The Best Donald Trump Jokes, Part 2
Here are the best Donald Trump jokes by comics and comedians like Lewis Black, Albert Brooks, Louis C. K., George Carlin, Johnny Carson, Michael Che, Stephen Colbert, Whitney Cummings, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson, Will Ferrell, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Seth MacFarlane, Bill Maher, Seth Meyers, Trevor Noah, Conan O'Brien, John Oliver, Joan Rivers, Chris Rock, Jeffrey Ross, Jon Stewart, Cecily Strong and Larry Wilmore. There are also a number of "top ten" lists of puns, limericks, tweets, memes, quotations, insults, nicknames, hashtags, campaign slogans, etc.
Q: What's the difference between a Miss Universe contestant and Donald Trump?
A: She wants world peace, and he wants a world in pieces.
Cannonball! Donald "Trump of Doom" enters the American political waters, causing a mass Exodus ... but can he really walk on water as his fervent and fervid disciples believe?
Related pages: Donald Trump Puns, Donald Trump Insults, Donald Trump Limericks, Donald Trump Nicknames, The Donald Trump Bible, Where Have All the Birthers Gone?, Trump Trivia, Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast
Donald Trump is the gift that keeps on giving ... women the creeps.―Seth Meyers
Fox has their head so far up Trump’s ass they bumped into Chris Christie.—Larry Wilmore
Wow. Trump's an asshole, but he's honest. Yeah. He's honestly an asshole.―Trevor Noah
The Donald's gold-plated toilets must be more cosmetic than functional, since he's always so full of s**t.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump said that he was running for president as a Republican. That's funny, because I thought he was running as a joke.―Seth Meyers
The Donald trumpets that the news is "all Trump, all the time." That's true, but only because catastrophes have always grabbed the headlines.―Michael R. Burch
I can’t understand why everyone treats Donald Trump with kid gloves. And then I realized they’re the only gloves that’ll fit his stupid, little baby hands.—Larry Wilmore
What Flubber was to physics, Trump is to politics: an antidote to gravity, cooked up by a quirky but prodigious amateur.―David Von Drehle, TIME cover article, January 18, 2016
The Donald claims to be a tough guy but is yugely afraid of "cooties"―Hillary's urine, Megyn's period, mothers' breast-milk, even Marco's innocuous beads of sweat.—Michael R. Burch
Putting Donald Trump in charge of our military is like making a juvenile delinquent the Dean of Harvard.—Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast? This is no joke, because the most expensive single building ever sold in the United States was purchased by the Trump family, at 666 Fifth Avenue, a street that symbolizes money (Mammon). The price was $1.8 billion, which is three more sixes. Another Trump tower at One Journal Square will be 666 feet high with a price tag of $666 million. And still that is just the tip of the 666 iceberg. The founder of the original Trump company died on 6-6-6 and her maiden name may shock you: Elizabeth Christ Trump. The name Elizabeth means "oath" so her name can be interpreted "Oath to Trump Christ," which is what the Antichrist was predicted to do by the ancient prophets. You can click the hyperlink to learn more (no annoying ads or requests for money; this is a public service). Yes, it does sound like the plot of a new OMEN movie, but in this case fact really is stranger than fiction.
A Little Comedic Food for Thought
"I can't prove it, but I can say it."―Stephen Colbert, succinctly summing up Donald Trump's method of "campaigning" for president
"If I repeat it often enough, it's not a lie."―Dean Obeidallah, commenting on Trump's "truthiness" (i.e., the "truth" is whatever he wants to believe, facts being irrelevant)
Donald Trump "says things that have never been said before ... that doesn't mean they should have ever been said."―Rachel Maddow to Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump says mosques need to be "watched and studied" because they may spread hateful views. In related news, Donald Trump needs to be watched and studied.―Seth Meyers
Donald Trump is leading among Christian evangelical voters. They love him, apparently because a Trump presidency would mean the world really is coming to an end.―Conan O'Brien
According to an online poll, Donald Trump is still the front-runner in the Republican primary race. It's very impressive because it's the only race left that he hasn't offended yet.―Jimmy Fallon
Amy Holmes pointed out that Trump makes Beavis and Butthead seem like "models of maturity."
Donald Trump has pushed crazy to hazy new heights with his plan to "take out" (murder) the widows and orphans of dead terrorists. Will that dissuade them from reincarnating and attacking again?―Michael R. Burch
There are rumors that Bishop Willard Mitt Romney may soon enter the race as a "white knight" to save the Republican Party from Herr Führer Trump. Personally, I don't see how that will help, since Trump has billions to Romney's mere millions and Romney is as stiff as a board. Trump would probably run rings around him. However, Romney does have better hair, and that goes a long way in American politics these days.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump Potty Humor
Donald Trump is very upset! I don't know what his relationships with women have been like, but he's discovered that women go to the bathroom, and it's very upsetting for him!―Bernie Sanders
I've got to be honest with you. I've got to lay it out on the table: I also went to the bathroom. I know. I have to admit it. I guess men are allowed to go to the bathroom, but women, what can we say?―Bernie Sanders
Newsflash! Bernie Sanders just confessed that he, too, went to the restroom during the debate. But Donald Trump tweeted that that's okay, because men pee standing up, which is not "disgusting."―Michael R. Burch
The schlong and short of it is that Donald Trump is not a mensch but a putz. And he keeps putzing his foot in his mouth.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump's first official act as President will be to ban women peeing, pooping, menstruating and breast feeding. But please rest assured that he continues to "love" and "cherish" women!―Michael R. Burch
After The Donald made vulgar references to male genitals and female body functions, some critics said he behaves like a child. But all the children I know are better behaved than the Trumpamaniac!―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump is not a male chauvinist! He just tells it like it is: either women are not tens and thus beneath his contempt, or they are "beautiful pieces of ass" that he can parade around for awhile, then discard when they begin to show their age. But in any case they should never pee or poop because that is "disgusting"!―Michael R. Burch
The Top Ten Donald Trump Jokes from Roasts
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the second-worst tragedy ever to hit New York City ... Donald Trump!―Seth MacFarlane
You're a grown man, you've got hair like Dennis the Menace ... what's going on here? Did you fall head-first into a cotton candy machine?―Seth MacFarlane
You have made Trump more than a name. You've made it a brand, like Massengil, because you're a bloated stinky douche.―Lisa Lampanelli
You've ruined more models' lives than bulimia. You've disappointed more women than Sex and the City 2.―Lisa Lampanelli
Mr. Trump, you've put up more worthless hotels than an autistic kid playing Monopoly.―Lisa Lampanelli
Trump says he wants to run for president and move into the White House. Why not? It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.―Snoop Dogg
Donald, you're gross, nobody likes you, but you come back every couple of years. Nobody knows why. You're like the McRib.―Whitney Cummings
The Donald and I have a lot in common: we both live in New York, we both play golf, and we both fantasize about his daughter Ivanka.―Jeffrey Ross
I know that he's taken some flack lately, but no one is prouder to put this birth certificate matter to rest than The Donald. And that's because he can finally get back to the issues that matter, like: Did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?―President Barack Obama
We all know about your credentials and breadth of experience. For example—no, seriously—just recently, in an episode of Celebrity Apprentice you didn't blame Lil Jon or Meatloaf—you fired Gary Busey. And these are the kinds of decisions that would keep me up at night.―President Barack Obama
Here's the Second Half of the Top Twenty Donald Trump Jokes
Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching Celebrity Apprentice.―Conan O'Brien
According to Seth Meyers, the title of of Trump's new book, Crippled America, is "still better than the original title: Constipated America."
Crippled America is just a terrible phrase that sounds deeply offensive. Kind of like "President Trump."―Stephen Colbert
Farmers put crippled animals out of their misery; Donald Trump obviously intends to put a "crippled America" out of its collective misery by deporting and killing us in large numbers.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump looks like a "bewigged boiled ham."―Jon Stewart
There's a lotta guys in jail that got captured. I don't wanna vote for no one who got captured ... I wanna vote for the m*f* who got away!―Chris Rock
Donald Trump has pledged to be loyal to the Republican Party, the Green Party and Party Central, as long as they agree to be nice to that thing on his head. If not, all bets are off.―Michael R. Burch
Let's talk about the big orange elephant in the room ... That's humor, Donald, don't tweet, please!―Jeb Bush
Donald Trump berates reporters who aren't "nice" and "fair" to him, and he is particularly peeved at the ones who quote him accurately! How terribly unkind and unfair!―Michael R. Burch
Girlcott him too!
Show the Chump who's boss—
say, "We fire you!"
―Michael R. Burch
Top Ten Jokes from Donald Trump's Appearance on Saturday Night Live
(10) "Many of the greats have hosted this show, like me in 2004."―Donald Trump, opening monologue, Saturday Night Live, November 7, 2016
(9) "He's gonna make America grapes again!"―SNL's Drunk Uncle (perhaps a pun on "sour grapes" and the "grapes of wrath" of the Civil War, which was fought over racism)
"Finally, Colin…someone is saying the things that I have been thinking. As well as, saying. It's like I'm running for President!"―SNL's Drunk Uncle, played by Bobby Moynihan
"He's got money, women, TV shows, plaza, Miss America, orange hair. He's perfect. He's like a big, old, beautiful Monopoly Man."―SNL's Drunk Uncle
(8) "It's hard to be president because the White House is the smallest place Donald and I have ever lived, you know, but we made it work."―President Trump's wife Melania, played by Cecily Strong
(7) The Secretary of the Interior reports White House renovations and dipping the Washington Monument in gold mirrored glass. The work is "ahead of schedule" and "under budget."―Trump's daughter Ivanka as herself
(6) "After your face-to-face meeting, Putin has withdrawn from Ukraine. Believe me, he does not want to be called a loser again. He cried for hours."―Trump's Secretary of State (The Apprentice's Omarosa Manigault)
(5) Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto presents Trump with a check, then says: "As history shows us, nothing brings two countries together like a wall."―SNL's Beck Bennett as President Nieto
Trump hugs Nieto and thanks him for making Telemundo an "all English" channel.
(4) "As a businessman, I can fully respect that."―Trump's response when told that Larry David, playing Bernie Sanders, had heckled him for money (a $5,000 bounty for interrupting the show)
(3) "She said some things about me that were hurtful and untrue. I said some things about her that were mean but completely accurate."―Trump about his nasty remarks about Rosie O'Donnell
(2) Trump shows his "moves" (or lack of them) by "dancing" to Drake's Hotline Bling.
(1) "A lot of people are saying Donald, you're the most amazing guy. You're brilliant, you're handsome, you're rich, you have everything going. The world is waiting for you to be president. So why are you hosting Saturday Night Live? And the answer is, I have really nothing better to do."―Donald Trump
Honorable Mentions from the "White House 2018" segment:
"Prosperity is at an all-time high."
"Everyone loves the new laws you tweeted."
A general reports that ISIS has been completely eliminated, Syria is at peace, the refugees have all returned, and Syrians are "very happy" to have jobs as blackjack dealers at the Trump casino in Damascus.
The American economy is "amazing" and "it's huge!"
"After your tough negotiations with China, we are killing them on trade. They are now borrowing money from us!"
The American people are unhappy. Why? "They're just sick of winning!" a staffer explained. "They're winning so much! It's just too great, sir!"
Perhaps the most honest part of Trump's appearance on SNL comes when he "explains" his astounding "success" as president:
"Well, you know what, I don't have to get specific. With me, it just works, you know, it's magic."
Perhaps his new campaign anthem should be Heart's "Magic Man."
Other Honorable Mentions:
"Like what years are you talking about specifically dude? Whenever rich, old, white guys start bringing up the good old days, my negro senses start tingling. I mean, after all those years of progress, Trump's going to really go with, No, I think we had it right the first time."―Michael Che, on Donald Trump's promise to "make America great again"
Top Ten Donald Trump Tweets from his SNL Appearance
An extremely credible source just told me that Kenan Thompson's birth certificate is a fraud.―Donald Trump "angry tweet"
Sorry folks, but add a 'y' to 'Kenan' and you get 'Kenyan.'―Donald Trump "angry tweet"
Cecily Strong is not funny.―Donald Trump "angry tweet"
Kate McKinnon was born stupid.―Donald Trump "angry tweet"
This sketch is not funny. @TaranKillam is a dumb loser.―Donald Trump "angry tweet"
Who would marry @TaranKillam? He's an over-rated clown.―Donald Trump "angry tweet"
@VanessaBayer is an average talent and a total loser.―Donald Trump "angry tweet"
@VanessaBayer is a lazy performer and should be deported.―Donald Trump "angry tweet"
I love SNL. SNL loves me. But everyone in this sketch is a total loser who can bite my dust.―Donald Trump "angry tweet"
I love the blacks.―Donald Trump "fake love tweet"
Did SNL, Lorne Michaels and NBC put ratings, money and a few laughs above common decency and the best interests of the nation? Would SNL give a platform to the KKK, Nazis, skinheads or anti-semites? Protesters gathered around 30 Rock and the Rockefeller Center in New York City on the Saturday before Trump's episode began, while the president of the National Hispanic Media Coalition, Alex Nogales, released a statement on the situation: "Saturday Night Live is not a news program, it is a cultural touchstone. Providing such a platform for somebody who so clearly holds false and disparaging opinions of so many segments of this country is a dangerous proposition that legitimizes Trump's hateful views and rewards his hate speech." Brent Wilkes, executive director of the League of United Latin American Citizens, agreed: "There's nothing funny about racism. This gentleman has said some very negative, racist things about the Latino community. We believe he's a bigot. He's racist… There's no place for somebody like that on Saturday Night Live." But NBC, despite having promised to end its business relationship with Trump because of his racist remarks about Mexican immigrants, was in no mood to keep its promises if that meant turning down a ratings magnet.
Donald Trump Puns
According to Mel Brooks, Donald Trump is too big too fail ... too important according to needy late-night comedians, that is.
Toupée or not toupée for professional government: that is the hair-raising question created by Donald Trump's candidacy.―Michael R. Burch
Trump appeals to right-wingnuts because when the going gets tough, they wig out.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump has taken the Peter Principle to unprecedented heights. Or depths.―Michael R. Burch
The Peter Principle says that managers rise to the level of their incompetence.
For a larger selection of Donald Trump puns, please click here: The Best Donald Trump Puns
Donald Trump Limericks
There once was a candidate, Trump,
who elected to take to the stump:
"Vote for me, whee!,
because I am ME,
and everyone else is a chump!"
―Michael R. Burch
Things that go bump in the night
fill Trump with irrational fright;
his brain hits the skids;
he cries, "Ban the kids!"
Is cowardice Trump's kryptonite?
