The HyperTexts

Famous Epigrams

These are some of the most famous epigrams of all time. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed compiling them.

by Michael R. Burch

The Top Ten Most Famous Epigrams of All Time

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.—Oscar Wilde
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.—Thomas Jefferson
Give me liberty, or give me death.—Patrick Henry
I have not yet begun to fight.—John Paul Jones
Blessed are the peacemakers.—Jesus Christ
An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.—Mohandas Gandhi
We shall overcome.—the rallying cry of the American Civil Rights Movement
I have a dream.—Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Whatsoever ye do unto the least of these, my brethren, ye do it unto me.—Jesus Christ
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.—Eleanor Roosevelt

The Most Famous Epigrams of the Divine Oscar Wilde

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.—Oscar Wilde
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.—Oscar Wilde
Men always want to be a woman's first love; women like to be a man's last romance.—Oscar Wilde
I can resist everything except temptation.—Oscar Wilde
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.—Oscar Wilde
The truth is rarely pure and never simple.—Oscar Wilde
An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.—Oscar Wilde
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.—Oscar Wilde
The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.—Oscar Wilde
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.—Oscar Wilde
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.—Oscar Wilde
Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.—Oscar Wilde
Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.—Oscar Wilde

Other Famous Epigrams

If I have seen a little farther than others, it is because I have stood on the shoulders of giants.—Sir Isaac Newton

I came, I saw, I conquered.—Julius Caesar
I have not come to praise Caesar, but to bury him.—Brutus
Et tu, Bruté?—Julius Caesar [You too, Brutus?]

Candy
is dandy
but liquor
is quicker.
—Ogden Nash

I WILL BE HEARD.—William Lloyd Garrison (an American abolitionist who risked his life to help end slavery)
An unbending tree is easily broken.—Lao Tzu
It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.—Eleanor Roosevelt
If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning.—Catherine the Great
If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and his impersonators would be dead.—Johnny Carson
To err is human, but it feels divine.—Mae West
For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.—Virginia Woolf
I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I'm not dumb, and also I'm not blonde.—Dolly Parton
He does not believe, who does not live according to his belief.—Sigmund Freud
Never tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.—Unknown

If by a Liberal they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people—their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights and their civil liberties—someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad, if that is what they mean by a Liberal, then I'm proud to say I'm a Liberal.—John F. Kennedy

Little strokes
fell great oaks.
―Ben Franklin

Mariner, do not ask whose tomb this may be,
but go with good fortune:
I wish you a kinder sea.
—Plato, translation by Michael R. Burch

Deep autumn:
my neighbor,
how does he live, I wonder?
―Matsuo Basho, translation by Michael R. Burch

Imagine...—John Lennon
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.—Will Rogers
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.—Albert Einstein
I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.—Jon Stewart
Politics is the second-oldest profession; it bears a very close resemblance to the first.—Ronald Reagan
I never give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it's hell.—"Give 'Em Hell" Harry S. Truman
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.—Mark Twain
It's called the "American Dream" because you have to be asleep to believe it.—George Carlin
If we don't end war, war will end us.—H. G. Wells
Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind.—John F. Kennedy
War does not determine who is right, just who is left.—Unknown, associated by fans of Dan Fogelberg with his song "Ghosts"
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.—W. C. Fields
Grace Kelly did everything Fred Astaire did: walking backwards, in high heels!—Unknown
Foreign aid is taking money from the poor people of a rich country and giving it to the rich people of a poor country.—Ron Paul
A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it's the stupid ones who need all the advice.—Bill Cosby
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.—Bil Keane
That which does not kill us makes us stronger.—Friedrich Nietzsche
If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything.—Malcolm X
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.—John Lennon
A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water.—Eleanor Roosevelt
Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.—Mohandas Gandhi
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.—Dr. Seuss (Theodor Seuss Geisel)
Live simply, so that others may simply live.—Mother Teresa
Be the change that you want to see in the world.—Mohandas Gandhi
I'm starting with the man in the mirror.—Michael Jackson

