining: "By having the shutdown, we've set the table beautifully! If I didn't do the shutdown, people wouldn't know anything about the subject. Now they understand the subject." Trump sounds like a hostage-taker making damn sure a family understands that if they don't fork over YUGE sums of money, they'll never see their kids again. Trump has upped the ante by holding millions of federal workers, subcontractors and immigrants hostage. However, professionals don't try to convince their victims that what they're doing is "beautiful."―Michael R. Burch

Where does Donald Trump go during a national emergency? Evidently, he heads straight to the omelet bar of his Mar-a-Lago golf club!

How the mighty have fallen! Trump, Fox News and the GOP are now claiming that 55 miles of porous fencing is somehow "finishing the wall." Ann Coulter called it the "Yellow New Deal," Laura Ingraham called it "stall funding" and Sean Hannity called it a "garbage compromise."

Sometimes there seems to be no way to oppose Trump with humor. For instance, when his administration admits that thousands of children have been ripped from their mothers' breasts, that the separations continue to occur, and that it is too much of a "burden" to even try to correct the problem.

Trump had a real sweetheart of a deal for Americans on Valentine's Day ... replacement of the Constitution with an Imperial Monarchy!

The American founding fathers risked everything, including their lives, to escape the clutches of King George. Now, thanks to spineless Republican senators and congressmen, we are in the imperialist clutches of King Gorge.―Michael R. Burch

Samantha Bee pointed out that the three-week shutdown truce was no bed of roses: "This Valentine's Day, Trump is going to screw every American all at once!" She proved to be prophetic.

Trump Valentines

If you're tall, blonde and pretty,
I'll grab your kitty.

If you're dark-skinned and short,
It's time to deport.

I'll secure your southern border tonight,
as long as you're wearing white!

If you're not
as hot
as my daughter,
beware;
prepare
for the border slaughter!

Donald Trump admitted that he's not a rich man when he said, "This is a very small amount of money we are asking for." But the border wall would cost many times Trump's real net worth, so he must be a pauper. If he were really as rich as he claims, Trump could pay for the wall himself, since he didn't deliver on his daily campaign vows to force Mexico to fund it.

Trump is apparently considering the declaration of a second "national emergency" because SNL has been poking fun at him! This is the "real collusion" according to a Trump tweet in which he called for "retribution." Shades of 1969, when Richard Nixon persuaded CBS to cancel The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour for poking fun at him.

In his latest Pocahontas tweet, Trump made a twisted joke out of the Trail of Tears. For an encore, he will use Holocaust humor in tweets about Barry Sanders and Chuck Schumer.―Michael R. Burch

One pro-Kremlin blogger summed up his government’s interest in the 2016 American presidential election with clarifying bluntness: “Trump will smash America as we know it, we’ve got nothing to lose.”

Rudy Giuliani is the 73-year-old poster child for Trump Derangement Syndrome. First he listened to tapes. Then there were no tapes. Then there were tapes again. Giuliani voluntarily confesses to every possible version of every possible crime, leaving no stone unturned. He is to confession as a nymphomaniac is to sex. Giuliani has already written the epitaph that will adorn his tombstone: "He lied for Trump." But he has an impossible job, because according to Politico his boss is "apoplectic" and "enraged" because Giuliani quoted Trump's admission that the Moscow Tower discussions had continued until election day. Giuliani has the world's most difficult job: making Trump not seem like the treasonous lying sleazeball shyster that we all know he is.―Michael R. Burch

The Trump administration is like a Mafia family, except that no one has the sense to maintain a code of silence. The family's Don is the world's biggest loudmouth, blurting out an average of 100 lies per day, for everyone on the planet to hear. The family's lawyer confesses multiple versions of every possible crime and changes his story every 15 seconds. The family's spokesperson makes everyone's skin crawl. The sons are dolts and the favored daughter married badly. The wise guys are all wearing wires and the feds are taping every conversation. Stay tuned for the riveting conclusion of The Gaud Father.―Michael R. Burch

Trump is the absolute King of Unintentional Comedy. For instance, he brag-tweeted that his approval rating had climbed to 52%. That would be average for anyone else, but stunningly good for him. Alas, that was his disapproval rating! His approval rating remains underwater at 39% and sinking.