―Michael R. Burch
There once was a brash billionaire
who couldn't afford decent hair.
The voters agreed,
"We're nation in need!"
But toupée the price, do we dare?
―Michael R. Burch
Top Ten Descriptions of Donald Trump's Hair
Taj-Ma helmet―David Letterman
Beverly Hills Chihuahua―David Letterman
Carpet Sample―Jay Leno
The Creature―Robin Williams
Faux Fox―Michael R. Burch
Piggy Wiggy―Michael R. Burch
Ivanka Realheddahair―Michael R. Burch
Top Ten Donald Trump Nicknames
Mr. "Art of the Deal"―Donald Trump (taken from the title of his 1987 book)
John Baron―Donald Trump (a pseudonym)
The Donald―Ivana Trump (she first used the term in a 1989 Spy Magazine cover story)
Trump of Doom―Michael R. Burch (first used in a Facebook post on September 4, 2015)
The White Kanye―Bill Maher
The Teflon Don―Michael R. Burch
Comedy Entrapment―Jon Stewart
Job Security―Jimmy Kimmel
Humble―Donald Trump's choice when asked to provide a Secret Service codename
The complete list of Donald Trump nicknames
The Best Descriptions of Donald Trump (or at Least the Most Colorful)
Fuckface von Clownstick.―Jon Stewart
The world's greatest troll.―FiveThirtyEight Politics
Peripatetic political showman.―The Fiscal Times
I am the most fabulous whiner. I do whine, because I want to win.―Donald Trump describing himself on CNN's "New Day" to host Chris Cuomo
John Boehner's tanning partner.―Michael R. Burch
Trump is "the GOP's unhinged front-runner."―Robert Schlesinger, managing editor for opinion at U.S. News & World Report
Trump "has moved from rabble-rousing to demagoguery, or something even uglier."―U.S. News & World Report, quoting a John Cassidy article in The New Yorker
Trump is an "immigrant-bashing carnival barker."―TIME Magazine, quoting presidential candidate Martin O'Malley
Donald Trump is a walking, talking Human Combover sent to earth to seek revenge by Hitler's Moustache.―Michael R. Burch
Venom-drenched regurgitated slimy orange hairball.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump is the Cowardly Lion's enormous Orange Hairball of Fear brought to life by the Wicked Witch of the West.―Michael R. Burch
The Best Donald Trump Jokes of All Time
The second-best Donald Trump joke, in my opinion, was one he told inadvertently while trying to insult Ted Cruz: "You look like [sic] the way he's dealt with the Senate, where he goes in there like ... frankly like a little bit of a maniac. You're never going to get things done that way. You can't walk into the Senate and scream and call people liars and not be able to cajole and get along with people. He'll never be able to get anything done, and that's the problem with Ted." This strikes me as very funny, because what has Trump said about our nation's leaders, who happen to include Senators? Trump has called them "idiots," "clowns," "fools," "dopes," "pathetic," "duds," "weak," "corrupt," etc. He has bragged about "owning" politicians who became his obedient slaves because he gave them campaign contributions. He has insulted their looks, weight, hair, how much they sweat and how much water they drink, even their golf games! Trump has mocked the handicapped, prisoners of war, and even entire nations, races and religions. If Cruz is "a little bit of a maniac," then surely Trump is a "huge honking maniac." If Cruz is unable to get things done because of his insults, what does that suggest about the most insulting man in the history of American politics? After all, according to Trump there is only one worthy American politician: The Donald Himself!
The best joke about the 2015-2016 presidential campaign may have been told sixty years ago, by Adlai Stevenson during his 1956 run for the presidency. When a woman called out, "Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!" the quick-witted Stevenson shouted back, "That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!"
BTW, Adlai Stevenson told another good joke about Trump's sort: "Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that he sometimes has to eat them." But as Bill Maher pointed out, Trump never admits his mistakes (which are legion), never retracts an insult, and never admits that his crazy ideas can't possibly work in the real world. How can anyone applaud his racist, fascist speeches, much less support his candidacy or vote for him? But Germany did elect Hitler, Italy elected Mussolini, and the Japanese public worshiped Hirohito. So it seems that all things, however bizarre, are possible when human beings choose to feel and react, rather than think. The rest of us are left with foxhole humor, which this page will hopefully afford if you continue reading ...
Jokes of the Day, Week and Month
Sean Spicer announced that Devin Nunes's secret visit to the White House was "routine and proper." Spicer added that Donald Trump's groping of non-consenting women was also "routine and proper."
Hey, Trump, guess what? We're not tired of winning yet! Are you getting tired of losing? #TheLoyalOpposition #TheResistance #LoveTrumpsHate
Trump is right about one thing: it is time to repeal and replace ... him! #DumpTrump
Oh the irony that Donald Trump and Paul Ryan have no Plan B!―@margarita (Plan B is the morning after pill, which arch conservatives hate and hope to ban)
This is absolutely YUGE! People are now showing up by the twos and tens at Trump's post-election rallies!
Trump just received 38 new trademarks in China, including one for "escort services." Yes, he is really "hard" on China ... positively rigid!
"Escort services" sounds about right, though one source also calls it "concierge services." Either way, someone is getting screwed. — Walter Einenkel in Daily Kos
Americans keep mishearing Trump. He didn't say that he would be "hard on" Russia and China. He said that he has a "hard on" for Russia and China. — Michael R. Burch #TrumpHardonChina
It's a miracle! When Trump was running for president the employment rate was a hoax and a disaster. Now that he's president, the employment rate is suddenly real, and a very good thing! #TruthTrumped
Donald Trump will have yet another "victory celebration," this time in Nashville. In other news, Nashville's mayor announced that the city will be renamed Gnashville in Trump's honor.
Will Tweety and the Twits be shown the door soon? Will it be the door of a federal prison, for the high crime of treason?―Michael R. Burch
Harry Truman said "The buck stops here!" But when Trump tweets "The muck starts here!"
Why does Trump make all those weird faces when he talks? He is trying very hard not to burst into laughter as he watches millions of people buying his BS.
We've been told that we must eventually accept the election results, so it's time to acknowledge our new acting president: Stephen KKK Bannon.
The ban is on, thanks to Acting President Bannon.―Michael R. Burch
Impeach President Bannon!
Trump is Wilhuff Tarkin, the evil but fragile Death Star commander. Bannon is his forbidding overlord, Darth Vader. The orders are issued in the background by the real mastermind, Emperor Putin.
All Trump's tweets boil down to one simple message: "I am the ANTICHRIST! Praise, worship and obey me while I summon the Apocalypse!"
Six Russian diplomats have died since November and they apparently appeared in Trump's MI6 dossier. While Trump is puttin' on the Ritz, is the KGB Putin on the Hitz?
The KGB is rolling up its Trump operations cell.―Ammo Hauler
Mr. Putin has decided that there must be no loose ends that might endanger the reign of his puppet, Comrade Trumputin.
It is FAKE NEWS that Trump is a know-nothing! Trump does know one thing: he knows how to get know-nothings to vote for him!―Michael R. Burch
Welcome to Lyin'RyanDyin'Care! Welcome to TrumpedUpCare! This is what we get when we elect Re-flub-Lycans.
According to the latest intelligence, Donald Trump is known at the Kremlin as Secret Agent 666, codename THE BEAST.
First, Richard Nixon insisted, "I am not a crook!" Now Donald Trump keeps insisting, "I am not a Russian spy, codenamed Comrade Trumputin!" — Michael R. Burch
George Washington is the father of the United States. Donald Trump is the father of the United States Serving Russia, the new U.S.S.R.
Donald Trump is imploding like a California mudslide, and he's taking the GOP infrastructure down with him.
Scott Pruitt claims carbon dioxide is not the primary cause of global warming. And he should know, because it is clearly the hot air emanating from his empty skull that is doing most of the damage!
Trump complaining about other people's fake news is like Niagara Falls complaining about your faucet dripping.―Michael R. Burch
Trump has infallible hindsight because his head is always up his ass.―Michael R. Burch
Trump is a triumph of de-evolution! He has the attention span of a goldfish, the intelligence of a dodo, the manners of a spitting cobra, the pride of a peacock, and the desire for attention of a hyperactive lapdog.
Friends, please don't act so surprised. This is was what happens when we elect an Orange-Tufted Shit Gibbon president. Now the monkey dances to Organ Grinder Bannon's dark, evil tunes.
Joe Scarborough accused Kellyanne Conway of being a "free agent." But he left out a word: she's a "fact-free agent."―Michael R. Burch
Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway said that if journalism were a "real business, 20% of the media would be fired for making so many mistakes. That's amusing, coming from Miss Misinformation herself!
It’s still difficult to classify Trump exactly: he’s not a classic Nazi, but would burn books if his supporters knew how to read.―Frankie Boyle
If the Queen ever has to shake Trump’s hand, she will put on so many gloves she’ll look like Mickey Mouse.―Frankie Boyle
I think I've got #TrumpTourette's. I know I should "go high" but every time I mention his name, it's followed by cursing! And the only cure is impeachment.―Elizabeth Harris Burch tweet
Is Trump really Putin's Puppet and Bannon's Bitch, or is The Donald his own man-baby?―Michael R. Burch
Kellyanne "Wrongway Conway" has proved that you certainly can put lipstick on a pig, then dress it up in "alternate facts" and watch it oink and boink its way to the presidency.―Michael R. Burch
Trump put Iran "on notice." Apparently he wrote "Please stop!" on a post-it note. Iran was not impressed and fired another missile. Is this the way the world ends: with a whimper then a bang?
Trump tweeted: 'We must keep "evil" out of our country!' We all agree, so let's ban and deport Trump. IMMEDIATELY. BIGLY. YUGELY.
It's interesting that Trump put "evil" in quotation marks, because we do that when we don't consider a term to be applicable. Is Trump really "smarter" than our generals? See what I mean?
The new Republican Party slogan: "Let's party like it's 1999 (BC)!"
Voters were sick of "politics as usual." And they got what they wanted because "nothing in politics is more unusual than Trump."―David Von Drehle
Don't dismiss a Donald Trump presidency. The man knows how to look successful while sitting atop a bankrupt empire.—@badbanana
Just when we think Trump's three-ring circus can't get any more entertaining, a new Bozo tumbles out of the clown car. Rick Perry? Which department? Oops!―Michael R. Burch
In the Spirit of the Christmas Season
Please remember to mail your packages early so the post office has plenty of time to lose them for Christmas.―Johnny Carson
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband!―Joan Rivers
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.―George Carlin
The Supreme Court ruled against a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. Not for religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.―Jay Leno
Santa Claus is working very hard with his elves to make sure every child gets at least one toy this Christmas, or, as Glenn Beck calls it, "socialism."―Jay Leno
Donald Trump says that if he's elected president we'll be saying "Merry Christmas" again. Maybe, but we'll be saying it from our new homes in Canada.―Conan O'Brien
With Donald Trump playing an orange-haired Grinch, how will the Koch brothers be able to gift-wrap the presidency and deliver it to one of their lackeys? Very bad form, Mr. Grinch!―Michael R. Burch
When Donald Trump is president, Santa Claus will only be allowed to deliver presents to rich white Christian kids ... you know, the good ones.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump is Tiny Tim gone over to the Dark Side: "God bless us every one, as long as we're not black, Hispanic, Muslim, gay, liberal, union workers, or women who aren't tens!"―Michael R. Burch
More bad news for the Trumps: this Christmas climate change deniers get only lumps of coal.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump is a YUGE fan of Operation Wetback; once he's created a new Trail of Tears for immigrants, he'll work hard to deport the remaining Native Americans as well.―Michael R. Burch
Bonus Election Tracks
If Donald Trump becomes president, let's be honest and rename his plane Air Farce One, since the United States will have become an international joke.―Elizabeth Harris Burch
Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are political mutants, X-Men. They share the same mysterious superpower: to make previously unthinkable candidates seem acceptable.―Michael R. Burch
If you are a true conservative. Don’t vote for Trump. He is not one of you. He is one of him. He is playing you.―Louis C. K.
Max Boot is giving—well, the maximum boot—to Donald Trump by calling him a fascist.―Max Boot
Ted Cruz is clinging to Trump like a limpet to an oil tanker, hoping to suck up his votes when Trump eventually sinks.―Bobby Jindal
Which would be the greater catastrophe for the Republican Party: Trump the Defector or Trump the Nominee? Don't you just love the smell of irony in the morning! ―Michael R. Burch
Even more ironic, there are rumors that Trump is "cash poor" and may have to accept donations (bribes, according to The Donald) to stay in the race.―Michael R. Burch
Bratman to the Rescue! KAPOW!
We really need a better nickname for Donald Trump than "The Donald," which sounds silly, pompous and pretentious. Well, okay, Trump is silly, pompous and pretentious. But still, Americans are innovators, so surely we can do better! I had taken to calling him the "Trump of Doom," which seems kinda cute and quite appropriate, since he keeps insisting that the United States is on its last legs and he alone can save it. I also like "Hair Hitler" because Trump sounds like the second coming of Adolph Hitler, he has the world's oddest hair (or hairpiece), and I find the Herr/Hair pun amusing. But I have come to the conclusion that, because Trump seems to be convinced that he has superpowers, he really ought to have a superhero nickname. After much intense pondering, I believe I have found the perfect moniker to match his superpowers: Bratman! After all, Tump's superpowers are whining, making stupid faces, insulting people, and generally acting as if he never grew out of his terrible twos. Trump admitted as much when he revealed his most awesome ability to an astonished world: "I am the most fabulous whiner! I do whine because I want to win! And I'm not happy if I'm not winning! I'm a whiner and I keep whining and whining until I win!" Mr. Trump has promised that Mr. Putin will do his bidding. How will he accomplish this seemingly impossible feat? He will hop into his Bratmobile, burn rubber to the hairport, board Hair Force One (attended of course by several imported Scandinavian supermodels), sip some super-expensive Trump mineral water, and plug in to recharge the source of his power: the implanted nuclear-powered whine generator that long ago replaced his heart. Mr. Putin doesn't stand a chance of holding up against all the fabulous whining to come; Bratman will save the day, KAPOW!; and I will have to can the "Trump of Doom" nickname forever, which I will be more than happy to do! If, on the other hand, Bratman's powers of whining until resistance proves futile are not as effective as advertised, I propose that we call him "Donald Duck," because everyone around him will have to constantly duck to avoid The Donald's other superpower: expelling enormous volumes of vile-smelling incendiary hot air. It will be like having Smaug in the White House!
