The HyperTexts
The Gods: an Update
Rating the Gods and Demigods of Various Religions
After Pat Robertson breathlessly informed us that Jesus Christ had deliberately maimed and murdered multitudes of
Haitians over an ancient slight (it seems that centuries ago a few of them may
have asked another Entity to help them escape the clutches of Christian
slaveowners, which sorta makes sense), we thought it was high time to do an
update on the attributes of the gods and demigods of various religions, to make sure our readers have the
very latest and best information. Our panel of experts has awarded golden stars
to the foremost of the gods in the following categories, and we have a
surprising overall winner to announce!
Most Popular, Dazzling, Drool-Inducing and Awe-Inspiring
Eve is the hands-down winner in this category, since Adam forsook God
Almighty, paradise and immortality to be with her, once she'd
tasted the forbidden fruit. As Mark Twain pointed out, every red-blooded man
since Adam has followed suit, discarding any possible shot at
religion’s pious heaven for a moment of illicit pleasure in the arms of some
delectable Eve (whether female or male).
Sexiest
The whole point of being a god is to be sexy, and thus impress
worshipers, who can then be disdained or ignored. There is a logjam at the head
of this category, with the frontrunners being sex goddesses like Eve, Lilith,
Helen of Troy and Marilyn Monroe.
Our all-male oinkers became flustered when asked to name the sexiest male gods;
they quickly settled on the safest possible choice, Elvis Presley. However, when
pressed to give the male gods equal time and billing, they added Jesus Christ,
since not only women but legions of men pant for intimate
relationships with him (while curiously condemning homosexuals to an "eternal
hell," go figure).
Most Beautiful
Balder the Beautiful is the "duh!" winner in this category, followed by
Michael the Archangel, who has surprisingly lovely features for such a renowned
warrior. As we shall see, Michael makes a strong showing in a number of
important categories, and will be our panel’s choice as the "Miss Congeniality"
in our pageant of the gods and demigods.
Randiest
Zeus is the clear winner in this category, followed closely by Pan.
Best Kisser
Prince Charming, duh!
Best God in a Back Alley Fight
Clearly, Thor (magical hammers being especially effective weapons in close quarters).
Best Psychopomp
Michael the Archangel, who offers every human being the Cup of Mercy at the moment of death. Refer to "Most Gracious" below.
Most Dependable
Gods are never dependable!
Most Reliable
See "Most Dependable."
Most Powerful
All gods are powerful, or purport to be (or, rather, their disciples do the
purporting for them). However, one must be able to separate fact from fiction.
Our initial inclination was to award first prize in this category to
Yahweh/Jehovah, because of the unfathomable power he displayed in producing the
Great Food. But our panel of experts noted serious problems with the Biblical
account, such as the continued existence of fish and bees. Because the earth
contains vastly more saltwater than freshwater, during the early stages of the
Great Flood all earth’s rivers and lakes would have become saline when they
merged with the seas, and thus all the
freshwater fish would have died.
But later, when enough rain had fallen to cover the peaks of the highest
mountains, the seawater would have become massively dilute, and all the
saltwater fish would have died. Therefore, the continued existence of freshwater
and saltwater fish proves the Great Flood did not occur, or was merely the wild
embellishment of a much smaller, non-global flood. And of course two bees cannot
go on an ark by themselves and survive, because a queen and a drone cannot feed
themselves, much less care for baby bees. It takes an entire
hive to support one queen; this is why bees swarm. If Noah had taken only two bees
on the ark, there would be no bees today. So we have awarded first
place in this category to mighty Atlas, whose strength keeps the sky from
falling on men's religion-addled heads.
Most Gracious
We had expected Jesus to be the hands-down winner in this important category,
but our panel simply couldn't credit the idea that wicked Christians should be
"saved by grace" while non-Christians like Gandhi and the Dalai Lama get
banished to an "eternal hell." So Michael the Archangel is our winner,
since he offers every human being the Cup of Mercy at the moment of death.
Most Just
None of the gods are just; their fawning acolytes merely condone whatever
they do, because they have "superpowers." For instance, even if Yahweh/Jehovah was
rightfully upset with the wickedness of men at the time of Noah, there was no need for
him to drown all the innocent animals and babies. He could have sent a
human-only plague to wipe out the evildoers. But gods are never just, and seldom
rational. It seems absolute power really does corrupt absolutely, leaving
compassionate angels and human beings to step into the void and pick up the
pieces. There is no justice in the world, and never has been, so our panel
decided not to award a prize in this category.
Wisest
We have a tie between Minerva/Athena and Odin, who sacrificed an eye to obtain wisdom. We
had expected Yahweh/Jehovah to make a stronger showing in this category.
However, after reflecting on Numbers 31, in which Moses commanded his warriors
to slaughter captured women and male infants, keeping only virgin girls alive as
sex slaves, and Deuteronomy 22, in which Moses commanded that girls who had been
raped should be stoned to death or sold to their rapists, we find scant evidence of "wisdom" in the pages of
the Bible.
Best Poet
Orpheus, followed by Apollo and Sappho, the Tenth Muse.
Best (or at least the wildest) Tantrums
Achilles
Best Exorcist
Jesus is the winner, in a landslide. However, our panel did drop him
from an A+ to a B- for inexplicably causing the deaths of a large number of
innocent pigs during his most famous exorcism. What had innocent pigs done to
deserve such unfair treatment from God Almighty? And why is it that whenever God
becomes angry with men, innocent animals get the shaft, as in the Garden of
Eden, when God murdered innocent animals to give their skins to Adam and Eve.
Why didn't he give them clothes of cotton or wool and save the poor animals
hides, and their lives?
Trickiest
We had expected that either Loki or the Devil would win this category.