The truth hurts. Trump is reportedly furious that his new nanny-in-chief, Mick Mulvaney, once called him a "terrible human being." So just imagine the explosion when Trump learns that Mulvaney also derided his precious border wall, calling Trump's idea "simplistic," "absurd" and "almost childish." But that's what nannies are for: to watch over terrible tykes until they grow up.―Michael R. Burch

It is FAKE NEWS that Donald Trump doesn't have a sense of humor! Want proof? Well, this is incredibly funny: Trump says it should be illegal to make fun of Trump! That's like saying it should be illegal to breathe air. There are some things none of us can help doing.―Michael R. Burch

Who will replace White House Chief of Staff John Kelly? Prospective nannies for Truant Trump include Julie Andrews (Mary Poppins), Emma Thompson (Nanny McPhee), Carol Burnett (Miss Hannigan), Louise Fletcher (Nurse Ratched), Kathy Bates (Annie Wilkes), Hulk Hogan (Mr. Nanny), Arnold Schwarzenegger (Kindergarten Cop), Michael Hordern (Merlin), Ian McKellen (Gandalf), Richard Harris (Albus Dumbledore), Guy Henry (Pius Thicknesse), Alan Rickman (Severus Snape), Robbie Coltrane (Hagrid) and Melania (although she already has her hands full with young Barron). But the chances that anyone can keep the man-baby president from peeing all over the White House remain slim to none, whether by muscle, intimidation or magic.―Michael R. Burch

Trump has made his decision: Mohammed bin Salman may be a murderous bastard, but he's not going to let that stop the US from selling billions in advanced weapons to Saudi Arabia. And we all know how well that policy worked with Saddam Hussein!―Michael R. Burch

Sometimes the best Trump jokes are created by The Donald himself. For instance, Ohio Rep. Tim Ryan called it "an absolute joke" after Trump claimed to have a "magic wand" for manufacturing on the same day GM closed five plants. GM is laying off more than 10% of its North American work force, while increasing production in China and Mexico. The layoffs will have a domino effect, as GM suppliers follow suit. The final figure could be 50,000 layoffs or more. And Trump was a prime factor with his trade wars, tariffs and rolling back of vehicle economy standards, which hurt the sales of smaller American-made cars. Now China and Mexico are the winners and American workers are the losers, thanks to Trump's "magic wand."

Trump has more flip-flops than spring break on a Florida beach. A few days before Christmas, he was back to his original position of being "proud" to own the government shutdown. How many Tiny Tims and Tinas will suffer on both sides of his imaginary wall, thanks to Ebenezer Scrooge McTrump? Trump threatened not to sign any legislation unless it funds “perfect Border Security.” But everyone knows a mega-expensive wall would not come close to providing "perfect border security," since people can sail around it, fly over it, tunnel under it, use ladders to climb over it, or just stroll across the undefended Canadian border. (Although since Trump became president, it's more likely that people will cross the border into Canada.) Trump has apparently given up on an actual wall and will now settle for "artistically designed" see-through steel slats. But a see-through fence is not going to produce "perfect border security," so Trump is once again just dog-whistling "Dixie."―Michael R. Burch

Trump says fake news has to end. I agree. Lock down his Twitter account and slap duct tape over his nasty lying mouth.—Michael R. Burch 

Want to know the real reason Trump loves Kim Jong-un so much? It's because Lil' Kim is the only world leader with smaller hands. And he's the only "head" of state with more comical hair than Trump. What's not to like, when narcissism is the sole measuring rod?—Michael R. Burch

Melania Trump called herself "the most bullied person in the world." Sadly, that's what happens when you marry the world's biggest cyberbully!—Michael R. Burch

Asking Trump to be more civil is like asking a spitting cobra to be less venomous.—Michael R. Burch

Under Trump the United States has become the land of the plea and the home of the knave.—Michael R. Burch

Call Trump the Banana Republican after he threatened to use "law enforcement" to stop votes from being counted in Florida. Joe Scarborough correctly pointed out that Trump is turning the US into a third-world country.

Trump called Stormy Daniels "Horseface" and a "total con" in one of his nastier tweets (which is saying a lot). Stormy had the perfect rejoinder: "Game on, Tiny!" and she also noted his "shortcomings."

Thanks to Trump scientists have finally been able to prove that men with small hands do indeed have small sex organs (and small minds as well).—Michael R. Burch

Trump finally admitted that he's a nationalist. But in his haste to tweet, he left out the word "white."—Michael R. Burch

Ted Cruz is such a funny guy, by which I don't mean humorous. Cruz cracked a joke about the death of Mary Jo Kopechne at Chappaquiddick by saying that when his opponent got in a car with Joe Kennedy, "it may be the first time in history anyone's ever asked a Kennedy to drive!" Once again we see how little women's lives matter to the GOP's alpha males.—Michael R. Burch 

Trump proclaimed a National Day of Prayer. That's like Hugh Hefner calling for a National Day of Celibacy or Ted Bundy taking a short break from serial killing.