Donald Trump's latest, greatest idea is pure genius! After we have thrown away the Constitution and freedom of religion by banning Muslims, we should double down and ban freedom of speech as well! It's past time to start "closing that Internet up"! Who needs it? It has no possible use, other than as a tool for extremist recruiting! Just turn the damn thing off and watch the official Trump broadcasts on real television! Quick, call Bill Gates and tell him to shut down that pesky Internet contraption! Everyone knows he invented it, owns it and controls it! But what about Americans who favor freedom of speech? According to Herr Führer Trump "these are foolish people!" So the American founding fathers were idiots, not smart like The Donald! Does Trump know that it's called "the Internet," not "that Internet"? Is he aware that his beloved Tweets require "that Internet"? Does he realize that he is only able to Tweet lies and nonsense because of documents called the Constitution and Bill or Rights? Has anyone informed him that the president of the United States must take an oath to protect and uphold those rights for all Americans?―Michael R. Burch
A strange bewigged fascist, Herr Trump,
professed not to sweat, piss or dump.
One day, overloaded,
the fascist exploded.
Now everyone calls him Hair Clump.
―Michael R. Burch
Some of the best Donald Trump jokes are the ones he makes of himself, through his oafish, boorish behavior. Here's what the Trumpster said about Hillary Clinton during a campaign event in Grand Rapids, Michigan: "She was going to beat Obama ... She was going to beat ... she was favored to win ... and she got schlonged. She lost. She lost." (Never mind that Trump has four bankruptcies and many other failures on his résumé, including Trump University, Trump Airlines, Trump Vodka, Trump Steaks, Trump Mortgage, Trump the Game, etc.) Trump also rudely and crudely mocked Clinton for taking a bathroom break during a debate: "I thought she gave up! Where did she go? Where did Hillary go? They had to start the debate without her. Phase II. I know where she went. It's disgusting. I don't want to talk about it." Then why bring it up, Mr. I Never Have to Pee Because My Schlong is Perfect Like the Rest of Me? (The Donald reminds me of a child who, having been informed that his mother urinates, has a temper tantrum in disbelief.) Trump's zany "speech" was interrupted by protestors whose freedom of speech was denied when they were ejected by Trump's brownshirts. Herr Führer Trump, who does like anyone to contradict him or point out his mistakes, suggested that the protesters might be "drugged out" and chided another group for being "so weak" they didn't resist directions to leave. The Trumpamaniac has stripped away and tossed aside any remaining shreds of sanity and decency. The would-be emperor is now running around in public, entirely sans clothes, waving his schlong, screaming "Look at me! Vote for me!" Some Americans have been gullible enough to take Trump as a serious candidate, but I suppose even in their madness King George and Nero had followers.
Look at me!
I am SUPERMAN!
And I never have to pee,
like icky girls
―Michael R. Burch
Trump "Solution" Jokes
When Obama was president, a 4.8% jobless rate was "totally fiction" and the "real" rate was around 42%. But now that Trump is president, virtually the same rate (4.7%) is suddenly solid gold and the gospel truth!
The GOP's Unaffordable No Care Act will be known unofficially as TrumpedUpCare and Lyin'RyanDyin'Care, since both Trump and Ryan will claim credit for it ... until it implodes.
TrumpedUpCare's biggest losers, ironically, will be Trump's supporters. Obama was Evil Incarnate for trying to help them. Trump is an Angel for sentencing them to slow, lingering deaths. Go figure.
#TrumpedUpCare is #WealthCare, not healthcare.
Obama did care about the less fortunate. Trump only cares about the fortunate, like Himself, and thus his plan is #NoMamaCare.
The Congressional Budget Office confirmed what we already knew: Trump and the GOP don't care whether we live or die, and #TrumpedUpCare proves it.
Trump supporters evidently believe that the only people losing healthcare will be "those people." They are about to learn that they are "those people" to Trump, Ryan and the GOP.
Lyin' Ryan told the truth for a change: he admitted to Rich Lowry that he has been dreaming of cutting Medicaid since he started drinking out of kegs. Here's a toast to all the people Lyin' Ryan will kill. Skoal.
According to Paul Ryan, covering more people is just a "beauty contest." And of course Trump is the King of beauty contests. The more attractive female patients will be ogled and groped; the rest can die and go to hell for all that Tricky Trump and Lyin' Ryan care.
Donald was once a popular name in Scotland, but no longer. Donald is going the way of the German name Adolf, and for the same reason.
Now we know why Trump wanted to become president: so he could claim "immunity" and pardon himself for multiple cases of sexual assault!
Since Trump and Ryan weren't able to kill millions quickly by taking away their healthcare, they have opted to kill billions slowly by polluting the earth till it fries us to crisps.
Trump declared the "start of a new era" in which coal mining trumps clean energy. That's like preferring ox-drawn plows to tractors and combines, only with deadlier consequences.
Trump likes to style himself not only as a dealmaker, but as "the closer." But he's closer to a loser after his primary initiatives have failed miserably.
Trump has a "Big Agenda." It's absolutely YUGE. Amerika's Reverse Robin Hood will rob the poor and give liberally to the super-rich. That, apparently, makes him a conservative!
TrumpedUpCare is the reverse of real healthcare: it offers smaller premiums to very healthy people and allows everyone else to wither and die. Will Trump and Ryan kill someone you love?
When Trump and Pence met with the far-right House Freedom Caucus, a room full of men stood and cheered a plan that would strip women and babies of maternity and prenatal care. Go, boys, go!
Senator Charles Schumer: "Ultimately, the TrumpCare bill failed because of two traits that have plagued the Trump presidency since he took office: incompetence and broken promises. In my life, I have never seen an administration as incompetent as the one occupying the White House today. They can't write policy that actually makes sense, they can't implement the policies they do manage to write, they can't get their stories straight, and today we've learned that they can't close a deal, and they can't count votes. So much for the Art of the Deal. I also have never seen a President break as many promises to working people as this President has done in just over two months. President Trump said we're going to have health insurance for everyone that's going to cost less. TrumpCare would have done exactly the opposite. This bill would have been a boon for the wealthy, providing a huge tax cut for Americans making over $250,000, while causing premiums to rise by more than $12,000 for lower income seniors. Today should be the last day the cloud of TrumpCare hangs over the American people.
More Election Jokes
Donald Trump says he "loves" the poorly educated. And why not, since they enrolled in his scammy Trump University and paid him 35k apiece? Now they're buying his political swampland.―Michael R. Burch
Recent polls reveal that Teddy Cruzer has replaced Freddy Krueger as America's greatest nightmare.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump believes that if people cheer for him, it must be great, it must be yuuuge! He forgets that people once cheered for Hitler, Mussolini, Lenin, Stalin, Chairman Mao, Saddam Hussein.―Michael R. Burch
Mitt Romney had binders full of women; John Kasich had kitchens full of women; Donald Trump had pageants full of women; but Creepy Ted Cruz can't get his own family to touch him.―Michael R. Burch
Sarah Palin is proudly clinging to her God, her Guns and her Constitution ... what she no longer clings to are the tattered vestiges of her sanity.―Michael R. Burch
Ralph Reed correctly stated that "Palin's brand among evangelicals is as gold as the faucets in Trump tower." How true, since both have such remarkably thin veneers.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump just tweeted that the Pope is a dope, he doesn't stand a chance at golf, and he's a yuuuge loser because he's never had a "beautiful piece of ass."―Michael R. Burch
The campaign for Complainer-in-Chief is heating up; the chief Republican complaint being that conservative Christians have been denied the right to discriminate against more rational people.―Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz's campaign is in serious trouble, so he's hauling out the heavy guns: Phil Robertson, Jethro, Granny, Mary Ann and Gilligan. Professors need not apply.―Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz, the proud wacko bird, has pledged to defend the U.S. military from gluten-free meals; The Donald immediately trumped him by saying, "Let them eat Trump Cake!"―Michael R. Burch
Creepy Ted Cruz reminds me of a funeral parlor manager trying to sell a distraught family his most expensive casket.―Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz has been accused of leaving cruzz―a sticky, smelly, skuzzy crud―on everything he touches.―Michael R. Burch
The Republican establishment hated Donald Trump ... until they determined the alternative was Ted Cruz. Now Trump is their guy! King Cobra Cruz has that sort of effect on people.―Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz has fully embraced the Dark Side of the Force. He's the Darth Vader of American politics, albeit on the Rick Moranis, Spaceball-ish side.―Michael R. Burch
The Donald says Marco Rubio can't be president because he's an anchor baby and has to be deported; also, he's too soggy for Mr. Trump's best bud, Mr. Putin.—Michael R. Burch
In addition to proving that he is a natural-born American citizen, I believe Ted Cruz should be forced to prove that he is warm-blooded and has a viable heart.―Michael R. Burch
It's very true that Ted Cruz is a man of conviction: he's convicted that it's his way or the highway for those of us with functional hearts and brains.―Michael R. Burch
Recent polls suggest that a Cuban-Canadian president fathered by a Castro fundraiser may not rank all that high on the shopping lists of American voters, after all.―Michael R. Burch
Under a Cruz Controller administration, independent thinking will no longer be optional ... it will absolutely not be allowed!―Michael R. Burch
Ted Carnival Cruz and the Creep Cruzettes will now perform their smash hit, "Let's Carpet Bomb Syria to See if the Sands Glow at Night!"―Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz was obviously planted as a double agent by Fidel Castro as revenge for the Bay of Pigs. Well played, Cuba! Today shutdowns, speaking Spanish mañana!―Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz claims there aren't many conservatives in Manhattan. Perhaps, but then there aren't many creepy Liberace impersonators in the White House either.―Michael R. Burch
Donald, the Trump of Doom,
garnishes each speech with a poisonous mushroom:
"Come, help make America grate!
Stir in some fear! Mix in some hate!
'Cause I know (from my lack of experience)
that these are the perfect ingredients!
Having owned casinos, Donald Trump knows that the house always wins; that's why he wants to control the biggest house of all: the White House.―Michael R. Burch
Playing into the Hands of ISIS
Trump thinks he is being tough on ISIS [but] Donald Trump is in effect the recruiter-in-chief for ISIS. ISIS wants nothing more right now than to have the world divided into Judeo-Christian on one side and Muslim on the other. That is exactly what Trump is doing for them. I think it's time we started thinking about what ISIS wants and then not doing it.―Ted Koppel
Is Donald Trump a Cartoon Character?
is a Grinch and a Grump
but he's far worse than any cartoon:
he's a cancerous mass
in a talking ass
and he claims he'll kill children soon.
―Michael R. Burch
Why I Am Truly Thankful for Donald Trump
Christmas is coming,
Tycoons are getting fat;
Please put a scepter
In the Fat Cat's Hat ...
―Michael R. Burch
High Energy Hysteric
The Donald is far from lazy:
he's ultra-high-energy crazy!
And since he talks out of his ass
he spews lots of high-octane gas.
He wants to kill widows and orphans!
Is his brain jacked up on endorphins
or is he as cruel as he sounds
as his nose grows by leaps and bounds?
―Michael R. Burch
Dark Humor: Fascists of a Feather
Fascists of a feather
―Michael R. Burch
There is a joke here, but it's dark humor that bears explanation, so here goes. I'm an editor and publisher of Holocaust poetry and Trump reminds me of megalomaniacal fascists like Hitler, Stalin and Kim Jung Un.
Buyer beware ...
of fascists with grand delusions,
and bizarre hair!
―Michael R. Burch
Trump of Doom
Trump sounds like a very sick puppy to me: the kind that likes to lick up and eat its own vomit and feces. And because he's so full of s**t, there's an endless supply of material for him to regurgitate and recycle.
Donald, the Trump of Doom,
doesn't belong in the White House,
but in a nicely padded white room.
―Michael R. Burch
Trump, you're no "star."
Putin made you an American Czar.
Now, if we continue down this dark path you've chosen,
pretty soon we'll all be wearing lederhosen.
―Michael R. Burch
The White House resident
is NOT my president.
If you vote for Republicans
that makes you reflublicans!
They don't care like Obama,
not even for your momma.
They'll toss her in the dump,
bowing down to King Trump
in the ritzy Rose Garden
as he writes himself a pardon.
―Michael R. Burch
Top Ten Jokes on American Voters
There are the top ten bad jokes on American voters, by Republican presidential candidates (these are actual "plans" advocated by people like Trump, Carson, Cruz, Rubio, et al) ...
Turn American soldiers into hunters and serial killers of widows and orphans, in violation of the Geneva Conventions, human decency and common sense.―Donald Trump of Doom
Mass murder women and children by carpet-bombing the Middle East with nukes to see if the sands will glow at night.―Ted Cruz Missile
Shoot down a Russian plane that accidentally wanders into a Middle Eastern no-fly zone to "see what will happen."―Welcome to WWIII, courtesy of Crazy Ben Carson
Force pregnant girls and women to die rather than letting them have life-saving abortions, even though in most cases the fetuses would also die.―Mad Marco Rubio and other "fetal personhood" advocates
Deport 11 million people without due process, including women and children, creating a new, bigger Holocaust.―Ronald McDonald Trump-Bozo
Throw out freedom of religion ("ban all Muslims!") and freedom of speech ("close that Internet up!") because "security" must "rule" and we must do "unthinkable" things.―The Donald trumps the Constitution
Reject the Iran peace deal in order to fight another unwinnable trillion-dollar war on the same false premises as the war with Iraq.―Proposed by the entire GOP
Ignore the very clear evidence of global warming and the advice of climate scientists, risking a world so hot that our children and grandchildren may not be able to venture outside.―Proposed by the entire GOP
Always favor the super-rich over the poor and middle classes on the theory that a little money will "trickle down" in an economic "golden shower."―Proposed by the entire GOP
Spend trillions on new wars, but get rid of things we "can't afford" like Obamacare, Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, National Parks, the EPA, etc.―Pat Lyin' Ryan and other GOP big shots
I don't believe in evolution ... but I do believe that the pyramids are giant grain silos, even though they're too far from the fields and population centers to be of any use!―Crazy Ben Carson
My brother was a great president ... who cares about an unwinnable trillion-dollar war started on false premises that destroyed Iraq and led to the rise of ISIS?―Jeb Bush-whacker
I am a very, very proud wacko bird ... now please vamoose while I carpet-bomb women and children with nukes to see if the sand will glow at night!―Ted Carnival Cruz of Death and Destruction
[The president] will take the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven.―Mike Huckster-bee (Israel has nukes on submarines and could destroy Iran several times over if attacked.)
Health insurance is slavery!―Crazy Ben Carson and Rand Paul (Haven't we had mandatory car insurance for decades? Is that "slavery" too? Why didn't you object to car insurance, bozos?)
