The HyperTexts

Kids Say the Damnedest Things . . . Usually in Church!
compiled by Michael R. Burch



A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." Joel asked, "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

3-year-old, Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

A four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings. At bedtime, she would repeat the lines from the prayer after me. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail. Amen."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and asked, "Would you like to say the blessing?" The girl replied, "I wouldn't know what to say." Her mother told her, "Just say what you hear Mommy say." The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom  of children while they were drawing. She would  occasionally walk around to see each child's work. When she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher said, "But no one knows what  God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out from her otherwise brown hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of  my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a moment, then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God  is watching the apples."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

[If you're concerned about innocent children being terrorized by the debilitating fear that they're in danger of an "eternal hell" when they grow up, please read this article No Hell in the Bible.]

The following are the thoughts and questions of Russian children, compiled by Igor Shevelev:

If I get to hell, You will see me there and see how they will torture me? Gleb, 3rd form.
Do I strongly disgrace You? Vova, 4th form.
Why did You create the world such that when Mom has her tights torn she cries? Vita, 2nd form.
Why is it that man grows for years and years and then, bang! And he’s dead… Vasya, 2nd form.
Bear children all the time, and die all the time… Isn’t it bloody stupid?! Kolya, 1st form.
And can we not be born? Sveta, 2nd form.
I’d like some brains for my parents, because they don’t understand me. Nadya, 3rd form.
Help me, dear God, in sadness. Yevgeny, 3rd form.
Why are You afraid of showing Yourself to people? Nyoma, 4th form.
If You order the end of the world, who will pray to You? Petya, 4th form.
Of course, I love You, but I love Mom and Dad more. Isn’t it bad? Zoya, 3rd form.
Please, may I not die? Yulia, 1st form.
Well, Christ suffered for people, but what do people suffer for? Grisha, 4th form.
And when they shoot here on earth, don’t You hear this, God? Valera, 2nd form.
Why do people first fall in love and then cry silently? Andrei, 4th form.
God, where is Christ now, what’s He doing? Stella, 2nd form.
Why was I born ugly? Katya, 4th form.
Isn’t it boring for You to always be right? Armen, 2nd form.
When I’m no more shall I see myself? Tolik, 2nd form.
Forgive all who are not christened, and me, too. Filipp, 3rd form.
God, I want to die without pain. Tanya, 4th form.
Evaporate my sins. Tolik, 3rd form.
Let’s meet before my death. Yura, 2nd form.
Save people not from sins, but from loneliness. Sergei, 3rd form.
They say You are love. Forgive me, but love is Ira. Alik, 2nd form.
You know, it seems to me there is no soul in me, yet sometimes it aches. Roman, 2nd form.
I am so tired of life. I study, study and study, as a fool. Senya, 3rd form.
Don’t demand that all pray to you. This is immodest. Valya, 4th form.
I’ll tell You a secret: when I see a lonely woman I feel ashamed of You. Armen, 4th form.
I’m still small, and study in the 3rd form. No sins so far, but they’re going to be. Eva, 3rd form.
Will You be able to forgive me my sins? If not, I shall sin further calmly. Ernst, 4th form.
Be honest, God, is it You who did it? Lyosha, 4th form.
You promised to protect the weak and offended, but I don’t feel it. Roma, 3rd form.
Good God, did You give me my soul, or someone else’s? Stasik, 2nd form.
Why are many boys such womanizers already in the second form? Nadya, 2nd form.
When this world ends will another begin? Garik, 3rd form.
Why are You first so bad, and next day so wonderful? Olya, 2nd form.
Can You give me luck and inflatable rubber boat? Arvid, 3rd form.
Tell me between ourselves whether there’s somebody who loves me. Anzor, 3rd class.
How do You distinguish female soul from male. By their little cocks and pussies? Vova, 3rd form.
Can You do something so that there would be no accidents to people? Lada, 2nd form.
What has my Dad done to You that he’s so unlucky? Vita, 3rd form.
Well, would You create man for the second time? Oleg, 3rd form
I have no harmful habits. What can I expect for this? Robert, 4th form.
O, Lord! Let’s be friends! Fedya, 1st form.
There’s so much grief and suffering on earth so that people weren’t sorry to die. Igor, 4th form.
