The Best Donald Trump Jokes, Part 3
Here are the best Donald Trump jokes by comics and comedians like Lewis Black, Albert Brooks, Louis C. K., George Carlin, Johnny Carson, Michael Che, Stephen Colbert, Whitney Cummings, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson, Will Ferrell, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Seth MacFarlane, Bill Maher, Seth Meyers, Trevor Noah, Conan O'Brien, John Oliver, Joan Rivers, Chris Rock, Jeffrey Ross, Jon Stewart, Cecily Strong and Larry Wilmore. There are also a number of "top ten" lists of puns, limericks, tweets, memes, quotations, insults, nicknames, hashtags, campaign slogans, etc.
Cannonball! Donald "Trump of Doom" enters the American political waters, causing a mass Exodus ... but can he really walk on water as his fervent and fervid disciples believe?
Related pages: Donald Trump Puns, Donald Trump Insults, Donald Trump Limericks, Donald Trump Nicknames, The Donald Trump Bible, Where Have All the Birthers Gone?, Trump Trivia, Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast
News organizations simply are not equipped to cover a candidate whose entire being is a lie. — Samantha Bee
Donald Trump is the weak man's vision of a strong man.—Charles Cooke
Donald Trump has done so much damage to the New York Skyline, that instead of calling him "The Donald," they should call him the 20th hijacker.—Gilbert Godfried
Question: If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have? Answer: The Trump Card.―Anonymous
Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them "anxious." And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them "Canadian."―Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump, you've ruined more models' lives than bulimia. You've disappointed more women than Sex and the City 2.―Lisa Lampanelli
Finally, a leader who talks to other countries the way they deserve: like a bookie from Staton Island.―Lewis Black
Donald Trump told supporters he'd like to punch protesters in the face. Though he looks more like the kind of guy who would stroke a white cat while somebody else punched you in the face.—Seth Meyers
Donald Trump really has egg on his face now. Which pairs nicely with the hash browns on the top of his head.—James Corden
Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast? This is no joke, because the most expensive single building ever sold in the United States was purchased by the Trump family, at 666 Fifth Avenue, a street that symbolizes money (Mammon). The price was $1.8 billion, which is three more sixes. Another Trump tower at One Journal Square will be 666 feet high with a price tag of $666 million. And still that is just the tip of the 666 iceberg. The founder of the original Trump company died on 6-6-6 and her maiden name may shock you: Elizabeth Christ. You can click the hyperlink to learn more (no annoying ads or requests for money; this is a public service). Yes, it does sound like the plot of a new OMEN movie, but in this case fact really is stranger than fiction. Ironically, evangelical Christian leaders are now lining up to endorse Trump. Have the very elect been deceived, just as the Hebrew prophets predicted thousands of years ago when they warned us to listen for the Trump of Doom? The Antichrist has been prophesied to be a sort of "reverse twin" of Jesus Christ, as if Lucifer became flesh and sought to become the Savior of the world. And Trump has certainly been proclaiming himself as the only possible Savior. For instance, at a campaign rally in Kiawah Island, S.C., the egomaniacal Trump made it clear that he, not God Almighty, is the only possible defender of Christians. Discussing ISIS, Trump said, "Their primary goal is to get to the Vatican. If and when the Vatican is attacked, the pope would only wish and have prayed that Donald Trump would have been elected president." In other words, it is useless for people of faith to pray to God for protection. Christians should pray for Trump to save them. After a terrorist attack in Pakistan on Easter Sunday, Trump tweeted: "Another radical Islamic attack, this time in Pakistan, targeting Christian women & children. At least 67 dead, 400 injured. I alone can solve." No compassion, no condolences, just Trump bragging on Trump. And what arrogance! Who but the Antichrist would claim to be the only possible savior of Christians? Who but the Antichrist would claim to be a Christian while denying the need to ask God for forgiveness? Who but the Antichrist would denigrate Holy Communion by reducing it to a "little cracker" and a "little wine," when these represent the sacred body and blood of Jesus Christ to real Christian believers?
