The HyperTexts

The Best Conservative Jokes, Quotes and Epigrams

Here are some very interesting "opinions" about conservatives, some of them from conservatives themselves in the form of unintentional comedy:

If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich.—John F. Kennedy

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.—Albert Einstein

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward.—
Franklin D. Roosevelt

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a Republican. But I repeat myself.—
Harry S. Truman

You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test. ― George W. Bush

A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.—
Alfred E. Wiggam

A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.—
Elbert Hubbard

A conservative is someone who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.—
Leo Rosten

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.—
Jon Stewart

A conservative government is an organized hypocrisy.—Benjamin Disraeli

The philosophy you hear from time to time, which is unfortunate, is one of exclusion, rather than inclusion.—Dan Quayle, former Republican Vice President, on the Republican Party

Bring 'em on! ― George W. Bush

I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together. ― George W. Bush

We will, in fact, be greeted as liberators.― Dick Cheney

I don't do quagmires. ― Donald Rumsfeld

Deficits don't matter. ― Dick Cheney

The Iraqi forces are conducting the Mother of all Retreats. ― Dick Cheney

I can't tell you if the use of force in Iraq today will last five days, five weeks or five months, but it won't last any longer than that. ― Donald Rumsfeld

The plan was criticized by some retired military officers embedded in TV studios. But with every advance by our coalition forces, the wisdom of that plan becomes more apparent. ― Dick Cheney

“I don't do body counts,” Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told CBS News in March, 2002, in the early days of the war in Afghanistan.

"We don't do body counts," said General Tommy Franks, the commander of the invasion of Iraq, on May 3, 2003 (as reported by Edward Epstein, Chronicle Washington Bureau).

Donald Rumsfeld said, "We don't do body counts on other people" during an interview with Tony Snow of Fox News, on Sunday, November 2, 2003.

In his speech aboard the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln, George W. Bush said, "With new tactics and precision weapons, we can achieve military objectives without directing violence against civilians. No device of man can remove the tragedy from war, yet it is a great advance when the guilty have far more to fear from war than the innocent."

However, his claims were clearly refuted when Lesley Stahl, during a 60 Minutes episode which aired on May 12, 1996 asked Secretary of State Madeleine Albright the following question about U.S. sanctions against Iraq: "We have heard that a half million children have died. I mean, that's more children than died in Hiroshima. And, you know, is the price worth it?" Albright replied, "I think this is a very hard choice, but the price: we think the price is worth it."

Please note that even when appearing on a major news forum, 60 Minutes, Albright made no attempt to deny the figure given by Stahl—a rough rendering of the preliminary estimate in a 1995 U.N. Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO) report that 567,000 Iraqi children under the age of five had died as a result of the sanctions. And yet while more than half a million Iraqi children were dying of starvation, Saddam Hussein was building more palaces. Then the United States ended up invading Iraq and waging war for a decade, with generally miserable and still-inconclusive results. Was the price "worth it," really?

America is a friend to the people of Iraq. Our demands are directed only at the regime that enslaves them and threatens us. When these demands are met, the first and greatest benefit will come to Iraqi men, women and children. ― George W. Bush

The HyperTexts