White men really are superior, according to a renowned expert! Ann Coulter, commenting on the Kavanaugh rape allegations, insisted that "there has never been a more pacific, less rapey creature than the white male of Western European descent." Coulter might want to crack a history book or two. Has she never heard of the Holocaust, the Trail of Tears, American slavery, the Crusades, the Inquisitions, the ethnic cleansing of the New World, etc.? As Mark Twain once observed, one of the great lies is that the white man is any less savage than the other savages. And, as Yogi Berra put it, "You could look it up."—Michael R. Burch

Prepare for a new form of the "bump and grind"! Trump said he and North Korean serial killer Kim Jong-un "fell in love" because of Kim's undoubtedly flattering "beautiful letters." And this time the bromance will be consummated because a top Pyongyang official just said "f* you" to denuclearization.—Michael R. Burch

Trump put the "ire" in Ireland when he threatened to visit there, but the natives were playing "Ode to Joy" after his trip was canceled.—Michael R. Burch

Trump Space Cadet and Space Force Memes

To insanity and beyond!
We will take you to our leader, if you will take Trump with you!
May the Space Force be with you, because in space no one can hear you lie!
Houston, we have a problem! It should be Space Farce!
On the space ship Lollipop / orbiting nukes are gonna rock!

Trump's legal strategy is sound: the President cannot be indicted because he has work to do! He can grope, rape, murder, lie and collude with impunity, because he's too busy to bother with the law!

GOP = Goosesteppers obeying Putin.

The Trump-inspired NFL anthem policy is the sports equivalent of a shotgun wedding.—Michael R. Burch

Oh really? Was Trump being honest when he claimed that he only hires the best people? It seems more likely that he only hires the worst people, based on what he and his cronies have said about Omarosa ("wacky," "nasty" and a "loser" who was "nothing but problems"), Jeff Sessions ("very weak" and "disgraceful"), Anthony Scaramucci (human Brylcreem who lasted all of ten days), Betsy DeVos ("ditsy"), Michael Cohen ("pathological liar"), Michael Flynn (now a convict), Paul Manafort and Rick Gates (on trial for fraud), Kirstjen Nielson (a "total failure"), Wilbur Ross ("past his prime"), George Papadopoulos ("liar"), Reince Priebus ("leaker"), Sean Spicer (the butt of some of SNL's funniest skits in recent memory), et al.

Trump has the same approach to nuclear treaties and groping women's genitals: "We’re here now, why can't we just do it?"―Michael R. Burch

The new political equation? Vote = Alt-Write-Delete.

It is FAKE NEWS that Trump's foundation is not a legitimate charity! Trump's charity is absolutely fulfilling its prime directive by showering Trump with fame and acclaim, using other people's money! And Trump is so deeply mired in debt that he's a charity case himself, so decorating his golf clubs and buying life-sized pictures of himself is perfectly kosher!

T'gether Trump and Roseanne 're makin' 'Murica grate again, 'specially wit' them thar cute ape jokes!―Michael R. Burch

Better cancel the Nobel Peace Prize celebration. In his letter canceling the Singapore summit, Trump said that only his personal dialogue with Jong-Un matters. The world hanging in the balance is nothing compared to Trump's personal relationships. The world being saved matters not a whit unless Trump is treated nicely. No harsh words, unless Trump is spouting them! There was also a thinly veiled threat that the US can destroy North Korea at Trump's whim. Such diplomacy!―Michael R. Burch

Trump and Roseanne are the ultimate odd couple: the Flag Waver and the Anthem Desecrator.―Michael R. Burch

Q: How do you know that your cabinet is completely batshit crazy?
A: When the most moderate member's nickname is "Mad Dog."
―Michael R. Burch

Golden Oldies but Goodies

Trump's nuttier than a port­a­potty at a peanut festival.—Unknown

Trump's crazier than a sprayed cockroach.—Unknown

What's the difference between God and Donald Trump? God doesn't think he's Donald Trump.—Unknown

Donald Trump getting elected President has already had a positive effect on the economy. Sales of alcohol have never been higher.—Unknown

Food for Thought

Alec Baldwin called Trump the "head writer" of Saturday Night Live because "90 percent" of his Trump impersonation lines are actually direct quotes.

Why doesn't Jimmy Fallon join in the fun more often? He says Trump is "too serious" to joke about!



Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast? This is no joke, because the most expensive single building ever sold in the United States was purchased by the Trump family, at 666 Fifth Avenue, a street that symbolizes money (Mammon). The price was $1.8 billion, which is three more sixes. Another Trump tower at One Journal Square will be 666 feet high with a price tag of $666 million. And still that is just the tip of the 666 iceberg. The founder of the original Trump company died on 6-6-6 and her maiden name may shock you: Elizabeth Christ. You can click the hyperlink to learn more (no annoying ads or requests for money; this is a public service). Yes, it does sound like the plot of a new OMEN movie, but in this case fact really is stranger than fiction. Ironically, evangelical Christian leaders are now lining up to endorse Trump. Have the very elect been deceived, just as the Hebrew prophets predicted thousands of years ago when they warned us to listen for the Trump of Doom? The Antichrist has been prophesied to be a sort of "reverse twin" of Jesus Christ, as if Lucifer became flesh and sought to become the Savior of the world. And Trump has certainly been proclaiming himself as the only possible Savior. For instance, at a campaign rally in Kiawah Island, S.C., the egomaniacal Trump made it clear that he, not God Almighty, is the only possible defender of Christians. Discussing ISIS, Trump said, "Their primary goal is to get to the Vatican. If and when the Vatican is attacked, the pope would only wish and have prayed that Donald Trump would have been elected president." In other words, it is useless for people of faith to pray to God for protection. Christians should pray for Trump to save them. After a terrorist attack in Pakistan on Easter Sunday, Trump tweeted: "Another radical Islamic attack, this time in Pakistan, targeting Christian women & children. At least 67 dead, 400 injured. I alone can solve." No compassion, no condolences, just Trump bragging on Trump. And what arrogance! Who but the Antichrist would claim to be the only possible savior of Christians? Who but the Antichrist would claim to be a Christian while denying the need to ask God for forgiveness? Who but the Antichrist would denigrate Holy Communion by reducing it to a "little cracker" and a "little wine," when these represent the sacred body and blood of Jesus Christ to real Christian believers?

Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation.―Conan O'Brien

Republicans sowed intolerance and in its shadow, Trump sprang up like toxic fungi.
―Charles M. Blow

Currently Rising, Part II

NEWS FLASH: Tie Cobb strikes out, retires, joins the Hall of Shame.―Michael R. Burch

CNN says Sarah "Suckmypee" Sanders has "lost all credibility with the American people." Did she have any to begin with? Hasn't she been lying like a dog since day one?―Michael R. Burch

Scott Pruitt just announced that for the sake of accuracy the EPA is being renamed the Environment Polluters Advisory.―Michael R. Burch

I just love the smell of irony in the morning. The FOSTA anti-prostitution bill requires the signature of Donald J. Trump, whose middle initial stands for "John." Trump's been paying women 10K for sex, then 100K or more to buy their silence about how he procures their services. Our president is his own pimp!―Michael R. Burch

First Trump vowed that Mexico would pay for the wall. Then it was taxpayers. Now Trump is dunning our men and women in uniform. Next on his list is the Girl Scouts, with a YUGE cookie sale.―Michael R. Burch

Vladimir Putin poisoned a Russian intelligence agent. Trump called to congratulate him and get tips on how to take out Robert Mueller.―Michael R. Burch

On November 9, 2016, Vladimir Putin became the first person to have won presidential elections in Russia and the United States.

Trump gives new meaning to the term "March Madness." He's mad as a March hare, he's marching us to disaster, and his hair's insane!―Michael R. Burch

"I won't rule out direct talks with Kim Jong-un. I just won't," Trump said. "As far as the risk of dealing with a madman is concerned, that's his problem, not mine." In a rare blip of honesty Trump just admitted that Jong-un will be dealing with a madman!

The NRA's Wayne LaPierre told CPAC that the right to bear arms "is not bestowed by man, but granted by God to all Americans as our American birthright." That's right: auburn-haired, fair-skinned Rambo-Jesus wants all his disciples packing heat!

Trump claimed not to be afraid of the NRA. But when a student asked if he'd return $30 million in NRA blood money, Trump turned white as a KKK sheet and fainted.―Michael R. Burch 

Have we seen the worst of Trump? Ap-parent-ly not (pardon the pun), since a White House nanny cautioned that "We haven't bottomed out." So expect to see man-baby Trump exposing that YUGE ass in public until he takes a spanking at the polls.―Michael R. Burch

It is clearly FAKE NEWS that Melania was not qualified for an Einstein visa. She is undoubtedly a genius at disrobing, attracting rich, powerful men, and having them provide her every need! She even chain-migrated her parents over. Now she's living in the White House, yet doesn't have to sleep in the same bed with Trump. She gets to amuse herself with little ironic jokes, like saying her "main priority" is to end cyber-bullying when her husband is the world's biggest and nastiest cyber bully. How can anyone possibly deny such staggering genius? We should all bow down to Melania in awe, then buy her self-help books!―Michael R. Burch  

Let's get this straight. Trump attorney Michael Cohen paid porn star Stormy Daniels $130,000 out of the goodness of his heart and his own personal checkbook. But he had to set up a shell companya Delaware LLCto do it. Nothing suspicious about that! And of course Trump wasn't guilty of anything, so it wasn't hush money. Everyone knows that Trump is as faithful as the day is long! If you believe that cockamamie story, I have some political swampland that you will undoubtedly want to purchase at outlandish prices.―Michael R. Burch 

Was Michael Wolff exaggerating about how bad things were in the Trump White House? Not according to Reince Priebus, who held Trump's tiny little hands and burped him on a daily basis. Priebus said we should take anything we heard and multiply it 50 times. And this is from a Republican nanny who says he loves Trump and wishes him well!