My Personal Stash (of Donald Trump Jokes and Political Jokes)
Thanks to politicians like George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann and Donald Trump, we now have a duh-mock-racy.—Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump is absolutely, 100% correct that the election has been rigged ... he rigged it against himself every time he opened his mouth.―Michael R. Burch
The Trump children aren't all right, they're ALT-right.―Michael R. Burch
You can scare the hell out of The Donald this Halloween ... just show up at his penthouse as his worst nightmare: a living dead voter!―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump is an equal-opportunity insulter. He has insulted 6 countries, 281 individuals, the body and blood of Jesus Christ, and God Almighty by claiming that he alone never needs to ask forgiveness.―Michael R. Burch
When Donald Trump becomes president, the West Wing of the White House will be reserved for his main priorities: ogling ass, honking boobs and groping pussy.―Michael R. Burch
The GOP has finally figured out how to influence the Hispanic vote ... by nominating The Donald! Now yuge numbers will vote in November!―Michael R. Burch
At long last, Donald Trump finally told the truth about something! During the second presidential debate with Hillary Clinton, he admitted: "I know nothing about Russia."―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump just announced that he will meet with Mr. Putin before being sworn in, to receive his marching orders.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump's frequent sniffling during the debates can be easily explained: he's allergic to facts.―Michael R. Burch
According to Donald Trump and his supporters the long-dreaded Taco Takeover has already begun. White supremacists will be helpless because they love tacos! #TacoOnEveryCorner
Holy Apocalypse, Batman! The Trump robot is held together with orange glue and bobby pins, but people are still lining up to vote for it for president! Is there any hope for the world?
Never fear, Boy Wonder! According to the Bat Computer, the American public will be saved by its diversity. The Trump-Bot has not fooled women, minorities, LGBTs or people with higher educations!
With his nomination Donald Trump just became the "face of Republican party." So it's time to change the party's nickname to something more accurate: Goofy Old Pumbaas.―Michael R. Burch
Trump tries to come off as a strong man at his rallies, but he seems more like the guy stroking a white cat while other people administer the beatings.―Michael R. Burch
Ivanka Trump has the hardest job in the world. She's going to work on her father's image. That's like climbing Mt. Everest in stiletto heels and stockings.―Michael R. Burch
Ann Coulter has decided to become a stand-up comedian. Her first joke? She said that choosing Mike Pence was Donald Trump's "first mistake."―Michael R. Burch
Ben Carson claims that he hates political correctness. That makes perfect sense because he has yet to say anything correct about politics.―Michael R. Burch
Trump just gave Americans a foretaste of his presidency; rather than offering real money to Louisiana flood victims, he handed out Play-Doh.―Michael R. Burch
Samsung and Trump have the same problem: too many meltdowns and explosions.―Michael R. Burch
At last! It all makes perfect sense! The Donald has been auditioning for the role of his life, on The Presidential Apprentice!―Michael R. Burch
Now that Trump's tiny fingers have finally been unshackled, he is pressing the red self-destruct button for all he's worth.―Michael R. Burch
The hacker group Anonymous has declared unremitting war on Trump after he body-shamed them as "somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds."―Michael R. Burch
Paul Ryan just admitted what many of us have suspected for years: the GOP is a "big tent party." He freely admits that the party he chairs is a three-ring circus featuring a parade of Bozos.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump has baby hands
and a teeny-tiny peenie;
is that the reason The Donald acts
like such an enormous weenie?
To make America great,
―Michael R. Burch
Trump's Political Battle Plan was Revealed in 1998
Now we know why Donald Trump loves the "poorly educated" so much. According to various sources, Trump revealed his "battle plan" for winning the presidency during a 1998 interview: "If I were to run, I'd run as a Republican. They're the dumbest group of voters in the country. They believe anything on Fox News. I could lie and they'd still eat it up. I bet my numbers would be terrific."
Top Ten Donald Trump Hashtags
#AntiTrump and #Trump666
#BatTrump @Marvel "Superman's not a hero. I like heroes whose planets haven't exploded."
#PeriodsAreNotAnInsult but your hair is
#ImNotACriminal but mass deportation is
#WhenTrumpIsElected there will be hot ass in the White House
#FlashInThePan hair today gone tomorrow
Honorable mention: #Trumpnado #TrumpSucks #TrumpBible #Trump #DonaldTrump
Presidential Election Campaign Jokes NOT about Donald Trump (Yes, Some Do Actually Exist!)