This is the moment when we must come together to save this planet. Let us resolve that we will not leave our children a world where the oceans rise and famine spreads and terrible storms devastate our lands.—Barack Obama

The moral test of government is how it treats those who are in the dawn of life, the children; those who are in the twilight of life, the elderly; and those who are in the shadows of life, the sick, the needy and the handicapped.—Hubert H. Humphrey

When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying the cross.—Sinclair Lewis
Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.—Voltaire
Fanaticism consists in redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim.—George Santayana

Peace Shorts

Never underestimate the power of pissed-off women.—Greta Berlin, co-founder of the Free Gaza Movement and editor of "Freedom Sailors"
I’m here for other children. I’m here because I care. I’m here because children everywhere are suffering.—Rachel Corrie, a slain peace activist, written at age ten
I don't think that Rachel should have moved. I think we should all have been standing there with her.—Cindy Corrie, Rachel's mother

Cindy Corrie was responding to Judge Oded Gershon's comment that her daughter should have moved out of the way of the weaponized Israeli military Caterpillar D9  bulldozer (aka "killdozer") that took her life as she strove to protect the home of a Palestinian pharmacist and his family from being demolished. Since 1948 the Israeli military has destroyed hundreds of Palestinian and Bedouin villages, and tens of thousands of houses, olive trees and chickens, leading Nobel Peace Prize laureates Nelson Mandela, Desmond Tutu and Jimmy Carter to accuse Israel of practicing apartheid and ethnic cleansing. What is the "defensive" purpose of destroying houses, olive trees and chickens?

Sports Shorts

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.
Your hands can't hit what your eyes can't see.
—Muhammad Ali

It ain't bragging if you can back it up.—Muhammad Ali
Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.—Satchel Paige
All hockey players are bilingual. They know English and profanity.—Gordie Howe
Winners never quit and quitters never win.—Vince Lombardi
You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take.—Wayne Gretzky
Somebody's gotta win and somebody's gotta lose and I believe in letting the other guy lose.—Pete Rose
If you can believe it, the mind can achieve it.—Ronnie Lott
If you train hard, you'll not only be hard, you'll be hard to beat.—Herschel Walker
The more I practice, the luckier I get.—Gary Player
Nobody roots for Goliath.—Wilt Chamberlain
If you win, you’re colorful. If you lose, you’re incompetent.—David Climer, a sports columnist

Famous Last Words

More light!—Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Oh Wow!!! Oh Wow!!! Oh Wow!!!—Steve Jobs
'Tis well.—George Washington
It's very beautiful over there.—Thomas Edison
Beautiful!—Elizabeth Barrett Browning
The taste of death is upon my lips; I feel something that is not of this earth.—Mozart
Friends applaud, the comedy is over.—Ludwig van Beethoven
Drink to me!—Pablo Picasso
Don't disturb my equations!—Archimedes, to the soldier who killed him
It's better to burn out than to fade away. Peace, Love, Empathy.—Kurt Cobain, quoting Neil Young
I must go in, the fog is rising.—Emily Dickinson
Does nobody understand?—James Joyce, whose writing was famously difficult to understand
I've had eighteen straight whiskies, I think that's the record!—Dylan Thomas
Cool it, brothers.—Malcolm X
Love one another.—George Harrison
Don't mourn for me. Organize!—Joe Hill
Come on! Take action! Let's go!—Sitting Bull
Are you guys ready? Let's roll.—Todd Beamer, United Flight 93, September 11, 2001
God will forgive me. That is his profession.—Heinrich Heine
Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies.—Voltaire,  on his deathbed, when asked by a priest to renounce Satan