Trump says we should "Hire the best and fire the worst." Great idea! Let's start at the top and work our way down! #DumpTrump #CropGOP

The great hair flap is, literally, a hair flap. Oh, what tangled webs Trump weaves when his hair graft practices to deceive!

Signs of the Resistance

Nasty women are snatching back their country from Trump, one march at a time.—Michael R. Burch

Much Ado About a Nothingburger

It is FAKE NEWS that Trump gets no exercise. He gets plenty of exercise chasing porn stars around his bedroom in his tighty whities!—Michael R. Burch

Thanks to Celebrity Apprentice producer Mark Burnett, we don’t have to watch reality shows anymore ... because we’re living in one.―Jimmy Kimmel

More specifically, we are now living in Celebrity Apprentice President.—Michael R. Burch

John Kelly: President Trump's thinking on the wall has evolved.
Donald Trump: It is fake news that I have ever evolved, or that I think!

John Kelly: It won't be be a wall, it won't work and Mexico won't pay for it.
Donald Trump: Will too! And why is everyone being so mean to me?

On Martin Luther King day, Trump announced: "I too have a dream ... a big beautiful dream ... getting rid of the Dreamers!" Then he got back to what's really import, playing golf.—Michael R. Burch

It is FAKE NEWS that Donald Trump is inconsistent, flighty and variable as the wind! There is one area in which Trump is tremendously consistent. BIGLY consistent. YUGELY consistent. Whenever a girl or woman is abused, Trump ALWAYS sympathizes with the abuser, whether it's Roy "Score" Moore, Steve "Bam Bam" Bannon, "Gory" Corey Lewandowski, Roger "Dodger" Ailes, Bill "the Shill" O'Reilly, Andy "Putz" Puzder, or Rob "Rock 'em and Sock 'em" Porter. Why? ...

Predators of a feather
flock together.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition

Hell, Trump told USA Today that if his daughter Ivanka experienced sexual harassment in the workplace, he "would like to think she would find another career or find another company." No need to punish the male abusers, just get rid of the female victims! Trump also told Howard Stern that it would be "okay" for him to call Ivanka a "piece of ass." If that's how Trump feels about his own daughter, just imagine how he feels about women in general.

Trump is still having trouble sticking to the teleprompter. For instance, he recently read: "We're going to win lots of elections!" However, he missed the tail end: "for Democrats."

Trump is, indeed, a Stable Genius. He's like the kid who rakes muck in a barn full of pigs, donkeys and jackasses.—Michael R. Burch

Trump was actually correct, for once. The world is full of shitholes. The biggest one's between his endlessly flapping lips!

Trump is a man of his word! As promised, during his State of the Disunion speech Trump really did extend an "open hand." He then used it to repeatedly slap down the DREAMers and other immigrants.―Michael R. Burch

It's ironic that Trump wants to end chain migration when the German Drumpfs are its poster children.―Michael R. Burch

Why did Trump go to Davos? Obviously, to persuade Erna Solberg, the Prime Minister of Norway, to export more fair, blonde Ivankas to America! What can the US offer in return? Some of our "beautiful clean coal," of course!―Michael R. Burch

Speaking of Norway, if Trump was as smart as he claims, he'd know that Norwegians have no interest in vastly lowering their standard of living by emigrating to the United States. That would be like the Rockefellers migrating to a trailer park!

Why would Trump call nations of darker-skinned people "shitholes" and call for more Norwegian emigrants? He has a very simple plan to make American great again: import more Donalds and Ivankas! (He also seems to be planning to run for Grand Wizard of the KKK after the impeachment.)

When Trump tells other Americans to "get smart," he clearly means "smart" like himself and Maxwell Smart.—Michael R. Burch

Omarosa saying Trump is "racial" but not a "racist" is like saying Hitler was "fanatical" but not a "fanatic."