However, as our panel observed, Jesus has far more adherents than the two
combined, almost all of whom have succumbed to the prepare-to-be-fleeced notion that he will save reprobate believers "by grace"
while damning compassionate non-believers like Gandhi and Walt Whitman to
an "eternal hell." So Jesus is the surprise winner in this category, because
billions of human beings have been hoodwinked into giving their hard-earned
money to charlatans in a desperate bid to purchase what obviously should be free: "grace."
Speediest
Mercury/Hermes
Best (or at least most) Breasts
Minerva/Athena
Most Precious/Precocious
Tinker Bell
Best (or Biggest) Propagandist
Gabriel (when trumpeting the praises of Yahweh/Jehovah), followed by
Mercury/Hermes (esp. when procuring sex for Jupiter/Zeus)
Best Lightning Bolts
A tie between Zeus and Thor.
Most Benevolent
Michael the Archangel. Refer to "Most Gracious."
Worst Picker of Acolytes and Disciples
This is dead heat between Yahweh/Jehovah and Jesus. Yahweh, for all his
professed "wisdom," selected a series of genocidal maniacs who, according to the
Bible, slaughtered women, children and the handicapped: Moses, Joshua, Caleb,
King David, et al. Then, as if determined to trump him, Jesus settled on
disciples who tortured and killed millions of innocents in a succession of
Crusades, Inquisitions and witch hunts. Never once in recorded history did
Yahweh or Jesus bother to inform their slavering, froth-mouthed disciples that
slavery, racism, sexism, religious intolerance and gay bashing were abominations, so perhaps we should blame
the leaders rather than their followers.
Most Petty
Jesus is, unfortunately, the clear winner in this category, since he damns
billions of human souls to an eternal hell for not "believing" in him, even as
he resolutely refuses to introduce himself to them personally.
Most Vindictive
Jesus (refer to "Most Petty").
Biggest Egomaniac
Jesus (refer to "Most Petty").
Biggest Power Trip
Jesus (refer to "Most Petty").
Most Petulant
Jesus (refer to "Most Petty").
Biggest Bully
Jesus (refer to "Most Petty").
Most Intolerant
Jesus (refer to "Most Petty").
Most Illogical
Jesus (refer to "Most Petty").
Most Embarrassing
Jesus (refer to "Most Petty").
Best Archer
Cupid, followed closely by Apollo.
Cruelest to Children
Our panel of experts awarded a thee-way tie to Yahweh/Jehovah, Jesus and
Moloch. While they were appalled that children were once sacrificed to Moloch,
they acknowledged that in modern times far more children have been damned to an
"eternal hell" in the name of Yahweh/Jehovah and Jesus.
Sexiest Virgin
Diana/Artemis
Most Bloodthirsty
The clear winner is Yahweh/Jehovah, who in ancient times slavered and panted
after the "sweet savor" of blood and holocausts (burnt offerings of animal
flesh), then at the dawn of the modern era demanded the horrific crucifixion of
Jesus Christ. Why didn’t he follow his own good advice and just forgive
unconditionally, overcoming evil with good?
Best Financier
Juno/Hera.
Biggest Windbag
Clearly, Yahweh/Jehovah, who trumpeted his own praises to the skies. while
never managing to fulfill any of his important promises to mankind.
Most Bellicose
Mars/Ares
Greatest Acquirer of Fawning Acolytes
A tie between Yahweh/Jehovah and Jesus. The "proof is in the pudding" as the
saying goes: a litany of Crusades, Inquisitions, witch hunts, slavery, bigotry,
religious intolerance, male domination of women, gay bashing, etc. How is it
possible that just, wise, loving "gods" could have acquired such disciples?
Most Productive
Vulcan/Hephaestus
Greatest Hypocrite
Another tie between Yahweh/Jehovah and Jesus. If only they had followed their
own good advice, and had overcome evil with good, rather than continually
resorting to vengeance and wrath. Et tu, Yahweh? Et tu, Jesus?
Most Artistic
The Muses: Erato, Calliope, et al.
Biggest Downer
Hades/Pluto would have won, but Yahweh/Jehovah has far more hellish disciples.
Most Rebellious
Satan/Lucifer, followed by Prometheus, Eve, Pandora and Adam.
Best Partier
Bacchus/Dionysus
Grand Prize Winner
Our Grand Prize Winner is, ta-dah!, Michael the Archangel, who was second in
beauty only to Balder the Beautiful, and took our "Miss Congeniality" award in a
landslide. Our panel was especially enamored with Michael because he offers
the Cup of Mercy to all human beings at the moment of death, making him our
clear choice as best Psychopomp. We believe human beings in search of divine
entities would do well to consider Saint Michael the Archangel, our overwhelming
number one choice
among the various gods and demigods, for his compassion, kindness and valor.
PS ― Our panel is not anti-Christian. Every member
professes to admire Jesus. However, his disciples have been blaspheming his name
for 2,000 years. Someone who professes to be "perfect" simply cannot practice bigotry
and intolerance. Why should Jesus show grace to heterosexuals but not to
homosexuals? How can a just God favor Jews over Palestinians, or Americans over Iraqis? Obviously, for thousands of years Jews and Christians
have dreamed up ways for God to favor them, so they can run roughshod over the
rest of humanity, and in the process Jews and Christians have managed to so
besmirch the names of their Gods, no human being can take them seriously. Our
panel believes God should be the epitome of love, compassion and valor. But
finding a divine being who epitomizes love, compassion and valor is very
difficult. Our panel came to the conclusion that, because there is no
justice on this planet, every human being is entitled to drink from the Cup of
Mercy when life here is over, and this is why they chose Saint Michael the
Archangel. And also, of course, because of his fabulous wings and strikingly
lovely (if somewhat effeminate) features. Like almost everyone, the members of
our panel are suckers for a pretty face.
The HyperTexts