Rafael Eduardo "Ted" Cruz is a Cuban-Canadian lounge act: a creepy Liberace impersonator who hopes to steal the American presidency for a song (your vote).―Michael R. Burch
Hey Cruz! You don't like N.Y. values? Go back to Canada! Drop dead, Ted!―The Statue of Liberty, giving Ted Cruz the middle finger, on the cover of the New York Daily News
People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber!―Conan O'Brien
Senator Ted Cruz was born in Canada, so while we were worried about Iran, China, and North Korea, a Canadian shut down the U.S. government. Well played, Canada!―Seth Meyers
Ted Cruz is obviously Castro's Revenge for the Bay of Pigs. Now Cruz hopes to become El Presidente of the United States. Well played, Cuba!―Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz is clinging to Trump like a limpet to an oil tanker, hoping to suck up his votes when Trump eventually sinks.―Bobby Jindal
Ted Cruz was "widely loathed" in college. Being loathed is his "superpower."―Craig Mazin, who roomed with Cruz when they were college freshmen
Now the entire nation can experience my noxious freshman year dorm room experience.―Craig Mazin
Ted Cruz has compared his denial of climate change to the intellectual courage of Galileo. Someone should probably remind him that Galileo turned out to be correct.―Michael R. Burch
We have Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham all running for president. It's part of the Republican plan to make Jeb Bush look presidential.―David Letterman
Maybe Ted Cruz is the leader that America needs. He's the first person in recent memory who's been able to unite people of both parties, in their hatred of him.―Trevor Noah
Think how strange it is: Ted Cruz picked a vice president. That doesn’t make sense, because serial killers always work alone.—Larry Wilmore
Sarah Palin just guaranteed Trump the evangelical vote, by speaking in tongues!―Stephen Colbert
Sarah Palin is the original Material Girl [because she provides comics with such great material].―Stephen Colbert
Marco Rubio missed another Senate vote because he had one event in a row in Iowa―a record-setting breakneck pace for Marco.―Rick Tyler
Marco! Dude, show up to work!―Chris Christie
Ben Carson rejects evolution! As evidence that God did not allow humans to evolve, he offers George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, Ted Cruz and of course himself.―Michael R. Burch
Ben Carson stated that homosexuality is a choice, but "unfortunately for him, so are elections."―SNL's Michael Che
John Boehner called Ted Cruz "Lucifer in the flesh." The Prince of Darkness immediately issued a rebuttal, pointing out that no fictional character is as creepy as Cruz.―Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz is really desperate now: he just brought Carly Fiorina on board his sinking ship. But I think Carly's Cruz is likely to be a brief one.―Michael R. Burch
Yes, the Republican presidential candidates are clowns, but if we elect one of them the joke will be on U.S.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump has promised to make America great again. Ted Cruz, on the other hand, has already made America grate again.―Michael R. Burch
More Election Jokes
Wow. Trump's an asshole, but he's honest. Yeah. He's honestly an asshole.―Trevor Noah
"Morning Joe" has their head so far up Trump’s ass they bumped into Chris Christie.—Larry Wilmore
Donald Trump said that he was running for president as a Republican. That's funny, because I thought he was running as a joke.―Seth Meyers
Putting Donald Trump in charge of our military would be like making a juvenile delinquent the Dean of Harvard.—Michael R. Burch
I can’t understand why everyone treats Donald Trump with kid gloves. And then I realized they’re the only gloves that’ll fit his stupid, little baby hands.—Larry Wilmore
What Flubber was to physics, Trump is to politics: an antidote to gravity, cooked up by a quirky but prodigious amateur.―David Von Drehle, TIME cover article, January 18, 2016
If Donald Trump becomes president, let's be honest and rename his plane Air Farce One, since the United States will have become an international joke.―Elizabeth Harris Burch
The Donald claims to be a tough guy but is yugely afraid of "cooties"―Hillary's urine, Megyn's period, mothers' breast-milk, even Marco's innocuous beads of sweat.—Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz is half Canadian and half Cuban. He has the wit of Justin Bieber combined with the people skills of Scarface.―Bill Maher
Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America.―Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday presidential candidate Ted Cruz said that he will in fact be signing up for Obamacare despite saying earlier that he wants to repeal every word of it.―Jimmy Fallon
It's a good thing he's signing up, because Cruz just went to the hospital in hypocritical condition.―Jimmy Fallon
Ted Cruz wants to abolish the IRS and repeal "every single word" of Obamacare. He also wants to part the Red Sea, date the Abominable Snowman, and jump over the moon.―Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz isn't crazy; he's much worse. He does awful things by intelligent design.―Jeb Lund, in Rolling Stone
"First we say, you can't come into this country until I see you eat bacon while singing a Christmas carol!"―SNL's parody of Carson after he said only Christian refugees should be allowed to enter the US
"Ben Carson's complete ineptitude makes you long for the days of 'Uz-beki-beki-stan-stan,"" said an Iowa Republican, referring to a disastrous Herman Cain interview four years ago.