Women who are not perfect tens and men who sweat are not qualified to be president, but then only THE DONALD is anyway!―Ronald McDonald Trump-o'-Doom
The Donald has proven that the myth of the "liberal media" is just that: a myth. The current "reality" news in his own words is "All Trump all the time." Any possible voices of sanity have been drowned out. Insanity rules, as it did during Hitler's ascendency.―Michael R. Burch
Sieg Heil, Herr Hitler! Or should it be "Hair" Hitler, as some of the cartoonists now have it? Herr Führer Trump continues to sound more and more like Adolph Hitler. And like "singers" on American Idol who are tone deaf to their musical incompetence, our Hair Hitler seems to be tone deaf to his shrill, strident bigotry. Trump continues to insist that he loves "the blacks," "the Hispanics" and "the Jews" even as he insults them at every turn. And he continues to insist that they "love" him in return, even though the polls say otherwise. Herr Hitler lived in a world of delusions where the dark, dirty, dangerous Jews were responsible for all the problems of white Germans. Now, according to Hair Hitler, white Christians are the cat's meow, while people with darker skin are the "problem." Like Adolph, Herr Führer Trump insists that the "solution" is to separate the races and banish the "bad" people without due process. Like Adolph, he uses fear, lies and racist propaganda, while ignoring any facts he finds inconvenient. How wonderfully well did things work out for Nazi Germany? Not so well, because Adolph Hitler was a high-energy hysteric, not a deep thinker. Hair Hitler is also a high-energy hysteric with zany "ideas." Caveat emptor! (Buyer, beware!)
As Roger Cohen recently pointed out: "The Weimar Republic ended with a clown's ascent to power, a high-energy buffoon who shouted loudest, a bully from the beer halls, a racist and a bigot. He was an outsider given to theatrics and pageantry." Back then no one dreamed that a funny-looking high-energy buffoon like Adolph Hitler would start a war destined to leave much of the world in ruins and kill 70 million people. No one foresaw the horrors of the Holocaust. Now it seems possible that it can happen again, unless the American people exercise much better judgement.
"Button! Button! Who's got the button?"―Ted Cruz recently suggested that wild men like Donald Trump and Ben Carson cannot be trusted with the nuclear button and codes.
"Maniac! Maniac! Who's the little maniac?"―Donald Trump of Doom quickly countered that Mr. Cruz Missile is the real maniac.
But what if they're both right, and all three Republican frontrunners for president are insane?
GOP Christmas Carol
Christmas is coming,
tycoons are getting fat!
Please put a scepter
in the Fat Cat's Hat!
If you haven't got a scepter,
a tyrant's crown will do,
but if you're not a Christian,
then may GOD bless GOP damn you!
Christmas is coming,
tycoons are getting fat!
Please grab an Uzi
and make Muslims scat!
If you can't deport a Muslim,
any dark-skinned child will do!
If you can't afford an Uzi,
then may GOD bless GOP damn you!
―lyrics updated for the 2015 GOP Christmas Card by Michael R. Burch
why the insanity?
Is it really "good news"
when fascists enthuse,
or is it a calamity?
―Michael R. Burch
Sean Hannity's website proclaims the "good news" that large numbers of Republicans believe Donald "Trump of Doom" will win the Republican presidential nomination and the general election. Not so very long ago, large numbers of Germans favored Hitler, most Italians adored Mussolini, and the Japanese public worshipped Emperor Hirohito. How did things work out for those other enthusiastic masses and their idols? What happens when people fall in love with fascists? Fascists tell their followers what they want to hear: that they are simultaneously "supermen" and "victims," and that all the world's problems can be attributed to other people, whether Jews, blacks, Hispanics, Muslims, homosexuals, liberals, socialists, et al. Hitler convinced German white supremacists that getting rid of Jews and Gypsies was the glorious path to national salvation. The result was the Holocaust. Now Herr Trump is preaching the same rabidly intolerant message to a very similar choir. And of course fascists love war and the trappings of war. Herr Trump proudly proclaims himself "the most militant person on the planet" as if that is a good thing. He speaks calmly (if not rationally) about having the U.S. military hunt down the widows and orphans of dead terrorists in order to "take them out" (murder) or make them "suffer" in "retribution." Hitler murdered Jewish women and children and caused them to suffer in terrible acts of "retribution," punishing them for the "sin" of being born into the "wrong" race and religion. Will Americans open their eyes to these dark parallels, or will they make another madman the most powerful person on the planet? The jury is still out ...
Top Ten Jokes on American Voters
(10) Donald Trump claims to have "seen" people leaping from the Twin Towers, from four miles away, though a thick curtain of smoke: just one of his many self-alleged superpowers!
(9) Trump insists that he saw "thousands and thousands" of American Muslims celebrating the 9-11 attacks on TV. But where are the clips? The networks, reporters, police, firemen, mayors and governors all say it didn't happen. Did every courageous American who responded on 9-11suddenly become a cowardly, treasonous liar, or does Trump just make up racist BS in order to frighten gullible white people into voting for him?
(8) Trump claims to love "the blacks" and "the Hispanics" and he insists they love him in return. Ha! Study the polls, Donald Denial. Minorities don't "love" you because they know a bigot when they see one.
(8) Trump called for Bill Gates to "close that Internet up," so he not only wants to throw away freedom of religion, but freedom of speech as well. Does he think Gates invented, owns and controls the Internet?
(8) Marco Rubio recently opposed sane gun control laws by saying, "I don't hear anybody talking about bomb control!" (Does Wal-Mart sell assembled pipe and fertilizer bombs, Rube?)
(7) Tough-talking Republican presidential candidates recently became quivering bundles of fear, insisting that the earth's most powerful nation cannot provide shelter even to widows and orphans.
(6) How can they claim to be able to stare down Mr. Putin when they quiver in fear at the sight of Syrian toddlers?
(5) Herr Trump threatened to throw out the Constitution, Bill of Rights, common sense and decency, insisting that "security must rule" and "unthinkable" things must be done, in the form of Nazi police state policies.
(4) Herr Trump would also create a new, larger Holocaust by rounding up and deporting 11 million people without due process, including children who are American citizens according to the 14th Amendment.
(3) Ben Carson trumped the Teflon Don by saying he would order drones to bomb caves where illegal immigrants hide: "One drone strike, BOOM!, and they'd be gone!"
(2) Donald Trump upped the racist ante by saying that as Command-in-Chief of the US military, he would "take out" women and children and make them "suffer" in "retribution" for acts of terrorism by other people.
(1) Ted Cruz trumped the Trump of Doom, saying he would "utterly destroy" ISIS by "carpet bombing" until the sands "glowed," presumably with nukes, killing god-knows-how-many women and children in the process.
Even Trump's natural allies are growing weary and alarmed of his incessant blabbermouth act. Fox News host Bill O'Reilly challenged Donald Trump on his "spin-free zone," saying Trump's call for a ban of all Muslims entering the country is insulting to an entire religion and can hurt the effort to get Arab countries involved in the fight against the real problem: fairly small numbers of extremists: "You are hurting the United States' position against ISIS. We need the friendly Muslim nations. You can't insult them like that," O'Reilly said.
A Night of Bad Jokes
Donald Trump is an equal opportunity stereotyper: first women, immigrants, blacks, Muslims, refugees and the disabled ... now Jews! Trump has said some crazy things in his run for president, and has done a lot of pandering to white supremacists, but his appearance at the Republican Jewish Coalition was still something to behold. It was one yuuuuge, offensive mistake after another! Trump was booed, jeered, and met with uncomfortable laughter and periods of stony silence by the perplexed crowd. Trump opened his anti-Semitic act by saying: "You just like me because my daughter happens to be Jewish." He soon dropped a big hint that Jews care more about money and controlling politicians than their country, saying: "I don't want your money, therefore you're probably not going to support me." Later, he raised the level of insensitivity to unprecedented heights: "Stupidly, you want to give money. Trump doesn't want money. Even though he's better than all these guys, even though he's going to do more for Israel than anybody else." Then again: "You're not going to support me even though I would be the best thing that could ever happen to Israel." Trump, like so many other conspiracy theorists, knows that Jews by nature want to control the world: "You're not gonna support me because I don't want your money. You want to control your politicians." Ari Fleischer, Press Secretary to former President George W. Bush, found such assertions "offensive" and a "woeful misread" of the Republican Jewish Coalition. Some audience members obviously found Trump's racist stereotypes offensive: during the speech, attendees could be seen shaking their heads in disbelief and burying their faces in their hands. The eyebrow-raising comments kept coming, as when Trump told the room that he's a negotiator "like you folks." Trump, like all savvy anti-Semites, knows that a roomful of Jews must contain a huge majority of Shylocks: "We have a deal instinct, a lot of us." How many Shylocks? Trump actually estimated the percentage, saying: "Is there anybody that doesn't renegotiate deals in this room? This room negotiates them, probably more than any other room I've ever spoken in ... Probably 99% of you!" No doctors, nurses, teachers or philanthropists, only deal-makers in a room full of Jews! How did Trump do, with such comments? Predictably, he crowed that he "totally won." Yes, of course "the Jews" now love Trump, just as "the blacks" and "the Latinos" do! Or perhaps not ...
@Bencjacobs: You have to give plaudits to Donald Trump for chutzpah. Who else gives a borderline anti-Semitic speech at the Republican Jewish Coalition?
@AriFleischer: "You're not going to support me because I don't want your money." What the hell does that mean?
@ChemiShalev: Trump spit on a Jewish audience and everyone pretended they were in a water park!
@TimesOfIsrael: Trump courts Republican Jews with offensive stereotypes!
There are more jokes by professional and amateur comedians elsewhere on this page, including the best jokes from Trump's appearance on Saturday Night Live. But first let's consider some very amusing things Trump has said himself ...
Some of the best Donald Trump jokes are things he has said about the Great Wall of Mexico, which he now proposes to name the "Trump Wall" in his own honor: "It's going to be a Trump Wall. It's going to be a real wall. And it's going to stop people and it's going to be good." According to Trump, the wall will be "doable," "cheap" and "humane." It will have a "big beautiful nice door." And best of all, Mexico will pay for it! Yeah, right. As John Kasich said, "Come on, folks, we all know you can't pick them up and ship them back across the border. It's a silly argument, it's not an adult argument." Trump says the mass deportations will be complete within two years. But as Jeb Bush pointed out, it is impractical to deport approximately half a million people per month for two years. That's like deporting the entire state of Ohio. It would require enormous concentration camps like those employed by the Nazis during the Holocaust. Without due process, many American citizens would be rounded up and deported, in violation of the Constitution. Even arch-conservative Republican mouthpiece Bill O'Reilly says mass deportations are unconstitutional: "That's not going to happen because the 14th Amendment says if you're born here, you're an American and you can't kick Americans out. And then if you wanted to deport the people already here, each and every one are [sic] entitled to due process, and it would take decades to do that, and gazillions of dollars, and the courts would block you at every turn. You must know all that." But Trump is a know-nothing who ignores reality and inconvenient facts while claiming to have a magic wand to zap problems away. His deportation plan is a joke, a very sick joke. If the wall is built it should indeed be named after its creator: the
Trump Wall of Shame.
The joke is on anyone who thinks Trump cares about the truth. For instance, he recently sent out a tweet claiming that 81% of white American homicide victims were murdered by blacks, while 97% of black homicide victims were murdered by blacks. The obvious racist inference of "statistics" which originated with a Neo-Nazi organization is that nearly everyone murdered in the United States is killed by a black person. But an FBI report says that in 2014 the percentage of blacks murdered by blacks (89.9%) was similar to the percentage of whites murdered by whites (82.3%). So according to the FBI, Trump is full of s**t. And Trump is not the only Republican presidential candidate who plays fast and loose with the truth. Ben Carson just makes up s**t and presents it as "fact." Carly Fiorina (aka CarLIE FIBorina) lied through her teeth about the video she cited being of an abortion and organ harvesting; it was a clip of a stillborn baby that doctors had been trying to save. Planned Parenthood was not involved. Alexis Fretz, the mother, took the photo in 2013 and posted it on the Internet to memorialize the son she named Walter.
The joke is also on anyone who thinks Trump favors free speech. At his first campaign event in Ohio, Trump extolled the virtues of torture (waterboarding) and insisted that the American government needs to keep "lists" of Muslim refugees. Two people in the audience exercised their First Amendment rights by booing. Trump deemed this "unbelievable" and "so sad," flashed a thumb signal to have them removed, then finally said: "Go ahead and get them the hell out." The audience applauded Trump's decision to toss out the Bill of Rights along with the protestors. What will happen to us when we disagree with Trump, if he becomes the world's most powerful human being?
Retired Air Force Col. Tom Moe, a former Vietnam POW, warned about the danger Trump's candidacy poses by paraphrasing the famous anti-Nazi remarks by German pastor Martin Niemöller: "You might not care if Donald Trump says Muslims should register with their government, because you're not one. And you might not care if Donald Trump says he's going to round up all the Hispanic immigrants, because you're not one. And you might not care if Donald Trump says it's okay to rough up black protesters, because you're not one. And you might not care if Donald Trump wants to suppress journalists, because you're not one. But think about this: If he keeps going, and he actually becomes president, he might just get around to you. And you better hope there's someone left to help you." Before Moe's warning, I had written the poem below ...
First Herr Trump came for the anchor babies,
but I was not Hispanic, so I did not speak out.
Next Herr Trump came for the child refugees,
but I was not a Muslim, so I did not speak out.
Then Herr Trump came for the women who are not tens,
but I am not a woman, so I did not speak out.
Finally, Herr Trump came for everyone who is not like him,
and there was no one left to defend me.
—Michael R. Burch
Sarah Palin told an amusing joke recently when she claimed that "Jesus would fight for our Second Amendment." She seems to have missed the fact that according to the Bible, Jesus never "carried" a sword himself and never "fought" anyone even when his own life was at stake. When Peter used a sword to defend him, Jesus told him to put it away. Palin seems to have confused Jesus with Rambo.
The best Ben Carson joke so far is that he has been "much more strenuously vetted" than President Obama ever was. Why does Carson appear to be constantly misinformed? Probably because he gets his "facts" from Faux News.
Carson has joined Trump in stereotyping Muslim refugees, comparing them to a "rabid dog" in the neighborhood. According to Carson we should engage our intellects when we see a rabid dog. But if I see a rabid dog, should I jump to the conclusion that all dogs have rabies? That seems to be the "intellectual" process that takes place when right-wing wackos see Muslims. They don't want to be bothered by the fact that if one in a million dogs has rabies, there is no need to deport or quarantine all dogs. Rather, we should watch for aberrant behavior in individual dogs and single them out for special attention.
