The HyperTexts

A Simple Proof that Christians are Immortal

written Easter Sunday, April 24, 2011
by Michael R. Burch, an editor and
publisher of Holocaust poetry and a
"recovering fundamentalist"

For nearly two millennia Christians have been proudly proclaiming themselves to be immortal. I used to doubt them (and even poke fun at them, to my eternal shame), but this Easter Sunday like a bolt out of heaven a simple, logical proof came to me which conclusively proves that Christians truly are immortal. (I have no doubt that it was the LORD reminding me that mere mortals should not attempt to poke holes in the Divine Plan.)

Will I convert to Christianity and become immortal myself? Not a chance. After all, most Christians remain nasty, intolerant bigots willing to bask in God’s grace while billions of other people burn like so much chaff in an eternal bonfire. I’m quite sure that I wouldn’t be happy in their nasty, intolerant, bigoted heaven and will use my free will to avoid going there myself. But since the LORD gave me this sudden jolt of wisdom on such an auspicious day, I feel that I must share it, as much as it pains me to admit that I was wrong, and Christians were right all along.

Ironically, it is not the "faith" of Christians that saves them (i.e., that God is a petty, intolerant bigot who sends people to hell for not believing that he could be such a petty, intolerant bigot). No, it is the stupidity of Christians that saves them. Or, more accurately, it is their profound ignorance of good and evil.

According to the Genesis account of creation and the "fall," Adam and Eve were sentenced to death for acquiring the knowledge of good and evil. Therefore it follows that anyone who doesn’t know good from evil is immortal. Since we all know the Bible is the "word of God" and therefore "infallible," in order to prove that Christians are immortal, all I have to do is prove that they don’t know good from evil. This is stunningly easy to do, as I will now demonstrate ...

Christians do not know good from evil because they believe the following things are the "will of God," and thus "good," when they are clearly evil. The "infallible" Bible says such things as:

God sentenced Adam and Eve to suffer and die because they were curious and wanted to learn. All children want to learn, and who gave Adam and Eve curiosity in the first place?

Because Adam and Eve had no knowledge of good and evil before the "fall," it was impossible for them to know that it was "wrong" to eat the apple. Thus, God clearly set them up for the "fall" because the world he created was far from perfect. We now know that trillions of animals suffered and died before man set foot on the planet. So man can hardly be responsible for suffering and death, which are clearly the fault of the Creator.

The infamy of God can further be proved because animals didn’t acquire the knowledge of good and evil and yet they also suffer and die. If God was just, as the Bible claims, he wouldn’t have sentenced innocent animals to suffer and die for the "sin" of Adam and Eve.

Even more infamously, God was the first murderer. After all, he killed innocent animals in order to give their skins to Adam and Eve to cover their nakedness. If he was loving and compassionate, as the Bible constantly claims, why didn’t he give Adam and Eve clothes of cotton or wool, or hula skirts made of grass or palm tree fronds?

And these are just a few quick examples from the opening verses of Genesis! According to Christians the following "good" and "righteous" things were done, commanded or condoned by the God of the Bible and his right-hand men like Abraham, Moses, Joshua and King David ...

God became angry with the "wickedness" of men and destroyed trillions of innocent animals in a world-wide flood. If God was angry with men, why didn’t he send a human-only plague? And how many of those "wicked" men had destroyed the world? How can a mass murderer who kills trillions of innocent animals for no valid reason be angry with men for such petty "sins" as having sex and getting drunk? And in any case, as soon as the ark landed, that great man of God, Noah, got drunk and one of his sons "took advantage of him." The world was immediately back to where it was before. So why all the mayhem, if it did absolutely no good?

God instructed Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac, and Abraham immediately prepared to slit his son’s throat, without consulting his wife, who would have committed him to the funny farm if she had known what he was up to. The Bible calls Abraham a "man of faith" but his "faith" merely put him in league with the Son of Sam, who killed innocent people when a disembodied voice spoke to him. Why do ignorant Christians damn the Son of Sam while praising Abraham?