What marks would You put me for my life? Arkady, 2nd form.
Oh, Lord! Why am I created this way? Alla, 3rd form.
And what if people don’t love, but are afraid of You? Ruslan, 2nd form.
Why is there such a dog’s life in our family so that even cats cannot live with us? Andrei, 4th form.
I was born, looked into the world, and it is so wicked and cruel. Andrei, 4th form.
Perhaps, You are sad up there? Sofa, 1st form.
Do You like my granddad up there? Ella, 2nd form.
Why am I such a bad pupil? Perhaps, because of the teachers? Gena, 3rd form.
And if all people get to paradise, will there be enough space? Andrei, 3rd form.
Do You know when I grow up shall I be a good girl or not? Katya, 3rd form.
Is it true, that before You all people were monkeys? Sergei, 4th form.
Do You ever laugh or cry? Olga, 3rd form.
Do atheists ask You for anything? Oyar, 3rd form.
Aren’t we all Your toys? Sasha, 2nd form.
Who created man: work or You? Rafik, 3rd form.
Why do You forgive people everything, but teachers don’t? Kostya, 2nd form.
Why do we grow old? Ilya, 3rd form.
I also forgive You much. Nathan, 4th form.
Is it beautiful up there where You are? Seryozha, 2nd form.
Are You happy? Evelina, 1st form.
When I wasn’t born, did You know that I would be? Lyonya, 4th form.
What should be done to animals so that they get to paradise together with us? Egon, 3rd form.
If I get ill, it means that You’re angry with me. Goga, 4th form.
How many times shall I fail in love? I already failed three times. Yura, 2nd form.
Doesn’t glory prevent You to live? Vasya, 3rd form.
Can I come to You in Your dreams sometimes? Valera, 3rd form.
God, may I live as long as my mummy wants. Vera, 1st form.
Show me at least one angel, we shall keep it secret. Raya, 2nd form.
Do something so that I were born for another life in France as a boy. Kira, 4th form.
May the one whom I like love me, and I shall marry her for a long time to come. Vasya, 2nd form.
What would I like to ask You for? Well, You know it Yourself. Alik, 4th form.
Make my life long and funny. Olga, 2nd form.
I want to live on the earth created by You, not by people. Andrei, 4th form.
When I die, I don’t want to get to paradise or to hell. I want to be with You. Vera, 3rd form.
May my dad and granddad become angels and guard me. Zhenya, 1st form.
Please, show me for all the world to see. Alla, 2nd form.
I’d like to come to Your home to see You, for a week, at least. Alyona. 1st form.
Please do something so that the Andronov family never die. Yasha Andronov, 2nd form.
I want a calm and quiet old age. Yura, 1st form.
O, God! Give something, for Christ’s sake. Anton, 1st form.
Send Your son to earth. We will not crucify Him. Pavlik, 3rd form.
I would like very much children from orphanages to find new, cosy parents. Dasha, 4th form.
Let’s come to terms. My God, I believe in You and You believe in me. Lyalya, 2nd form.
I’m always told to see and admire Your bright image. Don’t disappoint me. Andron, 4th form.
Help me to curb my urge for Natalia Nikolayevna. She’s old. Vagan, 2nd form.
If You find my mitten, please give it back, honestly. Anya, 3rd form.
Adopt me, and when you’re old I’ll give you a glass of water to drink. Oleg, 2nd form.
Watch me attentively, lest I do something bad. Alik, 1st form.
You are in each person, so tell her that I like her. I’m too shy. Kolya, 3rd form.
I never ate a cake. Perhaps, I’m too young. Valentin, 2nd form.
I like apples very much. Is it an ancestors’ call? Nina, 3rd form.
I’d like to go on a dangerous reconnaissance mission with You. Garik, 1st form.
Please, explain what’s funny in this. I simply said to her: “You’re my wrinkle.” Kolya, 3rd form.
I’m the late child of my parents, but they aren’t kids, either. Yura, 3rd form.
O, God! You invented money, but we don’t have it at home. Shurik, 3rd form.
Divorce is the funeral of family. Olya, 4th form.
I respect You for Your faith in man. Igor, 3rd form.
Why do You allow divorces? It’s not God-like. Galya, 3rd form.
How can I get rid of sin? Just pray, and that’s all? Really?! Sergei, 3rd form.
The more you live the more you feel in the next world. Radik, 1st form.
Flowers are better creations of Yours than man. Galya, 4th form.
Don’t be afraid, O, God! I’m with you. Andrei, 1st form.
O God! When I don’t pray, don’t be angry, I am all in love. Yasha, 4th form.
Dear God, take me back, it’s so boring here. Vasya, 2nd form.
They told us yesterday at school that You exist. Hello! Lyonya, 3rd form.
Please, let my granny come back to me for the New Year. Raya, 2nd form.
God, please, don’t die, otherwise there will be a terrible mess on earth. Asya, 2nd form.
I write to You and still no answer. You are lazy. Larik, 2nd form.
That’s all. Further it will not be interesting to You. Artur, 4th form.