"Carson is so clueless," said an Iowa GOP insider, "he thinks the Kurds are a special kind of Wisconsin cheese."
Ted Cruz released a presidential campaign video in Spanish. Cruz explained, "It's important for me to reach out to the people I'm trying to deport."―Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are political mutants, X-Men. They share the same mysterious superpower: to make previously unthinkable candidates seem acceptable.―Michael R. Burch
If you are a true conservative. Don’t vote for Trump. He is not one of you. He is one of him. He is playing you.―Louis C. K.
Best Jokes Told by President Barack Obama
"Some folks still don’t think I spend enough time with Congress. ‘Why don’t you get a drink with Mitch McConnell?’ they ask. Really? Why don’t you get a drink with Mitch McConnell?!"
On how history will view his presidency: "Michele Bachmann actually predicted that I would bring about the biblical end of days. Now, that’s a legacy. That’s big. I mean, Lincoln, Washington, they didn’t do that."
On his relationship with Vice President Joe Biden: "We’ve gotten so close that in some places in Indiana they won’t serve us pizza anymore."
"MSNBC is here. They’re a little overwhelmed. They’ve never seen an audience this big before."
"Let’s face it, Fox, you’ll miss me when I’m gone. It will be harder to convince the American people that Hillary was born in Kenya."
"People keep pointing out how the presidency has aged me. I look so old John Boehner’s already invited Benjamin Netanyahu to speak at my funeral."
"Galileo believed the Earth revolves around the sun. Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz."
On Democratic 2016 front-runner Hillary Clinton: "I have one friend, just a few weeks ago she was making millions of dollars a year and she’s now living out of a van in Iowa."
On presidential long-shot Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vermont): "Some folks really want to see a pot-smoking socialist in the White House. We could get a third Obama term after all."
Donald Trump may have an advantage in closing Guantanamo Bay because of Trump's experience "running waterfront properties into the ground."
His dispute with Trump "dates back to when we were growing up in Kenya. We had constant run-ins on the soccer field, he wasn't very good and resented it. When we finally moved to America, I thought it would be over."
"Donald Trump is here tonight. Now I know that he’s taken some flak lately. But no one is happier—no one is prouder—to put this birth certificate matter to rest than The Donald. And that’s because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter: Like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?"
"In an episode of Celebrity Apprentice, at the steakhouse, the men’s cooking team did not impress the judges from Omaha Steaks. And there was a lot of blame to go around, but you, Mr. Trump, recognized that the real problem was a lack of leadership, and so ultimately you didn’t blame Lil Jon or Meat Loaf, you fired Gary Busey. And these are the kinds of decisions that would keep me up at night."
Playing the Ultimate Trump Card: Nukes
First, Donald Trump said that as president he would command American soldiers to track down and "take out" the families of terrorists: not because they pose any threat to Americans, but in acts of "retribution." But of course deliberately murdering women and children is evil, a war crime, and extremely bad military strategy. No American general has suggested such grotesque operations, nor would American soldiers obey such heinous orders. Then Trump said that he wants to be "unpredictable" and won't rule out an attack on China. Trump has also talked about abandoning our NATO and SEATO allies. Just let other nations have nukes, he says. But what if some crazy dictator rises to power and is unfriendly to the free world and the United States? We could end up facing more nations like North Korea, each threatening the world with destruction if they can't have their way. Now, like a demented Dr. Strangelove, Trump says that he won't rule out using nukes in Europe and the Middle East. He seems to be growing crazier by the minute. In the ever-escalating madness of Donald Trump, he claims to be more concerned about nuclear proliferation than anything else, then talks idly about using nukes and letting more countries acquire them, including Japan, South Korea, and Saudi Arabia. Saudi Arabia seems like a particularly bad idea, with Mecca being a focal point of Islamic jihadists and the country being controlled by a close-knit group of royals who have been accused of funding and evangelizing an extremist version of Islam. Most of the 9-11 attackers and conspirators were Saudis, including Osama bin Laden. Do we really want them to have nukes? The Donald certainly does ...