Love

Love keeps the cold out better than a cloak.—Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.—William Shakespeare
Love distills desire upon the eyes, love brings bewitching grace into the heart.—Euripides
Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and commune with each other.—Rainer Maria Rilke
All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love.—Leo Tolstoy
That Love is all there is, is all we know of Love.—Emily Dickinson
God is Love, and he who abides in Love abides in God, and God abides in him.—Saint John
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.—Lao Tzu
Love does not dominate; it cultivates.—Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.—Helen Keller
There is no remedy for love but to love more.—Henry David Thoreau
I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.—Mother Teresa
Love is the strongest force the world possesses, and yet it is the humblest imaginable.—Mohandas Gandhi
A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.—Ingrid Bergman
The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.—Audrey Hepburn
What I feel for you seems less of earth and more of a cloudless heaven.—Victor Hugo
Perhaps love is the process of my gently leading you back to yourself.—Antoine de Saint-Exupery
You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.—Dr. Seuss (Theodor Seuss Geisel)

Friendship

If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.—J. K. Rowling
A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.—Elbert Hubbard
Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.—Albert Camus
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one!"—C. S. Lewis
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell; I have friends in both places.—Mark Twain

Tolerance and Diversity

Treat everyone you meet as if they are God in drag.—Ram Dass
I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way.—Lady Gaga
Class is classlessness.—T. Merrill
If you're being bullied, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.—Elizabeth Harris Burch
Whether you're gay, straight, Goth or geek, it's okay to be different, so take the power back! It belongs to you.—Elizabeth Harris Burch
When I was being bullied, I had to learn not to judge myself by the opinions of intolerant morons. Then I felt much better.—Michael R. Burch
The world is never as small as small people.—Janet Kenny
Tolerance implies no lack of commitment to one's own beliefs. Rather it condemns the oppression or persecution of others.—John F. Kennedy
Before every man can present his views without penalty there must be spirit of tolerance in the entire population.—Albert Einstein
Tolerance is giving to every other human being every right that you claim for yourself.—Robert Green Ingersoll
What is tolerance? It is the consequence of humanity. Let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly.—Voltaire
Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.—George Carlin
Without tolerance, our world becomes hell.—Friedrich Durrenmatt
Certainly tolerance and acceptance were at the forefront of my music.—Bruce Springsteen
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.—Rumi
It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.—Thomas Jefferson
All Americans who believe in freedom, tolerance and human rights have a responsibility to oppose bigotry and prejudice based on sexual orientation.—Coretta Scott King
I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality ... I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.—Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Kindness and Compassion

Unfading are the gardens of kindness.—Greek proverb
A bit of fragrance always clings to the hand that dispenses roses.—Chinese proverb
Always be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle.—a variation on Plato, John Watson, James M. Barrie
Any good that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now ... for I shall not pass this way again.—Etienne Griellet
You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.—Ralph Waldo Emerson
Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, believing that one day someone might do the same for you.—Princess Diana
As much as we need a prosperous economy, we also need a prosperity of kindness and decency.—Caroline Kennedy
Ask yourself: Have you been kind today? Make kindness your daily modus operandi and change your world.—Annie Lennox
As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate.—Albert Schweitzer
I'm going to be kind, because then it all just kind of spreads, and the world is a little nicer out there.—Ellen DeGeneres
Recompense injury with justice, and kindness with kindness.—Confucius
My life is unjust, but I can strive for justice. My life is unkind, but I can vote for kindness.—Vachel Lindsay
Kindness is a mark of faith, and whoever is not kind has no faith.—Mohammed
My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.—Dalai Lama
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.  If you want to be happy, practice compassion.—Dalai Lama
He who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.—Saint Basil
He who aspires to paradise should learn to deal with people with kindness.—Abu Bakr
A word of kindness is seldom spoken in vain, while witty sayings are as easily lost as the pearls slipping from a broken string.—George Dennison Prentice

Justice

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.—Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
A right delayed is a right denied.—Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Justice cannot be for one side alone, but must be for both.—Eleanor Roosevelt
There is a higher court than courts of justice and that is the court of conscience. It supersedes all other courts.—Mohandas Gandhi
Law and order exist for the purpose of establishing justice and when they fail they become dams that block the flow of social progress.—Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
That which is not just, is not Law; and that which is not Law, ought not to be obeyed.—Algernon Sydney