I wrote a poem. But I’m ashamed of it and never showed it to anyone. But I’ll show it to You, God. Here it is: “Adults cry with tears, adults cry with eyes. Little ones cry with hearts, little ones cry with life. But if an adult cries like a little one, he cries in earnest.” Marik, 4th form.

O, God, I know that I should offer another cheek to be slapped. So what? I did it, Oleg slapped me and now all regard me as coward. Thank You. Edik, 3rd form.

How come that God’s will is for everything?! For summer, for Mom’s illness, for war? Marat, 2nd form.

Why do beggars beg for alms near the church? In order for You to see who gives them? Ira, 2nd form.

Respected Almighty, do something so that hands and feet should be always clean. Borya, 2nd form.

They say: “We’ll all be there!” Does this mean that we all shall be together again? Rustam, 2nd form.

I cannot forget my daddy’s eyes when mummy, taking me by the hand, was leaving him for good. Andrei, 4th form.

Listen, and who was I in the other life? Perhaps, You shouldn’t have turned me into humans? Senya, 3rd form.

I’m bad, but let anyone who is good throw a stone at me. But mind! You don’t throw a stone. Vyacheslav, 3rd form.

I’ll tell You a secret, but not a word to anyone. Zhenka kissed me and we shall now have children. Thanks, in any case. Zoya, 1st form.

At the last teacher-parents’ meeting my teacher said so many good things about me, as if I were dead already. Olaf, 3rd form.

Oh, if You only knew me earlier when I was in kindergarten. Now I look slightly worse. Sveta, 2nd form.

Just look, we study all the time, and what for, why should we suffer so much if we die some day and all our knowledge will be wasted. Fedya, 4th form.

Did it happen to You that when You like somebody, he does not even look in Your direction? Olya, 3rd form.

I’d like to ask You for some pet. And if it’s difficult for You let it be a soft toy. Yours ever, Syoma, 3rd form.

Please, do something so that people shouldn’t die and there should be no mosquitoes. Alik, 3rd form.

I was in a village and saw a small church, white and clean. Behind it there were birch trees, a river, and farther away a big forest. Is this Your country home? Natasha, 4th form.

When you read inscriptions on cemetery tombs you begin to wonder: where are bad people buried? Oleg, 4th form.

When will Jesus Christ come for the second time? People should prepare for this, otherwise it will be like during his first appearance on earth. Alina, 4th form.

I’m writing You from an orphanage. This is a place where children are exiled for the bad behaviour of their parents. Ariya, 4th form.

Return my parents to their childhood. I’d be friends with mummy, but rip apart my stepfather. Gosha, 4th form.

You’re cunning, first you allow man to sin, then he repents and You forgive him. It turns out that You’re always kind. Isn’t it sly? Tolik, 4th form.

You know, mummy left us and we’re alone with dad. We want to have woman’s love and care. Venya, 2nd form.

Why do You often drink with my daddy? He always raises his glass and exclaims “Well, God with us!” Sasha, 3rd form.

O, God! I invite You to my birthday party on August 4, at 2 pm. I’ll wait. If you don’t have money, do come without a present. Misha, 2nd form.

Don’t You think that it’s a pity that there are no churches for dogs on our earth? Because love for dog cannot be unrequited. Robert, 4th form.

I went to kindergarten with her for two years, studied in first form with her for six months and now she says to me: “We’re two different persons.” Just imagine. It’s worse than death. Arkady, 2nd form.

I was at a cemetery and one tomb greatly impressed me. A big black stone with just one word cut in it: “Mummy.” That’s all. Vanya, 4th form.

Why is it when You switch on stars in the sky at night and blow warm wind to earth, and everything around is so still I sometimes want to cry? Natasha, 2nd form.

If you're interested in "things mysterious," you may be interested in these other Mysterious Ways pages:

Kids on Love: What the Real Experts Have to Say
Dear God: Kids "Wax Metaphysical"
SUFFER THE LITTLE CHILDREN TO COME UNTO ME
Christian Mothers and the Cult of Hell: What Are They Doing to Their Own Children?
A Direct Experience with Universal Love
Two Tales of the Night Sky
Genie-Angels
Darkness
Michael, Wonderful and Glorious
The Poisonous Tomato
Of Mother Teresa, Angels and the Poorest of the Poor
Thy Will Be Done (Iron Lung)
Did Jesus Walk on the Water?
Mysterious Ways Index

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