ANDERSON COOPER: Saudi Arabia, nuclear weapons?
DONALD TRUMP: Saudi Arabia, absolutely.
What's Good for the Gander is Good for the Goose
Donald Trump says we should boycott Megyn Kelly because she's been mean and unfair to him. But then the whole world should girlcott Trump because he's been mean and unfair to so many women. — Michael R. Burch
Girlcott him too!
Show the Chump who's boss—
say, "We fire you!"
— Michael R. Burch
Trump Never Expected to Win
Stephanie Cegielski, a former strategist, spokesperson and Communications Director for the "Make America Great Again" Super PAC has come clean in an open letter about Donald Trump, the man she formerly supported as a candidate for president. Some of her observations:
"It pains me to say this, but he is the presidential equivalent of Sanjaya on American Idol." [Sanjaya was known primarily for his unusual hairdo, not his talent.]
Trump's original goal was not to win the nomination, but to get around 12% of the votes. "His candidacy was a protest candidacy."
"In 2015, I fell in love with the idea of the protest candidate who was not bought by corporations."
No one expected Trump to become the frontrunner: "I don't think even Trump thought he would get this far. And I don't even know that he wanted to."
But with each outrageous Trump statement came another leap in the polls. "Just when I thought we were finished, The Donald gained more popularity."
Now Trump's ego has "taken over the driver's seat, and nothing else matters. The Donald does not fail. The Donald does not have any weakness. The Donald is his own biggest enemy."
"I'll say it again: Trump never intended to be the candidate. But his pride is too out of control to stop him now."
"The hard truth is: Trump only cares about Trump. He is not your voice. He is only Trump's voice."
"I am, in my heart, a policy wonk" but "The man does not know policy, nor does he have the humility to admit what he does not know — the most frightening position of all."
"I am now taking full responsibility for helping create this monster — and reaching out directly to those voters who, like me, wanted Trump to be the real deal."
Trump's campaign "has nightmarishly morphed into a charade that is poised to do irreparable damage to this country if we do not stop this campaign in its tracks."
Cegielski concluded her open letter by noting that when disasters happen, Trump expresses no sorrow and gives no condolences or words of support, but only talks about building walls and his "greatness."
Donald Trump Punning Nicknames
Trump of Doom
The New Furor
Dire Abby (because he tweets relationship advice similar to "Dear Abby" but it's usually extremely negative, akin to "dump the no-good slut, pronto!")
King of the Whoppers
Fifth Avenue Freeze-Out (for trying to deny disabled vets the right to street vend on Fifth Avenue, where The Donald sells expensive baubles Himself)
King Tut (because his insults make billions of people go "Tut, tut, tut!")
New York Pork Dork
A number of Trump nicknames are related to fascism, such as "Hair Hitler" (a pun on Herr Hitler) and The New Furor (a pun on Führer). Are such accusations warranted? Well, Hair Hitler talking about Muslims and Hispanics does sound a lot like Herr Hitler talking about Jews. Here's what one prominent American Jew has said on the subject. Abe Foxman, former National Director of the Anti-Defamation League, had this to say to The Times of Israel after Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump urged supporters at a Florida rally Saturday to raise their arms in a salute to him: "As a Jew who survived the Holocaust, to see an audience of thousands of people raising their hands in what looks like the ‘Heil Hitler' salute is about as offensive, obnoxious and disgusting as anything I thought I would ever witness in the United States of America."
I think The New York Times hit the nail on the proverbial head: "Donald Trump's flirtation with the Ku Klux Klan should come as no surprise. He has functioned for years as a rallying point for birthers, conspiracy theorists, extremists and racists who are apoplectic about the fact that the country elected a black man president. These groups have driven the Republican Party steadily rightward, helping to create a national discourse that now permits a presidential candidate to court racist support without paying a political price."