The "Trump Effect" is sweeping the world like the shadows of Sauron's ring-wraiths rising over Mordor. Now multitudes of sociable, peace-loving Hobbits are endangered, especially the darker-skinned ones. Fortunately we don't have to risk our lives to defeat Orange Sauron and his trolls. All we have to do is vote.―Michael R. Burch 

There's a new movie in the works about the Trump-Bannon bromance: Fatal Detraction.—Michael R. Burch

What goes around, comes around. Trump’s top policy adviser, Stephen Miller, has called out an “angry, vindictive person” whose “grotesque comments are so out of touch with reality.” While everyone will assume he's talking about his boss, Miller was actually chiding Steve Bannon. Which is like Saruman berating Gollum for not being nicer to baby Hobbits.—Michael R. Burch

How incredibly intelligent is Trump? Let him explain the extent of his genius in his own words ...

I went to the best colleges for college!"—Donald J. Trump
I was a very excellent student!—Donald J. Trump
Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability, and being, like, really smart!—Donald J. Trump
I know words. I have the best words!—Donald J. Trump

Why are we not convinced?

Trump and his administration are also very challenged spellers: covfefe, tapp, councel, unpresidented, honered, Denmakr, thr, "here by" followed by "hearby" in an attempted correction, misspelling the name of British Prime Minister Theresa May three times, misspelling "attacker" as "attaker" twenty times, etc.

And Trump's ability to pronounce the "best words" is also highly questionable: yuge (for huge), diversary (for diversity), premedication (for premeditation), youfenism (for euphemism), Nahzees (for Nazis), rusher (for Russia), Mizzuria (for Missouri), Youtar (for Utah), Nuhvahduh (for Nevada), Jeruzu'um and Jerushalem (for Jerusalem), peninshula (for peninsula), internate (for internet), President Ulicious S. Grant, Two Corinthians, and even "God Bless the United Shates"!

Trump will declare North Korea a state sponsor of terror.―New York Post
North Korea will declare Trump a pate tonsure of error.―Michael R. Burch

I'm a liberal, but I must object! It is obviously fake news that Tweety Twump has no real accomplishments! In reality, Tweetle-Dumb has accomplished the impossible twice. After all, he made George W. Bush seem wise and Richard M. Nixon virtuous!

Tweety Twump is taking us from unpwecedented to unpwesidented.―Michael R. Burch

Tweety lacks the power of reason, but he compensates with the power of TWEASON!―Michael R. Burch

Tweety has a new plan to plan to advance his cartoonish "agenda." He will wally his twoupe around the twoops.―Michael R. Burch

Tweety's no conservative; he's a conswervative (emphasis on "con").―Michael R. Burch

It took Trump three decades to bust all his casinos, but he managed to shut down the US government in one year. What a dealmaker! Anyone tired of "winning" yet?

The Trump Strutdown led to the Trump Shutdown. Now it's time for a different kind of shutdown. #DumpTrump

In the Spirit of the Season: Trump Christmas Jokes and Puns

There will not be a Nativity scene on Capitol Hill this Christmas season. This isn't for religious reasons, but because no one could three Wise Men or a Virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding plenty of asses to fill the stable.

Have a very scary Trump Christmas!



Thanks to the Trumps the eerily-decorated
White House now has "one of the scariest hallways in America," according to Gizmodo. Adjectives used to describe the Christmastime White House include "dark," "ominous," "diabolical," "spooky" and "Satanic." Comparisons have been drawn to Snow White’s escape route from the Huntsman, The White Witch’s Narnian forest, and that lovely spot where Voldemort drank a unicorn’s blood. But perhaps we should simply admit that "a cold day in hell" has finally arrived. 



The holiday in question, in case you were checking your calendars, is Christmas, which in Melania Trump’s mind apparently conjures up the naked terror of running through a dark forest, alone, pursued by wraithlike shadows and the grasping claws of brittle, dead branches, the only sound the cackling of the ancient witch who will grant your wish to be rich and famous with a designer wardrobe and a gold-plated toilet … for a price.―Katie Rife



The Trump White House, with Melania Antoinette watching ballerinas dance, is remarkably Stepford-Wife-ish. But at least she casts a shadow, however ghostly!



Trump, for once, has kept his word by putting the "Christ" back in Christmas. On a daily basis, he makes 300 million Americans gasp and say "Jesus Christ, what is Trump doing now?"
―Michael R. Burch

With Trump at the reins, instead of Santa's Sleigh we now have Satan's Slay.
―Michael R. Burch  

Christmas is coming!
Tycoons are getting fat!
Please put donations
in the Fat Cat's Hat.
If you haven't got a penny
he'll toss you in the stew,
but if you've got ten billion
then may TRUMP bless you!
―Michael R. Burch

For more Trump Christmas goodies (or baddies) please click here:
Trump Christmas.