A common joke that Trump and Carson share is the bitterness of their complaints when the media quotes what they have said publicly. Trump accused Megyn Kelly of "unfairness" for quoting his public insults of women. Carson claims that he is being treated far less fairly than President Obama when for the most part the media is just quoting what he said himself. How is that "unfair" considering the intense public scrutiny of Democrats like Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and President Obama? It seems the pot is calling the kettle black, since Republicans have been at the forefront of the investigations of Democrats. I am reminded of the bully who whines and sniffles when he gets his nose bloodied by someone willing to trade blows with him.
Another endlessly amusing Ben Carson joke is the one about him being ready to become president of the United States. He obviously subscribes to zany conspiracy theories and is woefully weak on foreign policy. The latter was recently confirmed by one of his advisers: "Nobody has been able to sit down with him and have him get one iota of intelligent information about the Middle East," Duane R. Clarridge, an adviser to Carson on terrorism and national security, said in an interview. He also said that Carson requires weekly briefings on foreign policy so "we can make him smart." But how can anyone help a man so gullible that he believes the pyramids of Egypt were grain silos, that Obamacare is the "worst thing" to happen to America since slavery (what about the Civil War, World War I, World War II, 9-11, etc.?), that Planned Parenthood was created to eliminate black Americans, and that Jews could have prevented the Holocaust if only they had the right to bear arms (can massively outnumbered civilians armed with revolvers and rifles withstand panzers and fighter planes, when the militaries of powerful nations like France could not?).
Ben Carson is such a crackpot that he would shoot down down a Russian plane if it accidentally violated a U.S.-led no-fly zone over Syria, risking an unnecessary war: "If they violate it, we will, in fact, enforce it. We'll see what happens. For us to always be backing down because we're afraid of a conflict, that's not how we became a great nation." Should our foreign policy be to shoot down planes to "see what happens," really? According to Crazy Ben Carson, the U.S. became a great nation by having a hair trigger and rushing into avoidable wars. Trump and Carson seem to be in a competition to become the biggest, brashest bully on the international block.
Shortly after Carson said that he would shoot down Russian planes to see what happens, Turkey shot down a Russian fighter. Does anyone really think anything good will come of that? But even Mr. Putin recognized the futility of going to war over a mistake in judgment. Rather than attacking Turkey with Russia's powerful military, he banned Russian tourists from entering Turkey, an action that will cost Turkey a lot of money. Putin is wiser than Carson because he recognizes that military actions can cause more problems than they correct.
Trump recently called himself the "most militaristic person on the [debate] stage, despite the presence of Lindsey Graham who wants to put American boots on the ground to fight four wars simultaneously in the Middle East (in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran and Syria), leaving troops there "for as long as it takes." Jeb Bush is so militaristic that he has hired some of the same neo-con security advisers who recommended that his brother's administration invade Iraq. Ted Cruz has threatened to introduce Iran's supreme leader to the 72 virgins (i.e., to assassinate a head of state). Trump claims to be more militaristic than a screeching bevy of war hawks and also said, "I love the fact that Putin is bombing the hell out of somebody."
And just how "tough" are the Republican presidential candidates, really, if they are terrified of allowing refugee women and children to enter the United States? Chris Christie is intimidated by toddlers: "I don't think orphans under five are being, you know, should be admitted into the United States at this point." But Trump, Carson and Cruz are even more cowardly, as they would ban ALL Syrian refugees, including women, toddlers and babies. How can politicians leap from claiming to be able to stare down Putin, to quivering in abject fear of babies? The bad joke is on us, if we elect them to our nation's highest office.
Another unfunny Trump joke is the one about people being safer if an entire stadium is armed and civilian Rambos start shooting when terrorists attack. Suppose everyone in the Paris stadium had been armed: how many of them would have shot each other in the chaos, having no idea which people firing weapons were terrorists? It would be very dangerous for trained professionals to fire weapons in a crowded stadium, much less civilians. If hundreds or thousands of untrained civilians started shooting, the death count of innocents would surely go up, not down.
Another bad joke is the one in which Trump insists that everyone else must be "nice" to him, while he gets personal and insults anyone he pleases: calling Marco Rubio "weak as a baby" and ridiculing him for sweating during debates, comparing Ben Carson to a child molester, calling Megyn Kelly a "bimbo," and acting as if women should be judged by Trump's estimation of their looks rather than their character and accomplishments. Hell, he even insults entire nations and races, using insensitive terms like "the blacks." He is tone deaf to his lack of sensitivity and defends indefensible insults by saying he's not a slave to "political correctness." But it is not "politically incorrect" to suggest that Rubio is "weak as a baby" or that Carly Fiorina should not be president because of "that face." Such comments are indecent. If a student said such things during class, a good teacher would force him to apologize, then make him sit in the corner until he was ready to act decently. Now it's time for voters to put Trump in permanent "time out" for his indecency. Why permanent? Because his disease is pathological, and as Trump pointed out himself, pathological diseases cannot be cured.
Another amusing joke that Trump tells about himself is the one that his ludicrous pie-in-the-sky is "tough talk" but "common sense talk." Is it "common sense" to arm entire stadiums so that wanna-be Rambos can shoot each other in vain attempts to identify and take out terrorists? Is it "common sense" to deport 11 million people, including American citizens, without due process? How about insulting women for not being tens by the Trump gauge, when more than half the American electorate is female?
Trump is also clearly joking about his ability to predict terrorist attacks. He recently said, "In my book I predicted terrorism because I can feel it. I can feel it like I feel a good location." But what Trump predicted in his book was a nuclear terrorist attack, which many other people had predicted long before Trump wrote his book. So he has nothing to brag about here.
But surely the biggest Trump-supplied joke is his promise that "We will have so much winning if I get elected, that you may get bored with winning." His campaign anthem should be Heart's "Magic Man." His mascot should be a magician's white rabbit.
One Trump critic has an interesting idea. Rather than trying to mass deport 11 million Hispanics, why not initiate Operation Trumpback and deport Trump to his family's country of origin, Germany? After all, Germany is currently accepting refugees, and that would be poetic justice (not to mention ridding America of a major nuisance).
like a malignant lump!
―Michael R. Burch
If we don't dump
us in the rump!
―Michael R. Burch
If the Whos had elected the Grinch
to "protect" them in a pinch,
that'd be be like American grumps
voting for Donald Trump's
bizarre "security" plan
to level Syria and Iran.
And as for stealing the oil—how zany!
It's already been tried, by Dick Cheney.
―Michael R. Burch
shrieked from the stump
"Surrender to hate!
Make American grate!"
―Michael R. Burch
Top Ten Donald Trump Campaign Slogans
Make America hate again.
Make America grate again.
Make America second rate again, at dispensing justice.
Make America wait again, for true equality.
Make America late again, to treat everyone fairly.
Make America checkmate justice again.
Make America bait the traps for minorities again.
Make America tempt fate again, with more violence-producing racial injustices.
Make America prate again, about how "superior" white Christians are to everyone else.
Make America denigrate people with darker skin again.
Top Ten Donald Trump Blatant Lies
Trump claims that he personally saw people jumping from the Twin Towers on 9-11, from four miles away through a thick curtain of smoke!
Trump claims that he personally saw "thousands and thousands" of New Jersey Muslims celebrating on 9-11, a claim that has been debunked by the police and media. If Trump saw this on TV, where are the film clips?
Trump claims that 81% of white homicide victims are killed by blacks; PolitiFact gave this lie a "pants on fire" rating. It is racist BS. The actual FBI figure is 15%.
Trump claims that the Mexican government deliberately "sends the bad ones over" to get rid of them; PolitiFact gave this lie a "pants on fire" rating. It is more racist BS.
Trump claims that there are 30 to 34 million illegal immigrants in the U.S.; PolitiFact gave this lie a "pants on fire" rating. More racist BS. The actual figure is closer to 10 million.
Trump is a birther who claims that none of Barack Obama's classmates remember him, but in reality many do. PolitiFact gave this lie a "pants on fire" rating. More racist BS.
Trump claims the U.S. unemployment is as high as 42%; PolitiFact gave this lie a "pants on fire" rating, saying Trump's figure is "way off the charts."
The New York Times called Trump a serial liar: "In the Republican field, Mr. Trump has distinguished himself as fastest to dive to the bottom. If it's a lie too vile to utter aloud, count on Mr. Trump to say it, often."
The Washington Post said: "We are at the point in Donald Trump's campaign when it's difficult to decide whether to focus on his unconstitutional policy proposals or his blatant lies."
According to PolitiFact, nearly every "fact" Trump cites is a half-truth or an outright lie. He is only "mostly" true around 5% of the time, and lying in one form or another 95% of the time.
The Washington Post's conclusion: "Trump has lied so many times about so many things during the past week that it's difficult to keep track of all of them. But it doesn't matter whether one focuses on Trump's attitudes about crime or American Muslims or trade policy. He lies about all of these issues. And he will continue to lie as long as it works for him."
Top Ten Signs that Donald Trump is Heading a Fascist Movement
(10) The "white victim complex" in which the "good white Christians" become the victims of dark, dirty, dangerous Jews, Muslims, Hispanics, et al.
(9) Fervent nationalism, in which "superior" nations like Germany, Italy and the U.S. can do nothing wrong and have the "right" to bully "inferior" nations.
(8) An obsession with national purity and cleansing purges of "undesirable" people like Jews, Muslims and Hispanics who are stereotyped as being shiftless, lazy and evil by nature.
(7) The cult of personality: Hitler, Mussolini, Trump.
(6) Suppression of free speech and the right of dissent; anyone who contradicts Herr Hitler or Herr Trump can be silenced or thrown out.
(5) Organized violence, including people being beaten up by Herr Trump's followers when he speaks.
(4) Support for wars of aggression, such as Herr Trump's loose talk about invading Syria and using the U.S. military to steal oil to pay the war costs.
(3) Closure of suspect places of worship: synagogues, mosques, etc.
(2) Databases of "undesirable" people such as Jews, Muslims and Hispanics.
(1) Spreading false information about "undesirable" people in order to inflame the public against them.
Top Ten Descriptions and Characterizations of Donald Trump
"I am the most fabulous whiner. I do whine, because I want to win."―Donald Trump describing himself on CNN's "New Day" to host Chris Cuomo
Trump is "the GOP's unhinged front-runner."―Robert Schlesinger, managing editor for opinion at U.S. News & World Report
Forced federal registration of US citizens, based on religious identity, is fascism. Period. Nothing else to call it."―John Noonan, a conservative national security adviser
Trump "has moved from rabble-rousing to demagoguery, or something even uglier."―U.S. News & World Report, quoting a John Cassidy article in The New Yorker
Trump is a "peripatetic political showman."―The Fiscal Times
Trump is an "immigrant-bashing carnival barker."―TIME Magazine, quoting presidential candidate Martin O'Malley
"Donald Trump is the world's greatest troll."―FiveThirtyEight Politics
"Trumpism exemplifies much that is problematic about American populism."―Weekly Standard
Trump has absorbed "every conceivable resentment (race, class, sex, religion, economic) ... promising a new order of things under his mighty hand."―Jeffrey Tucker, quoted in Salon
"Trump is the 'hero' of SNL's Drunk Uncle, David Duke, the KKK, neo-Nazis, white supremacists, skinheads, secessionists, and seemingly every disaffected American who has lost the ability to think rationally."―Michael R. Burch
Jim Sherota attended Trump's rally in Mobile, Alabama, and told The New York Times before Trump's arrival that he hoped Trump would announce a plan to issue licenses for hunting undocumented immigrants and offer $50 for "every confirmed kill." Trump's anti-immigrant rhetoric has inspired brutal violence against immigrants. Scott and Steve Leader, brothers accused of severely beating a homeless Latino man in Boston, told the state troopers who arrested them: "Donald Trump was right, all these illegals need to be deported." Trump's condemnation of the attack was at best half-hearted. He called it a "shame," but then attributed the brutal assault to "passion," "love of country" and patriots wanting to follow his lead in "making this country great again." He seems to be tone-deaf to his own racism and insensitivity, and not much worried about the violence his words spawn.
Etymology, Definition and History of the Name "Trump"
From the Oxford English Dictionary: Trump: (vt. slang) break wind audibly [like a fart!]
From the Online Etymology Dictionary: Trump (v.): "fabricate, devise," 1690s, from trump "deceive, cheat" (1510s), from Middle English trumpen (late 14c.), from Old French tromper "to deceive," of uncertain origin. Apparently from se tromper de "to mock," from Old French tromper "to blow a trumpet." Brachet explains this as "to play the horn, alluding to quacks and mountebanks, who attracted the public by blowing a horn, and then cheated them into buying …." The Hindley Old French dictionary has baillier la trompe "blow the trumpet" as "act the fool," and Donkin connects it rather to trombe "waterspout," on the notion of turning (someone) around. … Trumped up "false, concocted" first recorded 1728.
Thus to "trump" meant "to forge, fabricate, deceive or cheat" (as in the expression "trumped up.") Quacks and mountebanks attracted attention by blowing a horn, then swindling people. The older term also had connotations of mocking and playing the fool. Does any of this ring a bell?
The highest-ranking trump card in a tarot deck is the Fool.
The highest-ranking trump card in British euchre is the Joker.
Donald Trump's ancestors were Germans called the Drumpfs, so it is really Donald Drumpf running for president.
Top Ten Republican Myths
The economy is "worse" under the Obama administration than it was under George W. Bush; therefore the U.S. should return to Bush's "trickle down economics" (the political version of a golden shower).
President Obama is responsible for the mess in Iraq and the rise of ISIS (actually, as a congressman Barack Obama voted against the invasion of Iraq, while 96.4% of Republican congressmen voted for it).
The way to "win" in the Middle East is to return to the Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld strong-arm tactics that wrecked Iraq and created ISIS; for instance, Donald Trump has revived the Cheney plan to use the U.S. military to steal Iraqi oil. (Remember how wonderfully well that absurd plan worked out?)
Ben Carson and other Republican presidential candidates have been more strenuously vetted than Barack Obama (hah!).
The "liberal media" has been "unfair" to Republican presidential candidates by quoting what they said in public.
The U.S. cannot afford universal healthcare, but it can easily afford to spend trillions of dollars on unwinnable wars in the Middle East.
Dinosaurs frolicked with Adam and Eve in a perfect Garden of Eden that was created around 6,000 years.
Evolution and global warming are myths created by liberals.
The Bible is "infallible" despite commandments to stone children to death for misdemeanors, and many verses condoning slavery, infanticide, matricide, ethnic cleansing and genocide.
God is a racist who instructed the ancient Hebrews to ethnically cleanse Palestine and commit genocide; therefore Christians should "support" Israel's modern pogroms of ethnic cleansing, euphemistically called "settlement expansion."
