The HyperTexts

Mini-Odes to the Keystone Scops

by Michael R. Burch

These are odes and various other tributes I have penned in honor of The Society of Classical Poets, an assortment of alleged poets I have dubbed the Keystone Scops. In my first poem, I have put myself in their shoes and tried to "think" as they do.

Gnashional Anthem of the Keystone Scops
by Michael R. Burch

We rant. We rail.
Our grammars fail.
We are the Keystone Scops.

We write of Luv
and God abuv.
We are the Keystone Scops.

We’re not averse to crappy verse
because we know our verse is worse!
We are the Keystone Scops.

We know Jehovah wrote the Bible
but can’t explain why it’s mostly libel.
We are the Keystone Scops.

We know the earth is flat, because
the Bible says so, without flaws.
We are the Keystone Scops.

We know Eve petted dinosaurs
and probes have never been to Mars.
We are the Keystone Scops.

Our cruel Sky-Daddy murdered Eve.
Our mothers too. Yet we believe!
We are the Keystone Scops.

The Bible tells us, “Stone your kids!”
We cannot think, brains on the skids.
We are the Keystone Scops.

The same book tells us, “Murder's bad!”
and “Genocide’s cool with our awesome Dad!”
We are the Keystone Scops.

The earth’s overheating, the continents sinking.
We can’t be concerned with critical thinking.
We are the Keystone Scops.

We rant. We rail.
Our po-ems fail.
We are the Keystone Scops.

The Beat Goes On (and On and On and On ...)
by Michael R. Burch

Bored stiff by their board-stiff attempts
at “meter,” I crossly concluded
I’d use each iamb
in lieu of a lamb,
bedtimes when I’m under-quaaluded.

Less than Impressed

for T. M., regarding certain dispensers of hot lukewarm stale air

Their volume’s impressive, it’s true ...
but somehow it all seems “much ado.”

The Pissologist
by Kim Cherub

There once was a poet (alleged)
whose mal-feces’nce was never once hedged.
She hammered out rhymes
for the Medieval Times,
full of Dark Ages sewage she dredged.

Her intolerance proved quite compelling
to those in her med-evil dwelling:
her tone-deaf assayers
(as-incompetent brayers)
all applauded the shit she was selling.

But alas, it was soon down the hole
for this urinal crew on the dole
whom no one would hire
or save from the mire ...
There’s no way to tidy this bowl!

Limerick-Ode to a Lazy Susan
by Kim Cherub

There once was a lass who would charm us,
but whose “poems” (if we read them) might harm us.
A real lazy Susan
whose “thinking”’s confusin’
might (if she were read) quite alarm us.

Untroubled to bother with facts
and brainwashed by radical tracts,
this far-out-right hisser
is no hit-or-misser:
she’s always off track with her flak.

Ode to the Med-evil-ists
by Michael R. Burch

This ode is dedicated to the Keystone Scops aka the Society of Classical Po’-Wits, and especially to its dingleaders, Joe Salemi and Evan “Antic” Mantyk.

“The earth is flat!” the po’-wits scream,
“Our God is on his throne!” (They dream.)
“Jesus told us gay is bad!”
(No he didn’t, just his dad,
the evil dad, who, while bemoaning
tolerance, advocated stoning
boys for cursing, girls for not bleeding
sufficiently on their wedding nights.
Oh, who can question such august heights
of ancient wiz-dumb? Not the Scops.
When it comes to dumb, they put out all stops,
and yet will speak, to our chagrin
with “poems” piss-poor, a clangy din.)

Dumdum Conundrum
by Michael R. Burch

Lines in which the poet suggests a possible way for the Keystone Scops to be saved, despite their intolerance.

Their poetry’s so dreadful,
does it matter that it’s evil?

Does flirting with the Devil
count, when the wooers can’t spell?

Though they’re daring as Evel Knievel,
would the Devil accept such rabble,

or deport them to Heaven, pell mell?

Digs at not-so-sly dogs

for Conor Kelly

is the base perception
alchemized by deeper reflection,
the paradox
of the wagging tails of dog-ma
torched by sly Reynard the Fox.

Many of the scops seem to be worshipers of Mary, hence the “ma” in “dog-ma.” Would any good mother allow billions of souls to suffer eternally in hell for guessing wrong about which nonsensical religion to believe? What would Mary think of Allah or Zeus if her children were sentenced to hell for guessing wrong? People who believe in hell and “salvation” for the “chosen few” seem bereft of empathy, compassion and a sense of justice. No decent Deity would condemn anyone to an “eternal hell” for any reason, much less for not believing evil nonsense.

Related Pages: A Review of the Society's Literary Journal, Laureates 'R' US, Susan Jarvis Bryant, Joseph Charles MacKenzie: Poet or Pretender?, Evan Mantyk's Poetic Tic, James Sale's Blue Light Special, Bruce Dale Wise or Un-?, "How to Write a Real Good Poem" by R. S. Gwano, Salemi's Dilemma, Salemi Interview and Responses by other Poets

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