My wife has finally figured out who Donald Trump reminds her of ... Goober Pyle. The Donald does resemble the original Goober with his oafish, buffoonish facial expressions, clueless shoulder shrugs and "whaddya expect?" upturned hand gestures. But George Lindsey was a professional actor playing a goofball for laughs. Trump is a malevolent know-nothing who talks tough about punching protestors for exercising their First Amendment rights, bringing back waterboarding and more ominous forms of torture, forcing American soldiers to become mass murderers of widows and orphans, and deporting 11 million people without due process. Trump in his colorful (and sometimes off-color) rhetoric and style resembles Dixiecrat politicians of yore like "Pitchfork" Ben Tillman, "Big Jim" Folsom, Huey Long and George C. Wallace. But when Trump talks about his plans for the American military, he sounds disturbingly like Hitler and Mussolini. If he's a Goober, he's far from lovable or likeable, except perhaps to racists, fascists and people so gullible they can't process the words coming out of his mouth.
More Donald Trump Puns
President Obama contends that charges he is "not really an American" have been trumped up by you-know-who.―Michael R. Burch
How can Donald Trump appeal to so many white supremacists when "Orange is the new Black"? He's clearly an inferior species: Orangutan.―Michael R. Burch
The GOP's problem in a nut-shell (if you'll pardon the pun) is that all its presidential candidates are nuts, not just the Teflon Don. No, wait, I take it back ... George Pataki may not be completely crazy. And that's why he has such appeal for the saner Republican voters: all 0.6% of them!―Michael R. Burch
Girlcott him too!
Show the Chump who's boss—
say, "We fire you!"
―Michael R. Burch
Top Ten Jokes by Will Ferrell as George W. Bush, in a cameo appearance on Saturday Nigh Live, Dec. 12, 2015
I've made a big decision. I'm entering the race for president of the United States of America. The field of Republicans out there is so messed up, I figured it makes you miss me, doesn't it? And that's saying a lot.―Will Ferrell
Dr. Ben Carson? I can barely hear him when he talks ... Not to mention he's some kind of brain surgeon. And I got news for him: Running the country is not brain surgery. Trust me, I know.―Will Ferrell
Carly Fiorina? She got fired from her job. She got her butt kicked in a Senate race. She's not qualified in any way to be president. In many ways, she reminds me of me.―Will Ferrell
Cruz and Rubio, Rubio and Cruz. Sounds like a Miami law firm ... These two guys, the sons of immigrants, hate immigrants.―Will Ferrell
But the way I see it, unless your name is Running Bear or Chief Two Rivers, we're all anchor babies.―Will Ferrell
And then you got this knucklehead [picture of Donald Trump looking like a giant grinning orangutan] with the hair, and the hundred-foot wall.―Will Ferrell
Trump says he wants to keep all the Muslims out. Yeah, that's a great idea! That's impossible to implement and not what this country is about. Heck, that's like saying, "Let's keep all the leprechauns out."―Will Ferrell
I'll tell you something: whenever I get in a bad mood, I just picture his big fat orange Oompa Loompa face and I just piss my pants.―Will Ferrell
Poor Jeb! You gotta admit it's a pretty good plot twist that I turned out to be the smart one!―Will Ferrell
Of course, I wish you would have asked me about the exclamation point on the end of his name. Look, I don't like the taste of broccoli but it doesn't get any tastier if you call it BROCCOLI!―Will Ferrell
Ten Things Republican Cats Could and Should Learn from Real Cats
Cats do not foul their own nests.
Cats do not cut their own throats to spite mice.
Cats do their own surveying and form their own independent opinions.
Cats do not form herds or follow incompetent leaders; they are nonconformists.
Cats do not suffer fools gladly, but try to avoid them at all costs.
Cats are curious creatures, but they don't bother themselves with inconsequential trivia.
Cats do not make mountains out of mouse holes! They are realists and skeptics.
Cats do not blame all their problems on cats with slightly different colorations.
Cats do not moralize about other cats who indulge in a little catnip.
Ditto for sex.