Top Ten Donald Trump Feuds
(10) Intelligent voters: Nearly everything Trump says is at odds with reason, civility and common sense. And it's not just what he says, but how he says it.
(9) Jesus Christ: Trump has a major feud with Jesus over the need for confession, repentance and forgiveness. The body and blood of Jesus are just a "little cracker" and a "little wine."
(8) POWs: Trump insulted all American Prisoners of War by saying real heroes don't get captured (while Trump himself avoided capture via less-than-heroic draft deferrals).
(7) The Media: Trump the would-be tough guy, constantly whines that reporters are not "nice" to him and ask him "unfair" questions (even when they just quote what he said himself).
(6) Women: Trump only loves women who are tens, and he has extremely high standards!
(5) African Americans: Trump doesn't trust people of color to handle his money, so don't expect him to have a colorful cabinet.
(4) Hispanics: Trump will force Mexico to pay for his Great Wall, while deporting 11 million suspected illegal immigrants without due process. And yet Hispanics will love and vote for him!
(3) ISIS: Trump sees ISIS as a competitor in the hotel business, so he will show them absolutely no mercy!
(2) Russia: Trump claims that Putin will like him, even as he kicks Putin's ass all over the globe.
(1) China: Trump claims that he defeats more than one billion people "all the time" even as he pays them to produce his products.
Top Ten Donald Trump Campaign Songs
(10) How Great I Art
(9) I'm So Vain
(8) This Land Is My Land (Not Yours, Hispanics!)
(7) We Shall Overcomb
(6) America the Unbeautiful (Unless You Vote for Me!)
(5) Don't Lean on Me
(4) The Theme Song from "Hair"
(3) A Boy Named Sue (for Chapter 11 Protection)
(2) He Is Heavy (and He Sure as Hell Ain't My Brother!)
(1) American Idiot
The Wall ("We don't need no education ...")
Top Ten Reasons to Vote for Republicans
(10) You are a masochist and love it when someone rich and powerful abuses you.
(9) You think American prestige abroad will be enhanced by waterboarding and other forms of torture.
(8) You think we have plenty of money to spend on unwinnable trillion-dollar wars, but are "too poor" to help Americans in need.
(7) You prefer a big-brother-ish, intrusive government that dick-tates medieval morality to its citizens (please pardon the pun).
(6) You don't believe in evolution, climate change, or science in general.
(5) You think our government should pay lip service to free speech, while clamping down on gays, Muslims and liberals.
(4) You love big deficits, as they almost always go up at a faster rate when Republicans are in power.
(3) You think the government should help the top 1% while everyone else gets the shaft, including you and your family.
(2) You like eating, drinking and breathing poison, while the earth overheats.
(1) You want to fight another unwinnable war on false premises, this time against Iran.
Can the Republican Party really be as bad as it seems? According to Nobel winner Paul Krugman, yes: "It has long been obvious that the conventions of political reporting and political commentary make it almost impossible to say the obvious—namely, that one of our two major parties has gone off the deep end. Or as the political analysts Thomas Mann and Norman Ornstein put it in their book It's Even Worse Than It Looks, the G.O.P. has become an 'insurgent outlier … unpersuaded by conventional understanding of facts, evidence, and science.' It's a party that has no room for rational positions on many major issues. Or to put it another way, modern Republican politicians can't be serious—not if they want to win primaries and have any future within the party. Crank economics, crank science, crank foreign policy are all necessary parts of a candidate's resume."
Top Ten Donald Trump Superpowers
Racism, but with the superpowerful twist of claiming to "love" the people he discriminates against.
Egomania & Narcissism
Telling other people to shut up.
Calling other people nasty names.
The ability to always trump nonsense with something even more nonsensical.
Politico recently described Donald Trump as a man of "seamless contradiction."
Donald Trump, an admirer of P. T. Barnum, is the ultimate carnival barker. Unfortunately for the gullible American public, he is also the ultimate circus clown.
Donald Trump reminds me of egotistical bullies who pick on "nerds" on playgrounds and school cafeterias. Trump mocks and insults women who are not "tens" in his opinion. He tells other people to shut up when they disagree with him. He brags about his looks (?) and success (?) despite having the world's weirdest hair and a long string of bankruptcies and other business failures. He has insulted Rand Paul's height, looks and golf game (?). More recently, Trump has insulted and bullied Marco Rubio because he sweats under TV lights and drinks a lot of water. CNN reported that the Trump campaign sent a "care package" to Rubio's Washington campaign office that contained a 24-bottle case of "Trump Ice Natural Spring Water," with Trump's face on it, two "Make America Great Again" towels and bumper stickers, and a note reading, "Since you're always sweating, we thought you could use some water. Enjoy!" What a childish gesture for any adult, much less someone running for president of the United States.
Top Ten Ideas Expressed During the Second Republican Presidential Debate
(10) Climate change is real, after all, but still what is the point of spending any money in an attempt to save the planet and the lives of our children and grandchildren? Drill, baby, drill! Business as usual!
(9) We must "make America great again" and prove our power to our allies by attacking Iran on the same false premises that were used to "justify" the attack on Iraq.
(8) Americans "cannot afford" Obamacare, but we can easily afford to spend trillions on our military in order to bully Iran, Russia and China into doing the GOP's bidding. (Not that they will actually obey, of course.)
(7) Defunding Planned Parenthood is a huge priority, worth shutting down the federal government yet again. Bush, Walker and Christie bragged about how they defunded Planned Parenthood. (Such heroes!) The rights of pregnant girls and women don't matter a hill of beans, and were not worth a single mention. After two debates, not a single candidate has ventured the opinion that it may be wrong to murder girls and women by denying them the right to abortions if they experience severe medical problems during pregnancies.
(6) The children and grandchildren of white immigrants are the cat's meow; anyone with darker skin is a potential "anchor baby" so let's start rounding them up, sorting them out and deporting them.
(5) While Democrats have trouble negotiating with Russia, China, Iran and North Korea, the magic wands of Republicans will soon have them behaving like timid little trained mice.
(4) Blame everything that goes wrong in the world on President Obama and Hillary Clinton, conveniently ignoring everything that happened during the last Republican administration. (Were the magic wands on vacation, one wonders?)
(3) Carly Fiorina is now a great beauty, according to Donald Trump. Unfortunately, Rand Paul does not meet Trump's high standards and is thus not presidential material. (It is still not clear why Trump is able to run for president.)
(2) Donald Trump is either the best thing ever to happen to the United States (Trump & Cruz) or the worst thing (all the other candidates). All the candidates agreed that Trump's opinion about smaller vaccinations trumps the AMA's.
(1) But at least we can finally stop focusing on Trump's eccentric hair! (This was the only positive development, as far as I can tell.)
After the second debate was over, there was more Republican madness. For instance, Ben Carson opined that a Muslim should not be president because Islam is "incompatible" with the Constitution. Has Carson ever read the Bible? It is not exactly about democracy. According to the Bible, Americans should still be subject to the British monarchy, because kings and other authorities are appointed by God and must always be obeyed. Also, religious freedom is incompatible with the ten commandments and the Bible's frequent declarations that there is only one God, who must be obeyed by everyone.
Top Ten Donald Trump Failures
While speaking on the decommissioned battleship Iowa, Donald Trump said, "I love free trade. The concept is great, but you need smart people. I have the smartest people." But is that really true? If Trump can always identify and hire the "smartest people," why have so many of his business ventures failed?
Trump Casinos (Trump Entertainment Resorts Inc. filed for bankruptcy four times)
Trump Airlines aka Trump Shuttle (never made a profit; defaulted on its loans; went bust in 1992)
Trump Vodka (never caught on; ceased production)
Trump University (closed in 2011 after being sued for defrauding students)
Trump Mortgage (opened with great fanfare, but was out of business in less than two years)
Trump Magazine (shut down within two years)
Trump Steaks (started in 2007, never caught on, since discontinued)
Trump Ice (never caught on, discontinued in 2010)
Trump: the Game (never caught on)
GoTrump.com (a travel-related search engine that was trashed by critics and shut down within a year)
Dishonorable Mention: New Jersey Generals, Trump Tower Tampa, Trump Follies, Trump Power, Trump Fire, Purely Trump, Trump's American Pale Ale, The Donald (billed as the "ultimate cocktail" but abandoned in 2009), Donald J. Trump the Fragrance, Trump Style, Castle Steak House, Trumpnet, Oysters Trump, Trump's Golden Lager, Miss Universe Pageant, Trump National Doral NASCAR event, ESPN is pulling out of a charity golf event at a Trump course in New Jersey, The PGA won't be holding its 2015 Grand Slam of Golf at a Trump Course in LA, Macy's will no longer sell Trump's menswear line, Serta will stop selling Trump's line of mattresses
Top Ten Reasons to Dump Trump
Trump is a racist, as evidenced by his insensitive remarks about "the blacks," "the Latinos," et al. And he recently claimed to love "the Muslims" as well.
Trump is a chauvinist, as evidenced by his calling women "fat pigs," "slobs," "dogs" and "disgusting animals."
Trump is a fascist, as evidenced by his idea (borrowed from Dick Cheney) that the US should use its military to take Middle Eastern oil without paying for it (i.e., armed robbery).
Trump is a bully, as evidenced by his social media bullying of Megyn Kelly, Rosie O'Donnell, Bette Midler, and other people.
Trump is a liar who has been caught blatantly prevaricating numerous times. For instance, of 23 "facts" researched by Politifact, 78% were deemed less than truthful, with 69% being out-and-out lies.
Trump is an egomaniac who seems to believe the baseless myths he creates about himself.
Trump is a demagogue preaching to an already inflamed and increasingly dangerous choir.
Trump is a warmonger who calls himself the "most militaristic person on the planet."
Trump is an arrogant boor who insults other people left and right.
Trump shamelessly panders to racists and the Tea Party types to get their votes.
Ten Truly Weird Facts about Donald Trump
According to a 1990 Vanity Fair interview, Ivana Trump told her lawyer Michael Kennedy that Donald Trump kept a book of Hitler's collected speeches, My New Order, near his bed.
In the same Vanity Fair article, Ivana Trump told a friend that her husband's cousin, John Walter "clicks his heels and says, Heil Hitler," when visiting Trump's office.
Trump has repeatedly said that he would like to "date" his daughter, Ivanka Trump, because she has a killer body.
Trump says that it doesn't matter what the media says about him, as long as he has a "beautiful piece of ass."
Trump has made it patently clear that he judges women strictly by their looks, not their character or accomplishments.
Trump wants to mass deport 11 million people, including children born in the United States who, according to the 14th Amendment, are citizens of the United States.
Trump said that a cold snap proves that global warming is a "hoax."
Trump subscribes to the baseless theory that vaccinations cause autism.
Trump has bragged about bribing politicians and controlling their actions.
Trump is a birther.
Top Ten Most Unusual Things about Donald Trump
(10) One of the most amazing things about Donald Trump is that, as bizarre as he is, most of the other Republican presidential candidates are worse: Carson, Cruz, Graham, Huckabee, Rubio, Santorum, Walker.
(9) Trump loves "the blacks" and they love him in return. Ha!
(8) Trump sent his Mystery Machine crew to Hawaii where Trump "couldn't believe what they were finding" ... except that they found exactly nothing worth reporting back to the birthers.
(7) Trump is a "self-made" man despite receiving millions in loans and inheritances from his father, not to mention four bankruptcy court bailouts, selling his yacht to pay his Amex bills, etc.
(6) Despite his many failures, Trump teaches people to be successful ... except that his "university" turned out to be a fraud and had to be renamed.
(5) Trump always hires the "best people" and yet most of his businesses go under anyway. But it can't be the CEO's fault, as long as his name is Trump!
(4) Filing for bankruptcy four times is a sign of strength, not weakness!
(3) Trump has the same taste for pink marble in his casinos as Saddam Hussein had in his palaces.
(2) His commitment to overcomb any obstacle
(1) The hair, of course.
Creepy Things Donald Trump has Said about "Dating" His Daughter Ivanka Trump because She has a Hot Body
Donald Trump is known for his "unfiltered" way of speaking his mind. That seems to extend to the topic of incest, if we can assume that in the modern jet-set world "dating" means "having sex with." Here are unfiltered things Donald Trump has said about "dating" his daughter Ivanka ...
"Yeah, she's really something, and what a beauty, that one. If I weren't happily married and, ya know, her father ..." he told Rolling Stone.
"If Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her," Trump said in 2006 interview with The View. During the same interview, he mentioned that Ivanka has a "very nice figure" and mused about her possibly appearing in Playboy. In response, View co-host Joy Behar exclaimed, "Who are you, Woody Allen?"
Trump raved about Ivanka during an appearance on The Howard Stern Show: "You know who's one of the great beauties of the world, according to everybody? And I helped create her. Ivanka. My daughter, Ivanka. She's six feet tall, she's got the best body."
When the Trumps appeared on the The Wendy Williams Show, the host had them play "Fave Five." Williams asked Ivanka, "What's the favorite thing you have in common with your father?" Her answer was a tie between real estate and golf. Williams then asked The Donald what he had in common with his daughter. He answered, "Well, I was going to say sex, but I can't relate that to her." The audience howled with laughter. Ivanka wrinkled her nose and turned away from her grinning father while laughing uncomfortably. Williams remarked, "Oh! that was Hulk Hogan-creepy!" with wide eyes before she moved on to the rest of the interview.
It's interesting that even when discussing dating his own daughter, Trump never mentioned her character, personality, intelligence, or any other attribute. The only factors he mentioned were her beauty and her body. We see this repeatedly from Trump. Carly Fiorina can be written off as a presidential candidate because she isn't a ten, according to Trump. It's "sad" the Heidi Klum is no longer a ten, according to Trump. Rosie O'Donnell is a "slob" because she doesn't dress the way Trump prefers. And he doesn't care what the media says about him as long as he has a "beautiful piece of ass" to parade around.
Top Ten Donald Trump Cabinet Appointments
Secretary of State Insanity: Ted Cruz
Secretary of Impossible Missions: Tom Cruise (for instance, getting Mexico to pay for the Great Wall of Whine-a)
Secretary of Homeland Insecurity: George W. Bush (aka "AWOL")
Secretary of War: Dick "the Penguin" Cheney (an expert on starting wars on false premises in order to rob Middle Eastern nations of their oil, an area of emphasis for President Trump)
Secretary of Interior Decorating: Sarah Palin
Secretary of Special Education: Michelle Bachmann
Secretary of Securing Beautiful Pieces of Ass for the White House Bedroom: Charlie Sheen
Secretary of Forcing Rape Victims to Bear Their Rapists' Babies: Jeb Bush
Secretary of Praising President Trump to the Skies while He Destroys the World: Roger Ailes
The Top Ten Reasons Donald Trump is a Closet Democrat, Liberal and Socialist
Trump has been pro-choice in the past. And he still opposes making abortion illegal today, preferring exemptions for rape, incest and the woman's life being endangered.
