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The Gods: an Update
Rating the Gods and Demigods of Various Religions

After Pat Robertson breathlessly informed us that Jesus Christ had deliberately maimed and murdered multitudes of Haitians over an ancient slight (it seems that centuries ago a few of them may have asked another Entity to help them escape the clutches of Christian slaveowners, which sorta makes sense), we thought it was high time to do an update on the attributes of the gods and demigods of various religions, to make sure our readers have the very latest and best information. Our panel of experts has awarded golden stars to the foremost of the gods in the following categories, and we have a surprising overall winner to announce!

Most Popular, Dazzling, Drool-Inducing and Awe-Inspiring

Eve is the hands-down winner in this category, since Adam forsook God Almighty, paradise and immortality to be with her, once she'd tasted the forbidden fruit. As Mark Twain pointed out, every red-blooded man since Adam has followed suit, discarding any possible shot at religion’s pious heaven for a moment of illicit pleasure in the arms of some delectable Eve (whether female or male).


The whole point of being a god is to be sexy, and thus impress worshipers, who can then be disdained or ignored. There is a logjam at the head of this category, with the frontrunners being sex goddesses like Eve, Lilith, Helen of Troy and Marilyn Monroe. Our all-male oinkers became flustered when asked to name the sexiest male gods; they quickly settled on the safest possible choice, Elvis Presley. However, when pressed to give the male gods equal time and billing, they added Jesus Christ, since not only women but legions of men pant for intimate relationships with him (while curiously condemning homosexuals to an "eternal hell," go figure).

Most Beautiful

Balder the Beautiful is the "duh!" winner in this category, followed by Michael the Archangel, who has surprisingly lovely features for such a renowned warrior. As we shall see, Michael makes a strong showing in a number of important categories, and will be our panel’s choice as the "Miss Congeniality" in our pageant of the gods and demigods.


Zeus is the clear winner in this category, followed closely by Pan.

Best Kisser

Prince Charming, duh!

Best God in a Back Alley Fight

Clearly, Thor (magical hammers being especially effective weapons in close quarters).

Best Psychopomp

Michael the Archangel, who offers every human being the Cup of Mercy at the moment of death. Refer to "Most Gracious" below.

Most Dependable

Gods are never dependable!

Most Reliable

See "Most Dependable."

Most Powerful

All gods are powerful, or purport to be (or, rather, their disciples do the purporting for them). However, one must be able to separate fact from fiction. Our initial inclination was to award first prize in this category to Yahweh/Jehovah, because of the unfathomable power he displayed in producing the Great Food. But our panel of experts noted serious problems with the Biblical account, such as the continued existence of fish and bees. Because the earth contains vastly more saltwater than freshwater, during the early stages of the Great Flood all earth’s rivers and lakes would have become saline when they merged with the seas, and thus all the freshwater fish would have died. But later, when enough rain had fallen to cover the peaks of the highest mountains, the seawater would have become massively dilute, and all the saltwater fish would have died. Therefore, the continued existence of freshwater and saltwater fish proves the Great Flood did not occur, or was merely the wild embellishment of a much smaller, non-global flood. And of course two bees cannot go on an ark by themselves and survive, because a queen and a drone cannot feed themselves, much less care for baby bees. It takes an entire hive to support one queen; this is why bees swarm. If Noah had taken only two bees on the ark, there would be no bees today. So we have awarded first place in this category to mighty Atlas, whose strength keeps the sky from falling on men's religion-addled heads.

Most Gracious

We had expected Jesus to be the hands-down winner in this important category, but our panel simply couldn't credit the idea that wicked Christians should be "saved by grace" while non-Christians like Gandhi and the Dalai Lama get banished to an "eternal hell." So Michael the Archangel is our winner, since he offers every human being the Cup of Mercy at the moment of death.

Most Just

None of the gods are just; their fawning acolytes merely condone whatever they do, because they have "superpowers." For instance, even if Yahweh/Jehovah was rightfully upset with the wickedness of men at the time of Noah, there was no need for him to drown all the innocent animals and babies. He could have sent a human-only plague to wipe out the evildoers. But gods are never just, and seldom rational. It seems absolute power really does corrupt absolutely, leaving compassionate angels and human beings to step into the void and pick up the pieces. There is no justice in the world, and never has been, so our panel decided not to award a prize in this category.


We have a tie between Minerva/Athena and Odin, who sacrificed an eye to obtain wisdom. We had expected Yahweh/Jehovah to make a stronger showing in this category. However, after reflecting on Numbers 31, in which Moses commanded his warriors to slaughter captured women and male infants, keeping only virgin girls alive as sex slaves, and Deuteronomy 22, in which Moses commanded that girls who had been raped should be stoned to death or sold to their rapists, we find scant evidence of "wisdom" in the pages of the Bible.

Best Poet

Orpheus, followed by Apollo and Sappho, the Tenth Muse.

Best (or at least the wildest) Tantrums


Best Exorcist

Jesus is the winner, in a landslide. However, our panel did drop him from an A+ to a B- for inexplicably causing the deaths of a large number of innocent pigs during his most famous exorcism. What had innocent pigs done to deserve such unfair treatment from God Almighty? And why is it that whenever God becomes angry with men, innocent animals get the shaft, as in the Garden of Eden, when God murdered innocent animals to give their skins to Adam and Eve. Why didn't he give them clothes of cotton or wool and save the poor animals hides, and their lives?