Freedom, Abolitionist and Anti-Slavery

The compact which exists between the North and the South is a covenant with death and an agreement with hell.—William Lloyd Garrison
Enslave the liberty of but one human being and the liberties of the world are put in peril.—William Lloyd Garrison
Liberty for each, for all, and forever!—William Lloyd Garrison
Wherever there is a human being, I see God-given rights inherent in that being, whatever may be the sex or complexion.—William Lloyd Garrison
With reasonable men, I will reason; with humane men I will plead; but to tyrants I will give no quarter.—William Lloyd Garrison
No man can put a chain about the ankle of his fellow man without at last finding the other end fastened about his own neck.—Frederick Douglas
I expose slavery because to expose it is to kill it. Slavery is one of those monsters of darkness to whom the light of truth is death.—Frederick Douglas
The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppose.—Frederick Douglas
Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground.—Frederick Douglas
When men sow the wind they will reap the whirlwind.—Frederick Douglas
I freed thousands of slaves. I could have freed thousands more if they had known they were slaves.—Harriet Tubman
It's a matter of taking the side of the weak against the strong, something the best people have always done.—Harriet Beecher Stowe
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.—Abraham Lincoln
As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy.—Abraham Lincoln
If to be feelingly alive to the sufferings of my fellow-creatures is to be a fanatic, I am one of the most incurable fanatics ever permitted to be at large.—William Wilberforce

Wisdom and Virtue

Wisdom begins in wonder.—Socrates
Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it.—David Starr Jordan
Wise sayings often fall on barren ground, but a kind word is never thrown away.—Arthur Helps
Cleverness is not wisdom.—Euripides
If the writing is honest, it cannot be separated from the man who wrote it.—Tennessee Williams
Choose a job you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life.—Confucius
It is better to be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.—Abraham Lincoln
Never get into a wrestling match with a pig; you both get dirty and the pig likes it.—John McCain

Faith, Belief, Courage and Action

Believe you can and you're halfway there.—Theodore Roosevelt
Change your thoughts and you change your world.—Norman Vincent Peale
The best way out is always through.—Robert Frost
Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace.—Amelia Earhart 
I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.—Michelangelo
Faith in oneself is the best and safest course.—Michelangelo

Epigrams can be Vehicles of Social Change and Progress

Bigotry is the sacred disease.—Heraclitus
Puritanism is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.—H. L. Menken
We may have come in on different ships, but we're all in the same boat now.—Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle.—Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
First they [unjust rulers and governments] ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.—Mohandas Gandhi
Give peace a chance.—John Lennon
One man cannot hold another man down in the ditch without remaining down in the ditch with him.—Booker T. Washington
Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up.—Jesse Jackson
In a country well governed, poverty is something to be ashamed of. In a country badly governed, wealth is something to be ashamed of.—Confucius
Poverty must not be a bar to learning and learning must offer an escape from poverty.—President Lyndon B. Johnson

Ethical and Religious Epigrams

Some of the most important ethical teachings of major world religions have been passed down to the world in the form of epigrams. Here are a few quick examples:

To thy faith add knowledge, to thy actions, love, and thy presence among the people will be a benediction.—Order of the Amaranth
Blessed are the peacemakers.—Jesus
Judge not, that ye be not judged.—Jesus
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you: this is the Law and the Prophets.—Jesus
The most excellent jihad [struggle] is that for the conquest of self.—Mohammed
The ink of the scholar is more sacred than the blood of the martyr.—Mohammed
The rights of women are sacred. See that women are maintained in the rights assigned to them.—Mohammed
I like your Christ, but not Christianity. You Christians are so unlike your Christ.—Mohandas Gandhi
A good head and a good heart are always a formidable combination.—Nelson Mandela
Yesterday I was clever, that is why I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, that is why I am changing myself.—Sri Chinmoy
Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who said it, even if I said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense.—Buddha

Eleanor Roosevelt

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
Anyone who thinks must think of the next war as they would of suicide.
I can not believe that war is the best solution. No one won the last war, and no one will win the next war.
It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.
It is not more vacation we need—it is more vocation.
It isn't enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn't enough to believe in it. One must work at it.
Justice cannot be for one side alone, but must be for both.
Never allow a person to tell you "no" who doesn't have the power to say "yes."
When will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery rather than avenge it?
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall."