Why did Trump endorse Roy "Score" Moore when Nostradumbass claimed he "knew" the Sludge Judge couldn't win? ...

Raptors of a feather
flock together.
—Michael R. Burch

Ah, so romantic! It was clearly a case of "love at first bite" when two political pod people—each a Preying Mantis—finally connected by entangling antennae while fully engaging masticating mandibles. It was as if creatures from Predator and Alien embraced, shared a slobbery wet kiss, vowed to "true" to one another, then started looking for warm-blooded humans to devour!

According to Trump, a black guy who shoplifts should be locked up for 10 years, a black guy who kneels during the anthem should be fired, and a white guy who repeatedly molests and propositions underage girls should be in the US Senate. But if a white guy gropes enough women and brags about it, he should be the American president!

Bonus Tracks

Hurricane Donald was the third category 5 storm to hit Puerto Rico. The Donald was quick to remind hurricane-battered Puerto Ricans that his Wall Street friends (i.e., his donors) must be repaid. It's so nice to know that the world's most powerful man has his priorities in order! Trump tweeted: "Much of the Island was destroyed, with billions of dollars owed to Wall Street and the banks, which, sadly, must be dealt with." Yes, never mind the deaths, the orphans, the homeless. What really matters is that hedge fund managers and bankers get nice, fat paychecks!

"I have no reaction. The mayor's living on a cot, and I hope the President has a good day of golf." This was the response of Russel L. Honoré, the retired general appointed by Bush to take over the federal response to Katrina in 2005. (We think this one is especially worth copying and pasting, sharing and tweeting.)

After-Math

Carmen Yulín Cruz is a hero.
Trump is a zero.
―Michael R. Burch

Trump is so divorced from the Truth, he should pay it alimony.―Elizabeth Harris Burch aka @Ladydragyn

Trump called for a boycott of the NFL, then immediately broke the boycott by watching the Cowboys play the Cardinals (he tweeted about watching the game).

White House lawyer Ty Cobb claimed that "it would be truly shocking" if Paul Manafort had "tried to monetize his relationship with the president." But why would that be so shocking, when Trump himself has blatantly monetized the presidency?

Kathy Griffin has finally come to her senses! She now says that she doesn't regret her decapitated Trump photo. And let's be honest ... isn't decapitating Trump a guilty fantasy that we all secretly share?

A recent poll indicates that 36% of Republicans still approve of Trump. In related news, scientists have just confirmed that 36% of Republicans are deaf, blind and very, very dumb!―Michael R. Burch

Ever wonder why Trump seems to be living on his Bedminster golf course these days? Turns out it's not because he loves golf, but because he considers the White House to be a "real dump." The White House was good enough for every president since John Adams, but not for King Trump the Toilet-Plater! 

As everyone knows (because he keeps reminding us), Trump only hires the very best people: for example, Mike "Dr. Strangelove" Flynn, Sean "Scary" Spicer, Reince "and Flush" Priebus and, of course, the Mooch. But really folks: is it Trump's fault that the very best people turn into human lemons as soon as they start working under him?

Personally, I'm still waiting for the winning, but meanwhile the whining is getting old!―Michael R. Burch 

Donald Trump is absolutely correct when he insists that there has been no "chaos" in the White House. The correct term is pandemonium, as in a chorus of demons.

Trump is proof positive that fact really is stranger than fiction. A lot stranger. YUGELY and BIGLY stranger.―Michael R. Burch

Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper: the First Man-Baby President

President Donald Trump signed bills in the  Roosevelt Room of the White House on Monday.

Tiny Hands Trump uses the world's smallest pen and desk to sign his latest dictatorial proclamations. The women pictured are nannies trying to persuade Bratman to take a nap and stop bullying the world, but Man-Baby Trump will have none of that! The antsy Combover Kid believes in ACTION, but hopefully his fingers are still too tiny, weak and delicate to key in the nuclear codes ...

Trump's nannies applaud as the Boychurian Candidate learns to operate a pen with his teeny-tiny fingers. Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper is certainly proud of his "big boy" accomplishment. But so far no one has been able to potty-train his mouth (or his Twitter account)!

There's a new reality show about the Trump presidency: The Boss Baby. Now showing at a theater near you!

Trump tweeted that Obama put a "tapp" on his phones. I think the Testy Toddler needs a ppat on the back and a good burpp, then a nice long napp.―Michael R. Burch

When asked about the firing of James Comey, the Terrible Tyke paused, sucked his pacifier, adjusted his nappy, then blabbered: "Easy comey, easy goey!"―Michael R. Burch

Have no fear, Acting President Jared Kushner is here! Headmaster Kushner makes all major decisions while Truant Trump tweets, pouts, preens and cheats at putt-putt golf.