Trump does not want to defund Planned Parenthood, and has had the gall to mention the organization's "good aspects," which is heresy to the GOP.
Trump opposed the invasion of Iraq, which was spearheaded by Republicans.
Trump has spoken favorably of Bill and Hillary Clinton in the past, another Republican heresy. Trump told Howard Stern that Hillary Clinton was a fantastic senator, and he gave $100,000 to the Clinton Foundation.
Trump in the past favored a ban on assault weapons.
In an interview with Larry King in 1999, Trump said that he was "very liberal when it comes to health care" and that he believed in "universal healthcare."
Trump approves of affirmative action.
Trump supports a progressive tax and has talked about raising taxes for the rich.
Trump hates the Iran deal, but he wouldn't abrogate it after taking office.
Trump does not want to get rid of Social Security, Medicare or Medicaid, but rather has promised to protect them from cuts.
The Best (i.e., Worst) Donald Trump Insults
At a campaign rally in New Hampshire, Donald Trump mocked Rand Paul's height, holding his hand mid-chest and crowing: "Rand, I've had you up to here!"
To prove that Trump is an equal opportunity insulter, he insulted Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, saying: "Now I know why the press always treated you so badly—they couldn't stand you."
Trump insulted God and the Christian faith by saying that he never asks God for forgiveness.
Trump then insulted the body and blood of Jesus Christ by saying: "When I drink my little wine—which is about the only wine I drink—and have my little cracker, I guess that is a form of asking for forgiveness."
Trump insulted Joe Biden for having an accident: "Our chief negotiator [with Iran] goes into a bicycle race at 73, falls down and breaks his leg. These people are incompetent." [Biden is 71, Mr. Competent.]
Trump insulted women for aging: "Sometimes I do go a little bit far," he allowed, adding after a moment: "Heidi Klum. Sadly, she's no longer a 10."
Trump even insulted himself when he claimed to be "the most fabulous whiner," explaining, "I am a whiner and I keep whining and whining until I win."
Trump went on the rag about menstruation, claiming there was blood coming out of Megyn Kelly's "whatever" when she asked him difficult questions during the first debate.
Trump insulted Mexican immigrants: "They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. ... And some, I assume, are good people."
Trump insulted John McCain: "He's not a war hero. He's a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren't captured." (Trump avoided being captured in the Vietnam War via unheroic draft deferments.)
"Look at that face!" Trump told a Rolling Stone reporter as Carly Fiorina appeared on TV. "Would anyone vote for that?"
Trump insulted the United States, calling it "a dumping ground for the rest of the world" that is constantly taken advantage of by other nations and "never wins." In other words, the United States is the world's biggest loser. That is exactly the opposite of Ronald Reagan's vision of the United States as a "shining city on a hill" acting as a beacon to the rest of the world.
For a larger collection of Donald Trump insults and responses to them, please click here: The Best Donald Trump Insults
Top Ten Donald Trump Campaign Promises
Trump promised that everything he does will be "great" (and voters can take that to the bank despite the failures of Trump Casinos, Trump Airlines, Trump Vodka, Trump University, etc.).
Trump promised "We will have so much winning if I get elected, that you may get bored with winning!"
Trump promised to replace Obamacare with "something terrific" and to "save" Social Security with quick waves of his magic wand.
Trump promised not to run as an independent as long as Republicans are "nice" to him and "fair" with him (regardless of how shabbily he treats other Republicans).
Trump promised to build a "great, great wall" and force Mexico to pay for it.
Trump promised to ignore the Constitution by deporting children born in the United States along with their parents.
Trump promised to use the US military to steal Iraqi oil (a highly dubious plan already tried unsuccessfully by Dick "the Penguin" Cheney).
Trump promised to "Turn off that spigot" of sending money to China by taxing them "until they behave properly" (i.e., as Trump instructs them to behave).
Trump promised to create jobs: "I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created."
Trump promised never to enter a bicycle race or break a leg like John Kerry (although Trump managed to avoid the Vietnam War by claiming to have "bone spurs").
Trump promised to "outlaw teleprompters for anybody running for president." (Presumably because he is so good at speaking off the cuff and not exposing his ass!)
Top Ten Questions for Donald Trump
If Trump can't handle a simple question from Megyn Kelly without blowing up, how will he be able to debate Hillary Clinton?
Do we really need a president who tweets like a hyper-aggressive teenage bully?
If Trump doesn't like soldiers who get captured once, why should we like businessmen who filed for bankruptcy four times?
And what about these abject failures: Trump Airlines, Trump Vodka, Trump Mortgage, Trump Casinos, Trump Magazine, Trump Steaks, Trump Ice, Trump University, Trump: the Game.
If Trump believes in the sanctity of marriage, why does he brag about the "young and beautiful pieces of ass" he can seemingly acquire at will?
After Trump builds his 1,900-mile wall, what's to stop illegal immigrants from arriving by sea and air?
How many American soldiers would die in Trump's bizarre plan to use the US military to steal Iraqi oil? And didn't Dick Cheney already try that, creating ISIS in the process?
How can a man be a Christian but never ask God for forgiveness?
Why can't Trump quote a single Bible verse, just as Sarah Palin couldn't name a single newspaper despite being a journalism major in college?
Top Ten Crazy Donald Trump Ideas
10) "I'm a bit of a P. T. Barnum. I make stars out of everyone." But is the White House a circus act?
9) Trump will build a 1,900-mile-long wall "very inexpensively" and get Mexico to pay for it. But then why bother to cut corners and costs, Mr. Art of the Deal?
8) Trump says that he has websites developed for three dollars. Is he using illegal immigrants as webmasters?
7) "Good people don't go into government!" Hence, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Roosevelt, JFK and Ronald Reagan were not good people. Nor is Donald J. Trump.
6) Trump used over-long putters to argue against gay marriage.
5) Trump insults women over their looks while insisting that he is "good looking."
4) Trump is an unapologetic birther.
3) Trump used a cold snap to insist that global warming is a "hoax" which he claims was invented by the Chinese "in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive."
2) "They're rapists!" Trump wants to mass deport 11 million people, including children born in the United States who are not "rapists" but American citizens according to the 14th Amendment.
1) Trump "You know, there is something in the Iran deal that people I don't think really understand or know about. And nobody is ever to explain it that if somebody attacks Iran, we have to come to their defense. And I'm saying this: that includes Israel? And most people say, yes. So, if Israel attacks Iran according to that deal, I believe... that we have to fight with Iran against Israel." [This is purge hogwash, because nowhere in the agreement is the United States or any other party required to come to Iran's defense should the country be attacked.]
Top Ten Donald Trump Truths
To become a self-made man like Donald Trump, first inherit million of dollars, then file for bankruptcy four times while bragging about your superiority to everyone else.
Once you have a lot of money, women will find you attractive even if you have the world's worst combover.
To have a great relationship with African Americans, be sure to call them "the blacks." Ditto for "the Latinos," "the women," et al.
Ted Cruz stole the slogan "Make America Great Again" from Trump (but of course Trump stole it from Ronald Reagan first).
People who beat immigrants to a pulp while quoting Donald Trump are "very passionate" because they "love this country" and just want it "to be great again."
Black accountants cannot be trusted to count money; only Jewish accountants are trustworthy.
"I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I'm more honest and my women are more beautiful."
Donald Trump never needs to ask for forgiveness.
Donald Trump has magical powers and everything he does is "great."
Donald Trump is infallible.
Donald Trump is, in a word, God.
"My favorite part [of the movie Pulp Fiction] is when Sam has his gun out in the diner and he tells the guy to tell his girlfriend to shut up. Tell that bitch to be cool. Say: 'Bitch be cool.' I love those lines."― TrumpNation: The Art of Being The Donald, 2005
Top Ten Reasons that Donald Trump Simply Must be the Next President
Anyone willing to appear on national TV with that hair must possess extraordinary courage.
And the fact that Trump insists that he is "good looking" proves that Mr. Combover also has remarkable powers of imagination.
Trump is an equal opportunity birther, questioning not only President Obama's citizenship, but Ted Cruz's as well.
Trump is a man of great discrimination; things he finds "disgusting" include older women, heavier women, women who disagree with him, women who ask him tough questions, women who breastfeed, windmills and handshakes.
Most American politicians are subject to many special interests, but Donald Trump is only subject to one special interest: his Brand (i.e., Himself).
Most American politicians believe in God, but Donald Trump believes that he is God and Christ rolled into One (hence, no need to ask God for forgiveness).
Trump is never politically correct, but he is always correct (being infallible).
Trump believes in American exceptionalism, since America produced Donald Trump. (Although the country has fallen down in every other possible area.)
Donald Trump is definitely not a racist, bigot or chauvinist: he's just worlds better than everyone.
Donald Trump is the only American politician with a very special superpower: the ability to whine Mr. Putin into leaving the Ukraine and giving back the Crimea.
And if Putin ever gets out of line, Trump can tweet to let the world know what a "dummy" and "loser" he is! That will stop him in his Stalinist tracks!
Trump will also use his superpowers to keep Iran from getting nuclear weapons (although one can never ask a professional magician his secrets!).
Trump will use his superpowers to build a Great Wall of Mexico that will make everyone forget about the Great Wall of China. (And better yet, Mexico will pay for it!)
Other American politicians talk tough about ISIS, but Trump really will be tough on ISIS since they built a hotel and are now his competitors: "ISIS, you're fired!"
For the first time in American history we will have many different beautiful and exotic First Ladies, since Trump frequently updates his "piece of ass" (as he so delicately puts it).
Trump will be the best president for jobs, exactly as he claims, because he will insult the leaders of other nations and start one war after another, creating lots of jobs for soldiers.
How will Trump pay for all the wars he starts and the jobs they create? He won't have to pay for anything, as he is an expert at filing for bankruptcy; let China foot the war bills!
Trump wants to legalize all drugs and raise taxes on hedge fund managers; he is thinking outside the narrow Republican box.
Trump is really, really rich, unless he is really, really exaggerating.
If we don't elect Trump, the American Dream is dead, over, kaput! So really, we have no choice.
And best of all, we won't have to watch Celebrity Apprentice ever again! We can just tune into the White House to watch a b-list celebrity fuck things up royally!
No, wait, I can think of one thing that is even better: HOT ASS IN THE WHITE HOUSE!!!
Sorry, there were more than ten great reasons that Donald Trump simply must be the next president. so please feel free to pick the ten that you like best.
The Donald is All-a-Twitter: Donald Trump Tweets
If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America? [Later deleted]
#JebBush has to like the Mexican Illegals because of his wife. [Later deleted]
@realDonaldTrump "According to Bill O'Reilly, 80% of all the shootings in New York City are blacks―if you add Hispanics, that figure goes to 98%. 1% white."
@realDonaldTrump "Sadly, the overwhelming amount of violent crime in our major cities is committed by blacks and hispanics―a tough subject―must be discussed."
Robert [Pattinson] I'm getting a lot of heat for saying you should dump Kristen [Stewart] but I'm right. If you saw the Miss Universe girls you would reconsider. [Yes, Trump dispenses abusive love lectures!]
Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again―just watch. He can do much better!
@ariannahuff is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man―he made a good decision.
"Our great African American President hasn't exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore!"
Free trade is terrible!
@SenJohnMcCain should be defeated in the primaries. Graduated last in his class at Annapolis―dummy!
What a waste of time being interviewed by @andersoncooper when he puts on really stupid talking heads like Tim O'Brien―dumb guy with no clue!
@FrankLuntz is a low class slob who came to my office looking for consulting work and I had zero interest. Now he picks anti-Trump panels!
Jonah Goldberg @JonahNRO of the once great @NRO#National Review is truly dumb as a rock. Why does @BretBaier put this dummy on his show?
Can you envision Jeb Bush or Hillary Clinton negotiating with 'El Chapo'? Trump, however, would kick his ass!
The liberal clown @ariannahuff told her minions at the money losing @HuffingtonPost to cover me as entertainment. I am #1 in Huff Post Poll.
I hear @pennjillette show on Broadway is terrible. Not surprised, boring guy (Penn). Without The Apprentice, show would have died long ago.
I loved firing goofball atheist Penn @pennjillette on The Apprentice. He never had a chance. Wrote letter to me begging for forgiveness.
One of the worst and most boring political pundits on television is @krauthammer. A totally overrated clown who speaks without knowing facts.
Why would anybody listen to @MittRomney? He lost an election that should have easily been won against Obama. By the way, so did John McCain!
I hope the boycott of @Macys continues forever. So many people are cutting up their cards. Macy's stores suck and they are bad for U.S.A.
Boycott @Macys, no guts, no glory. Besides, there are far better stores!
Dopey @Lawrence O'Donnell, whose unwatchable show is dying in the ratings, said that my Apprentice $ numbers were wrong. He is a fool!
Rick Perry failed at the border. Now he is critical of me. He needs a new pair of glasses to see the crimes committed by illegal immigrants!
@GovernorPerry failed on the border. He should be forced to take an IQ test before being allowed to enter the GOP debate.
He's doing very poorly in the polls. He put on glasses so people will think he's smart. And it just doesn't work! You know people can see through the glasses!
Pataki couldn't be elected dog catcher if he ran again—so he didn't!
@GovernorPataki was a terrible governor of NY, one of the worst―would've been swamped if he ran again!
@KarlRove wasted $400 million + and didn't win one race—a total loser.
Irrelevant clown @KarlRove sweats and shakes nervously on @FoxNews as he talks 'bull' about me. Has zero cred. Made fool of himself in '12.
@FoxNewsYou shouldn't have @KarlRove on the air—he's a clown with zero credibility—a Bushy!
I hear that sleepy eyes @chucktodd will be fired like a dog from ratings starved Meet The Press? I can't imagine what is taking so long!
Shouldn't George Will have to give a disclaimer every time he is on Fox that his wife works for Scott Walker?
@TheJuanWilliams you never speak well of me & yet when I saw you at Fox you ran over like a child and wanted a picture!