Marilyn Monroe

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course!
It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one.
If I'd observed all the rules I'd never have gotten anywhere.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Men are so willing to respect anything that bores them.
Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.
It's all make believe, isn't it?
I don't want to make money, I just want to be wonderful.
Dreaming about being an actress, is more exciting then being one.
I have too many fantasies to be a housewife. I guess I am a fantasy.
You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself.
A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left.
Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.
If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
I guess I have always been deeply terrified to really be someone's wife, since I know from life one cannot love another, ever, really.
I've often stood silent at a party for hours listening to my movie idols turn into dull and little people.
I love to do the things the censors won't pass.
If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.
There was my name up in lights. I said, "God, somebody's made a mistake." But there it was, in lights. And I sat there and said, "Remember, you're not a star." Yet there it was, up in lights.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Sex Ed

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.—Maryon Pearson
Husbands are like fires: they go out if unattended.—Zsa Zsa Gabor
When women go wrong, men go right after them.—Mae West
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.—Mae West
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.—Tom Clancy
You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.—Steve Martin
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.—Woody Allen
Oral contraception? I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said "no."—Woody Allen
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart
The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.—Robin Williams
Women may be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake entire relationships.—Sharon Stone
I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done.—Lucille Ball
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered, except for the catalog description: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.—Eleanor Roosevelt

Puns, Word-Play, Raillery and Drollery

If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning.—Catherine the Great
There is no glory in outstripping donkeys.—Marcus Valerius Martial
As blushing may make a whore seem virtuous, so modesty may make a fool seem sensible.—Jonathan Swift
Religion is the opiate of the people.—Karl Marx
Religion is the dopiate of the sheeple.—Michael R. Burch
If you think you're too small to make an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito.—Edith Sitwell

Life’s saving graces are love, pleasure, laughter ...
wisdom, it seems, is for the Hereafter.
—Michael R. Burch

Waggery, Jests, Ribald Jokes

A man who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.—Groucho Marx
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.—Groucho Marx

I am his Highness' dog at Kew;
pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?
—Alexander Pope

Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. Sit on a red-hot stove for a minute, it seems like an hour. That's relativity!—Albert Einstein

The Limerick

There once was a woman named Bright
who traveled much faster than light.
She set out one day
in a relative way
and came back the previous night!
—Unknown

Leg-Pulling, Horseplay, Whimsy, Monkeyshines, etc.

Abbesses'
recesses
are not for excesses!
—Michael R. Burch

Quips and One-Liners

Take my wife . . . please!—Henny Youngman

Spoonerisms


I'd rather have a bottle in front of me
than a frontal lobotomy.
—Dorothy Parker

The Chiasmus


It's not the size of the dog in the fight that counts, it's the size of the fight in the dog.—Dwight D. Eisenhower
It's not the men in your life that count, it's the life in your men.—Mae West
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.—Maya Angelou
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.—Oscar Wilde
Love is either wholly folly, or fully holy.—Michael R. Burch
I do not believe in a fate that will fall on us no matter what we do. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing.—Ronald Reagan
War does not determine who is right, just who is left.”—Unknown, associated by fans with the Dan Fogelberg song "Ghosts"

Light Verse and Doggerel

The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
which practically conceal its sex.
I think it clever of the turtle
in such a fix to be so fertile.
—Ogden Nash