We had expected that either Loki or the Devil would win this category. However, as our panel observed, Jesus has far more adherents than the two combined, almost all of whom have succumbed to the prepare-to-be-fleeced notion that he will save reprobate believers "by grace" while damning compassionate non-believers like Gandhi and Walt Whitman to an "eternal hell." So Jesus is the surprise winner in this category, because billions of human beings have been hoodwinked into giving their hard-earned money to charlatans in a desperate bid to purchase what obviously should be free: "grace."



Best (or at least most) Breasts


Most Precious/Precocious

Tinker Bell

Best (or Biggest) Propagandist

Gabriel (when trumpeting the praises of Yahweh/Jehovah), followed by Mercury/Hermes (esp. when procuring sex for Jupiter/Zeus)

Best Lightning Bolts

A tie between Zeus and Thor.

Most Benevolent

Michael the Archangel. Refer to "Most Gracious."

Worst Picker of Acolytes and Disciples

This is dead heat between Yahweh/Jehovah and Jesus. Yahweh, for all his professed "wisdom," selected a series of genocidal maniacs who, according to the Bible, slaughtered women, children and the handicapped: Moses, Joshua, Caleb, King David, et al. Then, as if determined to trump him, Jesus settled on disciples who tortured and killed millions of innocents in a succession of Crusades, Inquisitions and witch hunts. Never once in recorded history did Yahweh or Jesus bother to inform their slavering, froth-mouthed disciples that slavery, racism, sexism, religious intolerance and gay bashing were abominations, so perhaps we should blame the leaders rather than their followers.

Most Petty

Jesus is, unfortunately, the clear winner in this category, since he damns billions of human souls to an eternal hell for not "believing" in him, even as he resolutely refuses to introduce himself to them personally.

Most Vindictive

Jesus (refer to "Most Petty").

Biggest Egomaniac

Jesus (refer to "Most Petty").

Biggest Power Trip

Jesus (refer to "Most Petty").

Most Petulant

Jesus (refer to "Most Petty").

Biggest Bully

Jesus (refer to "Most Petty").

Most Intolerant

Jesus (refer to "Most Petty").

Most Illogical

Jesus (refer to "Most Petty").

Most Embarrassing

Jesus (refer to "Most Petty").

Best Archer

Cupid, followed closely by Apollo.

Cruelest to Children

Our panel of experts awarded a thee-way tie to Yahweh/Jehovah, Jesus and Moloch. While they were appalled that children were once sacrificed to Moloch, they acknowledged that in modern times far more children have been damned to an "eternal hell" in the name of Yahweh/Jehovah and Jesus.

Sexiest Virgin


Most Bloodthirsty

The clear winner is Yahweh/Jehovah, who in ancient times slavered and panted after the "sweet savor" of blood and holocausts (burnt offerings of animal flesh), then at the dawn of the modern era demanded the horrific crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Why didn’t he follow his own good advice and just forgive unconditionally, overcoming evil with good?

Best Financier


Biggest Windbag

Clearly, Yahweh/Jehovah, who trumpeted his own praises to the skies. while never managing to fulfill any of his important promises to mankind.

Most Bellicose


Greatest Acquirer of Fawning Acolytes

A tie between Yahweh/Jehovah and Jesus. The "proof is in the pudding" as the saying goes: a litany of Crusades, Inquisitions, witch hunts, slavery, bigotry, religious intolerance, male domination of women, gay bashing, etc. How is it possible that just, wise, loving "gods" could have acquired such disciples?

Most Productive


Greatest Hypocrite

Another tie between Yahweh/Jehovah and Jesus. If only they had followed their own good advice, and had overcome evil with good, rather than continually resorting to vengeance and wrath. Et tu, Yahweh? Et tu, Jesus?

Most Artistic

The Muses: Erato, Calliope, et al.

Biggest Downer

Hades/Pluto would have won, but Yahweh/Jehovah has far more hellish disciples.

Most Rebellious

Satan/Lucifer, followed by Prometheus, Eve, Pandora and Adam.

Best Partier


Grand Prize Winner

Our Grand Prize Winner is, ta-dah!, Michael the Archangel, who was second in beauty only to Balder the Beautiful, and took our "Miss Congeniality" award in a landslide. Our panel was especially enamored with Michael because he offers the Cup of Mercy to all human beings at the moment of death, making him our clear choice as best Psychopomp. We believe human beings in search of divine entities would do well to consider Saint Michael the Archangel, our overwhelming number one choice among the various gods and demigods, for his compassion, kindness and valor.

PS ― Our panel is not anti-Christian. Every member professes to admire Jesus. However, his disciples have been blaspheming his name for 2,000 years. Someone who professes to be "perfect" simply cannot practice bigotry and intolerance. Why should Jesus show grace to heterosexuals but not to homosexuals? How can a just God favor Jews over Palestinians, or Americans over Iraqis? Obviously, for thousands of years Jews and Christians have dreamed up ways for God to favor them, so they can run roughshod over the rest of humanity, and in the process Jews and Christians have managed to so besmirch the names of their Gods, no human being can take them seriously. Our panel believes God should be the epitome of love, compassion and valor. But finding a divine being who epitomizes love, compassion and valor is very difficult.  Our panel came to the conclusion that, because there is no justice on this planet, every human being is entitled to drink from the Cup of Mercy when life here is over, and this is why they chose Saint Michael the Archangel. And also, of course, because of his fabulous wings and strikingly lovely (if somewhat effeminate) features. Like almost everyone, the members of our panel are suckers for a pretty face.

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