Get Smart! (Says the Man from CHAOS)
Donald Trump seems to think Paris is in Germany, since he tweeted: "Man shot inside Paris police station. Just announced that terror threat is at highest level. Germany is a total mess―big crime. GET SMART!" That would be Maxwell Smart territory, if he were a double agent working for CHAOS!―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump is a good bad example of a rule: the incompetent fail to recognize their own ineptitude. I used to see this hypothesis proved when I shot pool for money in my younger days: it is easy to take money from people who consider themselves to be great pool players, but seldom if ever actually run out. The people who win consistently at handicapped pool matches―where the better player spots the other player balls―are the ones who can honestly gauge their own abilities and avoid giving games away. We also see the hypothesis proved repeatedly on talent shows. Trump is like one of those tone-deaf shower singers on American Idol who seldom if ever hit a note correctly, then argue with the judges, insisting they'll soon be the next Elvis or Aretha. How is that possible? Because tone-deaf singers can't hear their musical mistakes. Donald Trump is so tone-deaf to his racism, chauvinism, intolerance and lack of decency that he can't "hear" how he really sounds. If he were a contestant on American Idol, he would screech out the all-time worst version of whatever song he chose, than insist that he was "better" (and "better looking") than Elvis, Sinatra, Usher, et al. So why can't millions of Americans "hear" how off-key Trump is, in his speeches, interviews and tweets? Probably because they, too, are tone-deaf to racism, chauvinism and intolerance. Why didn't more Southerners object to slavery prior to the Civil War? Because many white Southerners really believed they were "superior" to people with darker skin. Why didn't more Germans object to Hitler's racist rants about the Jews? Because many white Germans believed they were also "superior" to people with darker skin. In effect, Trump is preaching to the choir. When he promises to make American "great again," for white supremacists that appears to be a kind of code for making America "white again," or at least running it according to white conservative Christian principles. Of course it's ironic because Jesus Christ, the apostles and Hebrew prophets were flaming liberals. Trump is the antithesis of Jesus, so what does that say about the faith of his supporters? Can anyone actually see Jesus endorsing Trump―a rich, arrogant bully who plans to ban and deport millions of men, women and children whom Jesus would obviously have helped himself?
The Best Donald Trump Joke of All Time
The best joke about the 2015-2016 presidential campaign may have been told by Adlai Stevenson during his 1956 run for the presidency. When a woman called out, "Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!" the quick-witted Stevenson shot back, "That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!"
More Donald Trump and Presidential Election Jokes
Yes, everybody likes Trump, even white supremacists, which is amazing because Trump isn't even white ... He's more Oompa-Loompamerican.―Stephen Colbert
Donald Trump keeps advising us to "GET SMART!" But he makes the stupidest mistakes: birtherism, autism, Ebola, "the blacks," Bette, Rosie, Heidi, Paris in Germany. That's Maxwell Smart territory.―Michael R. Burch
GET SMART, indeed! Recently, 41% of likely Trump voters said they supported bombing Agrabah, the mythical city of Disney's Aladdin cartoon!―Michael R. Burch
The closest Donald Trump ever came to actual combat was daring Crazy Ben Carson to stab him in the belt buckle; fortunately the hair-trigged psychopath was napping at the time.―Michael R. Burch
I do think Donald Trump is honest in his own way. He is honestly an egomaniacal billionaire.―Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert is right: Donald Trump is honest in his own way. He's even honest about the fact that he s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-s the truth, lying in order to tell people what they want to hear!―Michael R. Burch
According to Donald Trump, dishonesty is the best policy because the goal is not to win with honor, but to win at any price (and then brag about it incessantly).―Michael R. Burch
Mr. Trump claims he got to know Mr. Putin "very well" when they appeared on 60 Minutes. Welcome to Sarah Palin la-la-land, because they were interviewed separately and never met.―Michael R. Burch
In order to comply with federal truth-in-advertising regulations, the major networks have jointly announced that all news programs will now carry the byline "All Trump all the time."―Michael R. Burch
Trump is more of a mall martist than an artist; he's more about glitz than Ritz. Backlighting marble and plating toilet bowls with minute quantities of dilute gold is hardly the height of art, or fashion.―Michael R. Burch
Trump claims to be Midas, but everything he touches eventually turns to crap: two ridiculous "reality" shows, three marriages, four bankruptcies, Trump University, Trump Airlines, Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka, Trump Mortgage, Trump Magazine, Trump the Game, Tour de Trump ... and that's just the tip of the fool's-gold-plated iceberg!―Michael R. Burch
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