Political Epigrams

An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.—Will Rogers
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.—Will Rogers
A fool and his money are soon elected.—Will Rogers
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.—Will Rogers
If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich.—John F. Kennedy
The very word "secrecy" is repugnant in a free and open society.—John F. Kennedy
I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute.—John F. Kennedy
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.—Alfred E. Wiggam
A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.—Elbert Hubbard
A conservative is one who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.—Leo Rosten
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward.—Franklin D. Roosevelt
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a Republican. But I repeat myself.—Harry S. Truman
I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.—Jon Stewart
Politics is the second oldest profession; it bears a very close resemblance to the first.—Ronald Reagan
My choices in life were to be a piano-player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!—Harry S. Truman
I never give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it's hell.—"Give 'Em Hell" Harry S. Truman
If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.—Harry S. Truman
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.—Harry S. Truman
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.—Harry S. Truman
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.—Albert Einstein
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.—Groucho Marx
Public opinion is a weak tyrant compared with our own private opinion.—Henry David Thoreau
As a snow-drift is formed where there is a lull in the wind, so, one would say, where there is a lull of truth, an institution springs up.—Henry David Thoreau
The philosophy you hear from time to time, which is unfortunate, is one of exclusion, rather than inclusion.—Dan Quayle, former Republican Vice President, on the Republican Party

Proverbs and Wisdom Sayings

Early to bed, early to rise
makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.
—Ben Franklin

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.—Mark Twain
I don't know what weapons will be used in World War III, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.—Albert Einstein
Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind.—John F. Kennedy
Anyone who thinks must think of the next war as they would of suicide.—Eleanor Roosevelt
In peace sons bury their fathers, but in war fathers bury their sons.—Croesus
If there is one thing that we do worse than any other nation, it is try and manage somebody else's affairs.― Will Rogers
The clatter of arms drowns out the voice of law.—Michel de Montaigne
Thinking is often claimed but seldom proven.— T. Merrill
It must be hard being brilliant with no way to prove it.— T. Merrill
I found out that I was a Christian for revenue only and I could not bear the thought of that, it was so ignoble.—Mark Twain

Protests

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.—Maryon Pearson
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.—Carrie Snow
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.—Jane Sellman
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.—Sue Grafton
If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.—Margaret Thatcher
Grace Kelly did everything Fred Astaire did: walking backwards, in high heels!—Unknown
The problem with most women is that they get all excited about nothing, then marry him.—Cher
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.—Elayne Boosler
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.—Charlotte Whitton
I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I'm not dumb, and also I'm not blonde.—Dolly Parton

Paradox

Nowadays we make quick work of our courtships; it's our divorces that we spend a lot of time on.—Richard Moore
You can observe a lot just by watching.—Yogi Berra
There are some people who, if they don't already know, you can't tell 'em.—Yogi Berra
Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded.—Yogi Berra
The future ain't what it used to be.—Yogi Berra
I didn't really say all the things I said.—Yogi Berra
The similarities between me and my father are different.—Dale Berra (Yogi Berra's son)
I know you heard what you thought I said, but what I said isn’t what I meant.—Richard Nixon
More and more of our imports come from overseas.—President George W. Bush
The problem with bigots is that they know they're not bigots, just "better."—Michael R. Burch

Brevity

Brevity is the soul of wit.—William Shakespeare

If brevity is the soul of wit
then brevity and levity
are the whole of it.
—Michael R. Burch

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.—Dorothy Parker

Repartee

Lady Astor: "Winston, you're drunk!"
Winston Churchill: "But I shall be sober in the morning and you, madam, will still be ugly."
Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your tea."
Winston Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."

Motivational Calls to Action

Discontent is the first necessity of progress.—Thomas Alva Edison

Always be kinder than necessary,
for everyone you meet is fighting
some kind of battle.
—attributed to T.H. Thompson and John Watson

Don't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his moccasins.—Native American proverb

An Epigram about Epigrams, giving Honor where Honor is Due
 
If, with the literate, I am
Impelled to try an epigram,
I never seek to take the credit;
We all assume that Oscar said it.
—Dorothy Parker

Related pages: A Brief History of Epigrams with Examples, Puns and Wordplay, Political Epigrams, Epigrams about Sex and Marriage, Humorous Epigrams, One-Liners and Zingers, Chiasmus, Tweets, Love Epigrams, Zionist Quotes, Tax Quotes of the Rich and Famous, The Dumbest Things Ever Said, The Best Insults Ever, Famous Last Words, The Best Epigrams, Mitt Romney Quotes, Paul Ryan Quotes, The Best Symbols, The Best Metaphors and Similes

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