The Donald has two hard-and-fast rules that govern everything he does: He never accepts anyone else's mistakes and he never admits his own.―Michael R. Burch

Confucius say: Man who lives behind glass wall should stop exposing his enormous ass!

Condoofus say: In addition to big, beautiful glass ceilings for women, we need big, beautiful glass walls for Hispanics!―Michael R. Burch

Condoofus say: We need more big, beautiful bombs! Healthcare for babies and grannies? Not so much!―Michael R. Burch

Tsarzan say: Obamacare bad! Very bad! Tsarzan kill Obamacare, maybe kill Jane and Boy. But that okay because Obamacare bad!―Michael R. Burch

According to an ABC News/Washington Post poll, 24% of Americans think that Trump's tweets are "fitting and proper." Evidently 24% of Americans have no clue what the words "fitting" and "proper" mean.―Michael R. Burch

Q: How many Trump cabinet members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them ... and he's still in the dark!

Q: How can you get Trump to change a light bulb?
A: You don't. He just lies that he changed it, while all the Republicans sit in the dark and agree.

Q: What's the biggest difference between Trump's presidential campaign and his Miss America contests?
A: In Miss America contests, we get to pick from 50 candidates who all want world peace!

Q: What's the difference between the Trumps and professional criminals?
A: Professional criminals don't make up ridiculous excuses for things they deny having done.

Q: What does Trump say when he looks in the mirror?
A: Pardon me!

TrumpCare or TrumpedUpCare?

Irony of ironies, we may be saved from TrumpCare because four Republican senators―Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Ron Johnson and Mike Lee―don't think it will kill enough Americans, and thus may refuse to vote for it!

TrumpCare is clearly a rush to fudgement!
―Michael R. Burch

Kremlingate aka Russiagate, Trumpgate and Comeygate

G.O.P. now stands for "Government of Putin" and it is clearly of Putin, by Putin and for Putin.―Michael R. Burch

The terse order to fire Comey came straight from Mr. Putin―"Nyet Comey!"―and was carried out by Acting President Jared "Jarhead" Kushner and Acting First Lady-Daughter Ivanka Trump-Kushner.

Fact really is stranger than fiction. Morgan, Lewis & Bockiusthe law firm advising Trump on handling his business conflictswas named Russia's Law Firm of the Year in 2016!

Trump telling the truth under oath would be as improbable as Moses parting the Red Sea, and would also require Divine Intervention.―Michael R. Burch

Emma Lazarus called Lady Liberty the "Mother of Exiles." Donald Trump has turned her into the "Smotherer of Exiles." — Michael R. Burch

Q: How does Donald Trump disprove Darwin's theory?
A: Trump quite obviously did not evolve.

Related pages: The Best Donald Trump Jokes, The Best Donald Trump Jokes Part 2, The Best Donald Trump Jokes Part 3, The Best Donald Trump Jokes Part 4, The Best Donald Trump Jokes of Michael R. Burch The Best Donald Trump Puns, The Best Donald Trump Limericks, The Best Donald Trump Nursery Rhymes, The Best Donald Trump Insults, 2016 Republican First Presidential Debate, Is there a Republican War on Women?, The Donald Trump Bible, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Conservatives Who Support Gay Marriage, Donald Trump Nicknames, Trump 45 Nicknames, Ten Reasons to "Fire" Donald Trump, Donald Trump's "Muslim Friends", Where Have All the Birthers Gone?, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Ted Cruz Nicknames, Is Ted Cruz an Anchor Baby?, More Donald Trump Jokes, Is Donald Trump a Fascist?, Donald Trump Trivia, Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast, Is Ted Cruz the Antichrist?, Marco Rubio Nicknames, Is Donald Trump the Antichrist?, Donald Trump Violence Quotes, Trump Trivia, Donald Trump in his Own Words, Donald Trump Campaign Slogans and Parodies, Donald Trump Halloween Ideas, The Best and Worst Tweets Ever, Donald Trump Tweets, Donald Trump Cabinet Nicknames, Famous Nicknames, Jared Kushner Nicknames, Rudy Giuliani Nicknames, Judge Roy Moore Nicknames, Donald Trump Russia Jokes, Trump Christmas, Donald Trump Sexism Timeline, Donald Trump Fears, Did Sir Walter Raleigh Prophesy Donald Trump?, Is Donald Trump a Christian?, Donald Trump Russia Quotes Donald Trump Russia Gog Magog, James Mattis Resignation Quotes, Delusional Donald Trump Quotes, Donald Trump Hypocrisy, Famous Lies and Liars

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