Trumpisms: Donald Trump Coinages, by Michael R. Burch
Anchor husband (n.) a rich American man who marries foreign supermodels so that they can live in the US "legally"
Con-serve-ative (n.) a reality TV star who cons gullible people into believing that he wants to serve them, rather than vice versa
Con-fusion (n.) the chaos produced when a con-serve-ative convinces gullible people that he will "help them come together"
Con-flation (n.) what our economy will experience after Donald Trump has conned us into electing him president
Mock-umentary (n.) a documentary of Donald Trump mocking everything and everyone in sight
Trump Change: (n.) chump change with a few extra zeroes tacked on
Trumpageddon (n.) Armageddon, only much worse because we have to listen to Donald Trump brag about his superiority while he destroys the world
Trumpaholic (n.) someone addicted to his own bullshit
Trumpathon: (n.) a TV event in which Donald Trump goes on and on and on about how rich, successful and good looking he is
Trumpbone (n.) a musical instrument similar to a trombone that only plays discordant notes
Trumpass (n.) a compass that always points at one's ass
Trumpectomy (n.) a type of brain surgery similar to a lobotomy in which an oversized ego is removed
Trumpet (n.) a mouthpiece only good for constantly tooting one's own horn
Trumpetry (n.) the art of constantly tooting one's own horn.
Trumpism (n.) anything that is wildly exaggerated in a boorish fashion
Trumple (v.) to trample and crumple, while insulting one's victims in the process
Trumplestiltskin (n.) the title of a book about a man who falls asleep, dreams that he is the king of the world, and never wakes up from his absurd fantasy
Trumposity (n.) the quality of being pompous, loud and overbearing
Trumptanic (n.) the name of a ship that has been advertised to be "unsinkable" but in reality is so full of holes that it can never leave dry dock
Trumptastic (adj.) something purported to be wonderful that turns out to be horse hockey
Trumpupmanship (n.) claiming to be better than everyone at everything
Trumputopia (n.) a mythical land in which alpha male chauvinism rules and everything is magically "great"
Donald Trump Poems
Donald Trump is aptly named;
we've all been gamed.
—Michael R. Burch
Conformists of a feather
—Michael R. Burch
Trump will defend
his "hair" to the end,
but never a woman
unless she's a TEN.
―Michael R. Burch
ought to jump
from the stump:
his towers are nice,
but his mind is a dump.
―Michael R. Burch
Twinkle, twinkle, little Trump!
How I wonder at your rump
poised above the world, so high,
raining bullshit from the sky,
like an ass that learned to fly.
―Michael R. Burch
defends his hair,
exposes the roots,
cries, "Look-ee there!
It's real, I swear!"
But the little oinker
will never defend
a woman from shame
unless she's a "ten."
―Michael R. Burch
Twinkle, twinkle, little Trumpet!
Here's your question. Not a crumpet?
Call her "mean." Demand she dump it!
―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump Top Ten Outrageous Quotations: the Man in his own Incongruous Words
Some of the best Donald Trump jokes are the explanations he gives for acting so obnoxiously. For instance, during an interview with Chris Cuomo on CNN's New Day, The Donald proclaimed that he is "the most fabulous whiner" and bragged: "I do whine because I want to win and I'm not happy about not winning and I am a whiner and I keep whining and whining until I win." Will Mr. Putin cave to American demands simply to stop Trump's incessant whining? Well, perhaps, since Trump is so incredibly annoying ...
The beauty of me is that I'm very rich.―Donald Trump
I'm really rich.―Donald Trump [which according to your logic, makes you really beautiful, no?]
You know, it really doesn't matter what the media write as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass.―Donald Trump
All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me, consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected.―Donald Trump [but were they flirting with you, or just with your money?]
There's nothing I love more than women, but they're really a lot different than portrayed. They are far worse than men, far more aggressive.―Donald Trump
When a man leaves a woman, especially when it was perceived that he has left for a piece of ass—a good one!—there are 50 percent of the population who will love the woman who was left.―Donald Trump
[Women:] You have to treat 'em like shit!―Donald Trump [and you do, Donald, you do!]
It's like in golf. A lot of people—I don't want this to sound trivial—but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive. It's weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can't sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.―Donald Trump
The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.―Donald Trump [or is all his hot air the reason the ice caps are melting!]
The U.S. has become a dumping ground for everybody else's problems ... When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best ... They're sending people that have lots of problems ... They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.―Donald Trump
In response to the last quote above, Armando Fuentes Aguirre, writing in Reforma, said: "Donald Trump is one of these perverse specimens of whom humanity should feel ashamed ... I trust that Republicans—and all North Americans—will lance this ugly boil that has suddenly erupted in their national life."
What People "in the Know" have Said about Donald Trump
"In every town large enough to have two traffic lights there is a bar at the back of which sits the local Donald Trump, nursing his fifth beer and innumerable delusions. Because the actual Donald Trump is wealthy, he can turn himself into an unprecedentedly and incorrigibly vulgar presidential candidate. It is his right to use his riches as he pleases. His squalid performance and its coarsening of civic life are costs of freedom that an open society must be prepared to pay. When, however, Trump decided that his next acquisition would be not another casino but the Republican presidential nomination, he tactically and quickly underwent many conversions of convenience (concerning abortion, health care, funding Democrats, etc.). His makeover demonstrates that he is a counterfeit Republican and no conservative."―George Will
"If you are a conservative alarmed at the country's direction and committed to retaking the White House, you should be concerned about what Trump's ascendancy is doing to the chances of that happening. The Democrats' presumptive candidate is flailing badly. Republicans have an unusually talented field with a good chance of winning back the presidency. Do they really want to be dragged into the swamps—right now, on immigration—that will make that prospect electorally impossible? Yes, I understand the anger, the frustration, etc., etc., that Trump is channeling. But how are these alleviated by yelling 'I'm mad as hell!'―and proceeding to elect Hillary Clinton?"―Charles Krauthammer
Trump is so busy vacationing, playing golf, tweeting, posing for photo ops and campaigning for reelection that he has precious little time to govern. And that is YUGE silver lining for the United States!
Senator Bob Corker told TIME magazine: "I do wish somebody would take his iPhone away from him!" Yes, and his Twitter account too. Only in the United States do we entrust the nuclear codes to someone we wouldn't let babysit our pets, much less our teenage daughters.
This week Donald Trump started building his wall ... a wall between millions of Americans and their health care ... Many congressmen admitted they didn't even read the bill before voting on it. They're treating healthcare the way I treat an iTunes agreement! I'm sure it's fine, then suddenly I'm dealing with pre-existing conditions ... The bill was strongly opposed by the American Medical Association, the American Hospital Association, and the National Physicians Alliance. Though it did receive a rare thumbs-up from the Grim Reaper.―Colin Jost on SNL's Weekend Update
Truant Trump and Lyin' Ryan rushed the American Death Care Act (aka #TrumpedUpCare) through the House without waiting for the CBO to crunch the numbers. But what the hell―when you're ready, willing and eager to write off millions of Americans as lost causes, do the actual numbers really matter? Never mind that those "lost causes" include our aging parents, our grandparents, and eventually our children. Nothing matters to Trump except being a "winner." Now he's "won" and millions of "losers" will have to fend for themselves, at the mercy of heartless insurance companies who also intend to "win" at their expense.
Republican bigwigs are celebrating the denial of healthcare to millions of Americans. "Your premiums are going to come down," Trump rejoiced, dancing a happy jig, "because now we can kill you off if you're not rich!" Paul Ryan was described as "giddy." Mike Pence was positively "ecstatic." Many Trump supporters still don't seem to understand that they are the ones who will suffer under #TrumpedUpCare aka #Lyin'Ryan'Dyin'Care. Who will be hit the hardest? Older people on limited incomes. Who voted Trump into the nation's highest office? Ditto. Now the yoke's on them, as Groucho Marx would say, but unfortunately the same yoke is on us.
Republican Raul Labrador drew intense jeers at an Idaho town hall when he defended the GOP’s ObamaCare repeal plan by claiming that "Nobody dies because they don't have access to healthcare!" Trump's Labrador Retriever had previously opined that healthcare is not a basic human right. In other words, rich people are entitled to healthcare but the rest of us only have the "right" to suffer and die. It's hard to say whether the Labrador Guppy and his owner are evil or just plain stupid, but in either case the end result will be the same.
Warren Buffet told stockholders of Berkshire Hathaway that Trump would give the company a $9 billion tax break. So we can't afford decent healthcare for millions of less-fortunate Americans, but we can afford to help the super-rich, like Warren Buffet, get even richer! But there's no surprise here, because this is the real Republican game plan, and has been for decades. "Trickle down" economics is a golden shower, with the rich pissing their effluent waste on ordinary citizens.
The lesson Bill O'Reilly learned, albeit too late, is that a serial sex abuser must know when to quit TV and run for president.―Stanley Cohen
Donald Trump Jr. spent Earth Day shooting prairie dogs in Montana. Him heap big game hunter!
James Comey said it made him feel "mildly nauseous" to think he influenced the presidential election. Comey will feel "really nauseous" when Trump starts WWIII.
Comey said that he was compelled to announce the investigation of Hillary Clinton's emails, but somehow he was not compelled to announce the investigation of Trump's Russian ties. Now we voters feel nauseous!
Trump called national monuments established by Barack Obama an "egregious abuse of power." He then issued an executive order commanding the national monument at Mount Rushmore to add his image.
The good news is that Bannon has been banished. The bad news is that Reince Priebus is staying, so "Reince twice and spit!"―Michael R. Burch
With the demotion of Darth Bannon, the double-headed hydra Jervanka now rules, so be prepared to be "jerved off."―Michael R. Burch
Trump was not being hypocritical about Sexual Assault Awareness Month. He was very sincere about letting everyone know that he and his friends Roger Ailes and Bill O'Reilly have the right to sexually assault women!
President Trump cavalierly said: "I don't think Bill O'Reilly did anything wrong." Of course not, since Trump bragged about groping women to Billy Bush League.
Sarah Silverman has called for a military coup to overthrow Trump. But unfortunately it seems there are no American generals that patriotic, brave or wise.
Donald Trump is on a fact-free diet.
Trump is now using Syrian children to justify his cruise missile attack on Syria. Those are the same Syrian children he not only banned from entering the United States, but said must be "taken out" by the American military as "retribution" for acts of terrorism. Is Trump incredibly confused or are those crocodile tears he's weeping?
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. told Erin Burnett that Trump is "turning America into a petrostate," noting that "It's hard to see a good end for our country from those kinds of policies." Will Trump kill your children or grandchildren by blithely ignoring the ever-mounting evidence of global warming (such as rising sea levels, which cannot be fudged)? Unfortunately, this is no joke. Today it's bees and other pollinators that are endangered. Tomorrow, it may be us and our descendents.
Trump was being questioned about collusion with Russia. A reporter asked him point-blank: "Have you or any members of your inner circle ever knowingly communicated with Russian intelligence agents?" Trump's face flushed crimson with rage. It took him nearly a minute to regain enough composure to speak. Then he screamed: "Read my lips ... NYET!"―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-Un start a nuclear war and die at the same time. They are greeted at the gates of hell by the Devil, who explains that they can make one final call, but such calls may be VERY expensive. Since they are rich and can't take it with them, all three agree. Putin calls Russia and talks for five minutes; the charge is one million dollars. Jong-Un calls North Korea and talks for ten minutes; the cost is two million dollars. Trump calls his family and talks bigly for hours, but the cost is only five bucks. A seething Putin demands to know why Trump got off so cheap. The Devil replies: "Since he took over, the US has gone to hell, so it's a local call!"
Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking was asked in an interview whether his knowledge of the universe allowed him to explain Trump's popularity. "I can't," Hawking replied. "He's a demagogue who seems to appeal to the lowest common denominator." Understandably, the Trumpites were baffled by Hawking's use of moderately long words. But they were inordinately pleased to be considered "common dominators" following a "demigod."―Michael R. Burch
The swamp drained Trump, according to Republican congressman Justin Amash of Michigan. Trump is being mocked by his own party. “@RealDonaldTrump It’s a swamp not a hot tub. We both came here to drain it. #SwampCare polls 17%. Sad!” tweeted Representative Thomas Massie of Kentucky, a Tea Party conservative.
According to the New York Times, it was Acting President Stephen KKK Bannon who instructed Trump to use his Twitter feed as a "rhetorical prod" to attack conservatives like Amash and Massie who didn't fall in line. Does the phrase "divided we fall" ring any bells?
Richard Nixon insisted, "I am not a crook!" But of course he was. Now Donald Trump shrilly insists, "I am not a crook/con-artist/liar/traitor/spy/fascist/racist/bully/chauvinist/molester!" Methinks the laddie protests too much.―Michael R. Burch
"When you are given immunity, that means that you have probably committed a crime," according to General Michael Flynn. Well, guess who is now pleading for immunity? Red Flynnstone himself!
When Trump promised that he would "drain the swamp," he forgot to mention than he would immediately restock it with cold-blooded Russian krokodils.
Welcome to Trumpistan. Trump is draining the swamp of tadpoles and filling it with Gila monsters.―Graydon Carter
The GOP had seven years to come up with something better than Obamacare. It was their "job one." But in the end their only functional department was the complaint department.
Paul Ryan admitted: "This is a disappointing day for us." Ryan is YUGELY disappointed that he won't be able to kill less-advantaged American citizens by denying them decent healthcare.
Sweetie you are a first season Real Housewife making stuff up to stay on the show.—Andy Cohen, in response to Trump's fake news tweets
The house is on fire, Trump is running around with a box of matches, and the GOP demands to know who called the fire department.—Garry Kasparov, Chairman of the Human Rights Foundation
In the Kremlin the top-secret plan for Putin to control Trump is code-named "Operation Taming of the Orange Shrew." — Michael R. Burch
It’s safe to say everything Trump touches turns to gold. Especially the Miss Teen U.S.A. contestants he pees on.―Seth McFarlane
For Trump, women are either servants or sex objects, rated on a scale of 1-10.―LiberallyBlogging in DailyKos
Trump's movement is great ... for a bowel movement.―Michael R. Burch
The Donald will remain executive producer of Celebrity Apprentice. And that's only fitting, since Trump will be the first Celebrity Apprentice President.―Michael R. Burch
Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway claims microwaves can be turned into "cameras." Is that how her brain got scrambled—by an overactive microwave oven?
Rachel Maddow has Trump's tax return. He must have signed it too close to his microwave. And in the process his brain vaporized and his hands shrank to the size of daffodils.
It's important to be fair. And it is beyond obvious that Trump couldn't possibly have groped all those women because his fingers are far too tiny, weak and fragile! #ExonerateBabyFingersTrump
It is completely unfair to compare Donald Trump to Chicken Little! Chicken Little only cried that the sky was falling. Trump's crying is actually making it fall!
How's that Hillary hate thing working out for you, Bernie supporters, now that Trump's president?
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