Moses, another great "man of God," instructed his warriors to slaughter defenseless mothers and their male babies, keeping only their virgin daughters alive, obviously as sex slaves. [Numbers 31]

Moses, that great man of "faith," also allowed fathers to sell their own daughters as sex slaves, with the option to buy them back if they didn’t please their new masters. [Exodus 21]

Moses, the great lawgiver who spoke to God as a man speaks to a friend, understood the mind of God so well that he commanded "men of God" to murder girls who had been raped, or sell them to their rapists so they could be raped "legally" the rest of their lives. [Deuteronomy 22]

Joshua, called a "type of Christ" by Christians who are utterly ignorant of good and evil, and therefore obviously immortal, took Palestine the "old-fashioned way," via ethnic cleansing and genocide, the "slaying of everything that breathes." Joshua killed women, children and livestock "in the name of God."

David, famously "the man after God’s own heart," killed every woman when he "smote the land" and ordered the slaughter of the lame and blind when Jerusalem was taken from the Jebusites because he "hated" the handicapped. If David was the "man after God’s own heart," then truly God is the Devil.

Before Christians interrupt me and point out that Jesus was "better" than Moses, Joshua and David, let me point out the obvious: according to the Bible, Jesus is infinitely worse than anyone in the Old Testament. Granted the great "heroes" of the Old Testament were bloody men who killed women and children wantonly, even murdering their sons if they were "stubborn" and their daughters if they were raped. But at least they ended their orgies of wrath and violence with death. But according to the Bible, Jesus is not satisfied with death and will torture his victims for all eternity. The horrendous book of Revelation says that human beings will be tortured with fire and brimstone "in the presence of the Lamb and Holy Angels." (So much for hell being "separation from God.") According to John of Patmos, the author of Revelation, heaven has a Gitmo where Jesus and the Angels will torture the resurrected dead for sport.

In his macabre, palpably evil "Revelation," John of Patmos also said the following:

Jesus will murder the children of adulteresses. After he murders their children, he will presumably resurrect them and their mothers in order to torture them for all eternity. This, despite the fact that Jesus had table fellowship with prostitutes and spared the life of an adulteress. The Jesus of the Bible is remarkably inconsistent (as if he might be the schizophrenic creation of Christian theologians utterly ignorant of good and evil). In what dimension does making love warrant eternal suffering, or any punishment whatsoever?

Jesus will condemn Christians for eating the wrong foods, and presumably murder them, then resurrect them in order to torture them for all eternity. This, despite the fact that Jesus, Peter and Paul clearly said that Christians can eat whatever they please.

After all the creatures of the earth have sung the praises of God, God will turn around and destroy them in a series of plagues. This merely repeats the wickedness of God at the time of Noah. Why should God constantly pour out his wrath on innocent animals if he is angry with men? If he ever stopped pouring out his wrath on men, perhaps their conduct would improve. Why doesn’t God set a good example, by following his own sage advice and not letting the sun go down on his wrath? But of course the God of the Bible was always a hypocrite, never following his own good advice for more than a page or two.

These are just a few examples of the depravity of the God of the Bible. I could cite hundreds of verses in which God commanded and/or condoned all sorts of evil: racism, slavery, sex slavery, religious intolerance, sexism, homophobia, matricide, infanticide, ethnic cleansing, genocide. But what’s the use? Christians by "believing" the Bible clearly have no knowledge of good and evil. It is not their "faith" that God is the Devil that saves them, but their profound ignorance of good and evil. I will be happy to go to hell or cease to exist, in order not to share their nasty, bigoted, intolerant "heaven."

Happy Easter!

PS — I have decided to believe in the Easter Bunny, a creature of grace who doesn’t discriminate against anyone because of their race or creed. I have penned a small poem in his/her honor:

What would Santa Claus say,
I wonder,
about Jesus returning
to Kill and Plunder?

For he’ll likely return
on Christmas Day
to blow the bad
little boys away!

When He flashes like lightning
across the skies
and many a homosexual

when the harlots and heretics
are ripped asunder,
what will the Easter Bunny think,
I wonder?
—Michael R. Burch

The HyperTexts